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Music

by Grace4life


Music you put a smile on my face.

You're like a umbrella 

that protects me from the rainy storm..

You take me to a different place,

where it's calm.

My worries stop, when you are around

they freeze when they hear your sound.

You motivate me and inspire me.

To do what I love.

I love you music.


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Sun Dec 20, 2020 11:05 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there, and welcome to YWS! :D If you ever have any questions about my review or this site, feel free to ask! <3

I love the sweet and simple poem you got here! You've used various metaphors and similes that work really well and serve the purpose of explaining your love of music. I love the idea of music being like an umbrella - that seems to be a pretty unique simile, and I think that's my favourite of the ones you used. Overall, I think you have a really sweet and lovely poem that I really enjoyed reading! c: I do have some suggestions for your poem; now, these are just suggestions, so please feel free to ignore them I you don't agree!

The first thing I'd like to mention is your title. It definitely captures what you're poem is about, but it's not exactly eye-catching, if you catch my drift. I'm super bad at titles xD so I wish I could give you some suggestions, but I don't really have any in mind. Here are just some random suggestions that are coming off the top of my head (but if you like your title as is, then please keep it!!! ^_^)

Umbrella Made of Music (or something like this haha)
Shelter from the Storm
An Umbrella Strung from Melodies

As you can tell, titles are not my forte xD but maybe they'll get you brainstorming!

The next thing I'd like to mention is your imagery. Like I said earlier, I love the metaphors and similes you've woven into this poem. I do think that you could expand on them and add some more imagery - like perhaps you could use more of the five senses to describe how much you love music. For example, what does music sound like to you? The soft humming of honey bees? What does it feel like to you? Warm syrup coating your heart? How exactly does music motivate and inspire you? Perhaps you could describe the umbrella a bit more? I hope this makes sense and also helps you brainstorm :)

Another thing I'd like to mention is this particular line

that protects me from the rainy storm..


Usually, the dots come in sets of three and are called ellipsis. So if you want to add the "dot dot dot" effect after this line, I recommend you put three dots instead of two, as that is usually the traditional way :D

One last thing I'd like to mention is your last line. Like Hkumar said, it may be seen as a bit cliche. I think the last line would be a great place to add some imagery, because it is your final line and you want to have a big impact to last on the reader. So instead of stating that you like music straightforwardly, perhaps you could say it in an indirect way? Like (this is a super bad example xD) "music keeps my heart beating" or something like that, you know? But of course, please feel free to ignore this if you don't agree!

And that's all I got for you! Overall, this is a simple and sweet poem that I really enjoyed reading. I love your use of similes, and this put a smile on my face. I hope this helped! :D




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Fri Dec 18, 2020 1:10 pm
anne27 wrote a review...



Woah! A very realatable poem.

Hi there! Anne here for a review.
There are various aspects of poem that I especially liked. I'll go one by one.

Music you put a smile on my face.

I like this personification a lot. Apart from nature, personally, I also think music can be my best friend. It has qualities like no other. So this line was an amazing start
You're like a rainbow,

after a huge storm.


This phrase...I'm not sure... It is a very powerful verse no doubt about that. A fabulous way to express that feeling. But I'm not sure if that feeling belongs here. I know I'm being a bit too vague. So let me clarify myself, what I mean to say is that music is really helpful when you're in grief or depression or even a tense situation. However how it helps is the thing I'm talking about. The way you've written feels that after the storm subsides, it makes you forget it and feel good. According to me though, music helps us as if it were an umbrella- that makes us view things like a bystander and gives us more clarity. That is, it gives us a new clear perspective that may help us to solve our problems calmly. Also, it sometimes helps to escape reality. Like a person in umbrella. He knows the world is in a storm at the moment but he's in his own thoughts.
So I'm not truly convinced about it being a rainbow...
Just an opinion..please don't take it as a criticism.

And also I think the flow would've been better in the next lines too. As you said " My worries go..." That doesn't necessarily mean that the problem went away ( storm) but rather I stopped worrying about it.

Sorry for going too long about a single thing. But that's the only thing I found that could be corrected and also if corrected, could make your poem perfect.

Now the ending.
To do what I love.

I love you music.


With that confession, it becomes an ideal ending. And the use of love to signify two different situations was really pretty. :D

Loved your poem. Looking forward for more...




Grace4life says...


No don't apologise for giving me ideas and helping me to become a better writer. I will write down all my mistakes and work on them. I'm still new in writing so I do know my work will not be that perfect but I'm glad you helping me make it perfect. Thank you for the review:)



Grace4life says...


Okay i didn't know how to edit but i figured it out so what do you think is it okay or should i fix it again :)



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Thu Dec 17, 2020 7:26 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Grace!

I'm here for a quick review. This piece feels like a simple yet very sweet one where you have beautifully expressed your love for music. Comparing it with rainbow after a huge storm does reflect about the healing power of music in one's life when they are in absolute despair. Soothing music is always a great remedy for the pain of the heart and agony of the soul.

You take me to a different place,
where it's calm.

Over here, I think instead of just giving an abrupt pause on this idea of calmness, maybe you can expand more on the idea of the serenity of mind that one can achieve through music. How the rhythm and beats of music can bring one's body at ease and the vibrations can be felt from head to toe.

You motivate me and inspire me.
To do what I love.

These two sentences are connected so I suggest you should remove that period (after me) with a comma.
Also the last line 'I love you music', sounds a bit cliche (also because you used the word love twice in consecutive lines). So if you want to modify it you can try replacing it with words that express your emotions for the love and fondness that music has for you. It's just a nitpicking thing so you can just ignore these if you don't like them.

Overall, I did enjoy your poem and liked the honesty that you have put in it. Your message about music was well conveyed to readers and am sure everyone will agree it. Thanks for sharing your work with us and all the best for your future writings.

Great work!
Keep writing :D




Grace4life says...


Hi and thank you for the review I will take note of where I went wrong and work on them next time I write. Thank you so much I'm glad you loved it



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Wed Dec 16, 2020 6:43 pm
piyaliarchives wrote a review...



piyali archives

Hi!
Firstly, welcome to YWS!
Second of all, you have written a very cute and brief poem.

You wrote: Music you put a smile on my face.

You're like a rainbow,

after a huge storm.

You take me to a different place,

where it's calm.

My worries go, when you are around

they flee when they hear your sound.

You motivate me and inspire me.

To do what I love.

I love you music.


Same pinch lol! Great metaphors and the use of words. I liked it! I don't have any critiques...:)

Thanks!




Grace4life says...


Thank you so much for that review, I never thought someone would like it. Thank you




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