If Heaven Were Cold

Okay so I'm feeling pretty nervous about publishing this seeing as it's probably the most mature thing I've ever written.. It's a quite long but it shouldn't take too long to read. Any reviews and help would be much appreciated, even for the title, I was also thinking maybe "That Kiss"? Oh and there are a couple of famous quotes like "life is a gift not a given right"... Anyway, hope you enjoy it! :)

Alice sat on the hospital bed where her best friend had died only a few hours earlier. She held up an envelope addressed to her. With trembling hands she opened it and pulled out the letter. She took a deep breath and begins to read...

Hey Alice,

It's Charlie, if you hadn't guessed. How are you?

Okay, maybe that's not the best question to ask... This is just a little awkward to say the least, and, to be honest, I'm not really sure what to say. If you find this, then it probably means that I'm dead (I hope so anyway, because if you find this when I'm still alive that would just be really embarrassing). Anyway, if I'm dead, that obviously means that you're angry. So first thing's first, I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sure the only thing in life that's worse than realising you're going to die is realising that someone you love is going to die, and that you're going to have to spend the rest of your life without them. I know I promised you I would never leave you and I swear I tried my best, but it was just getting too hard. I have no choice, I have to go.

I can see you right now, you know, as I'm writing this letter. I can't believe you've actually been at the hospital with me every day. Just because my life is ending, doesn't mean you should waste yours. I told you to go home. I don't care what you say, there's no way that chair you're sleeping on is comfortable.

But I want to thank you, anyway. Thank you for being the best friend anyone could ever have and for being with me for every step of the way. Thank you for being so hopeful and enthusiastic about my recovery. Your hope gave me the strength to hold on this long, but I realise now that I won't be able to hold on much longer. I can barely write this letter, but I have to. There's something I need to tell you before I go - something I've been hiding for the past few years - something I think you must know.

I remember the first time I saw you. With your little flowery dress and your braided hair. I knew I liked you straight away. I just didn't know how much. And it wasn't until you came back from Australia, 4 years ago, that I finally understood. You weren't that cute little 7 year old girl that had left, and that I pictured in my mind when we were sending each other those letters. No, you definitely weren't that little girl anymore; you had become this perfect person that I thought only existed in fairytales. I remember seeing your gentle smile and your sparkling eyes and thinking that you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen.

As time went by, I started feeling nervous around you and found myself thinking of you all the time. I didn't understand what I was feeling. All I knew was that every single time you touched me, I felt a burst of electricity surging through my veins, and I could feel my heart pulsating everywhere, all the way down to my toes. Just being with you made me forget everything, and life just seemed, well, perfect.

Eventually, I came to understand that this unfamiliar feeling was Love. She's a nasty one, she is. Very confusing. At times she would tickle me gently and make me smile, whilst at others she would make me sick to my stomach. But as soon as I understood who she was, she was smothered. She still showed up whenever I was with you, of course, but in those dreadful moments when I was alone, she was forced aside.

And then he entered. Fear. Now he's a whole other story, I tell you. There was nothing confusing about him, he was simply evil. And he came with this feeling that something was wrong. That I was wrong, disgusting even. A mistake. He followed me around everywhere. Whenever I was eating, whenever I was in the shower, whenever I was just watching television... He slept with me. Every night. He would climb into my bed, wearing his wicked smile, and wrap his threatening arms around me. And I would just lie there, paralysed, not knowing what to do. I never found the courage to fight him off. I was scared of how I felt, scared of telling you, and scared that you would reject me and that I would lose you forever.

And then, of course, there was that kiss. That New Year's Eve. The countdown was over and you just turned around and kissed me. Out of the blue. I was so shocked, I couldn't even breathe. It wasn't a long kiss, it wasn't an epic movie kiss, it was short, tender, and perfect. I remember feeling my cheeks heating up and being worried that you could hear my heart because of how loud and how fast it was beating. I'm hoping heaven will be like that first kiss. Not that that was my first kiss, as you know, but it was the first one that actually mattered; the first one where I actually felt something. In that brief moment in time, I was lost. It was then that I realised you felt the same way as I did. But you then pulled away and started giggling. So I told myself that I was stupid for thinking that and that, for you, it was just a joke. And that it would always be just a joke. How could you love me the way I loved you?

But I was wrong, wasn't I? And I found out soon enough. That night, actually. Do you remember? We were lying in bed after the party. You thought I was sleeping and you said those three words that I was always afraid to say. I remember you whispering them in my ear. "I love you". The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering around so fast. In fact, they hadn't stopped since that kiss, to the point where I felt physically ill. But at the same time, I had this sweet sensation, like warm honey melting in my mouth and sliding down my throat, warming my whole body. It couldn't have been easy for you to admit, even if you thought I was asleep, and I will always admire you for your courage. It kills me that I never said it back. Ha ha! Kills me. Funny, eh? No? Okay, you're right. Sorry.

Anyway, I will always regret pretending to be asleep that night. And I have thought about it every day and every night since. I was a coward for not telling you that I felt the same, but I just didn't know what to think. Well, I'm telling you now Alice. I do love you. I love you with all my heart and I always have.

I was going to tell you at the Arctic Monkeys concert. I was going to tell you at that picnic in Surrey. I was going to tell you during that holiday in Ireland. But each time I was a coward and couldn't build up enough courage. I kept telling myself that there was no point, since we would never be able to be together anyway. That you wouldn't want that. We would both be scared, judged, and even bullied. What would the people around us think? I told myself that I didn't want to put you through that.

I realise now that those were just pathetic excuses. That if we wanted to be together we could have found a way. Who cares what they think, anyway? Who cares what they do? As long as we're happy, nothing else matters. But I guess it's too late for that now, with me being dead and all. But yeah, that is my one regret. Not having understood that and telling you how I felt sooner. It's the only thing I would have changed in my life. But I guess there's nothing I can do about it now, except write you this letter.

Alice, I hope you find everything you're looking for in life. Actually, nevermind. I know you will. Because I'll be making sure of it. I'll be watching over you, always. I've known you forever and I'm not planning on leaving you now. I hope you don't mind being haunted.

A few points to remember : life is a gift, not a given right, so enjoy it, and don't waste it. Death has taught me to live each day as your last. Don't make the same mistake as I did and wait until it's too late to say how you feel. Don't allow anyone to hurt you, ever. Follow your dreams and be yourself, don't worry about what anyone says. Leave no stone unturned and leave your fears behind. Remember to put your happiness first and just have fun.

Now I know that, in a lifetime, there are many things that your best friend should say, and even more if he/she is in love with you ; and since I cannot list them all now, I'm just going to say one thing and I hope it will help you through all your hard times, no matter what they are : Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end. If you ever feel like you're alone and you just need someone to talk to, know that I am still here and you can always count on me. I will be with you every second of every minute, of every hour of every day. I will sit and listen to anything you have to say.

I know I'm in no position to ask anything of you after I broke my promise, but I hope you'll be able to forgive me and promise me something. Promise me that you'll continue your studies and graduate, and move to a hot country, like you always planned. Find yorself someone to love (remember, people who fall in love once are always more likely to fall in love again) and just settle down and live a peaceful, but exciting, life. Promise me that you'll be better at keeping your promise than I was. Oh, and promise me that you'll live until you're grey and old. I need time to get everything ready for you up here. I have a throne for you, a warm, cosy, pink one, but I still need a lot of time for a castle fit for The Queen of Drama.

Speaking of drama, I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to worry about me. I have all our wonderful memories stored deep in my heart to keep me warm in case Heaven is cold.

Of course I was upset when we got the results from the diagnosis. Who wouldn't be? Death is considered a bad thing, but really, if it makes you celebrate life and hug your loved ones just a little tighter, it's not that bad. You know what they say, don't cry because it's over... Sometimes you have to be apart from the people you love, but that doesn't mean that you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.

I understand that it's my time now, and I am ready. I've had a good life. No, actually, I've had a great life. I get to die knowing that I was loved, and not just by anyone, but by you Alice. I am overjoyed. Even though the time was short, and we were never officially a couple, I loved you and you loved me. It couldn't have been any better. I lived.

I want you to be comfortable with who you are, take your time but remember, there is nothing wrong with it. Do not be afraid to admit it. I was, until now, and if I wasn't my life could have been very different, a good different. And I know it's just too little too late, but I'm ready to admit it now, I'm in love with you, Alice, and I don't care what anybody else thinks. I hope you feel the same, and remember, it might be hard, but if you find someone who you love as much as I love you, it will all be worth it in the end.

I have to go now, Freddie Mercury is trying to steal your throne, the little rascal! I'll be with you, always,

Charlotte xxx

Alice gently folded up the letter. She lay down on the hospital bed and held it against her heart. A tear slowly trickled down her cheek. She felt a cool breeze brush against it, and it disappeared. She smiled, knowing that, no matter what, Charlie would always be there for her. She would love her until the day she died. And even after that...