So here's a story I'm workig on. Just a rough sketch so far. Each chapter is going switch from the main guy to the main girls perspective! Rip it to shreds
Chapter One
Have you ever been caught staring at someone? Not just a casual ‘you were in my line of sight’ stare, but a full on ‘can’t get enough of you’ kinda stare. The first time I saw her it was one of those moments. Brown hair shimmering, bright blue eyes gleaming, I couldn’t take my own brown eyes off of her. She was beautiful. But that doesn’t seem to explain quite how she looks.
Kendal Hennings was beautiful. She had stereotypical long blonde hair. Her clothing, always right on trend, were top price. Her eye makeup never smudged. She was perfect.
This girl walking down the stairs at the head of the commons was not. Not even close. She had a dimple when she smiled to apologize for bumping into someone. Her hair was short and choppy, kinky in some places. She wore smudged on eyeliner and clothes that were straight out of a thrift store. I wanted to know her, studded beanie and all.
“Dude! Jarred!” My friends called at me from somewhere behind. I heard them, but I was struck by this exotic girl, standing out against the sea of blonde hair and floral dresses. In a brief second she turned her head. Her eyes locked on mine. I knew in the back of my head to look away, but her confused eyes stayed focused on mine until a hand on my shoulder spun me around.
“Hey! Earth to Jarred!” It was Dustin, my best friend. He talked to me for a while and I mumbled yes and no when he paused for an answer; though I’m sure he wasn’t listening to me either. As usual. He rambled on about how Mrs. Cultch’s shirt was totally see-through and you could see her bra, and even though she’s fat it was kinda hot. Or something like that.
“Hey, who’s the new girl?” I asked, interrupting him mid-sentence.
“What? Oh… Uh Sami or something. She’s from Egypt or something!” I paused my scan around the commons for a studded beanie to give him a skeptical look. “Ok, maybe it was like California or something, but still. Why?”
“I just… I saw her earlier and wanted to introduce myself.”
“Dude, why? She’s like… Goth or something. She’s wearing black.” The trend of the season had been ‘pink is the new black’. I don’t think I could find a single article of clothing that was black in the entire mall.
“She’s not Goth,” I snapped, biting my tongue quickly after.
“Whoa,” he put his hands up surrenderingly. “I didn’t know you were the new girl expert!”
“Whatever. Let’s just go to class.” I said, punching him in the arm.
Chapter Two
I descended the stairs slowly. I didn’t want to trip on my first day. That would be bad. Looking around, I quickly determined I didn’t fit in. Scratch that. I did more than not fit in; I straight up stood out like a sore thumb. My eyeliner was too thick, my hair on the wrong color spectrum, my clothing from the wrong era. I knew I looked cute, my outfit was stellar. But somehow the stares I felt on my back weren’t jealous ones. It’s hard enough to be the new girl.
The commons were like a scene out of a high school movie. There was a group of kids smacking gum and flicking things at each other, a group of kids on computers and gadgets, a group of kids sketching furiously on pads of paper, and of course the inevitable group of populars. Platinum blonde, pink, and iPhones. Jerseys, muscles, and tans.
This was going to be a long year.
Then something strange happened. I saw a kid staring at me… Full on gawking. I held his gaze for a full minute, too shocked to look away. He finally broke the strange staring contest when a kid grabbed his attention. Weird.
If my mom thought a change of scenery would be good for me, she should’ve sent me to a private school or France or something. This school was going to be exactly like my old school. I rubbed my arms as a walked to the counselor’s office. Not cutting ever was something I was proud of. Conquering my feelings and emotions before others could diagnose them was something I was proud of. James was something I was not. Older, hipster, completely not my type, he was the kind of guy your mother warns you about. We met at a lame summer camp that our parents sent us to for a summer. For him it was a summer fling, for me it was love. Passionate, crazy, first love. The kind that inevitably comes when you give up most of your virginity to a definite non-virgin.
Anyways, my mom noticed that I wasn’t fitting in at school and sent me here. Ridge Hill High, home of the Tigers. Nobody knew about James, and nobody probably ever would. I felt like I was living a lie.
Not that I had many people in my life to lie to.
End of chapter
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Hey GrenadeCatcher! (Wow it feels weird saying that.)
... seem to explain quite how she...
She had stereotypical long blonde hair.
... to me either. As usual. He rambled on...
Since you asked, I'll be happy to rip this piece to shreds.
Small nitpick:
Spoiler
That should be 'quite explain'. The quite is describing the explanation, no?
And in the next paragraph;
Spoiler
This should be 'She had the stereotypical long blonde hair.' Don't ask me why, I'm not that smart. Also, you should probably list those descriptions in that paragraph. It would only make sense since you're describing one person.
You have a quite a good sense of descriptions. You paint a very vivid image into my head when I read the next paragraph, so good job with that.
You should always separate dialogue from other paragraphs. Again, don't ask me why, I don't make the rules.
Here's another nitpick;
Spoiler
One of those periods needs to become a comma. I'll leave the choice up to you.
I was also really confused when I say this was two chapters. There's almost no way to discern the two. Maybe make the words 'Chapter #' stand out more? Well, that and the chapters are really short. Maybe these can be combined into one?
Now the second chapter is pretty solid, but I can already see where this going, and that's bad. It seems like a typical love story that you've heard hundreds of times, except with new names and faces.
Try to make your story stand out. Throw in a ghost, or a T-Rex. No one's gonna expect that, aye?
Other than that, your writing itself is great. It's the content you need to work on.
Otherwise, great job.
Hi there, Stella here!
This really confused me because I thought you were talking about the same girl, some rewording wouldn't go amiss.
My inner fashionista however is telling me that nothing is ever the new black. People will always wear black. There will always be black. It's hardly worth commenting.
Alright so, first things first, you should read this article by our very own Demeter about how to punctuate dialogue. I know it's a really hard concept to grasp, trust me I know, it took me forever. But once you learn it it's easy as pie, and it gives you a much more polished effect when it comes to your writing. Sadly, while punctuation is far from the most exciting parts of writing, it's important, it exists for a a reason.
I really like your voices here, and I love the idea of switching perspectives! My first big issue was with Sami's infodump in the second chapter. You see where she starts talking about James? That takes away all the mystery of her character. It's upsetting when Jarred wants to know everything about her and she's just laid bare her deepest secrets to us the readers. I think you should hang on to all that information. Let her retain an air of mystery. In her head she can allude to past events- maybe a mention of James's name, or her mother's opinions on a change of scenery, but don't tell us why. It would keep us hooked because we'd be going, "ooh, I wonder what's up with this girl." You see what I mean? You don't need to give us everything all at once!
Also, Dustin kind of annoyed me. I know he's meant to be goofy and silly and a bit of a bro but he really seemed like he didn't have any brains at all. I think that dialogue could use a little extra work to show us why he and Jarred are friends. It seems like you're trying to make it really superficial and stupid to compare it to Sami. And that's a good idea! But just be more subtle about it, it'll be a much better read that way.
But overall this was a lovely beginning, and good job!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey there! This is really interesting, I can't wait to read the next chapters. However, you lack some much-needed detail and I think you should try to develop your two main characters more. So far they seem to fit into the stereotypes of jock and quirky new girl- make them more unique. Nice job