Head vs. Heart
You live in my dreams
Never to leave
No matter my pleas,
I try to let go
I try to forget
But in my dreams you live,
You're in my heart
Inside my chest
I tell myself I want you out
Do I really? I don't know
In denial? Maybe so
I should be strong enough
After all,'
You're just one person
Or is there more?
My body's at war
Head vs. Heart
It tears me apart,
My sanity as the battlefield
For now I'm no man's land.
Waiting to be conquered
But each one too afraid to see who'll come out on top
The result is feared the most
The vacancy's there
But the rents sky high
A dollar more
Than I can ever afford.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi Hamingway!
By the way... your username is awesome!
Hmm... your poem is interesting. You're using the idea of insanity and everything to make it sound like some sort of epic battle between your head and heart. But... I think it may be more interesting to approach this in a different way. For instance, you say that your dreams speak of you something that your head rejects. That is, he (I am using the masculine form because I am not certain of the sex of this person, so I figured I would just use conventional pronouns... forgive me, I do not mean to offend if it's the other way around) tortures you in your dreams, as it were, with his presence. And you know that he should get out... you know that it would make sense to live without him... yet you can't seem to get out from under his grasp because he seems to be omnipresent.
...do you see what I mean?
So, it might be really really cool if you actually described some of the dreams that you had, and then what would happen when you woke up and the cruel reality presents itself. In the dream, that is, you would have him with you, and outside the dream, you would be miserably apart?
I don't know... it seems cool because then, instead of telling us about it, you can show.
Or! Or! Maybe, you can be more direct and accusatory to the actual person who will not let you be. Already, you kind of do this, because you say "you" and direct the poem's subject to "you," but if you do this and make the accusations more accusing and specific... this might make it even more interesting.
Anyway, just a couple of ideas! Right now, this poem is pretty typical. But, you can make it really shine if you try a different approach with it.
I'm relatively unpracticed at critical analysis, so bear with me. I like your poem, but parts of it are a bit confusing.
Here, to start, grammatical suggestions.
I think, if you ended this here with a period, instead of carrying on with a comma, it would make a much more cohesive statement.
Then making this it's own sentence
, because it doesn't really seem to carry into the next bit very successfully.
inserting a comma after and another after , structures the sentence and aids in the flow of the poem.
This would feels like it would almost sound partially reversed, but as is invokes the image of a heart locked in a treasure chest with a little thought. Though, again, make it it's own sentence with a period to set it out and organize a flow.
, a period is needed here.
, again here, and here .
If you make those changes, this section would make more sense grammatically,
.
, this needs to be it's own sentence, or attached by a comma to . Play around with it, this section needs a little work to be a little more coherent. Also, you seem to have a misplaced apostrophe at the end that need not be there.
From here on it gets very confusing.
First, a comma between 'person' and 'is', but this is the stanza that the rest of the poem seems to build upon, because right here you make reference to several combatants
that were never previously mentioned, so you need to elaborate as to exactly who or what it is here that your describing as fighting over your heart, because it becomes a confused jumble otherwise. Here, , looks like the ideal place to elaborate and tie both sentences together to make more sense in the poem. If you're making allusions to your ahead and your heart being most afraid of the result and fighting each other, you need to be a little clearer about it.
if you could add a comma after this and place this (maybe using "with" before "my sanity") and tying off the sentence. Making this with a comma, , ending as a sentence, it would tie together a rather strong statement.
After in this part, maybe a capitalization of "no-man's land", then remove the period, and join it to as a sentence.
, this part in structure feels a little awkward. Maybe you could rephrase it?
In here just try to make it clear where the vacancy is if you wish, and maybe add a comma after "high".
It's a good start to a promising piece, it just needs polishing.