“Shut up!” Thedi screamed at the small, quivering man on his knees before her. Her eyes danced with flames. She crouched down so she was at his level, her tight red dress scrunched up around her waist. She composed herself and brought her voice back to its seductive tone.
“I’m going to ask you one more time; where is she?” The man looked up, stared her in the eyes and spit blood off to the side, but did not speak this time. Thedi screamed and stomped her foot. The ground shook violently and the man had to put his hands on the floor to keep from falling. Wind screamed right along with her, coming from all directions. Her blonde, almost white hair flew up all around her. The man’s eyes were filled with fear. With a snap of her delicate fingers he was gone, disintegrated into nothingness. She adjusted her dress, smoothed her hair back down and walked off down the abandoned subway. The sound of her black pumps clicking on the cement echoed off the walls along with the sound of her crackling laugh.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this makes for a rather intense start to this here prologue, not every day that we've got a scenario like this going down, with the protagonist appearing to be in the middle of some kind of interrogation, and them doing the actual interrogating, quite often this is the other way around, so I love to see a change like this. It certainly manages to catch your attention as a reader here...and the little details about flame dancing in this person's eyes and the one being interrogated clearly being terrified of the person work very well here to paint quite a powerful picture and I'm loving it.
Well that scene was sever enough that I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps this prologue wasn't from the perspective of the protagonist after all. Its not everyday that one tends to run into protagonist that disintegrate people while searching for something. You can certainly pick up on a few things here...this Thedi person really wants to know the location of something, or should I say someone, and this man seems to be very determined to not let her have that..and she ends up very mad as a result...well it certainly makes for a pretty intriguing start there, there's a lot of questions that pop into your head as a reader. Overall, this is a pretty solid prologue that you've got right here, certainly interesting enough to make me want to read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I write all of my things on Microsoft Word first then copy and paste them here, which automatically gets rid of the spaces for some reason. I'll go through and push enter where necessary.
She happens to be the Devil... The Devil... The D...Thedi... Starting to see something yet?
Why not try putting space on your next chapters, but good start.
Hello GrenadeCatcher!
This was very action-packed for such a small excerpt. That's impressive. You asked us to tear this apart, so...here I go. Don't worry, I'm very nice.
I've quoted your passage, and now I'm going to go through and highlight (in green) some things that I think you could take another look at. Also, I wanted to show you how you can separate the dialogue from the descriptions to make reading much easier for your audience and also break up the blocks of text so that it flows better. It's something I had to learn when I first started posting on YWS.
I added two commas in there (in green as well) and you no doubt can see that I had some notes as to why I highlighted some of the things I did. Overall, I thought the prologue, while short, was very well put together. There weren't any spelling errors, and despite the nitpicks I did make, I thought it was a nice piece of work.
As to the plot, I can't really make any suggestions. We aren't given enough to go on to make those kind of judgments, but from what I read, I assumed Thedi was a demon, correct? If that's the case, I think you did a very fine job of characterizing her as someone unsavory. The red dress, flaming eyes, white hair, seductive voice, and last echoing laughter after she had "disintegrated" a man all add up to someone I wouldn't want to cross.
If you have any questions about my review, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my Wall. I'm always willing to talk about projects and I would be happy to review your next post.
Happy Writing!
Bailey