Just in case you're wondering no I haven't been dumped. It was about 2:30 am and I couldn't sleep. I hope you like this 
Secondhand lies
verse 1
I didn't see this coming,
but you still had to shock me.
It was a stab at the heart,
you know how much I hate this part.
chorus
Don't say "I'm sorry",
with no reason why.
Don't say "we can be friends",
if you won't give it a try.
Don't feed me secondhand lies,
Please, don't feed me secondhand lies.
verse 2
You say that there's nobody else.
Is that how you really felt?
Did you not see as you walked away,
The tears pouring from my eyes that day?
chorus
Don't say "I'm sorry",
with no reason why.
Don't say "we can be friends",
if you won't give it a try.
Don't feed me secondhand lies,
Please, don't feed me secondhand lies.
bridge
Just words to cushion the blow.
Break-up hurts, ya I know.
That's the only way it goes.
chorus
Don't say "I'm sorry",
with no reason why.
Don't say "we can be friends",
if you won't give it a try.
Don't feed me secondhand lies,
Please, don't feed me secondhand lies.
verse 3
I heard it from my ears,
saw it in your eyes.
From your mouth escaped,
those secondhand lies.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Rhyme:
If you really want the song to rhyme, maybe change up the rhyme scheme a little. It doesn't have to be the same pattern throughout the entire song. Change it up a little.
. Try to bring something new to it. A lot of songs are written about love and break ups so it's important to try to bring some new feelings or new experiences to it.
I thought the rhyme was a little forced. Remember, songs do not have to rhyme. I'm not much of a rhymesmith myself but maybe you just really like rhyming things, I don't know.
Also, some of the rhymes sounded a little forced to me. Try not to force rhymes. Just let the words flow naturally. If it ends up rhyming, it rhymes. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Examples of when I felt it sounded forced: 'heart and part', 'else and felt', 'away and day', 'blow and know'. They just sound kind of...juvenile, I don't know if that's the right word, but I think you understand what I'm saying.
Rhythm:
Maybe you can, I don't know, but I couldn't hear this song at all in my head. It just felt like a poem to me. It flowed pretty well but some lines felt a little long and didn't fit in with the rhythm. Again, this could of just been the way I was reading it. If it flows well and sounds good to you, then that's awesome.
Topic:
Classic topic
Overall:
Overall, good concept and a good start. Maybe try to make the stanzas a little longer and maybe add some more.
Sorry if I seemed kind of harsh, you've got a good start here!
PM me if you have any questions or need anything!
-Carly
I should premise this by saying that anything poetic is not my forte. I don't really read it or write it. Not usually my thing. So I'm no expert, or even amateur at that.
Anyway, I really like this. It seems very Kelly Clarkson, you know, back when she was angry all the time. Is she still angry? I can't remember. But I digress... I can find some truth in it and kind of relate, but at the same time it doesn't hit too close to home. That's something I generally like in my angry music. It's broad enough to pertain to me, but not so specific as to smack me in the face. The whole secondhand lies thing is great too. I like that phrase, and it's used well here.
Overall, good job. I expect an edgy, bitter rock/dance track to be released, followed by a mellowed down accoustic version. Haha.