I
sit, weary, on the ground,
As children do when left alone,
And
some new artifact is found:
Their eyes with purest wonder
grown,
But when I look into my heart, the wonder is my own.
These
wooded hills, these mountains bare!
That men should build: to
think we dare.
What have I made that stands as fair.
What
feeble mind could bow to chance,
If he sat here while grasses dance?
What man could think God does not care?
If
all mountains are as those,
Then mountains shall be mine,
And
if all heather like this grows,
Then heather shall be thine,
For I shall climb the mountains, and you shall make them
worth the climb.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi! Just a really quick note, I need to get off soon. Your "artefact" is usually spelled "artifact". Just thought you should know.
Thanks. I have corrected it.
... however, spell check says I was right.???
Artefact is a subdivision, I guess you could say, of artifact. Like how gray and grey are. Both are technically correct, it is just that you see one a lot more often than the other, to the extent that when most normal people see the word "artefact" they go huh? and assume it is wrong. For the convenience of most of society, it might just be better to stick with "artifact".
OK, I'll change it back. Thanks again.
Your welcome! I'm glad I could help!
I really like this poem! I think that it's wonderfully creative and you made pretty good use of imagery and rhyme, and while I think the context of the muse of this poem is important to fully understanding its significance - I can feel some of the emotions behind it and it vibes super well (that's a good thing for poetry, right? vibes? sure)
I'm not really sure if you were intending this, but you've got a pretty good grasp on rhythm as well, the stress pattern of the entire poem is actually pretty consistent stressed un-stressed iambic meter (if you're unfamiliar with iambic meter, here's an article explaining it: http://study.com/academy/lesson/iambic- ... mples.html). I'm not really sure if you had a specific kind of meter in mind when writing this but it really helps smooth out the reading of the poem in my opinion.
Though, in the vein of iambic meter, there ARE places where you disrupted the flow and it was very jarring. In the second line of the third stanza "If he sat here, watched grasses dance?" really disrupts the flow of the stanza because the first and last lines of that stanza fit the meter scheme perfectly fine. I'd suggest a change there. There are only a few more lines in the poem that do this, so if you want you can just like, tap it out and find the places that don't fit and a fix could be as easy as putting in a spare "the" or cutting a word. Other than that, you've made like one or two spelling errors? Nothing major, those can always be excused, no one is perfect.
Overall I totally dig this poem, dude. Definitely keep on writing!
Thank you for a good, constructive review. I'm glad you liked my poem.
I have no knowledge of the theory of writing poetry except what I pick up from reading the stuff, so I was surprised to find that I was working out the rules for myself, by accident. I must be doing something right.
I know what you mean about the second line of the third stanza though. I thought about it for a long time before publishing, but I couldn't find of an alternative that kept the full meaning. I have changed it, and some other bits: you can see what to. What do you think of it now?
I didn't spot any spelling mistakes though.??
Thanks again,
GusG
Hi GusG, Felistia here with a short review on your poem.
I really love the description in here, it gives me a full picture by the end of the poem.
I also love the rhymes, which help the poem flow and don't feel forced at all.
I do have some nit-picks. You used the word mountain way to much. You could use different words like in the line (Then mountains shall be mine,) You could say (Then those peaks shall be mine,) Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore it. The last line is also way to long and throws the rhythm right off for me. I think you should change it.
Overall a really well written poem and I look forward to seeing more of your work. I hope you have a great day\night.
Thanks for your review.
I agree about the overuse of mountain. In some places the repetition is deliberate ( such as the first two lines of the final stanza), but I do need to change it in other places. I'll see what I can do.
As to the last line though, I like it long. It makes the reader slow down, and end smoothly. The problem could be in your reading. It is not meant to be read -
dum de dum de dum de dum,
dum de dum de dum de dum.
- but rather in a slower, more contemplative way, but, if that is not how you read it, then it is my fault for not making it clearer through my writing.
Apart from that though, thank you for taking the time to give me some feedback, it was very useful.
Hey!
This poem is beautifully written! I love the images it creates, and the final stanza ties the whole piece together very well. I also enjoyed how the tone changes from weary to curious to hopeful as the poem progresses. Congratulations on an excellent piece!