heres something i just threw together last night. its supposed to be three poems in one. the whole thing, the right side, and the left side. it can be read together or apart. and sorry about the big words, just simple ones didnt seem to fit right :]
Twisted skies, solace sun melting
Blisted burns, red skin welting
Aurulent eyes, utmost mauve vacate
Unreal turns, the corrupted placate
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Greyed! Interesting poem you have here...Basically, I'm going to give you three reviews in one post; one about each different way you can look at this poem.
Part One: All down the right side.
So, I like how you still managed to make it rhyme in this part. It's really neat, but it doesn't really make much sense. What is it supposed to mean? Does it go with the whole message of the overall poem? Here, it just looks like a bunch of fancy words that rhyme with no meaning. Try working with the poem more and make it mean something. Make it tell a story, why there are blisted burns and unreal turns? Turn the poem into something more.
Part Two: All down the left side.
I like it this way better than the right side. Here, it rhymes and it kinda makes sense! Like, the first two lines were about the heat and the hotness; the second were about....I'm not exactly sure. I don't know what the words mean, so that might be part of the problem.
but! Still try to add more to this. Give it more umph and stuffs. You can make this a lot better than what it is. Do it!
Part Three: All of it.
So, I like the overall poem better than when it's just the right side or the left side. It makes more sense as a poem. I liked the first two lines especially. About the heat and it's a good beginning. But then, the next two lines, make no sense to me. It might be the wording, but I just don't understand them or what they have to do with the first two lines.
Basically, what I'm saying for the whole poem is, keep on adding more. Expand it more. You can play around with it! Take your time and make it your best!
Feel free to PM or IM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Linx
Okay.
Well, This is really short, but I'll try to do what I can.
Blisted burns, red skin welting
Aurulent eyes, utmost mauve vacate
Unreal turns, the corrupted placate[/quote]
Everything is pretty much fine, but I am confused about your voice in this poem. What about the Twisted Sies, and The Sun Melting? Is their main character? What are you describing? You just need to be a little bit more specific about that.
I love the vidid imigarey you use in the poem and the adjactives. Maybe you could preface each adjactive and noun with 'In the the'. Your last line could be 'There Is A' and then whatever you want. I dunno. These are just a few suggestions. You just need to have something your describing in this poem, otherwise It would be too cofusing.
But Great Job. I really like the imagery, as I said before. Shoot a PM if you have any questions!