Young Writers Society

Top of the morning to you, NympheaLily here!

Ah, yes, back to the present! I had just finished reading your first chapter and now I'm super excited for what comes next. I can see the bit of family disagreement throughout the story with her mom and all. The time period in which this seems to have been set gives off the vibe that she is a young mother, maybe still in her teens or twenties and the fact that your protagonist is pregnant adds to the growing plot. Now, on to critique!

"“Oh, what did I do too you now?” I asked."

'Too' should be 'to'.

"“You will not talk to my wife like that!” Brandon exclaimed."

I feel like this scene went a tad too fast. Let the tension build up and try and include some forced pleasantries. It adds for a more dynamic story.

"“Go invite her in then,” I growled. “Do realize this though, I am only doing this for you. Not for myself and especially not for myself.”"

You said 'myself' twice here so I would add in some different word choice here.

Phew! That was a tough grind, but anyway, on to the good stuff!

I thought that this period in the story was very short lived but dynamic. At the beginning when you open with a simple "Wake up" was very nice. It wasn't too complicated nor very confusing. It gave you the impression of a sleepy morning on a weekend possibly with sunspots all over the room. Oh, now doesn't that sound nice!

When you get into the middle of the story, things start to get a little more serious. With her mother, it's obvious the two don't like each other as much anymore. Tragically, these types of things happen all the time in the real world and so it gives the sense that instead of viewing this protagonist as a type of mythical being, that she is a human and hurt by words.

At the end, a huge cliffhanger was present. GAH! I love using them in my writing but I HATE reading them! It gives a feeling the suspense and makes the reader want to keep reading. I really want to read this next part, so please if it isn't a burden, please tell me when the next chapter comes out! Keep up the hard work and as always, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily

Hey there Tulip! Let's dive right in.

I haven't read Chapter 1 yet, so apologies if anything I say is explained through reading it.

“Wake up,” a voice whispered into my ear.

“I’m sorry, love,” he apologized. “I did come up here to wake you up, only because you have a visitor.”

I tried to explain.

“I don’t care, Kili!” he snapped, his gaze dropping from mine. “Talk to her before she decided to barge into our home anyways.”

Then just feeling like I was losing the ability to maintain my control over the stupid powers didn’t help any.

Not for myself and especially not for myself.”

Hi Hikaru here with a review for you!

First off id like to say that even though i havent read the first few chapters of this wonderful story, it seems like an interesting read from what i read here.

Character wise your main character seems pretty alright, you showed her dislike for her mother and love for her fiance (almost) and you showed a bit of her struggle with being pregnant by describing her trying to get up, trying to sit down and even describing to us about the sudden wave of pain before going in labor though i dont people get a sudden wave of pain im pretty sure they pee out a wave of water on someone's new couch though.

The fiance was alright but we just saw the morning side and get the hell out of my house side of him which isnt as good as actually showing us how he really is and with that he just kinda seems like a basic husband. But with this you could go two ways the one way is that you can make him seem like the nervous sorta clumsy and worrisome fiance or you could go with the overprotective aggressive kind of fiance that is only aggressive to other people. Or you could have the fiance who always chill about everything. If you dont already have a personality for him.

Now the Mother, if you feel like you were trying to make her a total bitch then CONGRATULATIONS you have succeeded in taking your first step into writing a bitch like character that no one will ever love, unless you wanna be like Rebecca sugar and give them feeling then thats alright too. But to really get under the reader's skin write her as one of those incredibly snobby mothers who thinks she can do everyone's job better than they can.

Also i noficed a few grammer errors so ill just put them out there.

“Well, I don’t want to see here."
“Well, I don’t want to see her."

“Talk to her before she decided to barge into our home anyways.”
“Talk to her before she decides to barge into our home anyways.”