z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Earth's Child- Chapter 2 *Edited*

by GreenTulip


Warm air brushed across my face; contrasting with the fact that I was cold. Fingers trailed their way up my arm, causing even more goosebumps to appear on my arms. As I heard someone breathe deeply, a puff of air entered my ear.

“Wake up,” a voice whispered into my ear.

“Five more minutes,” I groaned, pushing my face further into my pillow, blocking out the obnoxious sunlight.

“You told me that five minutes ago, love.”

Groaning, I opened my eyes just to be looking into the brown ones that belonged to my fiance. I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the heavy feeling out of my eyelids.

“Well sorry, I’m tired, deary,” I snapped. “You aren’t the one who’s pregnant you know?”

“I’m sorry, love,” he apologized. “I did come up here to wake you up, only because you have a visitor.”

“Who is it?”

“She said she was your mother.”

“Well, I don’t want to see here. And besides, when I first started dating you after that incident with the cops, she made it perfectly clear she didn’t want to see me nor have anything else to do with me,” I explained.

Watching as his brown eyes darken, I winced. Brandon was upset, and I was to blame this time. He barely ever got angry at me and I hated when he did. If he got mad at me I would get mad because of it all. Pregnancy hormones I swear, make me cry especially when I’m angry.

“I don’t care, Kili!” he snapped, his gaze dropping from mine. “Talk to her before she decided to barge into our home anyways.”

“She’d do it anyway. I wouldn’t have to tell her no, Brandon,” I sighed. “You know that. I’m sorry if what I said upset you deary, I didn’t mean to.”

Kissing me softly on the forehead, he replied, “No I’m sorry that I lost my temper. I know all of this is hard for you to handle.”

He held out a hand to help me out of bed. I was so close to my due date that it was hard to get out of bed. Then just feeling like I was losing the ability to maintain my control over the stupid powers didn’t help any. I was terrified of what would happen- would this child end up being the death of me, one way or another? If I were to lose my control long enough, the whiplash of the powers leaving me would kill me not counting anyone with a few miles radius.

“Go invite her in then,” I growled. “Do realize this though, I am only doing this for you. Not for her sakes and especially not for myself.”

“Darling, you need to calm down,” Brandon said, holding me in his arms. “ Remember, the doctor said it wasn’t good for you or the baby to be upset. Do you want help getting dressed?”

Nodding, I gave him a stiff smile; old habits die hard, my attitude being one. “I’ll be fine. You already laid out my clothes for me,” I replied.

“Okay sweetheart,” he smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you too deary,” I said as I pulled his head down towards me to get a kiss.

Lips locking together, I felt myself melt into his arms a little bit. His touch plus the passion of our kisses always made me relax quickly. I smiled as my head rested on his shoulder, his fingers rubbing circles on my back.

He left our room to let me get dressed and to go downstairs to let the monster, who is called my mother, into our home. I shook my head unwilling to deal with her as the last time I dealt with her was not good. That was four years ago, she had never made a move to come and attempt to make things better with Brandon or I. I wished I could just hide out in my room like I used to as a kid.

After taking as long as I could to get dressed, I slowly went downstairs. Seeing Brandon there made me smile, but then I lost it when I saw her.

“Mother.”

“Kili Amelia Lillian Johnstone,” she said, anger in her voice.

“Oh, what did I do too you now?” I asked.

“You went four years without talking to me,” she stated. “You are going and marrying him. You end up pregnant and did you go and tell anyone, no. You are nothing but a stubborn little bi-”

“Hey,” Brandon broke in. “We don’t say language like that in this house.”

Nodding, I sat down on the bench we had in our entryway.

“You are a visitor in our home, Mother,” I said. “You need to act that way.”

She rolled her eyes as if I was asking her to go save the world. So dramatic, jeez. Why does my mother always feel like she can just waltz into somewhere like she owns the place?

“I am your mother, not a visitor,” Mother spat. “I deserve to be treated better than this.”

“No,” I whispered. “You think that you are entitled, but look where you are at right now. Begging for your daughter to not treat you like a visitor. You want my home to be like yours where I bowed down to you.”

“That’s right,” Mother said proudly. “You were always my favorite little servant. You didn’t deserve anything better.”

“You will not talk to my wife like that!” Brandon exclaimed.

“And who are you to tell me what to do?” she spat back at him.

“This is my house,” he responded. “Kili never deserved how you treated her. She was a teenager with her powers. She was terrified! I suppose that you never did care.”

“You are right,” Mother said. “I should have got rid of her when she was born and kept her brother, who was normal. Should have had two normal children. She was nothing to me, just a way to look decent in the community. I never loved her.”

“Get out and don’t come back if you can’t be civil. You won’t be part of our child’s life as you’d try to poison them with your ideas.”

“But. But.” she sputtered, clearly thrown off.

“Leave, Mommy dearest,” I sweetly said. “Shouldn’t work yourself up.”

Clearly angered, she turned and stomped away. Yelling as she went, “You can die for all I care. You are freakin’ disowned now!”

Tears welling up in my eyes, I looked at Brandon for support. He came and lead me into the living room and set me down on the couch.

“I’ll be right back baby,” he said. “I’m going to make sure she actually left.”

Nodding, I closed my eyes as I set my head against the back of the couch. Breathing deeply I felt like I was suddenly peeing my pants, all over the brand new couch. My eyes shot open; the doctors had warned this would happen soon.

“Brandon!” I shouted.

“Baby?” he said, running into the room. He slid on the tile floor and lost his balance trying to get to me. He broke his fall with our chair, and smiled sheepishly.

“I think that I’m going into labor,” I whispered. “My water just broke.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
151 Reviews


Points: 3592
Reviews: 151

Donate
Thu Feb 09, 2017 12:25 am
Junel wrote a review...



Hey, again I'm loving the story!!

The boring stuff, Grammatical Etc. errors:

causing even more goosebumps to appear on my arms.

You don't need this as you've already specified that it's her arm she's talking about.
As I heard someone

This can be deleted and it will make the sentence run smoother.
I did come up here to wake you up, only because you have a visitor.”

I would re-word this to something like:
I'm only waking you because you have a visitor.
The will make it run smoother and be more natural like speech.
And besides, when I first started dating you after that incident with the cops, she made it perfectly clear she didn’t want to see me nor have anything else to do with me,

First of all, this is a bit of a run-on and second, it's likely she wouldn't rush straight into her explanation, maybe have her take note of her fiance silence/questioning mind or something. The way it's written right now makes it seem more like your using it to explain the fact that time has passed (which I think the reader already understands. Try something like:
"Besides, she made it pretty clear she didn't want to have anything to do with me after the incident."

Plot: The story has become very intriguing. I'm kinda curious as to why the mother visited, she didn't really have much of a purpose that she tells and this makes me suspicious of her. The only explanation she gives it that she mad her daughter hasn't talked to her, but all evidence supports the fact that she hates her daughter so why is she mad? This is really curious and I hope you expand on it.
The one thing I'm really confused on though is overall is this a memory? because at the beginning of the previous chapter you had her speaking to the reader personally basically and in present tense before she remembered the incident with the cops. But here we get no explanation beforehand so at first I assumed it was the present, but it's written in past tense so I'm slightly confused.
Descriptions: Work on this and add more I got a little bit of basic setting with furniture, but only when they are interacting with it closely. We also got the finance's eye color, but what about hair, build etc. same goes for the mother I need an image.

Other than these few things that you should probably clarify and touch up on this is really great. It is pulling me in and I'm enjoying reading it a lot. I hope my review has helped you and please notify me if you put out any new chapters as I would love to continue reading and reviewing.
Sláinte -Junel




User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 1872
Reviews: 39

Donate
Wed Feb 08, 2017 1:54 am
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Hello! Squirtlepowiee here for another review!

“Warm air brushed across my face; contrasting with the fact that I was cold.” I would not use the ; here. You can just put a comma. Also, when writing a story, refrain from using the phrase, “the fact that”. You can add a lot more that just that. An example, “Warm air brushed my face, a gentle but strange touch, for I felt oddly cold.”

“And besides, when I first started dating you after that incident with the cops, she made it perfectly clear she didn’t want to see me nor have anything else to do with me.” The word “nor” probably isn’t the best choice here. In this case, or should be fine.

“I was terrified of what would happen- would this child end up being the death of me, one way or another?” Rephrase to, “I was terrified of what would happen- would this child be the cause of my death, one way or another?” It is much simpler to read. Also, I don’t get the part where you said “one way or another”. If she were to die from childbirth, she would die from childbirth, not anything else. I would take out that part.

“If I were to lose my control long enough, the whiplash of the powers leaving me would kill me not counting anyone with a few miles radius.” Rephrase to, “If I were to lose my control long enough, the whiplash of the powers leaving me would kill me and anyone within a few miles radius.”

“Do realize this though, I am only doing this for you. Not for her sakes and especially not for myself.” Sakes should be sake.

“His touch plus the passion of our kisses always made me relax quickly.” Change plus to and. Try to avoid writing in “slang” when you’re writing a story. Use “formal-er” language.

“She rolled her eyes as if I was asking her to go save the world.” Cross out “ as if I was asking her to go save the world”. This is not a very good analogy. If you want to keep it, try saying instead, “ as if I was a child whining about not getting what I wanted for Christmas.”

Overall, good plot. I didn’t really get why the mom came if she was just going to throw some weak insults at her daughter. Her not have seen her daughter in years and when she does, she throws some not so well made insults for 2 minutes and leaves. Yea. I would stroy and take out the “not-so-formal-or-uncommonly-used-words”. Keep writing!


~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D





Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt