Published June 19, 2007
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
...Scrap this. It was terrible; nothing more, nothing less. And please refrain from using caps in the future; none of the experienced (read: good) members of this site will take you seriously if you continue to do so.
Line breaks seemed choppy and arbitrary at best. The whole thing seemed pretty ramble-y to me, and I couldn't really get into it enough to give a decent critique. I suppose the best advice I could give here would be to sit down with this and see where you can eliminate anything that doesn't move the poem toward the desired conclusion. Conciseness can be wonderful.
Er... if you want the poem to disappear, you can always click "edit" and then erase the poem, putting "Post Deleted" instead. Then you can ask one of us to lock it.
That aside, don't worry so much about rhyming. Not all poetry has to rhyme, really.
Sorry, I'm not sure how you delete a post!
First off, don't be too hard on yourself about this. It was your first poem, and not all that bad an effort. Your voice will come with time and practice. I've a few comments/suggections for this, which I hope are helpful:
1)Rearrange your layout.Try and have all your lines a similar length, eg:
"If a friend is someone
Who tells you to do right
When you're doing wrong."
It just looks neater, and helps with the flow. If you're still unsure, try reading it aloud. Write it in the way that you read it.
2)Replace "thee" with "you." The "thee" isn't necessary, and is out of synch with the register of the poem. Don't worry about "sounding like a poet", just try to sound like you (this is harder than it sounds, but you'll get it with practise.)
3)Griffinkeeper is right, this is a little weak. I'd try redrafting it a couple of times. I get what you're trying to do with the contrast, but you can make it so much stronger. Really try to feel the disappointment and resentment and whatever else inspired you to write this, while you write. As, chances are, if you can't feel it, then no one else can either. Again, this will come with time.
Don't be discouraged, no one writes a masterpiece on their first go, and this was by no means awful. Don't give up. Hope this helped.
How do you delete a post?
Please, don't write in all caps or use numbers or chat speak. When you write in all caps, it is like shouting. Proper grammar and spelling are not just for stories.
Don't let your poem go on like that. If you finish it, stop. You don't see movie stars thanking people the moment the credits start rolling, so why should you do it with this poem?
This poem is weak. There are no strong words or stanzas.
You make a shopping list of all the things a friend should be. This sucks all the life out of the poem. Then you ask someone if they are a friend or foe?
Take this poem and send it to whoever you wrote it for. You wrote this poem for a very exclusive audience and that limits it's power. If you want a poem to impact others, you have to write it so that it affects others. Guess what the poem isn't doing?
You can edit your post after a short period of time instead of telling people what the errors are; if you want you could also delete that second post after editing the first.
If you're really not sure where something goes stick it in "Other".
And the Caps?
THERE SHOULD BE A SPACE FOR A NEW STANZA AFTER THE THIRTEENTH LINE, AND THE WORD "HOW" SHOULD NOT BE IN THE SEVENTEENTH LINE.
SORRY 4 THE INCONVINIENCE!!
I'M NOT SURE WHETHER THIS QUALIFIES AS LYRICAL POETRY!! COULD SOMEBODY CLARIFY WHETHER OR NOT IT IS. THANKS