They say time can heal all wounds. Maybe I’m the exception. I have lived longer than any man, yet my heart still pines for a love that was never mine. Her name was Nadia, such a beautiful creature she was. Long black hair like silk, eyes like starlight and such pale porcelain skin it seemed a gentle touch would shatter her into pieces.
I remember the first day I met my beautiful goddess. She was so young and full of curiosity. Her family lived just beyond the dense wood where I reside and my Nadia had become lost amongst the tall pines and thick grass. I saw her kneeling pink faced and panting beside a stream. She entranced me at once. Many a girl had lost themselves in my forest but none as beautiful as her. It was her eyes which drew me, so bright, so innocent, so curious. They seemed to look right threw me into my very soul.
I approached her quietly so as not to startle her. I gently took hold of her shoulder. She jumped back with a small yelp of surprise, falling back to look at me with wide starlight eyes. She looked me over several times, as if not believe what she was looking at.
Then, with a voice soft as a dove, she asked. “Wh-who are you?” Such music her voice was to my ears! So enchanted was I that I almost forgot to answer her.
“I am the prince and protector of this forest,” I said, looking intently into her starlight eyes. “But you my dear may call me Nuada.”
But that was many years ago. How I wish I had stolen her that very moment. I couldn’t have though; she was still but a child and had her whole life to live. I lead her out of the forest and vowed to watch over her until she was ready to come back to me. Years passed after that and she grew into the most beautiful woman who ever walked the earth. I stole her away on her sixteenth birthday when she ventured into my woods again.
But the worst had happened. She had fallen in love with another. She even forgot of me, only recalling glimpses of what transpired between us. I tried to sway her to stay and live with me. I gave her a lavish room, brought her exotic foods, read poetry to her when she allowed. But there was nothing I could do to win her heart. So, defeated I returned her to her home, where her family and lover embraced her and kept her away from my forest.
Of course no one questioned that she had gone missing for a number of days and returned completely unharmed. Those were much simpler times. The people believed a spirit of the forest had kept her safe. In a way, it was true. I am, after all, the protector of this forest. I have been here for centuries watching over the land and I have seen countless people come and go.
What broke my heart even more than my Nadia turning me away, was watching her. I stayed close, watching her every move. I watched with furious envy as she wed the boy she had fallen in love with, the reason for my plight. I watched with a sinking heart as she bore that boy, children. Those years were the longest of my ancient life. It was pure anguish to watch as she grew old and gray. She could have lived by my side forever if only she had accepted my offers. But the terrible day came when she was taken from me a second time.
I was wrought with a grief I hadn’t know was possible. I completely lost my grip and as a result my forest grew dangerous and wild. But it had been slipping from me since Nadia, oh my sweetest Nadia, had rejected me. My mind only knew her and I could not pull my attention away from her even if I wanted to. But now my Nadia had left me forever.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is....an interesting first chapter. That's about what I have to say about this particular one. On one hand, its strangely melancholic and beautiful but on the other hand and this is the more prominent feeling, it seems like a bit of a creepy stalker situation almost...almost, it seems this person does respect this woman enough to let her live the life she ultimately choses.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...this is off to a very interesting start here. I'm almost mildly creeped out for some reason. I don't quite know why but this level of detail with regards to observing someone from afar strikes me as a little odd especially when there's a general air of almost unrequited love of sorts hanging in the air. Its an interesting start for sure.
Hmm, this is definitely a little creepy there. There's no favourable reaction whatsoever to be gauged on the part of this woman, but this one appears to continue with their staring and declarations. Its an odd light to pain this first meeting in, I don't quite know if this is intentional or not.
Okayy...that moved fast. Its oddly nice on the part of this person but also somewhat horrifying. Once the ages fully come into play you realize the actual age of that first meeting which is horrifying and then the wish for kidnapping and that whole ordeal is all just screaming a lot of alarm bells here but this person then deciding to respect her ultimate wishes and let her return to the ones she actually loves seems like a gesture of perhaps genuine love almost there. It seems it wasn't simply selfish attraction so that's something.
Okayy...well, I mean for a chapter one, this one has pretty much an entire novel within it. Its almost a little too much exposition because now I can't really see where this story could continue to and I don't quite find myself itching to find out what happens next. That is a little bit of a problem and then the pure jealousy on display here and the general personality we know see of this person here isn't doing any favors for them cause I find myself liking this one less and less here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is an interesting combination to have for a first chapter, and I feel like its missing a little something to make you want to read chapter two. It also doesn't make us feel for this protagonist all that much so in general, I feel like this could do with a couple of tweaks here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi GuoPing!
Pink here
I'm going to review in four categories and no real nitpicks because I didn't really spot any that needed to be addressed.
Alright! :3
I liked the very first sentence, it reeled me in but following that you gave some description of a character which wasn't too appealing but still kept me interested. Now, maybe you could follow up on exactly how time could not heal his wounds and leave Nadia for the next paragraph or something.
Grammar/Punctuation
I didn't spot many errors but I did notice you went back and forth between tenses in a few sentences. So I would go back and address that, a simple reread could do the trick!
>Also, one more thing, I would add some more description to this piece. I like the way you word things, the way you write makes everything seem very peaceful and formal but I still found it lacking some description and imagery.
Plot
I found myself very engrossed into your story, honestly. I like the fairy tale and I like the characters too.
But, this is the first chapter and yet you seemed to told an entire story with it. Maybe either slow your pace and add some more depth to it.
Overall
I enjoyed reading this, really. You have a decent story line and the enchantment in here is very original and I tend to like these sorts of stories, so please, if you end up writing more of this, pm me. I'd love to read the next installment!
Keep at it!
~Pink
Hmm... I'm not sure how you plan on continuing this story, but I'm tempted to say that you should probably make this less of a summary and flesh it out for your actual story. This is interesting! And, let's face it, I'm a sucker for expanded fairy tales, which is essentially what this.
So, if this has to do with Nadia and how he wins her back or torments her new lover... you'll probably want to flesh this out into something less summary-ish. If this is about something completely different, you may consider deleting this part and just plunging into the story. If this is how he gets over Nadia and finds someone/something else, then keep this. But you're going to want to have the summary sparkle. Descriptions of Nadia would help in that area.
Hey
I quite liked this first chapter. It set the scene very well, and I'm interested in seeing how you pan out the story.
There were a few things I noticed:
This doesn't quite flow. Perhaps, "She was a beautiful creature and her name was Nadia."
I believe you mean "through". Watch out for simple homonym slips.
The last sentence is made weird because of the last word. You're saying that a singular boy was one children. Perhaps, "as she bore her first child. And wept when that family kept on increasing." Or something. I really can't think of a better way to write it. I understand what you were trying to say, but the way you've written it, is syntactically wrong.
This reads wrong. I can't place why, but maybe you should rearrange this sentence.
I didn't like the similarity of the names, Nadia and Nuada. If Nuada's a prince, where is his father/king? Looking forward to the next chapter.
- Jai