I should be drowning. The small voice in the back of my mind is telling me that I should be panicking, that I can’t breathe. I’m not panicking though. The pressure is oddly calming, and I am left by myself for once.
I turn my head, and floating orbs of lights are blinking in and out. The room I’ve been placed in, was filled with water. A smaller room that had a wall of glass on one side. The orbs of lights that kept going in and out of focus were those behind the glass.
I was being watched. It’s like when you are younger and you feel eyes on you, even if you can’t the person. I knew they had been there when this all started, but if they were still here that was the question I’ve been asking myself.
Letting my eyes fall shut, I slowly let the water drop from around me, forming a thick sheet of ice on the floor. Allowing my body to relax, I exhaled deeply, not realizing I had been holding my breath for so long.
“Good job, Maivene,” a man’s voice announced.
“Thank you,” I responded quietly.
Looking up I found the faces of four instructors. One of them was mine, the one who complemented my work today, and the other three were those of my teammates. The team in which we are called “Magicians” by people who don’t understand. I wonder why they were here today. Usually they only come if the others actually came to train.
“Maivene, we have a request to ask of you today,” said the only woman of the group.
“For what?” I asked.
“We’d like for you to train the other three today. They have yet been to individual training sessions like you have been. They also have yet to do any training of the sort,” she said, her words pronounced carefully.
“But am I one of the youngest, aren't I?” I asked, crossing my arms. “Why should I have to train the worthless people who hold the powers?”
“Because they may listen to you,” said one of the other men, this one distinctly different because of his silver hair.
“Listen to me? Granted I have younger siblings that may help, but what happens if they do listen?” I asked, scoffing at the notion.
“You become their leader,” my instructor explained. “Then you are in charge of them when you are out on missions or in this room. But do remember, we are still your superiors who will be watching you do this.”
“Yes, I understand,” I replied, my eyes cast down to the floor. “When will they come in?”
“The others should be here soon, Ms. Veche,” my instructor said. “We’ll be here watching while you work them today, but after this session we won’t be here anymore.”
I nodded, lifting my head. I felt like I had a lot of responsibilities but this would be my time to shine. I moved away from the spot I felt like I had been rooted too. I started to clean up the materials I had been using to prepare the room for the arrival of the others.
I hummed under my breath as I knelt down and placed my hand upon the ice sheet. The ice slowly started to melt, forming a puddles on the ground, which made its way to the now open drain in the middle of the room. I stood up as it continued to melt, and faced the door with my arms crossed, waiting.
The ticks and tocks of the large analog clock that was placed on the rear wall of the arena filled my ears, deafening me to any other noises. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to focus on those sounds. My heart beat, which was still beating too fast from anticipation, slowed down to a normal pace. I blinked open my eyes just in time to see three other teenagers walk into the room.
“It is about time you showed up,” I said, moving quickly over to them.
“Well, we got lost!” responded one of the girls in their group.
“Perhaps you should have asked for a map,” I answered. “I nor the instructors will put up with tardiness. It is unacceptable.”
Out of total disregard for manners, the blonde boy smirked and said, “And who are you anyways? You are just the same age as us.”
“So glad that you asked Blondo. I am Maivene Veche. I have been here for six months and have been training every day since I got here. I got assigned to kick your sorry butts into shape so you don’t killed your very first time on a mission,” I answer, pushing golden brown hair out of my face. “And what are your names?”
The blonde boy stared at me with disgust, spitting out, “Jayden.”
The two girls exchanged looks with each other.
“I’m Daphne and this is Elliana,” said the other girl, the softest spoken person I’d ever met.
I narrowed my eyes at the sight of the one who had spoken earlier. Now that I had time to focus on them, I noticed that this Elliana person has black hair that was streaked with a crazy amount of colors. Stupid girl, she’ll get us noticed when we go out into the “War Zone” as the Rebellion called it. The one who called herself Daphne had a more subdued color, perhaps her normal color.
“Well I have one thing to say…” I started to state, before the chatter broke it off. “Jayden. Elliana. If you two are going to talk you can go ahead and leave this session. I don’t do well with rudeness. So you have both not been on my good side. You have made bad impressions not only to me, but also to your instructors that have been watching since the moment you walked into this room.”
Jayden rolled his eyes and said, “Whatever girl. I don’t care. I wish I didn’t have these stupid powers anyway.”
“Now that you said that, I’m going to have you stay after. You get to have one on one time with me, till you can learn that your powers weren’t meant for you to begin with.”
“Whatever,” he responded.
“Daphne and Elliana, come back in about two hours. I will work with the two of you later. Just be on time and don’t get lost. The others won’t bite if you need to ask for help,” I instructed the girls.
“Okay,” they responded softly, seeing that I was probably at the end of my patience.
I turned my back to Jayden, and carefully walked a few feet away. As I walked, I allowed a water sphere to form in the palm of hand, rotating to keep its shape. Spinning myself 180 degrees I faced Jayden, and without warning launched it at him.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
Timmy hereeee
It's good to be back reviewing your book for you. c: I'm sorry it took so long, but you know... excuses and work.
I loved being able to see your writing in a personal way. In your previous writings, as they were prologues, all I saw was you writing from a distance - viewing the characters and story as something from a long ways away. This was entirely different from that. I felt pulled into your characters' stories, especially Maivene. Also, I loveeee her name. So pretty. <3
Your main issue in this piece is a simple contradiction you can work with in time, and editing. In the beginning, the readers are under the impression that your character is timid and not confident of her abilities both as a user of magic and as a teacher. Although, her confidence is at its least when it comes to her abilities as a teacher. She's worried how she'll do, and why she's doing this - how she's going to do it, etc.... Then what happens when her pupils actually do come in? She's a completely different person. I don't see a similarity between the two different sides of the story at all. It's important to maintain the "feeling" the reader gets from a character, and you lost it here. What do you need to do? - simple. Maintain your characters' thoughts and feelings throughout. Be consistent. While I did love this chapter, that is something you should work on as you go through the book - consistency.
Something you do quite often is redundancy. Try to avoid beginning sentences with I, or at least not one after another. It gives a choppy feeling to the piece, especially when I is used to begin more than one sentence in a row. Remember: different sentence openings break things up, and make the piece flow much better.
Watch out for misspellings! I noticed quite a few when reading through. I'd consider putting it into a spellchecker. Just a note~
She is the instructor! Don't forget that. c:
Also, that's something I noticed, or rather didn't notice, as I read through. Where are these instructors? They were in the beginning when they were talking to her and explaining her job, but weren't they supposed to hang around and watch how she did? Once the teenagers come in, they fade into the background and we don't even see them again. I understand if they don't say anything, buuuut if they're still in the room watching, you need to say that.
I'm really curious about this now, because while it doesn't make sense to me, I'm sure you'll explain how a power that's theirs isn't meant for them. c:
That ending! You're getting even better at finishing chapters than before. It's a cliffhanger of kinds, but while it doesn't suspend me on the edge of my seat, it does make me interested an eager for the next chapter. I loveee that. It's always exciting to be eagerly awaiting a next chapter, knowing an unfinished scene is going to be finished. Keep writing on, and keep getting better. I love this.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks Timmy! I'll go back through it another day, it isn't a day to be writing because I'm beyond upset. But alas Chapter 2 isn't even finished yet.
Hi GreenTulip, backroads here for a review!
This dialogue seems out of place. Everything else she says is very proper and articulte; to suddenly throw in some slang threw me off in my characterization of her. Personally, I would like to see more slang-terms and style added to the way she speaks, but whichever way you decide to go, make sure that her diction is consistant.This looks like a great start to an interesting story! The way you set up the chapter with Maivene really draws the reader in, and the rest of the chapter has a nice progression! There were only a few things I noticed:
Also, I would like to see some description of Maivene's physical traits somewhere in the first chapter. I'm one who always visualizes what I read, but right now I don't have a lot to go off of. One opportunity you have for description is while she's still in the water: you could describe her hair while it moves through the water, or how changes when it's wet or dry. Another way you could do it is to have Maivene compare herself to the new magicians as she sizes the up. Who is taller? Who is more muscular or prettier- how does her hairstyle compare to the others? I would really like to see some of this in your first chapter.
I wouldn't use rotating twice so close together. Plus it's a little awkward for some to say someone rotated instead of saying they turned around.
Aside from that, I would just read over what you've written again. A few sentences feel awkward and don't appear grammatically correct- like I'm pretty sure that a comma should follow 'degrees'- but unfortunately I suck at grammar and can't tell you how to fix most of that stuff.
But yeah, I'd love to continue reading this story! I'm interest to see where you take it.
Hope some of this was helpful!
-backroadstraveler