Published August 18, 2015
Chapter 1: The Crescentheim Assault
There was I, the acrobat, and there was Timeaus, Crito, and Delaigo. We sat at the corner room of the large tavern, my hands full of playing cards and my fingers curled around a brimming drink. I always liked to keep myself occuped while out on excusrions such as the one we were currently involved in.
The Alexandra brothers, Timeaus and Crito, could not get along. This was nothing new. While both mages, they had pursued very differnt paths. Crito was two years older than his younger sibling Timeaus. And my childhood friend Delaigo, the human with dark purple hair, was talking to the bar patron over an investigative matter.
It was a fine island, Saeleon was. Situated off the South coast of the summery providence Croil, the Saeleonites were an ostentatiously friendly, but proud people. Delaigo's family was from Saeleon, and I imagined this excursion felt more meaningful to him than me.Growing tired of the ethical bantering of the two Changeling brothers,
I stepped away from our modestly sized table to see what my old friend was up to.A thick aroma of smoke shielded the ceiling of the main room, a large first story place. The aroma of which was caused by the heat of heavy roasted steaks and ridiculously spicy ale. It all meshed with the roar of the huge fireplace. I tapped the purple haired Samurai on the soldier.He swung around, albiet a bit too sharply than the situation merited.
"What's up, Kytaari?" the samurai asked.Standing at 6'1, he has much taller than me, though size never intimidated me. I was 5'7, and my shortness proved a very valuable asset in my profession.I pointed at our table nonchalantly, and my Samurai friend rolled his eyes toward the Alexandra brothers arguing rapidly. His mannerisms had always been pecuiliarly quick.
"I've had enough of them," I said. "I'm stepping outside." With that off my chest, I swished my olive skinned tail with its large tuft of red hair at the end, and sauntered out the door.My medium length bright red hair sank to my broad, round shoulders as I sat against the red stonned wall.
Aside from me there stood a signpost. "The Silver Phoneix Tavern," the sign read. And adjacent to the cursive lettering was etched a simplified caricature of a large winged bird. My mind retraced the haphazardly painful chain of events which had insofar concluded our being present here on the East Rim of the Island, as the Saeleonites named their regions.I gazed up in the stark blue night sky. The moons Ember and Frost were vividly abreast. Ember was gibbous, vibrant red with black craters; and the smaller Frost was crescent. The craters of the pale blue moon were hardly noticable.I stretched out my arms and lay back against the hard brick wall, although I did not mind it. I slowly began to close my eyes, but was in no condition to fall asleep in this light spring snow.
As I lay with my head against the wall, I scarcely thought I could hear the scattering of metals Curious, I propped myself up into a more alert sitting position, and my feline ears twitched with mental arousement. Where there soldiers patrolling the city this late at night? Luckily I had very astute hearing.At first I could not make out much, there was just grumbling coming from the east. But several seconds later I stood up. I heard the clang of metal beat more loudly from the east, and my curiosity got a hold on me, pushing me to investigate. I saw five spearmen circling an imp, three and a half feet in length. It had bat like wings and six small horns on its tiny head.
THe Imp squeeled obnoxiously as one of the bronze spearmen drove a spearhead through its armorous hide of skin. Greenish-red wounds marked the underworld creature where it had been jabbed by the metal multiple times, and still it stood, screeching defiance.I drew out my longdagger, intending to help the spearmen. They had left an opening in
their circle, and I saw it about to slip through. I dashed through the scrubs and bushes, low in the East Rim of the island, as the land here was very temperate, and the only kind of vegetation that thrived here in the sand dunes were harsh and thick.
My huge hiking boots landed with an echoing thud just as the Imp slipped through the manmade ring by the speamen. I crouched in my fighting position, one dagger drawn in my sturdy feline hand. Swishing my red lion-like tail, a swung my dagger a diagonal breadth of the Imp.
The imp let out a very harsh screech, and then flapped its bat-like wings, trying to take to the sky.
Until a spear lodged itself with a thuck into the imps back.
It stumbled a few steps, then fell to the short brown grass native to the island, finally succumbing to all its wounds.
I looked at the ring of the spearmen. “What brings you here, Nekojin?” called one of the men to me. It was the one who threw his spear into the back of the fleeing imp.
“I can ask you the same about this Shadow Heart,” I responded. “This island is too prosperous to hold natives of the Underdark.” Standing up straight, tucking in my dagger, “Do the commoners know about such things?” I asked.
“Ah!” said the guardsmen. “No native of this Island are you, male Nekojin. Indeed I can tell by your tan of skin and shades of red hair you must be Croilian.”
I nodded. “A sharp eye for race you have,” I mentioned.
The guardsman waved a hand as though his observation were nothing.
I introduced myself to the captain of the guard –Barris was his name. “My name is Kytaari Seafare Bounder,” I said, my solid green eyes gazing him forward. “Treasure Hunter,”
Barris spat. “Thief more likely,” he corrected. “I know your breed of adventurer.”
I smiled, and my expression did not change.
Barris scratched his chin. The other four spearmen were
returning to what looked like a makeshift camp, and Barris, leader of the batch, motioned for me to follow him towards the small roaring fire and wide but otherwise low hanging brown tents.
“You seem to be an experienced traveler,” Barris said, eyeing me down. I was indeed wearing heavy leather armor and much steel on my person.
“I'm prepared is all,” I said offhandedly.
Barris scratched his black beard.
“Have you ever thought about using your talents for honest work?” he asked.
I chuckled. That seemed answer enough.
“Don't cause the illegal sort of burglary on my island,” Barris said seriously.
“About the Shadow Heart...>” I said, glad to change the topic.
“What is it about there presence here that surprises you, Thief? You are from the Mainland, are you not? Do they not have tarnish on the Sworded Coast?”
“They do,” I agreed. “However, I expected prospects on this Island to be more fortunate.”
Barris shook his head. “The invasions are minor,' he said. “Nothing a small squadron cannot handle.”
I nodded, then looked up into the sky. It was getting dark.
“I’m returning to my inn,” i said, standing.
Captain Barris bid me ado as I ambled back to the Silver Phoenix Tavern to tell the news about the Shadow Hearts to my companions.
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Hey hey! This is really interesting. If you post more, make sure to keep me updated because I want to read it.
Now, on to the review.
So, you've got a nice high fantasy vibe going on here. I really like that your main character isn't human - it's just so rare, and so fun to play with.
I don't have much to say in terms of story and plot - this is only chapter one, after all, and you do a really good job setting up who the main character is and what he's doing there.
I really like your description - you integrate the setting so seamlessly into the piece. That's something I have trouble with at times. Having two moons is really cool. Really, all this review is going to be is going over a few clunky spots.
You also do have several typos, and like BlackhawkUnder said, there are a couple of times where you accidentally start a new paragraph in the middle of a line, so watch out for those. I'll fix the typos in bold as I go along.
Try "we were currently on." It flows better.
You could combine the two sentences like so: "...a large first story place, caused by the heat..."
Also, how can a scent "shield the ceiling?" It's not a cloud of smoke, so it shouldn't be blocking the ceiling out.
*peculiarly
"Scarcely thought" doesn't really make sense. Just remove it, or say "I could barely hear." Also, you forgot a period after "metals."
"insofar concluded in our being present" doesn't make sense. Try "which had resulted in our presence here..."
*squealed
"Armorous isn't a word. Try "armor-like." Also, you don't need "of skin" at the end. A hide, by definition, is skin.
You have a few more places where your wording is off, but unfortunately I have limited time today and I can't list them all for you. If you read it through a few times, you'll probably catch them. Reading out loud is helpful too. Good luck with this, and update me if you post another chapter!
I wanted to say, before anything else, that this was a fantastic story. From the supernatural element, to the introduction of the plot, to the character development, this was an overall excellent story. However, and I want you to not take what I'm about to say next as negative, there were some errors. I know that when the ideas are flowing almost too fast for us to put onto the page, it sometimes gets difficult to catch every single misspelled word and awkwardly written sentence.
I'm not going to give specific examples, although I do agree with what BlackhawkUnder said.
I don't know your writing process, or how you edit, but my advice to you, and to anyone, would definitely be to either read it out loud to yourself, to someone else, or have someone else read it first.
But if there's nothing else you get from this, take this: Keep Writing. You're awesome at it. I can't wait to read more, so keep on keeping on!
Blackhawk reporting for duty!
Okay, let me just say: your story is AMAZING! Your character development and use of the supernatural is fantastic! I love everything about this piece! It's very original, sort of with a Skyrim vibe going on. I have nothing to say about your writing style or flow or the complexity of your details, it was all super spot on.
Unfortunately there were a lot of grammatical errors. On the bright side they're all very easy fixes!
1. You really need to run this through spellcheck. There were a ridiculous amount of misspelled words, and that's like the easiest fix in the world. YWS has a spellcheck system for you when you post. Just look for the red dashed lines.
2. I think there was some kind of formatting error when you copied and pasted your story, if that's what you did. Sentences were sometimes split randomly, the second half looking like it starts a new paragraph when actually it doesn't.
i.e.
3. There was only one instance of repetition that I noticed: Aroma in the aforementioned sentence is repeated shortly after. The first one could probably be changed to "A thick veil of smoke" and it would keep the same meaning.
4.
I'm not sure the word "albeit" is the right fit in this situation. If you replace it with its synonym "although" it sounds a bit strange. You could try replacing it with "perhaps" or "maybe." Also I think if you changed "too" to "more" it would sound okay with "albeit."
5.
I think you're missing a couple words in this sentence. I'm pretty sure it should say: my Samurai friend rolled his eyes toward the Alexandra brothers, who were arguing rapidly.
6.
This sounds a little funky. You just need to reword it a bit, something like: To my left stood a signpost.
Furthermore, the word "And" after "the sign read" is unnecessary, especially to start a sentence.
7.
change "in" to "into," otherwise it sounds like Kytaari is literally IN the sky gazing upward.
8.
You forgot a period after "metals."
9.
You wrote "where" instead of "were."
10.
This isn't necessarily wrong, but perhaps it could be written with a bit more flair, a bit more showing and less telling .
11.
you wrote "a" instead of "I."
12.
If you italicize the word "thuck" it adds more emphasis.
13.
I'm not 100% on the rule for this, but I almost feel like "do" is supposed to be lowercase, since it technically isn't the first word in the sentence. I could be wrong though.
14.
Saying "male Nekojin" seems like a blatantly obvious way of telling us that Kytaari is a male. True, there is no other part to suggest that he is a male, but saying it this way was just a little bit too "in my face" to say the least. One way to slip it in less noticeably would be to have Delaigo say something along these lines in the beginning: "What's up, brother?"
Given that they were childhood friends, calling each other brother wouldn't be too far of a stretch. We find out the main character's full name later on anyway, so I think that would be alright.
15.
"There" refers to a place, "their" is the possessive for "presence" and is the correct word.
16.
You didn't capitalize the "I" before said.
17.
"ado" is a French word, and is actually spelled "Adieu." Given this is a fictional world, you may not want to use our earthly languages in it (aside from English obviously).
Anyway, I absolutely loved this and am looking forward to reading more!