Andre The White Wizard: Executioner's Song; Part IV

by GoodieGoat

Published September 30, 2021

16+ Violence

In Andre The White Wizard

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

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Down Valalar went, beyond into the tartarean birthplace of the world's foundations. The ethereal wisps of white arrayed themselves back into his corporeal form by the will of an yet unseen ironbound requisition.

The sudden airiness and disembodiment Valalar had experienced faded but would linger on tingling inside him for a little while longer. He was too mystified with himself to notice the oppressiveness of the caverns' caliginosity and the unlit roaring of soulfire; along with an abundance of graves and coffins. The hellish pain of his body wasn't present as he sat up and moving didn't seem to cause him nausea. He found his burns reskinned and as he clenched his fist he felt a return of dexterity.

Disbelieving his perception of the winds and the flickering of shadows he brought his hand in view to snap his fingers. Though interrupted he would soon be forced to accept the unexplained restoration of his wounded sensory organs. A mighty grinding noise swatted every ambient sound aside. Valalar grappled himself back to reality and watched as a colossal coffin laying askew against the cavern wall possessed itself. The lid slowly crawled to the side and fell onto the cavern floor with a great seismic thud.

A deep, hermetic commotion arose out of the coffin as its occupant stirred from its slumber. It began to sit upright and a powerful skeletal hand clenched the side of the coffin to draw itself more forward. It's phalanges twitched subtly. From out of the inky blackness its whole form revealed itself, a mound of assorted bones several times Valalar's height. On great ossified quadruped legs it lumbered forward. Its forelimbs were long and disproportional, but carried with them a crushing fortitude. Absent was it's right hand, and in its place an enormous scythe-like sword grafted onto its forearm with more bone. Femurs and humeri dangle from its chest and skulls adorned its chest and shoulders like furs. A waving flutter of black and deep purple energies unfurled from the shoulders and cloaked the thing. Valalar's mind was invaded by the memories of those whose souls made his host's cloak. Unlike when he cauterized his wound however, only Dravidia's galliant and dauntless now haunted him with visions.

Valalar looked up to a large humanoid skull that sat as the thing's head. He winced as the empty sockets of its eyes exploded and retreated into intense purple beads that glared into him. He was awestruck but had grown to know what meant him harm in the time he'd spent in the underworld. A timid voice sputtered from his throat; "On the surface Sir Lord Octavius spoke of a 'Gravelord'. The commander of some army that is awaiting some unspecified dreadfulness. Are you this person?"

There was a pause as the boney mountain beheld Valalar. In a voice sonorous and silken, and timeless as the metamorphic rock that encased them. It responded; "I am many things. Gravelord, Cryptking, Barrowbaron, Charnel Sovereign, but my name is Isilithagardôl. My regards, you have passed Ishabooru's Second Trial."

Valalar in good health and realizing his eldritch host wouldn't trample him underfoot, felt a small amount of spunk return to him. Motioning at Isilithagardôl and the deathliness about them he asked; "What is the purpose of all...this?"

"The purpose." Isilithagardôl restated; "Purpose doesn't even begin to remotely convey the unfathomed scope of this dominion." He continued "The divinities, the knights, the thrice redoubted fortresses and thaumaturgy. Every one exists to stem the demonic tide that slinks and simmers in their diabolic lairs in the far west acrossed desolation. Each ever awaiting a lapse in our vigilance so they may devour the east in a storm of beastial destruction." Motioning around himself he spoke; "Everything that dies in that struggle, whether it be 'fallen brothers and sisters or slain demons of the west' as Octavius said, comes here. And whether they be friend or foe under Ishabooru's banner I will cause them to arise from there dormancy and command them into the awaiting of their final passing; armageddon."

Valalar's spirit tore itself from its coil. Isilithagardôl knew whence it flew. To a precious memory as quicksilver in Valalar's mind as the clear and crystal brilliance of the moon on that autumn night. There he sat, with Maybelle under a sprawling cottonwood as old as Yárafaurë itself. The leaves were yellow and gold, and moonlight irradiated the two in yellows.

About them was meadow undergrowth. Maybelle reclined in the flowers as Valalar continued to weave white roses and blueish-purple lilacs into a wreath. He looked into her face and smiled. But his facial muscles writhed and spasmed against an expression he'd forgotten how to make. As he handed her the wreath he'd made for her, the smile upon her darling face envenomed and breathed air into his breathless lungs. Yet the air of the memory was smooth and clean, and the ratcheted airways of his mind dilated to allow contentment momentary access to his being.

He took the wreath she’d made for him and crowned himself with it. He felt the love within its craftsmanship. They took each other's hand and reclined on the hill away from the tree's canopy. They lie there in the dark of stars cherishing the time together. Finally, Maybelle broke the trance; but the dream remained unbroken as it yet stands. "Do you ever wonder if there's something beyond the stars?"

"What?" Responded Valalar.

"We've known each other since youth, my human family are outsiders in an elven land. As we aged together an acquaintance grew into friendship, and that friendship into love. And that love has weathered every woe and hopelessness cast upon it."

"Are you burdened with the fork driven between the fates of elves and men?" He thought he was beginning to understand. But Valalar was a young man by human standards, and barely a newborn speck by the timetables of his kin. To him the world was still incarnate and not the wallowing river flowing yonder unknown into the hereafter.

But Maybelle knew this; she continued: "In a few decades time any union of ours will be interrupted by my frailty as a mortal, but elves; oh elves. You are timeless, only sorcerer's steel or bitter grief sees you pass on. Whatever gatekeeper may dwell binding us to our destinations is less real than my love for you. I love you Valalar."

"I love you to Maybelle. By discovering the realest magic, we can cross the sea of dreams and go to those stars."

"Let us be wed come the dawn of the morrow. So that when we are in those stars, we may cross the rainbow bridge, into the fiery guts of the Sacred Heart.”

Valalar beamed from ear to ear and the two spun about one another dancing jubilantly. "Yes!" Said Valalar. “Into the fiery guts of the Sacred Heart. Let any preordained fate or black magic necromancy see their powerlessness against love.”

The word staked itself through Valalar's mind; "Necromancy." His mind whispered sardonically to itself; "Necromancy." Again and again ad nauseam his psyche began to fracture. He wielded his sword so he could depart this life with a smile, only to be made to do the exact same thing in another. When he first met Andre, he himself had spoken of a fabled, nigh chimerical time when the world was a paradise. And yet so great a singular impurity could be as to turn the peerless gift of resurrection into the heart-piercing irony of the accursed word; "Necromancy."

Valalar's blood boiled and by instinct he ripped his estoc from its sheath. "You would dare to fake hospitality all the while you exist to leech off corpses! My friend Andre spoke of a time when spells had the potency to resurrect. But then this Enemy came and debauched it into the irony of necromancy. All this time Ishabooru and Her entire kingdom rests atop one in league with it!

Isilithagardôl weighed his accusation. "Don't presume to shimmy a stick at me child. It was I who healed your wounds. My roots were laid even before the maring of the world and unwanted this station was cast upon me. Indeed necromancy and black magic of which you speak of is hideous and loathsome. But my place was anointed and thus even the greatest and most foul of the undead sorceries are to me but trites and frivolities. Necromancy implies a previous state of life, and how can I be a necromancer when I am death impartial?

Valalar fumbled for words in his outrage. "What!? If you are death why don't you simply resurrect my family? So that we may go home away from this bewitched place and love each other in spite of you ever grasping away at humankind's heals.

"My dominion is Dravidia, not the world. Even then only the coming of the anointed hour will see my coffers spilled unto the fields of war; armageddon." As Valalar charged towards Isilithagardôl in his blind rage, he wished to himself he could sigh. Again and again those who sought the Executioner's Sword came before him, and every time their grievance and reason for seeking the sword would find a way to clash with his very existence. The sockets of his eyes once again exploded and everything was ablaze in purple. Valalar again was made into the white wisps he'd come here as and sent upwards back into the world of the living. Isilithagardôl wallowed back into his coffin and his wakeful fires extinguished. The lid slowly and sorrowfully floated and slid into place. Again to await the next champion to curse him, or as he endlessly hoped, to the wars of restoration into a world remade.

The first two things Valalar felt was the coldness of air and the warmth of sunlight. The next was being cast into the snow as an ecstatic Andre tackled him to the ground and into a hug. Andre's well wishing and inquiries momentarily soften him. But the hot blood running through his brain through one thing; wrath.

Octavius stood aside as Andre vainly attempted to calm him. Valalar seethed about, accusing the very air of necromantic conspiracy and negligence. Growling oblivious to the polychrome torrents lashing about Her temple, along with the opalescent quartz and violent eruption of stardust from there within. But he paused dead transfixed by the bright spring green eyes that looked at him, alike to a misbehaving child freezing at the mentoring glance of a parent. In rose gold armor with mystic topaz highlighting, hair scintillating and aflutter with fulgid red. Ishabooru spoke, her voice solicitous and commanding. "Do not think I am unaware of your woes, friend. I well know what you feel inside and why you are here. But part of what boils inside you is a deep, wrathful vengeance; a bloodlust. This bloodlust stems from your grief triggered by an innocent Isilithagardôl. May I show you what may become of bloodlust wielding my sword?"

Valalar stood mute. Ishabooru pulled an executioner's sword from a gilded scabbard. She ran the thick and golden alloy across her forearm. A few drops of dark maroon fell heavily on the snow. She then outstretched her free hand at Andre's staff and attacked herself with the light of his most potent and offensive magic. All three winced as Ishabooru disappeared into the blistering arcana. Stillness returned to the mountaintop and she stood unphased.

Valalar remained bitter but his temper was bridled. This was the sword he sought, it could make heaven weep its sanguinary tears so surely he could hack Thunderthrore apart. She wasn't done though. Rainbow lightning shot from her hands and illuminated his mind with visions of what might be. He floated volitionless in the dreamworld and panicked as agonized snorting pierced his ears. A wicked look was in his eye and helplessly he watched as that version of himself brought down that sword on an unseen target followed by cranial innards splattering him. Next came an injured blue dragon laying on a mountainside. He watched as a crazed Valalar would taunt and stick the sword into its flesh intent on torture. Crawling along with its mangled husk Valalar continued to hack. The beast pleaded to be put out of its misery but he continued to hack parts of it off without a mercy kill. The torture continued onwards until finally Valalar watched himself rolling around in a hollowed out dragon head painted head to toe in red and offering up his nitrogenous waste onto the corpse. Lastly Ishabooru made him watch as he prowled about in dungeons slaughtering hatchlings as they cower in shadow.

She allowed him to awake from his nightmare. She spoke; "This is what might occur if you cannot separate vengeful sadism from being an instrument of karma. I forged this sword so the weak could bring justice to the strong. I will not see it used for genocide. We have reached our final hour. If you cannot prove to me a capacity to wield this power, then be gone from here and wander the world in your stupid frothing. So starts your third and final trial."

A shell-shocked Valalar wobbled to his feet. He found himself in the center of Ishabooru's Temple, all the scenery whipping about him. Andre stood alongside Octavius and Ishabooru. His humanity told him to intervene, but he knew he couldn't even if he could. Everything they'd been through together had led to this moment, and the magic now at play would yield only to its purpose.

A black figure materialized opposite of him. Its sharp red eyes were the only colored feature. An already frenzied Valalar became even more wild, the shadow before him reflected his likeness perfectly, it was him.

His shadowy doppelganger drew its smoldering estoc and charged across their stainglassed battlefield. He drew his own blade and prepared his stance for a violent and decisive killing strike.

But the blackness burned with a hatred beyond his comprehension. It was rabid. Its attacks weren't influenced by the fear of death. It threw itself upon Valalar to which he easily parried and drove his sword into its black heart.

The shadow continued unharmed and in that instant Valalar panicked. The shadow continued flying towards him sliding upwards with Valalar's sword in its chest. Valalar jolted backwards and pulled his sword out. Sticky ink drooled from his blade. As he did so the shadow's attack missed its marker but was able to slash Valalar. A deep laceration ran from his cheek up to the side of his forehead. Blood splashed upwards following the swing of the black sword.

Valalar reeled backwards and the shadow swung and stabbed about. One of its swings landed onto Valalars chestplate with sparks flying off. Some of the grayish-white foam from the shadow's mouth landed inside his facial wound. The vipertine agony caused a lapse in his form. The shadow once again impaled itself on Valalar's sword. Only this time it's own stabbing met Valalar's lower quadricep. He screamed, blood gushed and squirted around the black steel which stood perpendicular inside his leg.

Valalar's blood ran thick as he overdosed on his own adrenaline and endorphins. Their circulation could only last so long as they drained freely onto the Temple floor. His guts took possession over him. He shifted his body and let the black sword gore more of his leg. In return the shadow would be put at an angle where it couldn't withdraw its sword. The pain caused Valalar to bite off part of his tongue, giving way to the sourness of his blood. Gambling the last of his strength into one last maneuver he pulled his sword from his opponent's chest and spun around, dislodging his enemy's sword from its grip.

The metal severed a black neck. A detached head of his darkened likeness flew upwards and spun about before hitting the ground with a splat. He watched as a bottomless wellspring of black fountained from the bodily stump. His nostrils snorted. If darkness had a smell, it would be this. The beheaded corpse collapsed limp. Valalar himself fell over, exhausted and exsanguinated.

A fearful Andre felt Ishabooru’s hand reach out for his shoulder. Valalar took stock of himself. "Look at yourself." Valalar though. "Look at what has become of you." He looked around looking for assistance that wouldn't come. Anguished and broken he looked upon the well in the center of Ishabooru's Temple from which the stardust erupted from. He crawled over to it, his blood trailing in his wake. Not sure what would happen or if it would help he pulled the sword out and shoved his impaled leg into the bedazzled slurry of chaos.

What he felt was indescribable, a limp appendage instantaneously curled back. The stopgap did quell the bleeding. But now his leg lost sensation and was glossed over in some iridescence glass. The black pools flowing from the disembodied head and decapitated corpse began to intermingle. Andre and Valalar watched as the head began to slowly slide back over to its carriage.

The lapse in the ceaseless action forced introspection on Valalar. “What?...What even is that thing?” Valalar said after spitting out blood. "What am I doing here? In this…place. What a stupid thing to ask; to avenge the deaths of my family and friends. But what would Maybelle think of me if she beheld me now? What hypocrisy to teach mortality as a father when I am incapable of separating redress from wrath. The visions the Goddess forced upon me. Is that really what I have been reduced to? Is that wretched blackness what I’ve become?"

As the head slid closer to its body Valalar slipped deeper into himself. He reflected on his life, his love. He thought of what he and Andre had discussed on that sorrowful evening in Ezebullon. On the unknowable cabalism of the very essence of life and death, of the soul, his soul. Perhaps this was his time; perhaps this is how he’d be reunified with his beloved. Not by the sword, as he always thought. But by giving himself up to his love. His love for his family, his friends, these are stronger than any steel or sorcery, they’d be how Thunderthrore met his comeuppance.

The head reattached itself and the blackness staggered to its feet. It shrieked hatefully through a throatful of its fluidic innards. It ravaged on over towards Valalar and took hold of its sword as it berserked. He gave it a peaceful look as his grunt cut through the everlasting stillness. In that moment the black blade chipped past his sternum and went into his heart out his back. Ishabooru's grip on Andre's shoulder tightened as he turned away from the sight.

The victorious shadow wondered why the meat impaled on its steel continued to squish. 

Ishabooru gently shook Andre; "Look." She said.

The rabid mass of hate began to quiver inside itself. The sharp reds of its eyes dulled and softened. The unworldly vocalizations quieted into the untroubled grandeur of the mountain. Without a fuss it disappeared back to where it came, the magic behind its existence having seen its purpose complete.

Valalar reached down incredulously at his chest. He looked like half a corpse and half a god. His wounds looked nigh necrotic and he was doused and crusted in blood. The leg where he’d been gored was still glassy with rainbow magic from when he cast it into the eruption of pixies. Andre rushed over to him and began casting spells to nurse his wounds. As he was helped to his feet Ishabooru and Octavius walked over to him and she began to unbuckle the scabbard of Her sword. With a sad and miserable expression engraved on his face he asked the Goddess; “Why do I yet live?”

“You have succeeded in ablating the cancerous wrath towards Thunderthrore. All that remains now is the catharsis of being karma’s envoy. You once said to your beloved that with the power of the purest magic you’d make your way together into the Sacred Heart that beats forevermore beyond the stars and across the rainbow bridge. It was that very magic that allowed you to survive my third and final trial. Take my sword, use it wisely and use it well. You’ve proven your capacity for restraint and forbearance, to distill a fine vintage of judiciousness from the fermenting bile of violence. Thunderthrore’s castle lies far, far in the North, and the North yet teeters on the brink of war. If you are to succeed you and Andre must establish peace. So you can waylay against the castle atop the clouds that dwells within the tempestuous thunderstorms. You destination lies in the city of Frostylrock.”

Valalar grew more weary as he cast aside the Sword of the Second Trial and felt the weight of the Executioner's Sword. “Will you heal my wounds?”

“No.” She said. “In time you will heal, but the scars will remain. To serve as a constant reminder of the consequences of blind hatred, and how it can lead you down the path of wanton destruction alike to which that triggered all this in the first place.”

"War." thought Andre; "What doth insights the northlands to fighting?" That very afternoon Andre, Valalar, and Octavius stood outside the east gate of Dravidia where they’d originally met. Andre assisted the limping Valalar into the cradling leather of the saddle and finished the hurried organizing of their supplies. Octavius looked at Valalar, and than at Andre. His middle-aged and dutiful face sprouted a wry and owlish expression. He walked closer to Valalar's horse and spoke; "Young man you ought to sit upright. What you have accomplished today is epoch-making. For the first time under my watch as the Sir Lord, the Executioner's Sword will be leaving Dravidia's borders. You feel disturbed by the visions shown to you and the rage you felt. But take heart that knowing anyone, myself, Andre, the Gravelord, even the Goddess Herself are capable of such emotions. You wouldn't be wearing that scabbard if the shame you felt was rightly manifested." 

Octavius walked back into Dravidia and before the gate closed he waved and shouted "Until we meet again my fellows." The purple steel teeth bit down and the knights manning the wall nodded to them.

Valalar's face cracked wearily at Andre and they rode onwards sharply to the north by northeast, and to whatever was awaiting them there. 


Comments & reviews · 4
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Liminality
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Liminality wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2022

Hi GoodieGoat! Lim jumping in here to leave a review. To get some context, I did read through chapter one of this story, though I haven’t read chapters two and three. Might get back to them someday when I can!

First Impressions

Wow, that was quite the chapter. I get the sense that things are moving quite a bit faster here than in the first chapter, which I like, because it helps me imagine how the scene plays out. The main feeling I had throughout was this feeling of curiosity. I kept wondering ‘what’s this?’ and ‘oh, who is this new skeleton king?’. It’s a very enjoyable read for me in that sense. It felt a bit odd that Valalar’s main character flaw, his hatred, is seemingly “resolved” at this point, when I assume this is still the beginning of the story? But maybe it’s not fully resolved and this is just one step forward for him – I don’t know for sure. I really adore a lot of the descriptions and just watching the way the magic works in this setting. They’re very unique and I can tell you have a really detailed world created for this.

Style

I appreciate how varied the word choices are when the sights and sounds are being described.

The lid slowly crawled to the side and fell onto the cavern floor with a great seismic thud.

“great seismic thud” makes me imagine something well, not earth-shattering, but like a very low sound deep in the earth, which contributes to the whole ‘underworld’ feel of this scene with the skeleton king. It’s a good example of how you’re good at combining uncommon with common words to create an effect, and also kind of separate the world of your story from our ordinary world, and show in terms of language that it’s a fantastical place where a ‘Sacred Heart’ has ‘guts’ rather than chambers.

At times I did feel a little overwhelmed by long noun phrases like “great ossified quadruped legs”. ‘Ossified’ is a fun but pretty uncommon word, and while I get that it’s a part of the style (and you’ve written in this style fairly consistently throughout the chapter) it does make some things a bit harder to imagine as I’m reading than others. That’s why I liked images like “intense purple beads”, which uses commoner words, yet brings to mind a unique and specific image.
There was a pause as the boney mountain beheld Valalar.


Likewise, I thought “boney mountain” was one of the images that used really common words but in a unique way that helped me imagine what it was describing.
I do think the style of using these uncommon words in some places lends your story a special charm though, for instance the speech of Isilithagardôl really seems to sing with words like “dominion” and “thaumaturgy” and I think it’s a great way to characterise him as an ancient being, with lots of knowledge.

Maybelle reclined in the flowers as Valalar continued to weave white roses and blueish-purple lilacs into a wreath.
. . .
He took the wreath she’d made for him and crowned himself with it.

This is a nitpick, but when reading the second line, I thought ‘wait, wasn’t he the one making the flower wreaths’? Maybe Maybelle had made one before the ‘start’ of this flashback and he was just picking it up now but I wanted to mention it just in case.

Characterisation

The dialogue seems to be the main way some of the characters show their personalities. As I’ve said, I particularly enjoy how the ‘ancient’ or ‘supernatural’ characters show their age and otherworldliness through their dialogue.

Don't presume to shimmy a stick at me child.

The assonance there with “shimmy . . . stick” just sort of emphasises how small Valalar seems to Isilithagardôl.
Necromancy implies a previous state of life, and how can I be a necromancer when I am death impartial?

Really impactful and quotable line to come at the end of that speech. I think it’s great to have larger-than-life characters like these confronting the main characters because it creates tension, showing just how vast the world they’re living in is. Even if ‘death’ himself doesn’t try to fight Valalar, the fact that he’s depicted here suggests there will be similarly huge challenges for the protagonists in the future.

Likewise, Ishabooru, aside from having a cool name, also has a really impactful presence. Judging by how she says “instrument”, she seems to view the elves on the level of small tools in the larger, potentially cosmic play of the world. Lines like “We have reached our final hour” also make her seem to have some kind of prophetic knowledge, which makes her otherworldly.

At the same time, both these characters have some kind of human trait to them that makes them accessible to the reader. Isilithagardôl at times seems very exasperated/ long-suffering, which is definitely relatable, while Ishabooru shows kindness here:
Ishabooru gently shook Andre; "Look." She said.


I wonder if there’s more sides to Maybelle’s character than is shown in this chapter? It might be too soon to judge, but I’m guessing it would be difficult to make a three-dimensional character out of someone who’s already dead and related to only one of the main protagonists. I can’t really read much into Maybelle other than that she’s gentle, she’s tragic and she really loves Valalar. This might not be a bad thing necessarily, if there’s going to be more focus on the other characters anyway or a huge expansive cast and we can’t afford to delve deep into everyone’s psyche. But I just happen to find that the ‘dead lover’ archetype has potential for more interesting nuances.

Themes, Character Arcs, Narrative

On a second read I was kind of surprised at the length of the scene where Valalar fights the dark future version of himself. When I first read it, it seemed to go on forever, but now it looks about the same length as the other scenes in this chapter.

From what I can see, some of the themes of the story are the corrupting influence of hatred/ wrath and mortality. Valalar seems to exemplify them both (and at this point I’m curious to see how they tie into Andre’s storyline, which I’ve yet to read, given his more mild-mannered personality).
The shadow continued unharmed and in that instant Valalar panicked.

Valalar consistently seems unable to accept events that are beyond his control, like mortality, or the powers of a deity. That seems to be what makes him so angry or fearful, depending on the situation. When he surrenders before the shadow version of himself, he seems to change that, at least for that one instant, and that’s portrayed positively in this story.

“You have succeeded in ablating the cancerous wrath towards Thunderthrore. All that remains now is the catharsis of being karma’s envoy.

I’m a bit troubled by how Ishabooru’s words seem so ‘final’ here. I feel like either she’s being a bit short-sighted (but she’s a goddess, so that would be kind of add) or this is a red herring. Somehow I just anticipated that Valalar’s character arc would coincide with the arc of the story? And it seems based on what she says that the story is far from over? Though maybe that’s on me for making too many assumptions. ^^’

Still, I like how the conflict in this scene gives food for thought. It’s not resolved in the usual way in most action fantasy stories where the protagonist has to ‘kill’ his shadow self with violence. So Valalar winning through surrender is consistent I think with the overall message against wrath.

Overall

This was an enjoyable and interesting read to dig into. Though I needed to Google a lot of new words, I really enjoyed the rhythm and sound of the prose, and I could imagine clearly most of what was happening. I also found a lot of the characters and scenes to be pretty memorable – they have a ‘stage presence’, if you will.

Hope some of this is helpful, and keep writing!
-Lim

Hello Liminality its a pleasure to frequent you again. I hope you'll forgive my brevity I like to give detailed replies to readers but I'm pretty out of it at the moment. Your review is very encouraging and thoughtful, and you've given me a lot to think about as I climb back out of my hole of inactivity. I greatly apricate it!
Best, GoodieGoat

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GoodieGoat
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GoodieGoat commented Comment · Dec 18, 2021

Hello R33SE I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work! I value the thoughts and insights of others and do my best to build on top of them to improve my writing.

I love words and oftentimes make use of a thesaurus or a dictionary. I know that can be off putting to some but my intentions are never to inflate myself with some false sense of egotism. To me words are the fundamentals people use to communicate and convey themselves and I aspire to use everything at my disposal to express myself as much as I can. Your comment about a simpler description being more appropriate in some situations is noted. Yourself and previous reviewers have brought this to my attention and I'm attempting to implement it without losing the positive aspects you said you enjoyed and I personally love to work with.

I'm also working on the voices of my characters and how to use the omniscient third person POV to improve the characterization and I'll do my best to include your thoughts about the differences between the speaking mannerisms of the characters and the narration itself.

About inspirations I take mine pretty broadly and liberally. Before writing I usually cram the media I'm taking inspiration from to embed it into my subconscious. The usage of the word 'tartarean' wasn't really influenced by any mythology and I was trying to express just how far removed Valalar had become from the surface with a fitting adjective. Octavius as a name popped into my head one day and I liked it. Generally though when I think of names the process of their creation is more deliberative. Lord of The Rings is a ginormous inspiration! Tolkien is who got me into fantasy in the first place. I make heavy usage of the websites elfdict.com and realelvish.net as resources for naming. They are great places to learn about Quenyan and Sindarin and I am grateful for them, not to mention Tolkien himself :D. Isilithagardôl is was indeed inspired by Sindarin and Quenya and the character inspired in part by Gravelord Nito from Dark Souls. Most names from earlier in the series are likewise. Ishabooru is derived from the Legend of Zelda, namely the Gerudo. As is the setting of the Kingdom of Dravidia, which is sort of the fusion of said Gerudo Desert and Medieval Levant, with the landscape a mix of the Siani Peninsula and the foothills of the East African Rift. Ishabooru's 'Holy Mountain' is loosely inspired by Ol Dionyo Lengai in Tanzania.

Thanks again for your time and encouragement. I'm sort of paralyzed at the moment with how much pressure I'm putting on myself and this is much appreciated. I hope you have a snowy and a very merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
GoodieGoat

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R33SE Review
R33SE wrote a review Review · Dec 17, 2021

Hey there GoodieGoat, R33SE here for a review!!

Disclaimer:

Spoiler
All of my reviews are based on firstly, my understanding and knowledge of technical writing, traditional prose and creative/theory writing. While I do have many, many years and thousands of hours of study and practice, understand that I am certainly not a marked professional, so some things may be more a matter of opinion.

And secondly, creative writing is no different than a painting, and is hard to judge based on any strict criteria. I simply attempt to understand your purpose for the piece, and review based on how effective you were at creating the experience for your reader that you wanted to.


Please feel free to leave feedback!! I love to have conversations about literary works and learn new things.

Hopefully you find my opinion and insight helpful in your writing journey! So without further ado, let me begin:


PROSE/RHETORIC: Image
Spoiler
Firstly I must say I am in absolute adoration of your mastery of words. I feel like I am reading a Jules Verne novel, famed for his incessant aptitude for description. Though at times it does drag on, and perhaps a more quiet and simple description would be more useful, I will say THIS is the grandiose style that is so lacking from modern writing. PEople just don't appreciate words for what they truly are, but you, my friend, most certainly do.
Femurs and humeri dangle from its chest and skulls adorned its chest and shoulders like furs.
energies unfurled from the shoulders and cloaked the thing. Valalar's mind was invaded by the memories of those whose souls made his host's cloak.
In these two lines you unfortunately double up on the usage of a word, which is a bit saddening as your surrounding text is overflowing with unique expletives and narratives. I would assume that this is a natural mistake, I do it all the time and am shocked that I do, but it's an easy fix.

GRAMMAR/STRUCTURE: Image
Spoiler
form by the will of an yet unseen
It tickled my heartstrings to see this proper, old-school grammar. It is always striking to me to see literary works that "attempt" at being archaic, ancient or fantastical yet only adhere to the grammatical rules that they like, but throughout this piece-and I'm sure the other chapters-you show the ability to stay more or less true to the styling. Appreciated.

DEVELOPMENT: Image
Spoiler
"Purpose doesn't even begin to remotely convey the unfathomed scope of this dominion."
Throughout this chapter I notice that, whenever a character is speaking, they seem to break "character" by using language that does not appear appropriately when compared to the overall styling. I could see this not being an issue IF your narrator makes specific distinctions along the way the point as to the reason why? If not, though, then perhaps reconsider and make your characters use appropriate language, cutting out things like modernized conjunctions, phrases, and grammatical loopholes?

The second thing I did notice is not so much a potential issue as it is a question; what is your world setting? I noticed words such as "Tartarean" and "Octavius" that would lead me to believe it is an ancient mythological realm similar to Greece, yet there are also other references to things such as Elves and names such as "Isilithagardôl" that have a very medieval or Lord of the Rings vibe to them. I love a good realm-meshing story that combines themes and elements to create something unique.

INFLUENCE/IMPRESSIONImage
Spoiler
"You would dare to fake hospitality all the while you exist to leech off corpses! My friend Andre spoke of a time when spells had the potency to resurrect. But then this Enemy came and debauched it into the irony of necromancy. All this time Ishabooru and Her entire kingdom rests atop one in league with it!
Chills!!! We all love a powerful monologue delivered with resounding tones, and you deliver again and again. Excepting the times I spoke of above with certain portions of dialogue not quite matching, the rest is filled with wonderful lines that seem straight out of a Lord of the Rings film. I am a huge fan of your ability to give voice to your characters, and this specifically excites me!


In conclusion;

To be honest, I probably will go back and read the other chapters which is something I generally don't do when giving a review (shhhh, don't tell anyone) simply because it is a very fun and exciting read! A refreshing respite from the drab and weary fantasies of our modern day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Hello again sorry to not reply directly to you I've been having trouble posting my replys to reviews so I usually do so to the work itself. Thanks again! :D

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GoodieGoat
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GoodieGoat commented Comment · Sep 30, 2021

Hello dear reader thank you for taking the time to read this. I wanted to mention my thoughts regarding this. I found I have gained a lot of experience writing. I found this installment to have clunkier dialogue then the other four existing ones. It also appeared to me while writing there was a lot of melodrama and a cluttering of ideas. Nevertheless I am proud of it and if you didn't enjoy it please let me know as I value feedback and constructive criticism. Moving forward I will continue to learn and apply those lessons. The next four editions will conclude the Valalar arc. Their titles are planned as "Mysteries of The Sacred Heart, Conspiracies Within A Frozen Web, The August Power; The Celestial Majesty, and Galloping Towards Storms' End."

My brain is mush and I need a break!
Until next time,
GoodieGoat

Edit: I am going to go through and proofread. I'll likely revise the resolution to make it less jarring and more becoming of the characters.



I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear