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Remembrance of the Lost

by HannaLynn

Rain, isn’t that how all bad days start of?

This one was no different.

We walked down the street toward the homeless shelter.

We walked in and went straight to our one bedroom living space.

She complained that her stomach hurt and she was dizzy.

We didn’t listen; we thought it was just the dinner talking.

She asked me to get the trashcan.

I took it to her.

She puked, and puked, and puked once more.

Our neighbor called 911, and I held her hand as she puked again.

The ambulance arrived and she looked me in the eye.

Watch over this place when I’m gone.

The medics to her away and I returned to the bedroom.

I waited in the room until I was summoned out.

Words all at once they seemed to garble together.

Warm tears streamed down my face.

I would never see her again.

And yet she didn’t feel gone.

It was almost as if she was still with me.

But that feeling soon faded.

And I was left with an empty hole.

Others have come along and tried to fill it.

No one succeeds.

That hole will never fill.

It will always remain.

A grim reminder of the one I once loved.

And I will forever remember her.

For she, was my mother.

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94 Reviews

Points: 3960
Reviews: 94

Sun Dec 30, 2018 8:39 pm
ShapeOfVoid wrote a review...

Hey hannalynn! this is Hiraeth here to review a really heart felt poem.

First; i like that you chose to write about the relationship between a mother and a child- it is the holiest of bonds; and i think most of us take our mums for granted; only the ones who've lost a mother truly know the warmth of her hugs, the melody that her voice holds; and all the sacrifices she's made for her child.

So even though it seem like it was intentionally omitted; i think readers would like exactly Why her mother had died- there could be so many reasons; so many ways; writing something about that would clear some of the lingering questions in our mind.

Also, when she realized that her mom had died; she would have felt something more than an empty hole, right? words like lost, broken, etc works (what i'm trying to say is, there is very little emotion for the reader to grab on to, and if the emotion isn't there, readers won't be able to sympathize with the narrator, and thus, they wouldn't care much if her mother died).

There's a tiny error here (overlookable, really): "all bad days start of" where 'of' should be 'off'.
This line: "A grim reminder of the one I once loved." here you're telling us that you USED to love your mother, but don't love her anymore after after she'd dead. Hmmm...seems a little morally wrong, doesn't it? one will love one's mother, dead or alive.

All in all, though, this was a good read. Keep up the great work.


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16 Reviews

Points: 270
Reviews: 16

Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:07 pm
lukekazey wrote a review...

Hey, it’s Luke here to leave a small review.

First of all, I’d just like to say thank you for sharing your story with us. I understand it can be difficult to, but hopefully you’ve also found it a rewarding experience. I can only begin to imagine the pain and loss you’ve been through in your life, and you have our deepest sympathies.

Your poem was incredibly moving and such raw emotion was portrayed on the page, it was truly beautiful. Narration is definitely your strength and it really served to carry this poem. Also, contrary to Alliyah below (sorry Alliyah) I really loved the more visceral parts of the poem. I think losing a loved one is a very visceral experience, so it was great to see it portrayed in its stark naked truth.

One suggestion I’d make is, as Alliyah said, include more poetic elements in the poem. You have a really good opportunity to include some really evocative imagery, so don’t hesitate to do so. However, be wary, because too flowery imagery may detract from the sentiment of the poem. Further, I’d suggest just having a quick read through aloud of the poem. There are places where the flow is interrupted, either by line structure or unruly punctuation, so it’d be good to just clean that up a little.

On the whole though, a beautiful poem. It brought a tear to my eye.

Keep writing,

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1013 Reviews

Points: 120182
Reviews: 1013

Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:35 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hi Hannah! Welcome to YWS - I am extremely sorry if this poem was inspried by true events in your life. As, woah, this tragic re-telling certainly pulls at the heartstrings. With the absence of an author's note indicating fiction/non-fiction I'll assume it's dramatized though.

Now the strength of this poem's emotional appeal is it's specificity of narrative - we can follow the story the speaker is going through step by step as the dram builds and that inspires sympathy wih the speaker - because as a reader I can easily idenyify the conflict, and live through the story as it's told.

You have a strength in narration, and organization. I do think however you could work on adding some nore "poeticness" to the poem as it felt a bit like a broken up short story.

To add more poetic elements you can include more metaphors - the bread and butter of poetry - you have a couple here and there (like "the unfilled hole") but you could expand and extend those for greater effect.

You can also take a second look at word choice & imagery. For instance wheb describing bodily functioms, the emotional tone is easily distracted to focus on disgust, horror, and shock - because it's so visceral - so when the speaker takes not one, but several repeated lines to describe the mother puking - it almost takes me out of the poem and certainly distracts from the earlier panicked/sad emotional themes. Watch your word choice & imagery decisions, because they make a huge impact on overall tone & poetic feel. Draw attention to important points with strong vivid imagery/descriptions, but move quickly through moments that might detract.

Overall, very well done as far as communicating a spevific emotion and story - I foumd this poem to be quite sad and touching.


HannaLynn says...

Thank you I think you are right with adding more poeticness. And this is all based on real vents in my life. Absolutely nothing in this poem was dramatized.Thank you for your feedback!


alliyah says...

I'm so very sorry for your loss, I hope the process of writing this poem was helpful for you to process some of those emotions and was healing if just in some small way. It shows a lot of strength to be able to weave such tragedy into poetry. Again sorry for your loss. <3 Peace to you!
- alliyah

HannaLynn says...

Thank you, it happened many years ago. I just try to channel the pain into poetry and stories.

Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende