Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
Nobody knows who lives in the house at the end of the street. There is a single rusty car in the driveway, broken down, not parked. The shutters always remain closed, and not a hint of light can be seen from the road. Many people in the small town of Berkeley Heights, New Jersey think the house is abandoned. Others, mainly the youth, suspect that something more sinister lives inside. It's simply referred to as "The house" so sixteen year old Rebecca Young new exactly what her best friend was talking about when she brought the subject up one hot, summer afternoon.
"Doesn't it creep you out that it's only three houses down from yours?" Lulu asks.
"Nope. It's better that way. The mortgage is cheaper." Lulu laughs out loud.
"What do you know about mortgages?" She asks mockingly.
Beck tosses her hair again. "Nothing, only that the closer a home is to The House, the lower the mortgage." The girls get up off of Beck's floor and move to sit on her bed. When Beck and Lulu are settled, Lulu speaks up.
"So, if the house doesn't creep you out, why don't you try to get into it?"
Beck scrunches her nose in annoyance before she answers. "It's a waste of time. The House is boring, and probably smells bad."
"We're teenage girls, very single teenage girls. Honestly, what do we have better to do than paint our toenails? Let's go see what's inside." Lulu is not ready to give up.
Beck sighs while she rolls her eyes. "If I go see what's inside that dumpy old house with you, will you just let this be? It's probably empty."
Lulu squeals and bounces on the bed a little bit. "I promise." She says. Lulu can't contain her excitement but on the contrary, Beck can't contain her annoyance.
After slipping on sneakers and tying their hair back, Lulu and Beck are ready to go. So they walk out of the house and down the street. As they walk, Beck mentally shakes her head. She thinks this is a total waste of time. Anything, even painting her toenails would be better than this.
The House looms behind a canopy of drooping trees, and the grass is tall and yellow. The paint on the porch is white and chipping and the green shutters are tightly closed. Between the bad light from the trees and the chipping paint, the house looks gray and dead. The girls walk up the porch and Lulu stops just in front of the door.
Lulu lifts her hand and guides it to the doorknob, then she stops. She doesn't know what to do in this situation, should she walk in or knock first? Beck pushes past Lulu and grabs the doorknob. The knob then slides out of the door, and the door swings open.
It's dark in the house, so the girl's pull out their phones to use as flashlights. There is a sudden clatter, and both girls scream. Beck is nervous now, until she uses her phone to see what's on the floor. She sees a mouse scuttling along, running away from the sudden racket. Beck mentally kicks herself for letting the stupid rodent startle her. She regathers her poise before she speaks.
"Lu, it's just a mouse. We probably disturbed it's nest." Beck shines her light in the general direction of the clatter. "See?" She says, "It was just pots and-" Beck can feel her limbs freeze, and she senses Lulu's face contorting into a silent scream.
Hanging above the nest of pots and pans the mouse had previously run out of, are two people. Dead. Their heads are tilted slightly towards the ceiling, their necks are longer than they should be and their bodies slightly sway as a breeze makes its way through the house. Beck turns to run to the door, but a hand catches her arm.
"Don't go." She hears a voice say. Beck whirls around. Standing in front of her is a little girl with matted brown hair and big brown eyes. The girl wears a dirty dress that was probably once pink, and her feet are bare and bloody. "Don't leave me." She begs. Beck hurriedly grabs the girl's hand, she needs to get her out of here. Then she looks around for Lulu who is no longer beside her. Beck turns back to the girl. She's gone. The front door slams and the little girl stands in front of it.
"Nobody lives in this house, and nobody lives while they're inside it. Nobody leaves, and nobody lives." She gives an insane chuckle, similar to that of the Mad Hatter's in Alice in Wonderland. The laugh is eerie and shakes Beck to her bones. "Nobody leaves and nobody lives," The girl says it again, as if she can't fathom how easily the words roll of her tongue.
The girl seems to be staring at something just behind Beck. Beck begins to turn around, slightly relieved. It must be Lulu, and they need to get out of The House now. When Beck turns around, she's right. It is Lulu. But Lulu isn't going anywhere for the time being. On the floor, Lulu lies dead. Her head has been chopped off, and it's resting on her hand. Lulu's mouth is open in a silent scream, and Beck can see where the flesh was ripped off to pull her head off her neck. Lulu's organs are hanging out of her once seafoam green shirt, and her left hand is resting over her stomach as if she were trying to hold her organs in place. Both hands are covered in dry blood, and Lulu smells as if she's been dead for days rather than minutes.
Beck can feel the bile rise into her throat. She wants to throw up, but now is not the time for that. Instead, Beck turns back to the little girl who is still blocking the door.
"What do you want?" She asks. "I'll do anything, just let me go." Suddenly, the girl appears in front of her.
"No. You will not go. I want you to stay with me. Don't leave me." Her voice is pitiful and for a moment, Beck almost forgets that she is a threat before she seizes Beck's hair. The girl drags Beck through the house. She has surprising strength for just a six year old, Beck knows the girl is not what she seems. The girl must be possessed, or a hallucination. Beck struggles but the girl just keeps calmly walking, dragging Beck by her beautiful blonde hair.
Beck is thrown into a room after being dragged up flight of stairs, and she lands on her shoulder. She can feel the crack of her arm as it fractures and she screams. Something big and orange is thrown up the stairs, and it resembles the sun. Beck sits up with tears gliding down her cheeks, it's a torch. The torch catches on to a wooden pillar holding up the attic ceiling and the room is illuminated.
Everywhere there are bodies. Beck even knows some of these people. Spencer Anderson, who was thought to have run away to travel the world is missing his limbs. His arms and legs are scattered around him, and his chest has an arrow lodged in it. The postman who apparently died of old age has been sawed in half, his small intestine flopping over the side of his hip.
There are piles of dead people, and piles of organs. In one corner, Beck sees the world's biggest pile of human hearts. In another corner, there are dead children. Little kids, babies, pre teens. Kids from ages 0-12 just laying in a pile with their heads lolled to the side and blood matting their hair.
The fire lights to a pile of people she doesn't think she knows, and the stench of death grows even stronger. The fire is spreading even more quickly and Beck begins to panic. Her mind flashes back to Lulu, her now dead best friend. Beck really does throw up this time, but nothing can add to the stench of burning bodies and bloody organs. Not even vomit.
Beck holds her nose and crawls over the the attic door. Unsurprisingly, it's locked. The attic has one window, but Beck can't break it. The fire inches closer and closer to her, the smoke suffocates her. She can't breathe, can't breathe...
Pain ignites her entire body, Beck's blonde hair is now a brilliant orange. She can smell her own burning flesh and it takes on a different odor. When the bodies were burning, the smell of death just intensified and mixed with the smell of burning paper. But now, Beck can smell her own putrid flesh, and she can feel her heart pounding and pounding, her adrenaline pumping through her body.
She screams and she screams, but nothing can stop the pain. Every nerve in her body is literally on fire, and Beck can't see anything anymore. Her eyes burn, her lips burn and her limbs burn. Beck's only coherent thought is that the girl was right, and she was right. Nobody lives in that house. They die in it. The agony finally ends, but Beck isn't there anymore. She is ash.
_______________________
Two teenage girls walk along the street in front of The House. They feel a sudden chill coming from the house, but it's not from the popsicles they suck on. Gia, a thirteen year old blonde and Becky, a fourteen year old brunette talk and walk back from the community pool.
"Becky, did you hear something?" She asks. Becky snorts.
"Nope." But Gia looks back at the house, and she can almost detect a hint of smoke. She thinks she can hear a girl scream.
"Becky, I hear someone in there, I think they're screaming, and I smell smoke."
"Gia, you're imagining things. There is nothing in that house. Nobody lives in it." Becky walks ahead of Gia while she pauses to look at the house. There doesn't appear to be a fire, but Gia can smell the horrid stench of the burning dead, and she can hear screams. She blinks and it's gone. Gia can feel her arms getting goosebumps though it's the middle of summer, and it makes her curious to know what's in The House.
"We should see what's in there sometime."
Becky turns to her in annoyance and says, "Only if you stop bugging me about it." She pauses. "Like I said, nobody lives in there anyway."
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
It's a very interesting story I like it. It kind of reminds me of the movie "The House At The End Of The Street". Good movie as well. But the way you have it written it has everything escalated so quickly that I could really get as interested in the story as I would have liked to. Maybe if you extended parts of the story like when they decided to go in the house it would put more edge to it. I like how at the ending you had it repeat the beginning showing that it was something that couldn't be stopped. Maybe you should try turning this into a novel or something, it's really good. Like give it a bit more background to the little girl and why she kills people that go in or something like that. But like I said, it's very interesting and I really like it.
Wow. Just... wow. I don't typically read horror, but this piece is definitely making me question why I haven't. This story was amazingly written and, surprisingly enough, since I don't typically like it written this way, I enjoyed the fact that it was in third-person and present tense, which usually tends to bother me, automatically making me put down whatever I'm reading, rejecting it. However, the way you wrote this stunned me. The point of view worked perfectly! There is one thing that I would try to fix though, in this story. I noticed that you say "Lulu" a lot, as well as "the girl", making your piece sound repetitive. But other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Good job!
Thanks!
This was a pretty enjoyable piece, you have a really good grasp of horror, unsettling and grotesque imagery. It did feel kind of rushed and you might want to work on your pacing and dynamics. The end of the story was particularly good and really cemented the piece together. You may want to triple check for spelling and grammar mistakes, particularly with dialogue. Also the Mad Hatter reference might be best left out (in fact most casual references are usually a bad idea in fiction), as well as with the "0-12" thing (just refer to them as children). Apart from that, I think this has a lot of potential!
Messenger here for you on review Day!
Oh my. I mean . . . oh my that was terrifying. I was literally on the edge of my seat. I was so nervous h whole time. That was dreadfully well written. What I mean is it was so dreadful and full of horror but that it was written perfectly for horror. Not too much detail when not necessary, and plenty of detail when it was needed .The little girl is a little common.
also, Lulu dies but it doesn't really explain it. Also why would this house not have been investigated by police or something .I know this is a story so it is set up a certain way, but you should think of those things. A house like that would be bulldozed most likely.
Anyway well done! Chilling read.
Keep it up!
So, this was a really great story. My only nitpicks are that the story was a tad rushed, and the little girl in a horror was slightly cliche. Also, two separate characters in one short story named "Beck" and "Becky" can be confusing. As Beck was burning in the house and Becky walked by, I had to go back and double check names to assure they weren't the same person.
Having said that, this was pretty good. My favorite part is probably when the little girl drags Beck through the house and up the stairs. I love the ending, and the line about "Nobody lives, nobody leaves". I can't get over the fact that, literally, nobody lives there. You took an interesting interpretation of a simple phrase. Nicely done.
Hi Gravity! Lucrezia here for a review.
Wow, this was awesome. Though I must admit I'm a bit partial, as I love a good horror story. But really, this is just a great piece. The setting is realistic, considering most people have that "creepy house" in their neighborhood (myself included), and right away sucks readers in with the first paragraph.
It was when you brought the creepy little girl into the story that I was really hooked, though. I mean, who doesn't love a creepy six-year-old girl?? XD
Obviously, that's disgusting, but at the same time I love that you were able to write something so dark and gory! I write horror but I can never bring myself to write something like this, and it really impressed me that you were able to make describing something so twisted seem like a piece of cake. Very horror movie-esque.
Now for some typo nitpicks:
You left out the K in "knew."
I love this bit. Just add in the second F you forgot in "off."
My only other criticism would be that the pacing felt a bit fast. You wrote this obviously in present tense, which is quite tricky to do but you managed to pull it off without once breaking the tense; for that, I give you major kudos.
But, sometimes using that tense can make a story feel rushed, and lose some dramatic edge. In this case, I think when you're describing dead bodies and the two girls right away finding murdered remains in this creepy old house, you could've made it feel a bit more climatic.
That said, you did manage to freak me out with this one, and I'm not easily freaked.
Overall, amazing work with this! It was an addictive read, unrelentingly terrifying, and everything a horror story should be. I especially liked the ending, with the two girls whose friendship mimicked Beck and Lulu's. Very clever way to finish, if I do say so myself.
Hey! Silver here to review for you!
This was interesting! I love horror so I was excited to read this. Overall it was quite good, I seenwhat meanr about the gore and it was used well as a shock factor. It was interesting for me to read this in the present tense which you executed quite well. The idea of the "house" at the end of the roaf is cliche but I have to admit always effective. I think you could have done more scaring rhough, gore doesn't always mean scare, just momentary shock. I think I would have liked this much more if you didn't reveal the little girl straight away and created some tension and nervousness first. But great job anyway!! Happy writing!!
Silverlock
I actually enjoyed reading this story, and I'm not very good with horror stories!
I did find that while it was gruesome, it was also really interesting; the theme reminded me of some small scale horror games I have played, but this by far is more realistic and a much better horror experience as a whole.
While as some have mentioned there were some small bits I would have done differently, but you have certainly written a good story, and you may have given me a new interest in horror stories!
Thank you for writing this
Thanks! I have written other gore/horror stories and they have their own file in my portfolio if you'd like to check them out!
I will do, let me just prepare some chocolate... I need some comforting after a horror story
lol I'm sorry. Now I feel bad! This is the first story I wrote in the 3rd person POV, my other stuff is written in first person and is much better. Lovin' the profile picture bt-dubs.
No need to feel bad, chocolate is just nice to eat
As for my profile picture, it's just me with my Christmas hat, I'm so still in the Christmas spirit!
well, i'm going to have to disagree with your other reviewers. this story definitely had some gory, sickening scenery, but i think it was used to little effect.
now i'll include a disclaimer - in my early stories i also over-used gore and the shock effect, while sidelining the actual story. that's what i think you've done here.
we'll start with the characters - they're pretty one-dimensional. if you didn't include the "Beck said" or "Lulu replied", i wouldn't know who was speaking. they seem to be just a couple flat, uninteresting young girls.
now, the events. when the girls first walked into the the house, i was expecting some build-up. you know, the girls look around, thing get increasingly tense as they discover new horrors, but no. you jumped straight into the conclusion. i felt absolutely no tension or suspense as Lulu's head was chopped off, Beck's arm was fractured and she saw piles of dead children and human hearts. this is all without impact on the reader (or at least on me) when you don't describe what's going on in the character's head who's witnessing. as far as i could tell, Beck felt no fear and had no thoughts (except when she thought about Lulu). so, how am i supposed to feel anything when the character this is all happening to seems to feel and think nothing about witnessing these horrors?
sorry, i'm ranting. now a couple technical things.
Beck is doing a lot of mentally kicking herself, mentally shaking her head, etc. how about you describe or narrate specifically what she's thinking?
"Similar to the Mad Hatter" - this description doesn't work because there's tons of readers who have never heard this laugh. describe using adjectives, or compare to something that's more commonly heard.
there are also typos and grammar mistakes, but not too many so it's not a big deal.
what i'd say to use is, if you want to impact your audience, don't jump to the exciting conclusion right off the bat. focus on character development instead of just trying to make the reader cringe. best of luck.
Thanks for your review. I understand completely where you're coming from, my character dimension is flat. This is mainly because this is the first story I've written in a third person POV, my first person POV stuff is a lot better with character dimension. Also, I was running our of room. I didn't want to write a story that was too long or too tedious to read. Thank you for giving me good constructive criticism, I want to be able to master all POVs and tenses and this is what I really need to be able to get out of my comfort zone. Thanks again for the review! Although just a tip for your future reviews, you might want to try including what you liked about the story so you don't insult the author. Just sayin'
well, i'm going to have to disagree with your other reviewers. this story definitely had some gory, sickening scenery, but i think it was used to little effect.
now i'll include a disclaimer - in my early stories i also over-used gore and the shock effect, while sidelining the actual story. that's what i think you've done here.
we'll start with the characters - they're pretty one-dimensional. if you didn't include the "Beck said" or "Lulu replied", i wouldn't know who was speaking. they seem to be just a couple flat, uninteresting young girls.
now, the events. when the girls first walked into the the house, i was expecting some build-up. you know, the girls look around, thing get increasingly tense as they discover new horrors, but no. you jumped straight into the conclusion. i felt absolutely no tension or suspense as Lulu's head was chopped off, Beck's arm was fractured and she saw piles of dead children and human hearts. this is all without impact on the reader (or at least on me) when you don't describe what's going on in the character's head who's witnessing. as far as i could tell, Beck felt no fear and had no thoughts (except when she thought about Lulu). so, how am i supposed to feel anything when the character this is all happening to seems to feel and think nothing about witnessing these horrors?
sorry, i'm ranting. now a couple technical things.
Beck is doing a lot of mentally kicking herself, mentally shaking her head, etc. how about you describe or narrate specifically what she's thinking?
"Similar to the Mad Hatter" - this description doesn't work because there's tons of readers who have never heard this laugh. describe using adjectives, or compare to something that's more commonly heard.
there are also typos and grammar mistakes, but not too many so it's not a big deal.
what i'd say to use is, if you want to impact your audience, don't jump to the exciting conclusion right off the bat. focus on character development instead of just trying to make the reader cringe. best of luck.
Hey there gravity! I have to say I really enjoyed reading this short story! I loved how sinister and creepy it was and the images you showed in this story! I especially loved the last paragraph before the line, the "Nobody lives in that house. They die in it." it gave a real sense of irony and a feeling that by now the protagonist has given up.
Here's a few things I picked up that could be improved, I won't focus on grammar stuff because I didn't notice any errors.
I did like the girl herself but she was a little cliché, maybe if this was made into more chapters we would understand more of the girl?
This is a little bit uncreative with the quote from Alice in wonderland, it kind of kills the mood a little and I don't think it would be all that hard to add something else to describe the smile like all the other powerful images.
I think you went into to much detail here with the ages of the children, you could have been slightly more vague like: "Kids ranging from babies to twelve year olds..."
Besides those things I really enjoyed reading this, it's not often I read some horror or even short stories on this site but I was pleasantly surprised with this work!
See ya around gravity!
Huh when I wrote this no one else had replied yet.
*freaks out*
How long have I been sitting here???
haha thanks for the review!
I liked this a lot. It's so sick and creepy. There were a couple of mistakes in it, like this part: "so sixteen year old Rebecca Young new exactly". You wrote new instead of knew. This sentence should have been broken up into two sentences instead of just using a comma: "We're teenage girls, very single teenage girls." Other than that, I thought it was good. The descriptions were gorey and the mood was tense. Keep up the good work!
So reading this work is kind of reminiscent for me to watching a horror movie.
Very spooky.
I particularly think your description is good here:
'Beck is thrown into a room after being dragged up flight of stairs, and she lands on her shoulder. She can feel the crack of her arm as it fractures and she screams.' The action is very visual for the reader and the pace moves quickly so it feels like the events are happening in real time.
If I have to make a criticism, maybe it's about the length of the piece. It did take quite a while for me to read. I enjoyed it, but there were moments I was thinking: Is this ever going to end? XD Lulz.
However, it is very good writing and I think your concept here was very strong.
Good work.
Thanks. Yeah, this is actually the shorter version. I apologize for the length.