The motions of the past couple of hours seemed to go by so fast, but to me I was moving I'm a sloth like motion. What was going on? I feel the need to open my eyes, but darkness holds them shut. A flash of blinding red light blinks before my eyes. A light of anger, blinding me in everything I did. I look down at the rest of my body and see it was covered with blood. I shake as I look down at my shirt that is completely red, my arms and hands that are splattered with blood, down to the knees of my jeans, which are solid red as if I had been kneeling in blood. But whose blood? It’s not my blood, but I am going insane trying to figure out whose it was.
I turned my gaze away from myself, a couple of feet away laid a body of a girl. I stagger over and look down upon the body. It was my girlfriend of five years: Thalia Rosaline.
“No...No...No, I couldn’t have done this!” I wail into the air, as I start to cry. I reach a hand out to see if she had a pulse.
“WHAT HAVE I DONE!” I scream to God or any god that would listen.
I threw myself away from her and curl up into a tight ball of grief, madness, and insanity. I mean who would be sane enough to kill someone.
I guess I had fell asleep, because the next thing I remember is a series of shouts. Thalia’s body must have been found. Another louder shout called, I had been found. I braced myself to be taken by the arms, but it didn’t happen. I was taken by the arm and pulled into a sitting position.
I looked at the blurry shape of Sheriff Williams. My eyes saw that he was talking but my ears didn't comprehend the words.
“Son....Danny. What happened? Were you attacked? Did you attack something? Did you hurt Thalia?” was what he was saying but all I saw was the blurry movement of his mouth.
“I don’t know..I don’t remember anything. It’s too blurry right now,” I whisper suddenly feeling weak. I swayed, falling down upon my hands. Someone did something to me, I just don’t know what.
The Sheriff’s voice picked up as he called for medical help. He picked me up, even though I was wet and muddy and half-covered with blood. A paramedic rushed over to us and he took me from the sheriff. I was set on a stretcher and was checked over. The motions of those around me seems to go like a cop show played in slow motion.
They looked me over and the slurred, slow words trickled into my ear: “Drugged.”
What have I allowed to be done to me? What happened? I do not know, they let me go, as there was no proof that I did this, and I had been drugged for at least 3 hours, when Thalia had been dead for two hours. There was no way I could have done that.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hmm... PeanutPhoebe, here to give you a review! So I like this idea; you have a lot mystery and suspense. I also like how you draw us in with the very first sentence. It's cool that you give very little information of what actually happened so not be too detailed for one little story. You're first person view is very interesting, since that's not quite as common anymore. One thing tho, you sometimes switch from past to present tense between paragraphs and it's a little bit confusing. Other than that, it's great! Love how you ended without giving away a bunch, leaving readers wanting more, wondering what really happened. It also leaves a lot to our imaginations:) Great job, and keep writing!
edited a little bit for right now.
Timmy here to leave a review!!
So this was really good! I enjoyed this story. It was very emotional, very sad. That his friend died like that, when he had no way to stop it... The story ends with me still unsure if he killed her or not... But it seems as though it wasn't him...
So I will just point out a few nitpicks straight away!!
So that short part there is an example of something that happens throughout the story... You seem to go back and forth from past to present tense in your story, switching from seemed to seems all the time. It isn't a big deal, but you might want to look through your story, fixing those parts, and changing it to whichever you had intended it to be. Past or present.
So that sums up my nitpicks! There are a few little things here. Punctuation, tenses, blah blah blah, but they could all be fixed real easily! So this was great! I loved your style of writing, and I loved your subject. Great story!
~Timmyjake
Thank you. And I wrote this at different times so that will explain the changes in tense. I will be sure to work on that when I am feeling a 100% again.
tenses have been edited, but that's all I can do for now.
Great!!
Hi!
I like the general idea of the work, and it seems like a good start.
The first critique I'd like to make is the general past tense and present tense issue throughout the story. I'm assuming it should be in past tense because that is used more, but I couldn't help but notice instances where you used the present tense, like "I feel the need to open my eyes, but darkness is holding them shut.", or " I look down at the rest of my body and see it was covered with blood.". There are a few more I noticed, but I don't think you want to be bored with countless quotes of your own story.
The second thing I noticed was the first sentence holding another independent clause.
"but to me I was moving I'm a sloth like motion". I couldn't understand what you were trying to do here, and I also couldn't completely understand the metaphor. I suggest you just change the clause to "but to me I was moving as slow as a sloth", or something like that. This first error threw me off, and it was hard to understand the mindset of the character.
I also found the sloth metaphor used again in another paragraph. I'm not completely a fan of the sloth metaphor, but if you want to use it you can! Although, repeating the same metaphor kind of makes it boring for the reader, and doesn't create imagery like a proper metaphor should.
My final critique is the capitalization of the 'have' in the question "What Have I allowed to be done to me?" I'm sure it could have been a typo, but if not, I don't understand the reason for capitalization. The capital 'h' brings no emphasis to the question or the character's fears.
Other than that, I enjoyed reading it, and hope to see more from you soon. Keep writing!
if you found something with the chapter, it's been edited a little bit