Crack* A blinding white light tore through the dark and gloomy sky outside my window, it was the biggest lightening storm i had ever seen. I had
just moved to San Francisco from Los Angelos a month ago and had made a few friends, my best friend being Ashton Grey. She was a year older than
me, smart, beautiful and talented. But me, i'm just a regular girl or at least i used to be... My name is Lissi McBrian and this is how my life turned
upside down.
I was texting Ashton about our English homework, my ginger hair falling infront of my eyes as i tried to type. My phone began ringing but
it was a random numberkon the screen, i picked up anyway and had pull the phone away from my ear as the person on the other end of the line
screamed "HELP ME HELP ME ITS GOING TO KILL ME! ARGENSAL DRIVE!" There was a deep frowl and a high pitched squeal. Call ended.
I began to worry about what might be wrong and recognised the voice, Cynthia. I called Ashton and told her to meet me there as soon as
possible. I ran to the street and saw a trail of blood into a circle of bushes, i followed the noise of faint whimpers and strangled breaths to find...
Cynthia lying on the grass covered in blood. I tried to slow my breathing before i had a panic attack and ripped off a bit of my sleeve and tied the
purple peice of fabric around what looked like a claw mark on her side. I began to lifet her to get help but immediatly stopped when...
Another white light revealed a pair of huge grey eyes glaring at me, a giant white wolf pounced at me, i just about dodged it, still upset and
wishing that Ashton was there. I tried to blink back the tears that threatened to pour down my face. The wolf growled showing its daggar-like
teeth. I recognised its eyes but i didnt know where from. It pouced again and bit into my shoulder, i let out a cry as the searing pain split through
my shoulder. The tears finally came rolling down my face and the edges of my vision became blurry. I heard faint shouting and saw lilac flashes,
it was probably just my imagination. I slowly began to relax as the world went black...
"Cynthia, no please" i whispered as i slept through a replay of the horrific scene, i suddenly woke up breathing hard and fast, pani threatening
to take over. I slowly opened my eyes adjusting to the unusually bright light above my head. "Good your awake." Miss Winston said, i covered my ears
to shut out the loud words. I tried to sit up nut stopped at the searing pain cutting through my shoulder. My hand shot straight to the sourceof pain.
I was so confused, What happened? How did i get here? shot into my head. I remembered a wolf and Cynthia "Cynthia" i tried to say but it came out as
more like a squek. At that moment Mr. Anderson and the headmaster walked into the room with a guy from my music class, i only then realised
that there was a blood splattered bandage around my shoulder. "Lissi we need to talk" he said gesturing towards my wound. "This may be hard to
believe but last night youwerent just bit by a wolf, you were bit by a werewolf..." I relaxed and began to congradulate him on the joke but he cut in
and said "All of the horrors that you always thought were jokes for halloween, all of the stories of monsters and demons are all real, for example.."
he sounded serious, he madealot of weird movements with his hands mid-air and a purple ball of light began to form from thin air as he
whispered something in what sounded like Latin. It reminded me of the ball of lilac light from the night before.
I only realised that i could hear everyones heartbeats when i heard my own quicken, i tried to listen for a jump in Mr. Andersons heartbeat to tell
he was lying but it was steady. Is this true? How? replaced my last questions. I understood why the nurse, Mr. Anderson and the headmaster were here
but why was the other boy here? "This is Matthew he is also a werewolf" Mr. Anderson said as if he could read my mind. I relaxed once again knowing
that i wasnt the only one. Was he the one attacked me? but that thought disappeared when i saw his deep blue eyes, almost the opposite as the wolf.
"You need your rest so we will be on our way but if you have any questions feel free to ask Matthew" the headmaster all but whispered. As they left i
lay back but winced as my shoulder was put in a sore position, as the pain subsided i quickly fell asleep.
The next morning i woke up looking over at my shoulder hoping it was a dream, no such luck. It was quite warm and sunny outside and i wanted
to go for a walk, i probably wouldnt be aloud. Miss Winston walkedin with a sympathetic look on her face. "Am i aloud outside today?" i asked " Yes but
dont overdo yourself, you should go down to lunch after i change your bandages."she replied as she walked over to me. I was quite nervous to see the
bite because when i didnt know what it looked like i could pretend it wasnt there but seeing it made it real.
She gently pulled off the bandage, i looked over to find that there was nothing there at all. "Well this is unusaual, it seems to have healed" a
curious yet shocked expression on her pointed face. "Well go down to lunch and i will have to check up on you later." she said still shocked, a wave of
relief washed over me, thank god i didnt have to see the gruesome bite. I walked into the dinner hall only to be stopped by Rose "Whats wrong, lose
your beloved friend?" she asked coldly, i walked by ignoring her completely, i had too much on my mind to deal with her. Wait. Something about her
Blond/White hair and grey eyes reminded me of.. No she couldnt be. I pushed that thought away as i saw Ashton sitting at our normal spot, i began
walking towards her and her twin Jenny but was pulled over to another table by Matthew to sit with him and his friends. I began to get annoyed that i
couldnt sit with my friends but went anyway giving Ashton an apologetic look, i hadnt talked to her since the accidentbut i needed to sort my
thoughts out first.
I sat down to see that Liam had got me food, i sat down, picked up the salt and put it over the juicy steak on my plate, my hunger coming up now
Matthew was talking to one of his friends when it happened. I dropped the salt and began to clear it up but as soon as my hand touched it i felt a
burning spread across the palm of my hand and pulled my hand away, i was confused why it did that and there was a burn mark ehere the salt had
touched. Matthew turned around and took hold of my wrist twisting my hand to get a better look at the burn "I forgot to tell you, you cant touch salt
it burns werewolves" he whispered. He pulled me out of the hall and into the kitchen to rinse my hand under unnessesarily cold water, i shivered as
the ice cold water glided over my skin, he laughed at my reaction. "How long have you been a....." i hesitated afraid to say the word "werewolf?" he
smiled "Iturned when i was 11 on Argensal Drive"he smiled again Argensal Drive thats where i was turned "Thats where i got at-" her cut me off "I know
im sorry about your friend." He wrapped an arm loosly around my shoulder.
Meanwhile Rose went and sat with her friends, those green eyes, she'd seen them somewhere. No it coulnt have been, could it have been Lissi?
Rose attacked somone on the full moon...
'Body found with hideous wounds found on Argensal Drive' was written in bold letters across the front page of Cisco Times, it was Monday
morningand the sun was out. I picked up the newspaper like it was a peice of fragile glass about to shatter if i wasnt careful. I felt a surge of sadness in
my heart but it was replaced with anxiety as i worried about the new development in the situation. Who bit me? I couldnt shake the feeling that it was
Rose. Who had turned my life upside down? I looked over at the other tables trying to find the orbs of silver i remembered all to well. I only saw one
pair. Rose. As soon as my eyes locked with hers it happened. I was back on Argensal Drive, the beast was snarling, a pendant around its neck glistened
in the golden sunlight. It pounced. I suddenly snapped back to reality, she looked.. scared? I broke eye contant and looked to my left, to my 'mentor'.
I smiled at him then blushed as he looked confused yet amused, was there something i didnt know?
Suddenly he grabs my arm and trails me out into the corridor. "From the look on your face i can tell you havent heard,have you?" I try to
remember if i had been told anything, He realises my confusion and carries on "We found a cure, but theres one problem.." My smile disappears, what
could the problem be? "Its not easy to get." That gets me wondering. "Multiple people are after it." Why cant things just be simple for a change? Why
cant o be a normal 13 year old? "Who's after it?" i ask wearily "Lots of people for example Banshees and Laestrygonians they are tribes of giant
cannibals." How can he be so calm?
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Hello, Hannahwalkerxo! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.
My first thought is for you to change the formatting. I saw that you said you had trouble because it was on your computer, but I think if you go over to the edit option for your work, you should be able to make the changes there! I've had lots of problems when it comes to formatting before, so I completely understand. You also need to make sure all of your i's are capitalized; a lot of them were lowercased. My biggest piece of advice when it comes writing to read your work out loud before you post it. It's helped me pick up on errors when looking over my own works.
You also don't go into much detail when describing the setting. The reader knows where the story is taking place at various points in time, but is unable to visualize it. All that you have to do is include some descriptions of the locations in the chapter and pair them with actions or dialogue. The setting is something that keeps the reader engaged with your story, so it's important to help them see what's happening.
Because this is only the first chapter, the reader doesn't get to learn much about the protagonist. What the reader currently knows is that she's willing to help others, is thirteen years old and just lost her friend Cynthia. These are all good things to know, but the death of Cynthia isn't as serious as I think you're trying to make it. You didn't mention Cynthia prior to the call from her, and you don't bring up how Cynthia and the protagonist know each other. You also don't show the protagonist dealing with her death afterwards. There's a brief mention of how sad she feels about losing her, but not much more than that. You can really drive home how monumental this death is by showing their connection and her grief!
I love the idea of this story. I've never heard of a story where a werewolf searches for a magical cure to make them human again, and I like the creatures that you chose as enemies. Those two don't usually come up in fantasy stories.
I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
Hello! Just thought I'd give your work a quick review!

Firstly, I'd like to say that I like how action-packed this is, and really takes in a lot of detail. I think you've got a good amount of surprises in this part of the story to really set the interest and cause the reader to want to figure our what's going on with the life of these characters.
I also liked how in the beginning you did set aside some details regarding the main character, Lissi. With this being said, I think you could have included a little more backstory or character description.
I read from your comments on Rose's review that your computer was acting up, so I won't talk about the breaks in the lines since you already know about that! I will say though, if you are able to get the formatting right, you could add a little extra separation between the very beginning part (after, "...life turned upside down") and the start of the action (when Lissi is texting Ashton).
Holy cow that part was wordy - I hope it makes sense!
Another critique I was thinking about while reading this work was that, as it went on, the sentence structure seemed to become more and more choppy, and the story became more and more difficult to follow. And I thought throughout all the "scenes" you could add some more description on the environment. For me, I was kind of unsure of where all of this was taking place. I know you said San Francisco in the beginning, but what about the building? Is this an ordinary school with unordinary creatures, or a more magical place - sort of like a Hogwarts environment (I was getting some Hogwarts-ish vibes with the mention of the headmaster and of course the werewolves!)?
I would also say that your story could use more description of the characters, because for me it was very brief, and I wasn't quite sure who some people were as you mentioned them.
I hope this helps you! Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said doesn't make sense! Good luck
Hello Hannah! Here as requested.
I'm going to leave a quick note about formatting here— it's really choppy and I'd go through to make sure no lines are broken up! There are also some uncapitalized I's and little things I'm sure you'd catch with a quick proof.
You start off here with a prologue-type situation where you describe the general situation without really giving me a solid hook. If you want to have a solid introduction of the "this is the story of how..." lines, where you frame the story as almost a person telling a story, it needs a bit more punch than "turned upside down." In a sense you want to spoil the story a little bit for us, give us some really unique detail from later on down the line that makes us really curious for what happens. Like how in Tangled, the opening line was "this is the story of how I died." Most certainly made me deeply invested because death? In a Disney movie? I must find this out.
The events also happen really quickly, without really any purpose to them. When you go through writing, everything should serve at least two purposes. It's perfectly fine to describe the scenery and an awesome lightning storm, but it should add to the emotions of the scene. It's just fine to describe characters, but the description should give us an indication of their personality and focus more on quirks that make them memorable (like a hot pink scarf).
And I know this sounds super discouraging you've done a bunch that needs improving! But trust me, I used to be exactly at this level of writing, too. Your ideas are really good and I'm super curious to find out what happens next, considering all the hints of mystery you've got going on here. The execution is the rough part, and that's pretty easy to polish (running this through spell check and fixing the formatting will help a lot).
All in all, I've written stuff exactly like this, with exactly this level of polish, and all I've gotten is better! I really hope this hasn't discouraged you from writing, because everyone has stories like this hidden away on their computer.
Hope to see more of your work, and let me know if you ever edit this so I can take a look at it again. Feel free to ask any questions you have, too, or leave any comments!
~Rosey
Thanks my laptop is playing up so that's why the format is a bit off but I will definately take in your advice to make my story better
Gotta love technology. Hope it stops acting up soon!
thanks