They say that the United States of America,
is the home of the free and that we all live with equality.
We were founded on the principles of
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The founding fathers though..did they think of
everyone in the country when they made the Declaration?
What about the African Americans who were born in the country at that time?
The one’s who were only at the will of their Master?
They weren’t given these rights?
What about the people who weren’t even white?
They were in the same boat as the slaves.
The natural humans rights were not passed to them.
This continued for years after that till the time of President Lincoln.
He freed the slaves with his emancipation proclamation.
Freeing all slaves, but not guaranteeing their human rights.
Until the American government passed two amendments-
the fourteenth and fifteenth amendment,
the freed slaves lived almost in the exact way they had when they were enslaved.
Although after they were passed in the South,
they went and passed the Jim Crow Laws.
What happened to equality?
1920s, oh what a great decade for American women of all races.
They were finally an equal to men in ways.
They were granted women’s suffrage.
Why wait over a hundred years from the founding to grant a single right to women?
1960s, oh what a decade for human rights.
This was the decade of civil rights, lead by the famed- Martin Luther kIng Jr!
Oh what a man he was!
Even after he was gone, the movement stayed alive!
Every citizen of America now had the same rights as one another.
But now in the 2000s, is life really any different?
We all have the rights that we deserve but the country is messed up.
Elderly citizens go without the care they deserve, while in the jail system-
men and women who have been locked up get free healthcare!
People get welfare when they don’t serve it!
Shouldn’t it be that if they have enough money to
go out and buy alcohol or drugs, that they should have enough for food.
They get the welfare that people truly need and
they take the money away from the children who really need it.
Children walk through the streets hungry or homeless.
They can only rely on the charities given by schools,
because their families can not afford food for them.
A change that should come to make America better-
cut the pay of Congress while putting people into office who will make a change.
maybe the elderly will be given what they deserve!
The children may get the attention and the help that they need.
And just maybe the prisoners will get only the medical treatment that they need.
What makes Americans think that we are
a country of the free and a country of equality?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey!
So, let's start with the positives, shall we? I really like the concept here. I like that you wrote a poem on this subject, subtly incorporating facts along the way, instead of an essay. It was an interesting choice, and I think a pretty damn cool one.
That said, I have some issues with the execution.
First of all, I found parts of it to be boring. Some of it felt more like a history lesson than a poem. Other parts were just... well, cheesy, for lack of a better term. I'm not sure if it was the use of exclamation points where there should be periods or what. Sometimes, this piece came off more like a poem a teacher might write for her second-grade class to understand the meaning of equality than a legitimate poem. Which, needless to say, isn't a good thing.
There were some issues with punctuation, as well. Like:
Delete the comma after "America."
Should be three dots instead of two.
Remove the apostrophe from "ones."
This is what I meant about the exclamation points. All three of these lines end with them, and they just give this piece a kind of cheerful and enthusiastic tone that it shouldn't have.
Also, you capitalized the I in "King" rather than the K by mistake.
Furthermore, you start a lot of sentences with "oh." Like, "Oh, what a man he was!" or "Oh, what a great decade for American women." This sounds kind of cheesy, too. It's sort of annoying for the reader and made me roll my eyes once or twice. I think the poem would look much more serious without the "oh"s and exclamation points. I mean, "what a great decade for American women" sounds perfectly fine without that pesky "oh" in front of it.
This is confusing. Change it to:
Also:
"Messed up" doesn't really fit with the serious mood of this piece.
The ending of this poem went off into a bit of tangent about how "messed up" America is today. I like the points you made, but I'm not sure how well it fit with the rest of the poem. You should try to make your points a bit clearer perhaps, to show how the beginning of the poem—about the America of yesteryear and the racial/gender inequality—fits with the ending—about... welfare and healthcare?
The last half of the poem, quite honestly, seemed more like a personal rant than anything else.
You should also try to find the mood of this piece and stick with it. Parts of this seemed serious; others seemed kind of light, almost playful (due in part to those "oh"s and exclamation points).
Otherwise, I thought this was an okay piece. Go back and edit, and I'm sure it could be quite good.
Keep writing.
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It was in a part that says some people get welfare when they don't deserve it.
I support it, but only for the people who honestly need it, like your brother.