Chapter Five
I’m Coming With You
Sheanna woke after a good night’s sleep; well, a good night’s sleep considering the day she had had before it.
Sheanna yawned and stretched. It took a few moments for her to feel the cold air rushing from the glassless window. It froze her movements, immediately making her retreat back into her covers, not wanting to come out.
When Sheanna looked around the first thought that came into her head was, Where am I? Why is my room so fancy? And why is the window open? Wait, where’s the glass on my window? Where are the posters on my wall, the bookshelves, my coat hanger . . . ?
But yesterday, all the memories, all the fear, all the excitement, all the knowledge came flooding back. Her mind roared at her in anger that she could ever forget a day like that, even for a moment. It was a long time before it quieted again so Sheanna could hear some of the last words she had heard that night: “What about your father? He is really the king of the elves?”
Is he? Sheanna asked herself. “Yes, your father was said to be prince of something insignificant, like the dwarfs or the centaurs or something of that sort.”
It hurt Sheanna that her best friend knew more about her father than she did. She sat under the covers, feeling sorry for herself again, but then another thought occurred to her.
“You’re setting out tomorrow, then?”
“Yes, when the sun’s just about risen.”
Sheanna jumped from her bed in such a frenzy she fell onto the floor, tangled in her bedspread. She moaned as she picked herself up and peered out the window.
The sky was still dark; the night was still touching it, its black fingers still keeping the sun from shining.
I don’t care what she says, I’m going, thought Sheanna stubbornly, and stumbled to her wardrobe.
Dresses. Hadn’t Sheanna’s heart filled with excitement at the mere thought of wearing such beautiful, delicately made dresses? But now all Sheanna could think of was how hard it would be to ride in them.
And I can’t wear these clothes again. She looked down at the jeans and t-shirt she had on and remembered the look everyone had given her.
Sheanna changed into a dress that was a dark red, soft and velvet, and so long it hid her feet. When Sheanna changed into it and looked in the mirror she felt like a whole different person. She thought for a second that maybe that’s what dresses did; maybe that’s why Vanessa looked different before.
She looked so pale in such a dark colored dress, but it was cold out and that was the sort of things people here wore. She looked at her hair, her eyes, her skin, and felt light, so light that she might just disappear into thin air at any second.
Sheanna decided to keep her jeans on. It would be terribly hard trying to ride in a dress without pants, and besides, the dress reached to the floor. She folded her pink shirt and slid it gently under the bed, scared that if she put it in the wardrobe someone would find it.
Sheanna still had her Hershey’s Kiss and cell phone in her pocket. It was still a mystery to her why it hadn’t melted yet, and the only explanation came in a sharp, deep memory: there was magic here.
Sheanna didn’t want to eat her chocolate yet. It came from another world, one she might not be experiencing again for a long time, and she was positive Hershey’s Kisses hadn’t been invented here yet.
Sheanna was just about to head downstairs when wiggled her cold toes, so freezing they were already numb. She had forgotten shoes.
She ran back to the wardrobe and searched in it for shoes. The only thing she found was a large pair of black boots, and she put it on gratefully, glad she wasn’t here in summer.
Unfortunately the sun was eager to rise and was pressing against the night’s black fingers quicker than Sheanna would have liked. She rushed down in the corridor with a torch in her hand, looking for the breakfast hall, and whenever she passed a window she whispered out to the sun, “Please don’t rise just yet! I’m not ready yet!”
It was a while before Sheanna found the breakfast hall, but when she did she let out a breath of relief. The sun was rising very slowly, as if actually considering Sheanna’s words.
The breakfast hall was large. Even though the light was very dim (as it seemed everywhere; did everyone here have better eyesight than in her world?) Sheanna could see a huge table stretching from one side of the hall to the other, apparently set for breakfast, but no one was eating. In fact, no people were even in sight. This thought worried Sheanna greatly, so she ran as fast as she could to the table and reached out towards the middle, shoving the fruit from the bowl in her pockets as furiously as she could without breaking them. Her heart sagged a little when she saw that she could only carry one peach without her dress looking disoriented. She returned the other fruit and walked, somewhat slowly, towards the window.
The sun was just about in the sky. I’m going to miss them, she thought, and turned to find the door to take her outside.
It wasn’t hard to find the door that lead to outside, and when she did she let out a breath of relief. Unfortunately, though, the castle was huge and they weren’t setting off in the particular place the door had taken her to. She ran around outside, frantically trying to find them. Every now and again she glared at the sky. Perhaps that’s why we from the real world can’t see as well as the others, Sheanna mused, because we’re always glaring at the sun.
Finally Sheanna heard the horses and the guards and the maids whispering just around one of the edges of the castle. She tried sneaking over but the gravel crunched under her boots and a guard called, “Who goes there?”
“Day Dreamer, Princess of the West!” Sheanna replied, and she revealed herself reluctantly.
Sheanna saw the horses she had heard standing there—only horses of light colors—there were a few white horses, a few yellow horses, and one light brown horse.
Vanessa had mounted a white horse and had been looking around at the commotion until Sheanna walked over. She looked down at her, her expression a grimace. When the guards saw the way Vanessa glared at Sheanna they rose their weapons, but Vanessa impatiently waved the weapons down.
“What are you doing here?” she asked harshly.
“I told you, I’m coming with you.” Sheanna stood up as confidently as she could, but when her eyes rested on the guards around Vanessa her confidence almost crumbled.
“Mercy!” shouted Vanessa, and immediately Mercy appeared. Sheanna noticed she was wearing the same exact thing as she had the day before, and her feet were bare, just as they had been the day before. The only difference in her appearance was a large hat that looked like it belonged to a joker of some sort.
“Yes, ma’am?” She looked at Sheanna just as she had yesterday, except when she looked at her clothes there was not confusion in her eyes but longing.
“Escort Princess Day Dream back to her room.”
“No!” Sheanna’s stubbornness scared her. “I’m coming with you, and that’s final.”
Mercy flinched as if Sheanna had hit her and slowly stepped among the other maids and servants. There were quite a lot of them. Were they all coming?
Sheanna ignored Vanessa’s shouts of protest and mounted a white horse with black spots on it. Sheanna beckoned the horse to stand beside Vanessa’s.
“I told you, I’m coming with you.” Sheanna decided to try begging, since stubbornness had failed convincing Vanessa. “Come on. What do you think is going to happen?”
Vanessa tried not to look into her eyes, because at Sheanna’s begging she would have given in. Sheanna persisted staring at Vanessa with her begging face until she finally looked. She sighed, the slouching of her shoulders signaling her defeat. “Mercy! Go get more guards. We’ll need more protection.”
“Right away, ma’am,” she said, and scurried off. Sheanna smiled proudly as she watched Mercy leave.
The other guards mounted their horses. There had been much more guards than Sheanna had expected, and she realized something . . . the other maidservants were not here to accompany Vanessa; they were here to bid their husbands farewell.
There were many tears and blessings that Sheanna heard. Some weren’t even in her language. By the time they had finished saying goodbye Mercy had come back with twenty guards.
Five of them weren’t needed and returned, unwillingly, to the castle. The rest mounted their horses.
One of the maidservants helped Mercy mount the light brown horse. When Sheanna saw Mercy look at the maidservant there were tears in her eyes.
“Hey, Mer, it’ll be okay,” whispered the maidservant, pushing Mercy’s hair out of her eyes and behind her ear. “Just stay close to your Father and everything will be alright, okay?”
Mercy nodded slowly and wiped her tears away. “Why can’t you come too?” she asked, but something in her voice said she already knew the answer.
“Because I have to stay here and cook and clean and all those fun chores.” The woman smiled, apparently trying to make Mercy laugh. “The only reason you’re only going is because you’re Victoria’s favorite servant. Now be careful, you’ll be going through some scary places, and just keep close to Father. He’s an excellent guard, as you know.” The maidservant smiled at her, wiping a new tear off her cheek.
“Okay, Mother,” she said softly. “I’ll be back soon.”
They exchanged a kiss before the lady stepped among the other maidservants bidding the men farewell.
The woman waved as they rode off. Sheanna smiled back at them as they called things out like, “Be careful!” “Keep your eyes open!” “I shall see you home soon!” “Make sure to eat plenty and rest plenty!”
Miss had said that to Sheanna often enough, but she had always had dreams where Miss had said it to her father. And what about Miss? Would she be mad she was leaving?
Sheanna wasn’t exactly sure why she was leaving. She told herself it was to be with Vanessa, but it wasn’t. She spent all her time hanging out with Vanessa in her other life. It would be fine if Vanessa went on a journey on her own.
Maybe Sheanna didn’t want to miss out on the adventure, or maybe it was that one little hope that had been nagging at the back of her mind as soon as she had fallen into this world; maybe her father was here.
She knew it could be possible, now more than she had before; she had heard two people talking about her father as if they had seen him recently. How much she longed to see him! She was praying to see him, praying and praying and praying. She knew that when everyone spoke of him they used past tense, she knew that the last time anyone had seen him was a long time ago, she knew that he was the king of something that nobody knew its whereabouts or his whereabouts . . . but she still had that hope. The candle in her heart had been lit, and the light of it went to all the corners of her heart.
Even though the wind was freezing enough to ruin someone’s day, Sheanna was happy. The part of the forest they were riding through had a nice path leading them, and the sky was now yellow as the sun rose. The cold wind stung her face but the warmth in her heart made up for that.
What a beautiful horse she was riding, too! The horse took every step carefully as if avoiding an invisible trap on the ground, and it held its head high enough so it didn’t look like it was sulking but also low enough so it didn’t look as if it were snobby.
Sheanna looked around at everyone. The guards were wearing brightly polished silver mail, and it clanked with every step their horses took. Their weapons were in their sheathes, and the few who had bows or crossbows had those on their backs.
Sheanna looked at the mail the men were wearing and wondered if it were cold. She knew that if you put your hand on a piece of metal in the cold air it would surely be freezing, so wouldn’t those just be a frozen chamber?
Sheanna felt as if she and Vanessa were the only ones warm. The horses might have been warm, too, having riders on them and having so many blankets piled on top before the saddle went on. It was a wonder with all those blankets that the saddle didn’t merely slip off.
Sheanna kept looking behind her at Mercy, but Mercy never returned her glance. She was always looking up at the sky, or down at the ground, or into the surrounding woods.
Mercy, though, looked freezing. Her short-sleeved maid dress only came down to her knees, and she kept on pulling her hat down, as if she would feel warmer that way.
It was lunch time before they finally stopped to rest. They stopped to rest on the right side of the path, in the forest.
Nine of the guards went out to hunt for food, and five of the others went to assist Vanessa and make her a place to sit for lunch.
No one took notice as little Mercy tried to get down off her horse without breaking her neck, so Sheanna helped her.
“Thanks,” Mercy murmured.
“Your welcome,” said Sheanna. Sheanna couldn’t stop herself from asking, “Before, when we were leaving, was that your mother?”
Mercy simply nodded. The two walked in silence into the forest near where Vanessa was situated. Sheanna sat down promptly and beckoned Mercy over. She took her in her arms, sharing her warm dress with her.
“Thanks,” Mercy chattered.
“Of course,” answered Sheanna, and then questioned, “Are you hungry?”
When Mercy nodded Sheanna brought the peach out from underneath her dress. “Will you look at that? A peach!”
Mercy smiled at her and thanked her again when Sheanna put the peach in her little hands.
Mercy leaned her head on Sheanna’s shoulder as she bit into her peach, curled up in her lap. Sheanna hugged her tighter for warmth.
They sat in silence for a long time, waiting for something, but Sheanna wasn’t sure what. When the men finally returned from hunting and Mercy jumped to life, Sheanna realized they had been waiting for lunch.
Mercy wiggled out of Sheanna’s arms and ran up to one of the men, a considerably tall one with dark, mysterious eyes and curly dark hair to match.
“Father! Look what I’ve got! I’ve got a peach, Father!” Mercy tugged anxiously on his mail as if it were a dress and held up her peach which only had a few bites taken out of it.
“That’s nice.” He didn’t spare Mercy a glance, but patted her head before walking over to the men who had put been with Vanessa and began a conversation with them.
If that had been Sheanna’s father, she would have been thoroughly disappointed, but Mercy smiled as if she had had an hour long conversation with him.
She marched back to Sheanna, proud.
“What’s your father’s name?” Sheanna asked.
“Mikel,” answered Mercy, love twinkling in every grain of her cute little eyes as she glanced at him talking to the other guards.
Sheanna saw how happy Mercy was over her father and looked at her hands wordlessly. What if her father was the same way? She definitely wouldn’t be happy. But what if she hadn’t seen her father in a long time, a very long time, and he acted that way? Would she be grateful just to have him with her?
Mercy made herself comfortable in Sheanna’s lap once again, and Sheanna’s only response was wrapping her arms around her. Mercy was thoroughly adorable, even if she was only Mercy’s maids.
It wasn’t long before they both were reminded of that. “Mercy!” Vanessa’s voice cut through the silence like a knife.
Immediately Mercy jumped up and ran to her. Sheanna heard her say, “Yes, ma’am?”
Sighing, Sheanna stood and pushed some leaves off her dress. She looked around. There were so many guards everywhere, swarming around as if they never slept, never ate, like they were immortal.
Sheanna took a glance around. The guards had brought back a boar, and everyone was happily digging into that, but Sheanna didn’t hungry. Her stomach churned at the mere thought of what it took to bring down that boar, so Sheanna decided to explore.
Sheanna wasn’t exactly sure why she wanted to explore. Something inside of her told her to, something in a harsh whisper, and maybe it was the reminder of her longing for adventure. If you were going to be caught in a magical world, might as well have some fun, right?
She tried sneaking out. She guessed quickly that Vanessa nor the guards would not approve of it, so she casually looked at the sky, pretending to examine a rock here, a tree here, a twig lying on the ground over there until she got closer to the path. She was just about to run for it when one of the guards stopped her.
“Where are you going, Princess?” It was Mikel.
His voice wasn’t deep or high, just regular, and he sounded very young, even though his face looked much too old and wise. Sheanna only gave him a quick glance.
“I’m going out to explore.” Sheanna didn’t know why, but she disliked Mikel’s concern for her. Perhaps it was because it seemed he had more concern for her than for his own daughter.
“I’d vote against that, Princess,” replied Mikel. “It’s very dangerous, you wouldn’t believe the animals we saw hunting!”
Sheanna almost didn’t go just because he had said that, but she had a point to prove. “I’m going nevertheless.” She stepped towards the path and saw out of the corner of her eye Mikel follow her. “Alone.”
“Princess, I’d—”
“Vote against it. I know, I know.” Sheanna didn’t even look at him as she stepped on the path. “I’ll be back soon.”
Sheanna didn’t go any further until she was sure Mikel had walked off. Then she looked down at the deep red path.
She hadn’t looked at it when she was riding. It was one of the darkest reds she had ever seen, and it matched the trees, as if it was a lake rather than a path that only reflected the surrounding area.
Sheanna looked both ways, and then walked into the left side of the forest.
It was as empty as if nothing had ever been in there. It was so very silent, so silent that when the wind rustled the leaves or when a branch broke underneath her feet Sheanna jumped.
But it was empty. So was Mikel just trying to scare her before?
Sheanna grew bored of the left side quickly, and just as she was about to head back she heard a sound.
Boing, boing, boing.
What was that?
Boing, boing, boing.
Sheanna looked around curiously but cautiously.
Boing, boing, boing.
Sheanna followed the sound, tentatively, until she finally came near it.
Just behind this tree, she thought.
Boing, boing, boing.
Sheanna picked up a rock from the forest floor and held it for protection before she walked around the tree.
It was a boy. He looked around her age—fifteen, maybe sixteen. He was slightly tall and very slim.
He had dark brown hair that fell over his face calmly and dark green eyes. His skin was tan, and he looked as if he had spent a lot of time in the sun.
Boing, boing, boing.
He held in his hand a small, pink ball. He threw it against the trees where it bounced, then on a rock, and then on the forest floor in front of him. He bent down to pick it up and continued throwing it.
He did this many times when Sheanna stood there, so when he finally spoke Sheanna was surprised he was even aware of her presence. His eyes never strayed from the ball even when he spoke; they seemed content on looking at the ball.
“It’s an odd little thing, this ball,” he said, throwing the ball against the trees again. “I’ve never met anything as faithful as this. It always bounces back. And it’s made of a material I’ve never seen before; perhaps you know what it’s made of?”
Only then did he look up at Sheanna. She saw his eyes shining with hope and curiosity, and Sheanna looked away, involuntarily turning red.
“Um, sure,” she said, and held out her hand. But the boy didn’t give her the ball, only held it in front of her face.
Sheanna touched the ball and smiled.
“What are you smiling about? Do you believe that I’m stupid for not knowing what it’s made of?” the boy accused.
“No! No, not at all. It’s made of a substance called, ‘Rubber’.”
“Rubber. What an interesting name.”
The boy looked at the ball in his hands curiously then bounced the ball a few more times before Sheanna asked, “What’s your name?”
“Sedare.”
“Sedare. What an interesting name,” said Sheanna.
Sedare laughed. “I like you. What do they call you?”
“Day Dreamer,” replied Sheanna, again turning red. She sheepishly hid the rock behind her back. She apparently wasn’t going to throw it at him.
“I see,” he said. “Come from the West Side, then?”
“Um, yes.” Sheanna didn’t know how he would know that, and then guessed that maybe people from the West Side had names that had to do with personalities.
He bounced the ball a few more times before looking Sheanna over as if just noticing she was standing there. Sheanna took the same opportunity to look him over.
He was pretty much in rags. His shirt looked as if it was made of potato sacks and had many patches in it, as if he had mended it many times before. His short pants were no different.
He didn’t have shoes on, and though his clothes told others he was poor he looked clean as if he had taken a bath recently.
When he was done looking Sheanna over, he turned away and bounced his ball again.
“Whose daughter are you?” he asked.
Sheanna responded softly, “Princess Reminisce’s.”
“Ah. A princess’ daughter.” He retrieved his ball and threw it up in the air. “What a lovely fairytale. What’s it like?”
“What’s what like?” Sheanna watched him catch the pink ball flawlessly before throwing it up again.
He smiled. “Being a princess’ child.”
“I- . . . I don’t know,” replied Sheanna sheepishly.
“Someone’s very descriptive.” Sedare caught his ball and pocketed it, turning to Sheanna.
“Well . . . I haven’t exactly always been the princess’ daughter.” Sheanna picked her words carefully, but even so she knew they were wrong.
“Oh? So one day you just decided to become Reminisce’s daughter?” Sedare laughed. “This just keeps getting better and better!”
“Stop it!” Sheanna said a little too sternly, and then turned red. “No, one day I did not just decide to become her daughter.”
“Again, your amazing description is leaving me in awe!” Sedare shook his head, smiling.
“Sedare,” Sheanna said softly, “do you want to hear a story?”
Sedare gave her a skeptical look. “If I didn’t do you think I’d be bothering you?”
Sheanna smiled.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Aushy, I finished reading chapter 5, but I forgot to review…oops!
*huggles for being so late*
Plot
Okay, you know I have to mention…OMG, looong. But that’s not so much the problem here. The second half of the chapter feels rather bare. You could give us so much more detail and action…and maybe even make it a chapter all its own.
Characters
Sedare is a dreamboat and I wanted to touch on him, to make sure you remember a few things about cute boys creeping in the woods. First off…*flips through notebook*…I don’t have any notes on cute boys creeping in the woods…sorry.
But actually, he sounds very unique. Just make sure he stays that way. His dialogue isn’t too fluffy which is good. Don’t lose that blunt quality in his dialogue or the very curious nature that he appears to have. It’s…adorable.
Style
Now you know I don’t nitpick but there are many places where the phrasing is awkward and rather clumsy. Remember to go back over the story, read it aloud to yourself, and listen for the mistakes. This way you’ll hear how funny some of the wording might sound. Better yet, have a friend read it once for you. We often miss mistakes in our own writing because we think we are reading what it says when in fact, we’re reading what we meant to say in the first place.
*runs off to do chapter 6*
Huge, huge, huge apologies for lateness.
Anyway.
Thoughts...plural? As there's more than one?
Yeah...see how you start those paragraphs all with her name, and I think one or two others, as well? In a row? That's a lot of repetition. They're awfully short paragraphs as well, which is okay, but for variance's sake you could melt two or three together: like the part about chocolate could be one paragraph. At least use some pronouns. Sheanna's alone, so we know who you're talking about when you say 'she'.
I love, love, love how you use words, though. Sheanna felt so light, dresses make Vanessa look different, the sun rising slowly, the night's black fingers...it's gorgeous.
...one of Vanessa's maids?
I would make this into one paragraph; it's all his description so it makes no sense to divide it up like this.
Punctuation inside the quotations!!!!!!!!!!!! <---and yes, the extra !'s were totally necessary. 'Rubber.'"
OMG. Sedare is excellent. I adore him. I also adore how you give such a wonderful insight into Sheanna's thoughts/emotions, which I think I've said before, but I always have trouble with it so I'm extra appreciative. I feel like I know her very well.
Keep on keepin' on, dear.
-Mars