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Encroaching Death

by HannaLynn

Alone I have stood for years anticipating your return

Yet you never come down that foggy road

All I see are your dusty ashes sitting in this crumbling urn

The silent sound of loneliness only broken when the raven crowed

The sound of laughter once roamed these halls

Now here the only sound is that of mourning

The ever growing presence of the darkness in the walls

The creaking of the steps the coldness in the air a grim forewarning

Fading slowly the light disappears and deeper in the hole I seep

Ever shadow cast on the walls seem my only friend

They soothe me to sleep and wake me up with a chilling reap

And it seems rather quickly I’m coming on the end

But all at once comes a knocking from the outside

The oak wood door creeks and croaks as it opened slowly

A grim shadow stands with his arms spread wide

He welcomes me into his arms and away with him I went peacefully

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96 Reviews

Points: 1221
Reviews: 96

Mon Dec 10, 2018 5:55 am
AmadeusW wrote a review...

That was amazing and well written! Now on to the review...

"The creaking of the steps the coldness in the air a grim forewarning" - It needs commas. Try "The creaking of the steps, the coldness in the air, a grim forewarning,"

"Fading slowly the light disappears and deeper in the hole I seep" - another comma needed. Try "Fading slowly, the light disappears in the hole I seep".... but then is it "seep" or "seek", or "sleep"? I feel a typo there.

"Ever shadow cast on the walls seem my only friend" - just a typo. Should be "Every shadow"

And for the end line, I think that the way you ended it was rather interesting, and in its current state a bit abrupt, but I think if you added an ellipsis ("...") then you would make that ending very... suspenseful.

Super job!

HannaLynn says...

thank you, i know that it needs commas i realized that right after i published it and haven gotten around to fixing it, and seep is the right word. However towards the bottom it is supposed to say every.

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9 Reviews

Points: 6
Reviews: 9

Fri Dec 07, 2018 2:55 am
hermione2001 wrote a review...

Wow. This is impactful. My attention was caught in the first line and it didn't stop until after the last one. This is seriously good stuff! A couple editing suggestions. First "crumbling urn." Doesn't seem accurate. Unless the urn is actually crumbling. From what I gather, the urn is a stark reminder of what you have lost and seeing it rubs that in. If I'm not correct, ignore this suggestion. I would maybe use a different adjective for it such as cold, still urn or something like that or completely different it's completely up to you. Second, the line "Now here the only sound is that of mourning" doesn't flow well. Maybe think about: Now the only sound is that of mourning or now the only sound I here is mourning. Again, completely up to you. And I love, love, love the end. Thank you so much for posting!!!!! Can't wait to read more!!!!!!

- hermione2001

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135 Reviews

Points: 615
Reviews: 135

Thu Dec 06, 2018 8:58 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...

Legacy here for a review.

I love the content here, I just have a few nitpicks that could be changed (but don't necessarily have to).

It would be easier to read if you were to have stanza breaks when you change directions (I know with an ABAB pattern it is hard to do breaks based on direction, but it would be better in my opinion than having no breaks. It feels rushed overall).

It would also be helpful if you were to use punctuation according to natural pauses.

Other than that, I love the language that you use here. It is very powerful the way you describe this pain.

Hopefully the tips on stanza breaks and punctuation helps this go to the next level. Legacy out.

HannaLynn says...

I typed it in Microsoft word and when I typed it out I had breaks between each Stanza but when I pasted it onto her they vanished. Thank you for the other feedback!

Thisislegacy says...

Yeah, I've noticed that if you copy/paste from an outside source it will remove the stanza breaks.

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158 Reviews

Points: 4399
Reviews: 158

Thu Dec 06, 2018 6:46 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...

Hi there!
This is a really good poem! You have definitely got talent. I love how this poem is so understandable and easily felt.
The last sentence felt a little awkward to me, the rhythm felt a little messed up.
I would try something like this:
"He welcomes me into his arms and
I went peacefully away with him."

To me, it flows a little better. That was all!

HannaLynn says...

Thank you for the feedback, however I was going for an ABAB rhyming pattern and it was really hard to find a word that rhymes with slowly and fit into the plot of the last stanza.

FireSpyGirl says...

ah. When it comes to that, I don't understand it real well.

HannaLynn says...

Oh, it's ok, thank you for the feedback though.

Thisislegacy says...

You could always change the order of the words to read "...slowly opened" and then find a close rhyme of opened (such as broken). :)

HannaLynn says...

I thought about that but I wrote this in a short amount of time when I was really tired (because I%u2019m sick right now) and I couldn%u2019t think of better wording.

Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb