A/N: The italics at the end of the chapter are a flashback, so are placed in that font as to distinguish from her normal narritive.
Chapter 1:
For people that are my age, Avatar the Last Airbender was one of the most popular shows that Nickelodeon had to offer at the time. But considering what was on at the time, wasn’t hard to do. I mean for us back then, it wasn’t very often that we got to watch a “kid” playing the role of the hero and barely ever was it in a such a role that was to save the world. A thirteen year old kid destined to control all four elements and eventually save the world from the Fire Nation’s control. The ability that everyone wanted to have, just wishing it would be without the saving everyone part.
Just writing this on a personal whim, meaning I’m being made to, I can tell you that it is not fun at all. At the age of ten, I found out that I had an older brother who was sent away when I was born; I was told it was because I had a “talent” that could prove to be dangerous. Though I was confused on why they sent him away but allowed my baby sister and I to stay together. I never understood that and I doubt that I ever will.
I was fourteen when my “talent” became apparent. I found out that I has the ability to control all of the elements. I felt like I had just walked straight into the world of Avatar Aang and his companions. I was scared and very angry. This stupid thing is what took my brother away from me before we even knew each other, and why I was never allowed to be alone with my sister.
No one trusted me enough to keep my emotions in check. I know why that was now. If I wasn’t happy. My “semi-conscious” control was gone and whatever element was released from the break would be destructive. Everyone would hate to see the day that the walls that I so carefully placed would break because of my sister doing something to make me mad.
I have felt like my Mother hated me for always being the trouble child. I mean it wasn’t my fault that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time or that my friends were just bad people who always dragged me places with them. I think that the worse thing of it all was when I was sixteen, and was placed in police custody for three days for something I didn’t do and had no knowledge that it was going to be done. To explain this I think it will just be easier to take you back to that night.
**
‘Kili, come on, we’re going to be late,” someone yelled towards me.
‘Krystal, stop being so melodramatic. We still have time!’ I shouted back to the person I thought was supposed to be my best friend.
‘If you are just going to be a chicken about this Kili, you can just stay behind. The party life with complete strangers isn’t for everyone, you know?’ said another voice, as I climbed into the car.
‘Wouldn’t like to see that wouldn’t you Connor?’ I asked. ‘You just want to win your bet with Benny that I will just chicken out.’
The teenager in the driver’s seat scoffed, ‘I did not make a bet with him Ki!’
‘Well y’all are trying awfully hard for me to stay home instead of going out,’ I argued.
Shaking his head, Connor throw the car into drive and drove away from me house, my parents watching from the window, with Elissa standing between them. Sighing I let go of my worries for the night and let me self enjoy the freedom I would have while it lasted, which I never knew how long it would be.
I frowned as we drove into a clearly abandoned neighborhood. Thoughts were whirling through my mind, i was so confused but I forced myself to keep calm.
‘Kili, stay here. We are going to be right back,’ Conner said, looking me straight in my eyes.
‘Okay? What are we even doing here?’ I asked, crossing my arms.
‘Don’t worry about Ki,’ Benny said. ‘It’s nothing bad, I promise.’
I just waved them away to do whatever they had planned. Apparently it involved everyone but me, as Krystal was going as well. I decided to sit back and play on my phone.
Five minutes passed, ten minutes, and finally twenty minutes passed by. I was worried by then remembering that they shouldn’t have taken this long. It was then that I looked out the windshield and saw the first traces of smoke coming over the tops of the nearby rooftops. I swallowed, panicked. What had they done. With shaking hands, I dialed 911 talking with the operator till help arrived at the scene.
Immediately I was pulled from the car by a female officer, demanding me to put my hands behind my back. She was arresting me for what? Calling the police on a situation like this? While she handcuffed me she read me my rights.
‘Do you understand why we are taking you into custody Miss?’ the officer asked.
‘No ma’am,’ I answered, being careful. ‘I mean all I did was call to inform y’all of the fire. I never started it, I swear!’
‘It is oddly suspicious that these friends of yours disappeared when the fire started and that you are still here,’ the officer said. ‘And with those powers of yours it makes us wonder if you lost control and took it out on the buildings, meaning harm to your friends.’
‘Ma’am! I would never try to harm another person! I hate these powers and sometimes I wish I could just die to be rid of them,’ I snapped, bitterly. ‘To think that I would purposely use my powers against a human being in anyway is beyond me. You have known me since I got these powers have you not?’
‘That is not what matters here Ms. Johnstone!’ Officer McCaine snarled. ‘We are taking you into custody until we find out if this was your doing or if it was the actions of your missing friends. Do you understand?’
‘Yes, I understand,’ I defeatedly sighed.
I just couldn’t help thinking as they put me in the back of the police cruiser, what a cruel fate I had. Would I ever be destined to be happy, or would something always come up to ruin it all.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there, I saw your second chapter up and thought I'd jump over here first and review this!
The boring stuff first, Grammatical Etc. errors:
This sentence is quite confusing and I had to re-read it multiple times. I think that to fix this you should slip it into two sentences (its kinda long) Ex.
I think that the worst thing of all happened when I was sixteen. I was placed into police custody for three days and all for something I didn't do or even have any knowledge of.
This is also a little confusing although I get the idea, maybe just re-word it a little.
This is just a typo and should be my
another simple typo that should be my
The last thing I have to say is you have quite a few run-on sentences throughout your piece, but a simple read over should fix that. Just split them up a little more often.
Plot: I can't say much as this is only the beginning, but this story does seem quite interesting. We are introduced to the main characters feelings towards her powers and its backed up really well.
Descriptions: This is where I have to say to kind of lack. Unless I missed it there really was no description of the main character, the characters around her or even much of the setting. This kinda leaves me, the reader, without much of an image for anything.
I loved the opening and the way you are connecting the modern world to your story. I hope that this is of help to you and I'm really interested in your story so you can count on me to continue reviewing.
Sláinte -Junel
Top of the morning to you, NympheaLily here!

When I saw the word 'Avatar' I was instantly encased in your story. Anything that has to do with magic and such is right up my ally. So I kept reading and discovered that this story has a whole lot of potential to be a great novel. There were a few errors but that is beside the point, for this is a wonderful introduction to the events ahead.
I'm gong to start off with what to change really fast so we can get on to the good stuff!
"Shaking his head, Connor throw the car into drive and drove away from me house, my parents watching from the window, with Elissa standing between them."
I believe 'throw' should be 'threw'
"Just writing this on a personal whim, meaning I’m being made to, I can tell you that it is not fun at all. "
This part doesn't make a lot of sense because of the wording, so I would rewrite it so it could be a little clearer.
"At the age of ten, I found out that I had an older brother who was sent away when I was born; I was told it was because I had a “talent” that could prove to be dangerous."
I would split this into two sentences and replace the semicolon with a period.
Just keep in mind that all of these errors are simply suggestions and h=you do not have to change anything if you as the writer does not want to. Now onto the good stuff!
"The ability that everyone wanted to have, just wishing it would be without the saving everyone part."
This describes my life. I mean, who wouldn't want the powers? (Oh yeah, forgot who the protagonist was in this story
I don't have any other good quotes to describe what else was good, for the awesome wording and complex writing was all over this chapter. I loved the way you incorporated the fantasy world with the modern world without it being awkward and secretive. The officer knew of this girl's powers so that means that a lot of people must've known. And her parents are kind of the cliche parents with trying to isolate her but they didn't make her try to hide it (from what I'm seeing). No matter, this story is on it's way to being a fantastic novel and keep up the good work! And as always, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
Hey, GreenTulip! Lupa here for a review!
Let's jump right in...
1) Sometimes, your sentences weren't the clearest. I had to read some of them twice to understand them fully. Your wording on different sentences (for example, "The ability that everyone wanted to have, just wishing it would be without the saving everyone part.") made the ideas you were trying to convey difficult to comprehend.
2) I feel like everything happened pretty quickly. Officer McCaine assumed quite a lot about what Kili did. I got the feeling that you made the policewoman mad in order to rush the scene along. If that's not what you intended, I suggest elaborating on smaller details and trying to improve Officer McCaine's personality.
Overall, I couldn't find very many things to critique because you did so good with your idea. Your main character's powers are interesting, and I want to see how her whole situation turns out. Keep writing on YWS!
XOX,
Lupa22
Hello there. I hope to give a fair review.
What I liked— First of all the lines —
'The ability that everyone wanted to have, just wishing it would be without the saving everyone part.'
'Everyone would hate to see the day that the walls that I so carefully placed would break because of my sister doing something to make me mad.'
Things which can be improved— First grammatical mistakes— 'For people that are my age,' It is a weird line. But I might be wrong. 'But considering what was on at the time, wasn’t hard to do.' It doesn't fit with previous or next line. 'ever was it in a such a role that was to save the world.' The use of 'a' before 'such' is incorrect. It could have been better phrased like this —
'ever was it in such a role of saving the world.' About this line— 'my baby sister and I to stay together.' 'I' should be replaced with 'me'. There are also some other grammatical mistakes related to tenses. You should read it once and you will get them yourself. Or you should have a beta reader. It may help.
Conclusion— I can't say anything regarding the story. It would be early to do so. As flashback is going on and it's just the first chapter I can't say anything much about the style of your writing. One more chapter may help me. Keep writing. You will keep getting better. Good luck!!!!
Thank you for the review! Sorry for some of the mistakes, I am writing this at work and I am practically asleep sitting at my desk in-between patrols. If you'd like you could beta read my story as it is written before I post it to help me catch any mistakes that I might have missed.
Thanks <3
~Tulip~
I would try my best at it. Though I am not that good. I can try though.
It's all up to you. I tend to be a slow writer, since I really only write when I'm in the mood but I also change up everything I had already written as well. This chapter was not originally written like this on paper!
I can understand. Good luck for the next chapters.