This is a science fantasy story. I still haven't worked out the details of the socio-economic infrastructure and stuff like that, and it's meant mainly to serve as an expository of the setting and central characters..
Chapter One:
Homecoming
Time is inconsistent for me whenever I travel, so I cannot mark these Chronicle with dates. My companions and I have traveled the world, traveled the stars, and have now finally breached the wall of Time itself. Only by recording our deeds can I preserve our memory in the events of the Cosmic Dawn.
Mine was an atypical
life from the get go, and I was usually away from friends and family
since an early age. At the twelve, I ran to join a troupe of street
circus performers. My parents thought this was a bad idea, but I
desisted and joined anyhow. My brother Desmond was of a wandering
disposition as well, although we seldom met in person, even then. For
whatever reason, fate or chance, we ended up in careers involving
espionage, stealth, and thievery.
I had several childhood friends, but at the age of seventeen many of use went our separate ways. We had, however, resolved to see one another sometime again, but that would not be until many years later.
Many changes happened to me those eight years after I graduated as a Journeyman from my Thieves' Guild, up until the day I attained my master's certificate at the age of twenty-five, and established a Guild of mine own. Till then I'd been mostly an acrobat, travelling the Western Mainland of the planet Syte, the super-continent known as Daemonland. Restangil, the World River, divided the Western and Eastern hemispheres respectively.
My mentor, Dyne Firesong, taught me incrementally in the arts of astramancy to hone alongside with my stealth and dexterity. The arts of spell, or magicka—astramancy as it was called by initiates—came to me easily enough, especially for one of my race, being Catfolk. Nonetheless I never took a liking to raw spells, but instead preferred the practice of employing talismans and lodestones to work my magic; rather than the meddlesome practice of memorizing from spells books and scrolls.
I have gray fur and silver hair, shoulder length. My eyes are almond shaped and hazel green. My face is heartshaped and I have broad shoulders and an athletic physique. My ears are those of a cat, perky; and I have a fluffy gray striped tail, like that of a snow leopard. My race, the Catfolk—although the more human-esque variant of us sometimes go by the names of neko, or nekojin-- are very influential in interstellar affairs, but we suffer much stigma and prejudice here on my homeworld, the planet Syte.
It was the five hundredth and fiftieth year of the fourth era of the planet Syte when I graduated from my Thieves' Guild and became a wandering journeyman, and it would be the five hundredth and fifty-eighth year when I started my own guild. In those eight years, I'd done many things, including the joining of a mercenary platoon as light infantry. My friends and I had agreed on a homecoming at the town of Brier Rose Reach, which was in the province of Sol, a rather seasonally hot region.
Getting involved in dishonest work has its tail end of bad, unlucky karma. You know you deserve it in the end, and the short end gains you make are delivered with negative repercussions too. Money gets to people, and it's the devil's domain.
I got tired of all the subterfuge. It was odd how different I was from my brother Desmond. Desmond didn't mind the stealing but hated the killing that went with fighting in war. I, on the other hand, found myself more comfortable with the mercenary life than the life of a freelance thief. In battle I would wear light armor and wield complex weapons, like the greatsword and the katana and partisan and halberd. I became somewhat of a weapon's master in my adventuring.
My younger brother and I
would travel in carnival troupes occasionally, and I usually let him
do most of the stealing, as it required a lot of patience, the likes
of which I only moderately took to well. Sometimes I would dig my
nose into grimories and enhance my knowledge of astramancy during the
duration when we rode in the carriage. My weapon of choice was the
Rifting staff, even in my early days as an adventurer. My younger
brother Desmond preferred a pair of daggers.
I was returning to Brier
Rose Reach from a month of mercenary life, and a whole list of job
acquisitions from various client from all over Daemonland. The
letters I carried to my temporary home at Brier Rose Reach described
quantities of disasters that needed fixing, and I had made a name of
myself on the battlefield and with the Fighter's Guild, which I began
spending more time with than the Thieves Guild, despite stealth being
my initial profession.
Life in the Fighter's Guild was more to
my liking, and I dwelled in it deeply from ages twenty to twenty-two,
before switching over a year to the Mage's Guild and some national
Knightly Orders. By age twenty four I had the aspiration of starting
a guild of my own, and within six months I did just that; we called
it the Ninja's guild, or the Shadowknife's guild. This was the guild
I became headmaster of in the first month of my twenty-fifth year.
By that time I had also secured a position with the Amagiri, the elite combat military branch assigned directly to the World State, and authorized with the hunting of unusual monsters. Although I'd but spent a season's time in the Amagiri, I took the duty very seriously.
Indeed one of the letters ascribed to me was from my Instructor at the 73rd branch of the Amagiri from which I worked in. This was at the forefront of my attention as I rode home.
Around the same time, Desmond and I left the Thieve's guild of our vicinity to go freelance. One of the requests I had was from a mage who wanted me to procure a very arcane artifact from the ghost town Nicklebridge, but I'd get to that later. My first loyalty was to the Amagiri. The petty squablings of the Thieve's Guild had grated on me, and so I had since my early twenties had turned my attention to more military branches.
One of my closest friends in the Amagiri was a gladiator named Faulke Marshal. We'd grown up together to some extent, both loosely following different paths and yet keeping in touch. He was not with me on this specific task, although I had teamed with him on more than one occasion.
It was the five hundredth and fiftieth year of the fourth era of the planet Syte when I graduated from my Thieves' Guild and became a wandering journeyman, and it would be the five hundredth and fifty-eighth year when I started my own guild. In those eight years, I'd done many things, including the joining of a mercenary platoon as light infantry. My friends and I had agreed on a homecoming at the town of Brier Rose Reach, which was in the province of Sol, a rather seasonally hot region.
Getting involved in dishonest work has its tail end of bad, unlucky karma. You know you deserve it in the end, and the short end gains you make are delivered with negative repercussions too. Money gets to people, and it's the devil's domain.
I got tired of all the subterfuge. It was odd how different I was from my brother Desmond. Desmond didn't mind the stealing but hated the killing that went with fighting in war. I, on the other hand, found myself more comfortable with the mercenary life than the life of a freelance thief. In battle I would wear light armor and wield complex weapons, like the greatsword and the katana and partisan and halberd. I became somewhat of a weapon's master in my adventuring.
My younger brother and I would travel in carnival troupes occasionally, and I usually let him do most of the stealing, as it required a lot of patience, the likes of which I only moderately took to well. Sometimes I would dig my nose into grimories and enhance my knowledge of astramancy during the duration when we rode in the carriage. My weapon of choice was the Rifting staff, even in my early days as an adventurer. My younger brother Desmond preferred a pair of daggers.
I was returning to Brier
Rose Reach from a month of mercenary life, and a whole list of job
acquisitions from various client from all over Daemonland. The
letters I carried to my temporary home at Brier Rose Reach described
quantities of disasters that needed fixing, and I had made a name of
myself on the battlefield and with the Fighter's Guild, which I began
spending more time with than the Thieves Guild, despite stealth being
my initial profession.
Life in the Fighter's Guild was more to
my liking, and I dwelled in it deeply from ages twenty to twenty-two,
before switching over a year to the Mage's Guild and some national
Knightly Orders. By age twenty four I had the aspiration of starting
a guild of my own, and within six months I did just that; we called
it the Ninja's guild, or the Shadowknife's guild. This was the guild
I became headmaster of in the first month of my twenty-fifth year.
By that time I had also secured a position with the Amagiri, the elite combat military branch assigned directly to the World State, and authorized with the hunting of unusual monsters. Although I'd but spent a season's time in the Amagiri, I took the duty very seriously.
Indeed one of the letters ascribed to me was from my Instructor at the 73rd branch of the Amagiri from which I worked in. This was at the forefront of my attention as I rode home.
Around the same time, Desmond and I left the Thieve's guild of our vicinity to go freelance. One of the requests I had was from a mage who wanted me to procure a very arcane artifact from the ghost town Nicklebridge, but I'd get to that later. My first loyalty was to the Amagiri. The petty squablings of the Thieve's Guild had grated on me, and so I had since my early twenties had turned my attention to more military branches.
One of my closest friends in the Amagiri was a gladiator named Faulke Marshal. We'd grown up together to some extent, both loosely following different paths and yet keeping in touch. He was not with me on this specific task, although I had teamed with him on more than one occasion
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey there GrayLynx,
Long intros bore me, so let's jump straight into some suggestions and comments! Don't be discouraged, however, this is a wonderful story. So here I go again:
1)
I think it would be better to say 'At the age of twelve'
2) This needs more explanation. Why doesn't he see Desmond at home?
3) I would move this to the first paragraph, then take this out. That way you keep his job description in one section
4) This entire paragraph doesn't really fit. I would move it up towards the beginning and introduce it by saying, 'I never really fit in with the others, mainly because I was so different than them. I have gray fur. . . '
5) You don't need the adjective 'unlucky' here. Bad sums it up just fine.
6) I don't understand all this compare/contrast with Desmond. You should focus on the MC describing himself. Desmond is a secondary character, so don't spend so much time describing him.
7) If he enjoys life in the Fighter's Guild so much, why does he switch?
9) You repeated the beginning of the story at the end for no apparent reason. I assume that is a mistake, but you would still want to make sure to take that out.
OVERALL:
This is by far the longest review I've ever done, but that's because I love this idea and I want to work with you on advancing it and improving it. You had a lot of background here, and a lot of paragraphs were somewhat arbitrarily arranged. I would change it to chronological order so that you're describing his past. There's also a whole lot of unnecessary details which can get boring to the reader. However, this is one of the most creative ideas I've come across, and your execution is good, although it could use improvement. Keep writing, and I look forward to reading future works!
Best wishes,
MJ
I'll see what I can do.
There's a few errors here and there in terms of spelling or use of words. Here's some example but I guess you can easily find it if you go through your manuscript.
"I had several childhood friends, but at the age of seventeen many of *us* went our separate ways"
"My parents thought this was a bad idea, but I desisted and joined anyhow." -I don't think desisted is a good choice of word, objected would be okay, but anyhow it's up to you.
"Many changes happened to me those eight years after I graduated as a Journeyman from my Thieves' Guild, up until the day I attained my master's certificate at the age of twenty-five, and established a Guild of *my* own"
IMO, your chapter one is full of background dumping, which is not always so interesting to read. However, if you were aiming to use this as a reference, then the details would be good, but never should you put this (every information in one go) as your chapter 1. Start with a scene, or a particular event, and the main character's background can be filled in between the events, slowly. The readers don't have enough affection for the main character in the first chapter to even care what they were before the timeline of the novel. Of course, there were a few exceptions of authors who did just that- like Tolkien on Silmarillion's- but who are we to doubt a great author. So, in my opinion, if you ever think to use this as the first chapter, then I would beg you to reconsider. It can be used as your reference throughout the whole novel, but never use it like this. All in all, keep writing! Practice makes perfect