The waves cut cross-ways, knocking me; no lullaby rocking is this. The sea looks black - froth-topped. The wind makes the gulls wheel and cry to the cloud-stained sky, and I reel, no keel, tossing on the deep, sick sea. And not a tip-top, stop-clock, fat-sailed, brass-railed, ship-shape ship am I: no sail at all, but tattered flags – rags. I am a ship cut loose, map-less and mast-less, captain and crew-less, oar-less and over-awed at the great expanse of ocean.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
Most poems that I've read don't usually include this type of style but I think with this style, it is more of a story than an actual poem if that makes sense. You do have some nice imagery throughout this piece, even though it is short and sweet (sometimes the best poems have those short and sweet descriptions). One thing I would suggest is probably giving a bit of background to what this poem is trying to give off; maybe the ship is a sort of symbol to something deeper like emotions through trying time. I think you could expand this poem out a little more, also. It feels a bit short and with this idea, there are plenty other ideas you could use to expand this.
This kind of is redundant. Usually, when you want to repeat something, it is usually best to just do that when you want to highlight something important. In this case, I think you should just have 'a ship' or something. Speaking of which, the way you have this set up can be also confusing because the reader doesn't know which stanza is which and that can be hard because with stanzas it usually shows where something ends and begins. So, I suggest, you could place this whole poem into stanzas.
Overall, I liked this poem, including the ending. It ties it all back together and concludes the poem quite nicely. If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
*waves*
After having read the entirety of Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and swimming in a depressive funk, this feels far too coincidental for my liking. Nevertheless, I admire this poem. The narrative style isn't something that I've seen among the others works I've reviewed thus far this month, and I appreciate that you'd delve into a less-experimented-with format. As it stands, it works to paint the scenery, characterize the narrator, and incorporate a lot of wonderful and smooth rhythms. The second-to-last line is my favorite part, for exactly that reason - it flows delightfully, and all the pauses are appropriate. I must agree with ardentlyThieving that the grammar is erratic at times. But, like I said, I've read Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and there's no way you'd be able to top the lines it rearranges. This is mild in comparison, and I personally think it adds to the seafaring and relatively dramatic nature of the poem, thus giving it a grander and more foreboding feeling.
I'm not sure what to make of "over-awed", though. The descriptions of the sky (cloud-stained is one of my new favorite descriptors on the topic, so well done), sharp waves, and battered ship suggest something far more like fear. If you could word it to more aptly demonstrate the glory and beauty of the ocean, I would find awe more appropriate, but fear works best here. "I reel, no keel" also sounds awkward here, though it's possible you could be using another definition of keel than I'm familiar with (nautical terms usually elude me). Still, this poem's audience could feel as I do, so that's something I'd suggest changing. As a metaphor for depression, fear, and anxiety - all of which accompanying existential crises, to my awareness - this conception of the ship and its tumultuous environment has my full approval. It's vivid, effective at illustrating the challenges and dangers of life, and shows the common struggle of having no idea where you're going and dealing with threats looming on all sides. Great job!
Hey there GusG and happy Thursday. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Paragraph poems, or prose poems as most people call them, are something that always interest me because each one is different. I rarely see them with this crowd so I do believe that this will be fun in some way. If I'm being entirely honest right off the bat, I thought that this was somehow going to be about fandom ships, just from your description. The title itself doesn't really line up with the imagery until the speaker blatantly says it to the audience. I'm still kinda iffy on you going about it in this direct way, where the imagery could have been shaped more and the ship line be at the very end.
Should have started by taking it from the top but there's no time like the present.
Most of the wording in this piece sounds a bit off to me, like you're almost trying too hard for it to come out sounding a specific way, manipulating every part of it. The words here are obviously hand picked by you to provide a certain meaning but really, it comes in waves, if you'll pardon the phrase. Time to time, it sounds very deep and thought out but other lines just sound impulsive.
The first line is one of the impulsive ones that just rushes through with little description about the waves. You were very careful on other parts but the meh lines kind of ruin the overall feeling of it.
I feel like the imagery, since it's the major thing going on here, should cause more of an impact on the reader. But for me, it just doesn't really do anything. It sits there and causes some pretty pictures to resonate in my mind, but I don't feel its connection to the story. I think that's the best way to word it and I'd like to use the next example to explain further.
The entirety of the poem is a cycle of starting strong and cutting it off before you finish, probably done to make the points as strong as possible, but really the move into the next line. It's choppy and pieced together with duct tape, setting the flow off balance and causing the reader to struggle through it.
I think with a bit of work to this first draft, you could make a way better second. If you want some help with that, my workshop is always open.
Happy #RevMo .
~Liz
Hey hey, Ardently! here for a review!!
I'm going to be completely honest, from your title I thought this was somehow related to the game where you have to murder someone while not getting murdered. Nothing to do with the review, just thought of it.
Anyways, I like this! The idea behind it is really cool, and I think you did a good job of showing it!! I especially like this line: "tip-top, stop-clock, fat-sailed, brass-railed, ship-shape" as it sounds really fun to read and say. I'm also a fan of the repetition of: "map-less and mast-less, captain and crew-less, oar-less."
If I have one complaint it's that sometimes this gets a little weird grammatically. "no lullaby rocking is this" is the main example that I can point out. It feels like it might be a style thing which is cool, it's just a little awkward to read.
Another thing is that this is more formatted like a short story than a poem. That's fine! this bit isn't a complaint or critique, I'm just wondering if that was your intention originally or if you decided to go for this because YWS formats stuff badly a lot of time. If it's that you're having trouble figuring out how to format correctly, this How to Format Poetry
is a helpful article. If you just chose to make it a paragraph because it looked right to you, that's cool and you don't need to change it if you don't want.
Alright, like I said earlier I like the theme. I like how this poem is just comparing the narrator to a ship, it's a really cool idea. You've got some really nice imagery in this piece. I think you could elaborate a bit more, add a few more lines of the metaphor before your last line if you wanted to and that would be quite cool, like this piece is very short, but what you have is still quite strong even without more added.
Basically, I really enjoyed this poem!! Happy RevMo
~ Ardently! <3 ~