Salutations, curious mind!
Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
This is an awesome concept!
I’m a big fan of magic, so this story definitely piqued my interest. Cool names you’ve chosen, powerful beginning. I must say that your title is nice, but it could be stronger. You did an awesome job introducing your different characters and your protagonist.
But because this is a first I can’t really predict what direction you are going to take things to. However, I would suggest you to continue this story/ or write a sequel if that is your choice. You did great!
Areas to Improve:✒️
At the beginning I have two critiques:
Firstly, this is a nitpick; I think if you placed a “the” between for and rest your sentence would flow better.
Secondly, I think this is a great start, hinting the reader at the powers that Candis has. However, I have a feeling that that isn’t developed well in the story. You do mention that her hands get warm. Perhaps you can think about mentioning that they were on fire or that they were burning. And then you could reveal her powers, because now it is a little vague.
It was spring - the time when the flower shop is always crowded. My dad sold herbal teas and flowers to the people in our village, and I’d stay during the spring with him, before my mom took me back for rest of the year. I always wanted to help out in the shop, but my hands killed the flowers: they were too warm.
~~~
Over here I think you can add a little more description and colour to the story.
E.g.
Before:
My dad pushed away the flowers.
After: This is merely an example of how you could add some more description to the story, you do not have to use my exact words.
My dad walked around in the flower shop. From time to time he pushed away some of the flowers so gently so as not to break them. After searching behind the tall plants, he remembered my favourite, the sunflowers. He walked to the back and looked behind the pots and saw me sitting there with my knees up sobbing.
~~~
Over here you start mentioning her powers coming to live. I would suggest you go a little more in detail. Try to think about developing Candis her powers more, perhaps show her power also.
Think as your reader: why did the stem turn into ash? Perhaps she has fire powers? Or heat powers? What is it?
To be honest, I think that is a little vague in your story, try to add some more explanation behind that.
“It’s okay dad … M-Mom?” The word felt awkward in my mouth. “I’ll go with you - just leave my dad alone.” I pulled out the rose to look at it one more time. I looked back at my dad, but I felt my finger slip. The delicate flower started to crumble as the soft green stem turned to ash.
~~~
Lastly, your title. Your title is nice and it fits well with your story, but I have the feeling it could be more powerful. Try to think about something that represents the story in one or a couple of words.
Okay?
Nailed It!💐
The ending is kind of sad and sappy, but it is a nice kind of sad. I love it, it really represents the sadness Candice feels and the empty feeling. You did a great job.
“Eva stop! Bring her back - right now!” my dad yelled.
“Well, I was in a good mood, but I think it’s time to go.” My mother pushed me into the convertible as I tried to cling to the side of the car, but she just shoved me in. She got in the car, no seat belt, and drove like a maniac away from everything I cared about.
“It’s okay Candis - you’ll be safer with me, and you’ll come back in the spring.”
I ignored her. What about this was okay?
Overall Feelings:
This is a great concept along with awesome characters. I would definitely recommend you to continue this story if that is your wish. I do think this would make a nice novel. Apart from adding some more descriptions and explanations, this was an awesome read! You have great potential!
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
These are some other stories which contain people with powers in it and just magical worlds. If you need some inspiration or want to take a look at another writing style, these are the stories you should read: Loosely Lawful | 1 by @Ventomology , Evil Ex by @Sunflowerdemon3712 and Scars In Blue-Part 1: Chapter 1: A Rebel Is Taken by @Serrurie
These are stories with a sappy sweet ending, some of them are also sad. But I have a feeling you would enjoy them: Under the Sycamore by @looseleaf and Memories of Daddy, pt. 1 & 2 by @AyumiGosu17
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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