The flame in my hand flickers. Its very existence of my own doing. That’s what I love about fire. I am capable of creating it, and putting it out if I wish. I normally don’t though. If you think about it, there aren’t very many things that you can create all on your own in this world. I make my fire with a lighter. With a paper made from a machine. With wood cut from a tree made from nature. The flame was beginning to burn my thumb a little, where I held down the trigger that was keeping it alive. So quickly I could put it out. Kill it. Lift my thumb, relieve my pain, kill the fire.
I don’t. I turn the lighter slowly, and hold it close to my face so it becomes visible in the mirror. Thick, dark eye makeup. Long, white-blonde hair ratted into dreadlocks in some places with beads strung in. My shirts a little too low, baring a little too much of my chest. My skirts a little too short, showing off a little too much of my lean thigh. My tights have a little too many holes in them, exposing my rebellious teenage youth.
But I’m not a regular teenager am I? Of course not, the fire screams, now turning my thumb red. My eyes are Bambie-sized, wild and flickering with the flame. They are uncertain and confused. The flame is certain as day, and knows its purpose. Distruction. Heat. Pain. My thumb burns. The fire dares me to let go. Kill it, it doesn’t care. Just do it.
I don’t. The lighter might run out of fluid soon, it’s life put out by some higher force, but not me. I won’t kill it because the pain feels good and the fire gives me certainty. Everything must end. Why do I burn my finger? Why do I Cause this pain?
Because it feels so good when I stop.
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To me it seems as though some of the sentences hold a beat, much like a poem. To maintain this flowing movement for your story, words must be chosen carefully (VERY well done with that), and the words chosen must be placed in a specific order to trick the mind and make it seem the sentence is shorter even though it isn't. I loved how you ended the story with:
"Because it feels so good when I stop."
It brings upon the reader an explosion of feelings: relief, anxiety, even happiness. When I had first started to read this story, it seemed dull. I see now that this was your intention, to make the reader feel depressed as they read about the saddened state of the character you describe. Thanks for sharing! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Interesting. Very, very interesting--and grim, too, not only in style but also in subject matter. Overall, good! Just as Lucrezia aptly put it, though, "time for the nitpicks."
1. The sentence fragments make for a more disjointed feel, giving the story a great underlying mood--especially in paragraph #3 --so I'll push down the emerging Grammar Nazi in me and mention other things, instead.
2. Paragraph #3 : "Distruction." Did you mean "Destruction"?
3. Paragraph #4 : The word "it's" is an abbreviation of "it is." I do not believe an apostrophe is needed.
I am left thinking two thoughts. One, this is not a story I could write. I believe you have done an excellent job of encapsulating emotion, fascination, and even some form of primal desire in a few short sentences--something many writers (like me) find difficulty in stuffing into 500-page novels. And two, I hope you never stop writing!
~ Odysseus310 ~
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
This was a very strong piece. It was short, to the point, with a tinge of mystery to it… basically a very good story. I couldn't find any misspellings, so nice work on editing. The description of the character's clothes and hair was spot-on. Wouldn't change a thing.
Now, time for the nitpicks.
"But I’m not a regular teenager am I?"
There should be a comma after "teenager" and before "am I."
"Of course not, the fire screams, now turning my thumb red."
This didn't flow right for me. I think it would sound better if you put "of course not" in italics, or took out the "now." Or, you could change it to, "Of course not, the fire screams, as it turns my thumb red." Something like that.
"Why do I burn my finger? Why do I Cause this pain?"
"Cause" does not need to be capitalized.
Other than that, this was quite good. Nice job!
In agreement, I would like to add one more thing to help that sentence flow... You could say "Of course not, the fire screams, my thumb now turning red." OR "Of course, not, the fire screams, as my thumb begins to redden."