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Young Writers Society


Violence Mature Content

Beautiful Death (Part 1)

by Haiimthomas


(I have rewritten this, it is now going to be a longer story. I felt what i did before was too short. This is sort of like a chapter 1, sorta. Anyway, let me know what you think. Thanks :'D )

"Places, everyone, places!" The theatre was silent as he spoke. The emotionless audience remained still, watching the masked virtuoso move elegantly around the stage, organising every small detail. “Everything must be exactly in place! Quickly now, the audience is waiting!"

The doors to the theatre shut, a chain being tied around its handles. The final man and woman were guided to their seats, trading struggled punches with the usher, “My daughter!” cried the man, a fine needle being injected into his neck, tears falling rapidly down his cheeks. “Where is my daughter?”

“Do not worry,” the usher snickered, watching the green liquid leave the barrel of the needle. “You’ll be with her soon enough.”

“How lovely.” The virtuoso watched over the audience, waiting anxiously. “Everyone is in place, I am in place, everything is perfect.”

He cleared his throat, the beginning loomed. “Smiles, everyone, smiles!” his voice echoed throughout the theatre, causing gloomy eyes to shift his way. “I’ve outdone myself this time, you’re all in for a killer show!”

He straightened his robe; standing as tall as he could, ascending his hands up into the air. “The curtain rises,” his voice fell to nothing more than a whisper, closing his eyes. “The stage is set.”

The lights illuminating the theatre dimmed, darkness fell over the stage. The virtuoso reached beneath his robe, searching for his puppet. Polished gold greeted his fingers, the barrel, he inched his fingers further along, finding it. His thoughts calmed, opening his eyes. He was ready to perform.

He walked the length of the stage, consumed in darkness. He hummed the only song he knew, waiting. The moment must be perfect.

His humming grew louder and louder, a song of new life. He stopped at the pinnacle of his breath, returning to centre stage.

The lights returned, lighting up only the virtuoso. His pale mask shone a brilliant white, blinding all who looked upon it. “Death,” the word stirred no reaction amongst the audience, continuing their blank stare. “Death comes to all in the end. We live, we die. The inevitable cycle of life, live, die. Shouldn’t death be exciting? To go out on a high, being remembered for something with meaning, wouldn’t that be something?”

He waited for his echo to leave, the time was almost right. “Death should be an art form. An artist’s painting lives on after the artist dies, it is the only thing that lives on. I am the artist; you are my painting. You will live on, in time.”

The audience stirred at his last sentence, gathering their consciousness.

The virtuoso stepped forwards, kneeling down. “Beautiful,” He looked a small girl in the eyes, watching her head drift from side to side, butterflies filled his stomach.

He returned to his feet, feeling his puppet within his robe. “You will be but a mere stroke upon my painting, a meaningful stroke.”

He watched the girl look around in confusion, awoken from her state of rest. “Mum, Dad?” Her cries disturbed his thoughts, an usher ran over to her, injecting another needle into her neck. "I have elaborate plans for you."

He stood up slowly, the moment was perfect. Breath. You must breathe. His heart was racing; his hands were wet. He grabbed one of his puppets strings, hearing it prepare. “Watch me pull my puppets strings, watch them dance, hear them sing, feel them move.”

The stage light went out, all was dark. ‘The moment before the shot is painful.’ His father’s words played in his head, he could wait no longer.

The light returned, brighter than before. The audience were illuminated; the stage was black. I will gaze upon beauty. His pupils constricted, he could see all.

He took a deep breath, all went silent. One breath should last.

“I will make you famous!” His voice broke the silence. “The performance begins!”

He knelt down on one knee, taking careful aim. The trigger was firm, he pulled it slowly.

The bang was loud, shattering all glass objects in the theatre. A golden bullet flew out of the gun, separating into hundreds of little bullets, searching for their targets, an easy find.

The virtuoso watched, hypnotised. Flesh was ripped, torn and thrown around. Velvet chairs were stained with blood. The gun was hot, smoking through the barrel, he sniffed it in, ecstasy to his soul. “Art is worth the pain!” he screamed at the lifeless audience, his voice cracking mid-sentence. Tears fell down his cheeks, beautiful death. “Your life had no value before me!”

He noticed the little girl slumped in her seat, blood spreading over her yellow dress. The virtuoso looked away immediately, walking to the back of the stage.

“Art must exist beyond reason,” his voice softened, he could see the whole canvas from where he stood. The first stroke of the brush.

The curtain fell, he was alone.


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Sat Oct 08, 2016 6:03 pm
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CateRose17 wrote a review...



The way you worded everything reminded me of a painting, funny because the whole thing is about an art work. It was- in a way- cold in your style. It was really well written, but there were some holes. But it lets the reader imagine what went on before, adds mystery to it. It was sad and kind of creepy with the little girl. If you were trying for artistic horror, you did an amazing job. So far it's a great story line of a tortured mind. Again, from what I got, this is what it looked like to me, but if not, I'd like to know the backstory behind the Virtuoso. Great job!




Haiimthomas says...


Thankyou :)



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Thu Oct 06, 2016 5:13 pm
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Sujana wrote a review...



So since dear Marmalade helped you with the proofreading bit of your review, I think it's only fair that you hear a bit from the structure and story bits. Which is fitting, since that sort of thing is my jam. Unfortunately, I'm currently at a disadvantage; one, my gaming knowledge is limited to play-throughs of Telltale games and Overwatch. Two, my brief search through the internet on this Jhin personality didn't answer too many of my questions. And while I feel like it'd be dumb of me to ask those in a review, I think it's only fair, since a work of literature will be exposed to people of at the very least average intelligence--therefore, even if it's based on another work, it has to make sense at the most basic plot level. Which it doesn't. At least to me. And I'll explain later, but first,

The Beginning

Immediately after the first two or three paragraphs, a gaping plothole laid before me, and I couldn't ignore it. Maybe this is set in some video game world where killing isn't a big deal, I don't know. But question one: who goes to these shows to get killed?

I think it'd make more sense to me if they grabbed some random people to be shot at in a lavish manner, but to kill the actual, paying audience? Where do they get these people? Where do they come from? How is he still running with dead audiences? Am I missing something here? Wait, let me check the League of Legends page.

[...]

No, I still don't think I understand. As far as I understand, Jhin was only a stage hand in his job. Enlighten me if you'd like, of course, I'd love to hear it from you. I think it would be better, actually, if you explained it briefly in the story as well. It wouldn't be too hard. Just a mention, that's all, and everything would be forgiven.

Also:

Death is so boring,” the theatre was silent as he spoke, the many faceless lives staring up at the stage lit man, their death choreographed to perfection. “Death comes once a life. You only get one shot to make it perfect, this is why you are here, I’m going to make it beautiful.”


Those two sentences don't directly contradict each other, but they don't relate to each other, either. "Death is boring because you only get one shot to make it perfect." So does that mean singing performances are boring too? How about theatrics? Any stage performance? Okay, perhaps they aren't supposed to be related. Maybe something along the lines of "Death is so boring usually and you only get one shot to make it perfect/interesting." A little bit of a stretch there. I suggest rewording it so that it doesn't sound like p=q.

Main Criticisms

Other than that, we also have:

-I know Marmalade already mentioned it, but I really, really think you should send this through a spell checker. Just a couple more times, just to make sure. I usually use Grammarly, because it also has an online extension, so it's very useful in all browsers.

-Related to the beginning, you have some difficulty injecting enough information in your story to give the scenes more emotional impact. The only thing I really get from the part with the mirror is that he's seeing hallucinations of something--either an actual monster or his own face, which would be a more interesting concept--and that's a problem, because I can tell it's supposed to be ripe with some sort of emotion. However, when the main character is suddenly screaming, the audience doesn't know what's going on. Is he going mad? Has he seen something bad in the mirror? We really can't tell. It's a good idea to insert some more hints, or organize it better. When I want to tell the audience something, I lay out the basic plot and try to pick out the things that'll show them, slightly, what's going on. Brother killed his sister over money? Have him hold a bloody pink wallet, and constantly whisper her name in regret. Mathematician in love? Have him try to impress his crush by reciting the digits of pi. Something along those lines, except a little more artistically murderous. I'm sure you can figure out something much more creative.

Main Praises

-I do like the idea of artistic murder. I know, it's somewhat worn by your usual crime shows, but I can't get enough of it. I hope you do manage to sort it out a bit, I think this could actually have potential to be very interesting. It could make commentary on how audiences enjoy wanton violence and see it as an artform, and how entertainment has become desentisized to violence and now only see it as a means to an end. But that's speaking from potential, a potential I remember attributing to the Hunger Games once, as well.

-There's a certain atmosphere to the work that I can't explain. There's something very enchanting about how you describe your world, and I see that you can use it to great use. However, environment depends entirely around structure, and you really do need to work on that.

And that's all I have for today. Hopefully some of my mindless rambling helped with something.

--Elliot.




Haiimthomas says...


Originally this 'short story' was for a year 12 test, and we were told to (there were many other choices, too) write about wearing a mask/hiding your true self. Instantly i thought of the character Jhin (from League of legends) mostly because he wears a mask (I personally haven't looked into his lore, I sorta wish I did). Since there was a word limit of around 1000 words (give or take 100), I rushed getting to the scene where he looks into the mirror, looks at himself and thinks, 'I look like crap.' This is mostly why he wears the mask (In my story, not in League of legends but i will enlighten myself shortly ;) ).

I didn't think to much about the audience, why they came to the Jhin's 'show' in the first place, i doubt they would've if they knew what he was going to kill them. I shall give it more thought.

"%u201CDeath is so boring,%u201D the theatre was silent as he spoke, the many faceless lives staring up at the stage lit man, their death choreographed to perfection. %u201CDeath comes once a life. You only get one shot to make it perfect, this is why you are here, I%u2019m going to make it beautiful.%u201D

^^ Come to think of it, it does sound a bit odd. I shall change it.

I seem to always rush writing it and tend to forget about correcting the grammar, my bad. I'll be sure to make the changes.

Thanks for pointing out all that you did, I really appreciate it :')

~Thomas~



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Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:43 pm
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Charm wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review your work!

Grammar:

The crowd were slumped in their seats, velvet stained with blood.

The crowd was slumped in their seats, velvet stained with blood.
He stopped at a pale blue door, though it wasn’t as noticeable in the dark, only a golden plague on the front was clear, Jhin, it read.

He stopped at a pale blue door, though it wasn’t as noticeable in the dark, only a golden plaque on the front was clear, Jhin, it read.
He starred at the broken mirror, the creature vanished back into its depths.

He stared at the broken mirror, the creature vanished back into its depths.
He walked over to the broken mirror, starring into it.

He walked over to the broken mirror, staring into it.
A young man looked back, not day older than twenty-one.

Weird sentence, doesn't quite make sense.
He whispered into his room, starring at the broken mirror.

He whispered into his room, staring at the broken mirror.
“Death is so boring,” the theatre was silent as he spoke, the many faceless lives staring up at the stage lit man, their death choreographed to perfection.

Run on sentence: “Death is so boring,” the theatre was silent as he spoke. The many faceless lives staring up at the stage lit man, their death choreographed to perfection.
“The stage is set,” he said at the nothing more than a whisper, reaching beneath his robe.

Doesn't make sense.

My Thoughts:
I really liked this work. I'm reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern at the moment and this really reminded me of it. The story flowed really well and was really engaging. I don't have any critiques besides grammar, which I feel a bit bad about but, hey, it's a good thing.

Never stop writing,
marmalade




Haiimthomas says...


Thankyou for pointing out all my grammatical errors, i'll be sure to change them.

Thankyou :D

~Thomas~



Charm says...


No problem :D



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Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:22 pm
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royevans says...



great




Haiimthomas says...


Thanks :)


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royevans says...


welcome




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