Published October 29, 2007
A chill of early morning summer sent a wave of pleasure through the villagers of Moonlight Valley. The warm suns glow rimed the treetops that surrounded the Valley. Its beauty lit up a young woman’s bronze face. Her icy blue gaze travelled quickly over the brown-bottomed oaks. They stopped suddenly and a jolt of curiosity swirled through her expression. With a single swift movement she sprinted towards the forest muscular legs brought her forwards with graceful strides. Her red dreadlocks were a sea of life behind her as she flung noiselessly into a tree. Without another thought she peered from behind the branches and smiled, revealing sharp white teeth that resemled more of colourless thorns than teeth. She leaped from the trees into the air her arms outstretched before her. Her body let off an elegant white glow; she fell to the ground in the form of a muscular black wolf with long dark wings. Without a moments hesitation she pelted forwards her black paws a blur beneath her their repetitive gallop brook the morning’s silence. Seconds later she came into the view of a white haired woman. The wolf threw back her head and howled savagely before leaping onto the girl with a yelp of joy. The woman screeched and fell to the ground in the form of a blue feather lion with elegant spotted wings. She laughed as they rolled around playfully batting at each other with their large paws. The first to speak was the lioness “Gwenevire I told you no shifting” She growled. Before answering Gwenevire (the wolf) rolled onto her back and batted the air with her paws, “I know Liloo…But I was so tempted! You are so easy to catch!” She laughed and stood up. She trotted up the small mountain they had reached and peered down eagerly. She flicked her tail motioning for Liloo to come. “What is it Gwen?” She asked wryly before stepping forwards and looking down, a second later she looked up and smiled “Shall we?” Gwenevire asked with a devilish grin etched into her eyes. “Yes” She reared up on her back legs and they both dove downwards. Their wings pressed tightly against their flanks. Gwenevire barked with joy as Liloo let out a rawr of pleasure and they both let their wings out and they quickly veered back up into the sky. They turned their heads to each other and smiled daringly “YES!” They both yelled before diving back down towards the sea underneath them. They tucked their wings back and stretched out there paws and transformed back into humans. They took one last look at each other and hit the water with a giant splash. They resurfaced seconds later laughing hysterically. “That’s the best one yet!” Liloo screamed happily. They two girls looked at each other and took a big breath in before diving down into the ocean. The deeper they got the darker it got. Over the period that they where swimming they began to grow there wings back. They hit rock bottom both of there faces pink, “Wets wo” Gwenevire babbled. Liloo nodded enthusiastically and they bent their knees before pushing up their hands outstretched and their wings pressed tightly against their sides. They bolted through the water like white waves.
After a few flaps of their muscular wings they hit the surface they instantly sucked in as much air as possible before slowly paddling back to shore. Swimming felt like running on water. There legs where useless as where there arms. They got swept in by a large wave and lay panting on their bellies. Gwenevire was the first to rise, her muscle straining under her aching legs. “That’s nothing compared to the blood river…” She breathed “Not only is the water thick with blood in death but we would have to stay down there and search for the calling egg.” She groaned and began to walk back into the forest her body slowly morphing into her wolf form.
< Okay...I was going to make my changes but I am to lazy...I will later! XD>>
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140,894 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Thanks.
I suddenly find myself reading the same line over and over.
This is REALLY hard to read, and I doubt I even understood much of it. Definitely break it up into smaller paragraphs, add dialogue, something to kep it spaced out and easy on the eyes. 
I suddenly find myself reading the same line over and over.
I suddenly find myself reading the same line over and over.
I think you get my point....
Thanks for ll your help. But tis was a crap story XD
Yeah, you can RP.
But I won't have the time; I'm too busy with my story
Anyways, we shouldn't be chatting on these forums!
Yah...That was sort off a crappy thing that I wrote...I was not trying very hard and...Next time text time! XD
Thank you again!
Do you think that you can role play on these thingers?
No prob Gwen
Sorry if I sounded parent-ish but people probably aren't going to review your work because the dialogue is all mixed up with the text and it is somewhat difficult to read all that...
Wow wow...Its an expression! XD
A couple more things...
You said:
A chill of early morning summer sent a wave of pleasure through the villagers of Moonlight Valley. The warm suns glow rimed the treetops that surrounded the Valley.
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I'm kinda confused; first you were talking about the chill, and then you said 'the suns warm glows'?
'suns' should be posesiv; sun's.
You wrote
“Shall we?” Gwenevire asked with a devilish grin etched into her eyes.
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A grin is etched into her eyes?
People generally grin with their mouths, and having something etched into her eyes sounds quite bizarre...
Thanks Ayra...I will change it all know.
You say that last sentence as if I am a baby!
Yes I know I suck at spelling... Well I fell behind in english due to an extra program that overlapped my english *cry*
elegant...Well...I'll work on it!
Thanks for helping me!
The ideas are excellent, but the structure is hard to read.
You wrote
Her icy blue eyes scanned the trees; they moved quickly with ease across the brown-bottomed oaks.
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That doesn't exactly make sense; eyes don't move and the sentence is kind of awkward. Try something along these lines:
Her icy blue gaze travelled quickly over the brown-bottomed oaks.
You wrote
They stopped suddenly a jolt of curiosity swirled through her expression.
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That doesn't make sense either...maybe something like this:
They stopped suddenly and a jolt of curiosity swirled through her expression.
You wrote
With a single swift movement she sprinted towards the forest with long elegant strides her muscular legs brought her forwards.
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Um...again, that sounds like it's in the wrong order. Maybe try something like this:
With a single swift movement she sprinted towards the forest. Her muscular legs brought her forwards with long elegant strides.
You wrote
Her red dreadlocks a sea of life behind her she flung noiselessly into a tree, without another thought she peered from behind the tree and smiled reveling elegant white teeth resembling more of a colorless thorns than teeth.
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Again. Suggestion:
Her red dreadlocks were a sea of life behind her as she flung noiselessly into a tree. Without another thought she peered from behind the branches (using tree twice sounded odd) and smiled, revealing elegant (?*) white teeth that resemled more of colourless thorns than teeth.
*Teeth doesn't go well with elegant...
Important point
You really should put your dialogue on separate lines, or else it's quite hard to read.
Also, there's alot more nit-picks I could point out, but I have limited time on the computer.
Overall
I love your ideas, but you should fix up the formatting and the structure of the paragraphs. And, I jyst thought I'd point out that you used 'elegant' alot of times...
Keep up the good work, but show your writing to a grown-up or get help from Word before you post it.