z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Okay?

by GrHinds09


Disclaimer- This is a like a year old so forgive some spelling and grammar stuff. I just felt like posting it.

It was spring - the time when the flower shop is always crowded. My dad sold herbal teas and flowers to the people in our village, and I’d stay during the spring with him, before my mom took me back for rest of the year. I always wanted to help out in the shop, but my hands killed the flowers: they were too warm.

When I was seven, I got my powers - this is how it happened. I had spent every year all year round with my dad, but this year it was what my mom called “the awakening.” She told my dad she was coming to pick me up. I was sitting in the corner behind pots of large roses, careful not to touch them.

I don’t want to leave. I knew my dad was looking for me, I could hear his loud footsteps wandering through the greenhouse. I was crying, so I covered my mouth to muffle the sobs. I don’t want to leave. I kept trying to will myself to stop, but my dad was practically giving me away to a strange woman I’d never met, who’d never taken enough time to visit me. Why would I want to go!?

My dad pushed away the flowers.

“Hey, it’s okay Candis - you’re not going anywhere.” He brushed the tears from my cheek. “Tonight, when your mom’s convertible gets here, we’ll be long gone, okay?”

“Alright.” I wiped my nose on his pant leg and hugged onto it. I won’t need to leave - it’ll be okay … I’ll be okay.

My dad and I packed our bags - I had trouble picking what to bring, since I didn’t know if I’d be back … I’ll probably be back - I hope. I grabbed a glass vial that contained a rose; to remember home, this was what I needed. I’m only leaving for a few weeks.

Dad knocked on my door. “Hey Candis - can I come in?”

“Yeah.” I opened the door to see my dad with a giant sack of clothes, but mostly gardening tools. What if we weren’t coming back?

“Candis, we need to go - she’s almost here!” My father pulled the window curtains back as I saw her convertible getting closer by the second, the flaming red car speeding down the street.

“Okay,” I whispered, as I felt my eyes begin to water. I could hear the engine of her convertible getting closer. I felt like I was drowning in this awful feeling, I was almost too scared to move - almost. We had to leave - there was too much at stake. I clung to my dad’s hand as we ran out the back door of the house, past the greenhouse, and into the woods.

I felt tears roll down my cheeks like a river as I hear my mother’s unfamiliar voice screaming, “GET BACK HERE YOU GODDAMN LITTLE SCAMP, IT’S THE GODDAMN AWAKENING! IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR ASSOVER HERE THIS INSTANT, I SWEAR TO CHRIST THAT I’LL -!”

She stopped for a moment and smiled to herself, as if a brilliant idea hit her. She started speaking in a scarily calm tone.

“Hmm … I know what I’ll do. I’ll make your dad pay for your crimes against me.” She giggled just a little bit to herself. I stopped dead in my tracks - she couldn’t, she wouldn’t … no - no she would. My father kept running, but I let go of his hand. It’s okay - it’ll all be okay. I wasn’t so sure.

My dad stopped and looked at me, maybe as scared as I was. He gestured for me to keep running.

“It’s okay dad … M-Mom?” The word felt awkward in my mouth. “I’ll go with you - just leave my dad alone.” I pulled out the rose to look at it one more time. I looked back at my dad, but I felt my finger slip. The delicate flower started to crumble as the soft green stem turned to ash.

No no no no no I’ll never have this again - not this rose, not this family, not this life…

My mom’s voice burst through my thoughts.

“Candis - it’ll all be great, absolutely fantastic.” Her voice was laced with excitement. “Everything is coming into fruition.” She squeezed my hand and it felt like I was on fire - this uncertainty built up, and I felt like I was gonna puke … but it felt powerful. I felt powerful like something had been forced to the surface. She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the convertible.

“Eva stop! Bring her back - right now!” my dad yelled.

“Well, I was in a good mood, but I think it’s time to go.” My mother pushed me into the convertible as I tried to cling to the side of the car, but she just shoved me in. She got in the car, no seat belt, and drove like a maniac away from everything I cared about.

“It’s okay Candis - you’ll be safer with me, and you’ll come back in the spring.”

I ignored her. What about this was okay? 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
193 Reviews

Points: 27944
Reviews: 193

Donate
Thu Nov 23, 2023 12:23 pm
View Likes
AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

This is an awesome concept!

I’m a big fan of magic, so this story definitely piqued my interest. Cool names you’ve chosen, powerful beginning. I must say that your title is nice, but it could be stronger. You did an awesome job introducing your different characters and your protagonist.
But because this is a first I can’t really predict what direction you are going to take things to. However, I would suggest you to continue this story/ or write a sequel if that is your choice. You did great!

Areas to Improve:✒️

At the beginning I have two critiques:

Firstly, this is a nitpick; I think if you placed a “the” between for and rest your sentence would flow better.

Secondly, I think this is a great start, hinting the reader at the powers that Candis has. However, I have a feeling that that isn’t developed well in the story. You do mention that her hands get warm. Perhaps you can think about mentioning that they were on fire or that they were burning. And then you could reveal her powers, because now it is a little vague.

It was spring - the time when the flower shop is always crowded. My dad sold herbal teas and flowers to the people in our village, and I’d stay during the spring with him, before my mom took me back for rest of the year. I always wanted to help out in the shop, but my hands killed the flowers: they were too warm.


~~~

Over here I think you can add a little more description and colour to the story.
E.g.

Before:
My dad pushed away the flowers.


After: This is merely an example of how you could add some more description to the story, you do not have to use my exact words.
My dad walked around in the flower shop. From time to time he pushed away some of the flowers so gently so as not to break them. After searching behind the tall plants, he remembered my favourite, the sunflowers. He walked to the back and looked behind the pots and saw me sitting there with my knees up sobbing.


~~~

Over here you start mentioning her powers coming to live. I would suggest you go a little more in detail. Try to think about developing Candis her powers more, perhaps show her power also.

Think as your reader: why did the stem turn into ash? Perhaps she has fire powers? Or heat powers? What is it?

To be honest, I think that is a little vague in your story, try to add some more explanation behind that.

“It’s okay dad … M-Mom?” The word felt awkward in my mouth. “I’ll go with you - just leave my dad alone.” I pulled out the rose to look at it one more time. I looked back at my dad, but I felt my finger slip. The delicate flower started to crumble as the soft green stem turned to ash.


~~~

Lastly, your title. Your title is nice and it fits well with your story, but I have the feeling it could be more powerful. Try to think about something that represents the story in one or a couple of words.

Okay?



Nailed It!💐

The ending is kind of sad and sappy, but it is a nice kind of sad. I love it, it really represents the sadness Candice feels and the empty feeling. You did a great job.

“Eva stop! Bring her back - right now!” my dad yelled.

“Well, I was in a good mood, but I think it’s time to go.” My mother pushed me into the convertible as I tried to cling to the side of the car, but she just shoved me in. She got in the car, no seat belt, and drove like a maniac away from everything I cared about.

“It’s okay Candis - you’ll be safer with me, and you’ll come back in the spring.”

I ignored her. What about this was okay?


Overall Feelings:

This is a great concept along with awesome characters. I would definitely recommend you to continue this story if that is your wish. I do think this would make a nice novel. Apart from adding some more descriptions and explanations, this was an awesome read! You have great potential!

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

These are some other stories which contain people with powers in it and just magical worlds. If you need some inspiration or want to take a look at another writing style, these are the stories you should read: Loosely Lawful | 1 by @Ventomology , Evil Ex by @Sunflowerdemon3712 and Scars In Blue-Part 1: Chapter 1: A Rebel Is Taken by @Serrurie

These are stories with a sappy sweet ending, some of them are also sad. But I have a feeling you would enjoy them: Under the Sycamore by @looseleaf and Memories of Daddy, pt. 1 & 2 by @AyumiGosu17

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

Image




AyumiGosu17 says...


Wow! Thank you for the mention! I definitely was not expecting that :D



GrHinds09 says...


I doubt that I will continue writing in this world since this is a very old story I wrote it a few years ago and I%u2019m currently working on a novel that I%u2019m very invested in. Thank you for the support and interest though! It really means a lot! This story was from a role play writing thing I had done and Candis%u2019s story has come to a close and I don%u2019t really remember all of what happened so I doubt I could retell it the way I would want to. I%u2019ll fix the errors though so thank you very much! I hope you have a spectacular day! :)



User avatar
41 Reviews

Points: 8772
Reviews: 41

Donate
Tue Nov 14, 2023 9:32 pm
PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out, and I'm sure glad I did!


On first impressions, this was a very well-developed story, with a clear plot and an obvious protagonist and antagonist. The story made sense the whole way through, and there were no giant plot holes. Kudos to you! That's something that a lot of people (often myself included) can't do.


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be to show what a character is thinking by using italics. It helps the reader to know that it's a thought and not just text or something that's being spoken.
For example, in paragraph nine, you stated,

“Yeah.” I opened the door to see my dad with a giant sack of clothes, but mostly gardening tools. What if we weren’t coming back?

Since I'm assuming that the last sentence was a thought by the main character, it would make a little bit more sense if it looked something like this:
“Yeah.” I opened the door to see my dad with a giant sack of clothes, but mostly gardening tools. What if we weren’t coming back?

But it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it.


If I had to pick my favorite part, it would have to be the way you showed the main character's emotion throughout the story.
Like for example, when you stated,
I could hear the engine of her convertible getting closer. I felt like I was drowning in this awful feeling, I was almost too scared to move - almost. We had to leave - there was too much at stake. I clung to my dad’s hand as we ran out the back door of the house, past the greenhouse, and into the woods.

You did an amazing job showing her tense feelings in the scene and how hesitant she was to do what she was about to do. Which is really incredible!


Overall, you did an absolutely fantastic job with this short, and I was thoroughly surprised with all that came with it. So, thank you for taking time out of your day to write and post this for all of us to read! That is greatly appreciated, and I will certainly have to check out more of your work!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




GrHinds09 says...


Thank you so much! I will totally change it to italics, that's very helpful! I hope you have an incredible time of day!




I think Amelia Earhart wants you to get some ice cream.
— SilverNight