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Young Writers Society



Magic Survives- Chapter 3: Threats

by GreenTulip


It was late afternoon when a call for the team came in. Not the usual call for when we had a training session. It was similar, but just a tone of voice laced among the words. I sighed and went to round up the rest of the team, from wherever they went to.

In the pod area that we were assigned, there was only one person among all of the rooms. Her distinctive light red hair was the indicator of who it was.

“Daphne?” I asked, trying not to be too loud as to not startle her.

Her head popped up and turned to face her mentor. “Yeah, what’s up Mai?”

“The higher ups have called for us. Do you know where the others are?”

She shook her head, sadly. “Haven’t seen them since breakfast. Maybe they are actually working on stuff?”

“I’m not sure, but come on. We have to leave for the training room,” I responded. “We’ll see if we can find them on the way there.”

“Okay,” Daphne muttered, as she pushed herself off the couch.

I turned and started towards the door, simply because I needed out of the room that was overly dominated by males, even though the team was dominantly female. Jayden and his friend Bakeri, a researcher for the team, were disgusting pigs that created a terrible mess.

“We have to find Eilana and Jayden. Bakeri may have to be present so we should find him also,” I informed Daphne.

She nodded following me out of the our living quarters into the brisk noon air. Rotating my eyes to view the buildings again, I sighed. I shook my head and muttered under my breath cursing the existence of the other three.

“Check the dining hall for Lana and Den,” I ordered. “They are probably there since all they ever do is eat. I’m going to be checking the library for Ri.”

“Gotcha,” Daphne replied. “Meet up in the training room?”

I nodded as I started to walk away. “Make sure they come. No one will be happy if they don’t show up.”

****

Standing in the middle of the room, with my arms crossed, I was beyond upset. Bakeri was pacing the length of the room, careful not to step to close to me. Daphne had yet to wrangle the two pigs from their food. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent such a mellow person to go deal with them.

“Maivene!” my instructor’s voice called from above.

Looking up, I saw the four instructors standing in the viewing box. I swallowed my nerves down so I could answer.

“Yes, sir?” I asked, my voice shaky.

“Where are the others?” Ms. Tram asked. “You were paged an hour ago to be here at this time.”

“I do apologize ma’am,” I replied. “We have a bit of problem with two of them not wanting to come. Eilana and Jayden simply refuse to leave the dining hall, as they think they’d starve without it. Daphne is trying to get them here but without any results.”

“Maivene, we appointed you leader of this team because we thought you could handle it,” my instructor snapped. “You need to keep them in line or we are going to appoint someone else for the position. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,” I answered.

At the sound of the main door opening to the training room, I looked up. Daphne stood there with Eilana’s and Jayden’s collars in her fist.

“I finally got them because they got up to get more,” she said confidently.

“Thank you, Daphne,” I said. “Now that we are all here, why exactly were we called here for?”

Mr. Trollop, Daphne’s mentor, answered, “We are going to put you in a virtual reality version of a mission, so to see how well you can work together. Mr. Simili will be here to gather notes on teamwork and how you can improve individuality and as a team.”

“Okay, sir,” I answered.

Turning to face my team, my expression was stern yet eager. As my gaze came to Eilana and Jayden, I glared.

“Come here you two,” I said. “Bakeri, stay with Daphne.”

Lana and Jayden rolled their eyes but came up to me dragging their feet.

“What do you want?” Jayden asked.

“You are absolutely not going to mess up this training module, understand? You are going to run it as if it were real and your life was in danger. Your teammates are like family, you protect them as you’d protect them like you would your mother,” I sternly said.

“Fine, whatever,” they both said.

“Go get ready,” I snapped. “So I swear to God if you do ruin this, you are going to regret it.”


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1085 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:22 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this lovely review day, and I apologize in advance for not having read previous parts. I hope my review will be helpful regardless.

So this isn't bad at all! It's quite short, for a chapter, but that's okay because short chapters are easier to read on the Internet.

I liked your dialogue - I thought it was realistic and presented the characters well. It was clear just from a few lines what kind of people they were, which makes for a nice and efficient introduction.

I think the main point of critique I have is that this chapter is very bare in terms of setting and action. It's mostly just dialogue, which isn't in and of itself bad, but you have something I like to call "white room syndrome," which is where, for all I know, your characters are talking to each other in a white room. This happens when you lack setting description. So describe your setting! And not just all at once - intersperse it with the dialogue. For example, you could mention things the characters notice about the room while they're talking to the other person. Or you could have them sit down, or lean on a wooden table, or other, similar things.

Standing in the middle of the room, with my arms crossed, I was beyond upset. Bakeri was pacing the length of the room, careful not to step to close to me. Daphne had yet to wrangle the two pigs from their food. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent such a mellow person to go deal with them.

I wasn't really sure why this paragraph was centered - there didn't seem to be much reason for it.

Something I wonder, though, if the boys are "disgusting pigs," why are they on the team? They wouldn't put people who don't care or can't do anything on an important team. It didn't make much sense to me.

That's all I've got for you! Good luck with this, and keep writing!




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Sun May 01, 2016 7:28 pm
AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



Hey. AnarchyWolf here to review.

Firstly, what I liked and what you did well. The characters here are good. Daphne strikes me as fairly meek and yielding, whereas you main character, Maivene, is a lot sterner, pushier and angrier. And she's not fond of men. That makes for a good set of flaws and completely stops Maivene from becoming a Mary Sue.

While this chapter was fairly short, you did get the chapter 'transitions' fairly well, and you paced the work evenly. There's nothing worse than a disproportionate chapter, which is something you've avoided here.

Secondly, what you could work on.
"...team, from wherever they went to..."[b/]
The comma isn't necessary in this sentence.

[b]"...light red hair was the indicator of who it was..."

Nothing grammatically wrong, but it would sound better if it were phrased differently, like 'her distinctive light red hair was the tell-tale sign of who it was' or 'her distinctive light red hair gave away who it was'. Or something. But 'indicator' sounds kind of choppy.

"...shook her head, sadly..."
Show, don't tell. Show us that she was sad rather than telling us. Also, would sadness be the response to not being able to find your team? I'd have thought it would be something like concern or irritation.

[b]"...muttered, as she pushed..."

Comma not needed.

"... needed out of the room..."
Needed to be out of the room.

"...Rotating my eyes..."
Seen as 'rotate' means move or cause to move in a circle round an axis or centre, it's a very strange way for eyes to be moving in.

“You were paged an hour ago to be here at this time.”
Sounds a bit awkward. Try 'you were paged to be here an hour ago' or 'you were paged to be here at this time an hour ago'.

Those were just about the only mistakes I found. This was a fun and well-written read.

-AnarchyWolf





Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers