I walked into the middle of the souk. People were rushing past me, shouting in different directions. A mother was running after her son, her veil floating behind her in the wind. A little boy and his sister were calling people to his father's stand, dragging them by the arms and offering them low prices. I knew all of these people. I had grown up with them, worked with them, laughed with them. After this, I would lose them. But I had to do it. The boundaries were becoming too much to bear. I couldn't take it any longer. I lifted my hand up to my head and slowly took out the pins one by one. I could feel my heart beat quicken and balls of sweat begin to form around the edges of this cage. In one swift movement, I pulled it off my head and let it fall to the ground. The chocolate waves tumbled down the side of my face for everyone to see. In a matter of seconds, the deafening market had become silent. Every man, woman and child was turned towards me, a look of horror painted on each of their faces. Not a single breath was drawn.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow. Just wow. This was very powerful, despite it's brevity. Probably because of it.
The sparse background of the character made me relate even more than if I knew more about her. She is passionate about what she is doing; she'd have to be. This is an issue that too much of the world ignores, that there are people, especially women, who are having their rights trampled and their pains ignored.
I hope that the character gets what she's going for, and that is what makes this such a great story. As a reader I was enthralled, and definitely couldn't look away once I started reading. Great job.
~Q
Heyo Hamsa! Happy review day, Flite here for a review. I suck at small talk so let's jump straight into it.
This piece I suppose, is controversial to some extent. Yes, it is one about defiance against conformity and every human's right to free speech and expression but at the same time, I also feel that you're neglecting the other side, the cultural side of this story. I'm not extremely well-versed in Islamic or Muslim culture, however I have talked to others coming from that background.
In particular, I think this is the core of your story. You did it in defiance for 'those women, girls even, who had had their rights stolen'. I have no doubt that some women and girls do feel this way, but what about the women and girls who wear their hijabs and burkas because they strongly believe in their religion? The Qur'an if I'm not mistaken says that women should dress modestly, and there are many other ways to express themselves apart from clothing.
Also, I quote from a source, "here is no law in Islam that punishes a woman for not wearing a veil and according to Islamic law a man has no jurisdiction in forcing a woman to wear a veil or hijab." Unless said person is a father or brother, they may admonish her but have no right to force her. So, where is your story set in, under what circumstances are they forced to wear this? Is it because of societal pressure, family pressure? It would be nice if you gave us some background. As to the shouting men who came and dragged her away, I don't know how plausible that is in the light of what I've just shared.
When writing a story, you need to consider different sides and perspective. Especially if it's a controversial subject, you'll be subjected to criticism if you're not careful. A story is like a coin, or a die, or any multi-sided object. It is never one-sided, if it is, it is not a story. That is a fact.
Suppose she was part of a feminist movement against this, then why wouldn't she form a pack with others instead of just protesting by herself. It is heroic but more so, it is also stupid. Unless she performed this under the circumstances like the Tank Man in 1989, than what's more likely is that she will be dragged away, and people will tell their kids 'don't copy that girl, look where that got her'. Unless she is a publicly known figure like Katniss (because she volunteered in front of the entire nation), but this is just a girl in what appears to be a busy market place.
Just food for thought. I like the idea you have here, but you need to readjust your scope and premises. If you'd like further discussion, feel free to PM me.
-Flite
Hey Flite,
Thank you very much for taking the time to review my writing.
I hope that you haven't misunderstood the piece. I am aware that it is quite controversial but I do believe that I have the right to write this piece as I myself am actually a muslim. I however do not cover up and the reason I wrote this was not because I believe that women should be like me and not cover up, on the contrary I wish I were strong enough to do it myself. I am lucky because my family has given me the choice and I live in London where there is nobody else to tell me that I am wrong and, although you are right about men not having the right to force women to wear the hijab, in many countries there are groups of extremists who take it upon themselves to enforce the laws of Islam. You have surely heard of the Taliban who are another group of men who scare women into wearing the hijab, among other things. I do not mean to offend any woman who covers up as I find it a truly beautiful act and this piece was actually inspired by some of my family living in Saudi Arabia and friends in Afghanistan who feel that, while covering up should be a way for them to honour Allah, it has become something that they are forced into doing, not for God but for others around them and that has taken all the goodness out of the act. This piece is about woman making their own decisions and choosing how to honour their religion in their own way without being forced into it because if you are just doing something because you are scared into it and not because you believe in it and you want to do it then it isn't making you a better muslim. That's my idea.
Hope I've managed to clear things up for you a bit, feel free to respond to this or PM me if you have furtger points.
H x
Hey there, Hamsa! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!
A few suggestions:
1. Right now, I see three big paragraphs. Try to break them up a little; it'll be a little easier on the eyes of the reviewers. They weren't so big that I had huge issues reading them, but it would just look more professional to see this broken up a bit more.
2. I like the way you start this, with the description of the activity in the souk, but I think this could use a bit more buildup to the "big moment". It happens a little too suddenly. Maybe have the character lament on her losses a bit more, or have her chat awkwardly with an acquaintance. Investing a little bit more time developing the character could make her actions have a better payoff in the end.
3. So, just to be clear: the narrator took off her hijab (or something along those lines) in public? This was the tiniest bit vague; at first I thought she was taking her clothes off. Maybe you could add something to specify this.
4. Not actually a suggestion, but I had no idea things were so bad for women in the Middle East. This picture of uproar that you've created is very enlightening for me, and sad to read. I also liked your vivid descriptions, like describing the character's hair as "chocolate waves".
5.
I'm pretty sure the correct turn of phrase is "beads of sweat". No big deal.
Overall, I thought that this was a great snippet of life, and of revolution. I love flash fiction, and this was a fine example of it. Keep up the great work!
Hey Cleverclogs!
Thanks for your time and all your help I'll be sure to take them into consideration and remember them when I'm writing again.
Yes, she took off her hijab, I will try to make it more clear and honestly most of the time women are happy to cover up and do it because they want to, it is very rare to find people women who were forced to cover up but it does still happen in some countries such as Afghanistan and should not be ignored.
Thank you again,
H x
Hi, there! Happy Review Day.
Ooh, this was interesting. I was slightly confused at what was happening until the mentioning of the young girl with her hijab. I love how it's like this: left for the reader to brew and the thoughts to churn around in their head. It was vague in a good way and detailed in a good way, which just, to me, added a great quality to this short story.
There wasn't really a major plot, and I think it would be awesome if it were created into a longer short story and the plot extended more, but the length still suffices and works perfectly fine.
I love this part here. The metaphor, the wording, everything. It's beautiful.
However, I do think some people of this religion would disagree with this (I can't say much, though). It is very symbolic though and I love the meaning behind it - if it is against the religion greatly the plot (someone does something wrong, hopes other people will do it too, blah blah blah) could be used in some sort of different way.
Anyways, I did enjoy this read. The emotions portrayed in this were stunning. Keep up the good work!:)
~ EternalRain
Hi EternalRain,
Thanks for your review!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I might make it longer and expand on it in the near future, if I do I'll be sure to publish it on here.
I know, I am sure many people will disagree as it is quite controversial but I am a muslim myself and, although many would say a very bad one after reading this piece, I have my beliefs and I think covering up should be a choice for everybody no matter where they are in the world.
Thanks again for your review
H x