z

Young Writers Society



As The Clock Strikes Twelve [4]

by GoldenQuill


Chapter Four

Notch’s News

“Vanessa?” Sheanna was the first to force words out of her mouth.

“Sheanna?”

The two stood there, eyes wide and locked on each other.

You’re the Princess of the West?” Sheanna knew she probably shouldn’t of said those words, but no others came to her.

“No, I’m the Princess of the East, but they had to get me to come here to take care of this castle since no one else could.” Vanessa tilted her head and looked at Sheanna questioningly.

Miss and Notch both straightened up. Notch opened her mouth to say something, but Miss quieted her.

Sheanna looked Vanessa over, trying to understand. She was sitting there in a long, purple gown, covered with threads of gold here and there. Looking into Vanessa’s clear blue eyes she could see a flash of the child that had played in the dirt with her and refused to wear dresses; but then it faded into this unreal picture. Sheanna convinced herself that she was dreaming.

It seemed silent in the room, despite the maid’s gossiping. They all seemed glad of this distraction; the Princess didn’t seem to notice what they were doing, so they did the one thing Vanessa hated most. Sheanna could again see a flash of Vanessa while looking into her eyes; this flash of her nearly beating up a boy who had spread rumors about her. But again it faded into this girl, standing before her. Sheanna wasn’t sure if she knew her anymore.

“What’s going on?” Sheanna had almost forgotten about Notch; but Notch made her presence clear. “Why are you two looking at each other like this? We have important matters to discuss and we can’t just stand here staring the day away!”

Victoria jerked out of her reverie, and looked away from Sheanna. Apparently she had been as lost in her thoughts as Sheanna had.

Instead of turning to Notch, though, she turned to Miss. “Are you Princess Reminisce?” At Miss’ nod, Vanessa bowed. It took Sheanna a few seconds to realize she had only ever introduced the two once in the five years she had known her, and Vanessa had been ten then.

“Don’t bow your head to me,” said Miss, in a slightly ashamed tone.

Victoria raised her head slowly and looked at her with an unspoken question in her eyes. If she had wanted to speak, though, Notch beat her to it.

“Why shouldn’t she bow your head to you? She’s done so much damage here, and finally there’s a savior to come and help us!” Exasperation enunciated every word she spoke. “She should be grateful beyond understanding!”

Miss didn’t reply and looked down, guilty. She tried to get away without saying anything, but everyone gazed at her so curiously she finally spoke.

“It’s just I’ve been gone for so long from this kingdom,” Miss replied slowly, as if knowing picking the wrong words could lead to disaster. “I don’t think I deserve a head bowing yet.”

“Oh, yes,” murmured Notch. “Yes, of course. Now how did you get away with abandoning us again?” There was no sharp edge in Notch’s words.

“We’ll talk about that later, when the sun is here to listen to us as well.” Miss’ voice sounded far wearier than it had back at the house. “Both my daughter and I have traveled a long way, and we’d both love to get to bed.”

Sheanna gave Miss a look. No, I don’t want to go to bed! her eyes cried. No, I want to stay awake and explore the kingdom with my best friend. I want something to be familiar! But then Sheanna realized that nothing was familiar, still; Vanessa was not the same girl who refused to wear dresses and would enjoy soiling all the pretty dresses her mother had bought her. Feeling quite alone, Sheanna looked down.

“Yes, bed,” muttered Vanessa, as if such a thought was almost impossible. “Right, I’ll have one of my—or, um, one of your maids to show you to your room. Noise!” Noise turned so quickly her dress flew around her, and the glare she gave Vanessa was so terrible that Sheanna shuddered. “Show Princess Reminisce to the highest quality guest room we have.”

Noise, grumbling, turned away from the maids she was gossiping with and waved Miss to follow her impatiently.

“Come along, Sheanna,” said Miss wearily, following Noise.

But Sheanna edged towards Vanessa, looking cautious.

“I didn’t ask Noise to take Sheanna with her for a reason,” Vanessa replied sharply. “I have to talk with her about something. She’ll join you shortly.”

Miss opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it, not sure what to say. Noise grasped Miss’ arm as if she were a prisoner and dragged her along.

“Princess Victoria, I’ve actually come here to talk to you too.” Notch only spoke up Miss had left with Noise. “It’s very important, and very, very urgent.” Notch eyed Sheanna, as if the news might be vitiated by her presence.

“Yes, yes of course. . .” Vanessa’s voice trailed off and she looked outside one of her large, glassless windows. Even in this world the night was black. The moonlight daintily sparkled its glow over everything; trees, houses, the grass that looked as if it had already been painted with dew. It even revealed a cat black as the night itself, slinking around the houses to supposedly look for a mouse or some other small animal to chase.

“I said urgent, Princess,” Notch said to jolt Vanessa out of daze.

“Hm? Oh, yes, of course. Where should we discuss this?”

Notch looked around at the busy room with disapproval. “Anywhere quiet and without any people.”

“Great. The library it is.” Vanessa slowly rose from the chair she was sitting in. A maid rushed to help her down the steps that were leading to the ground and a few more came and straightened her dress out. A few maids had overheard she was going to the library and went off to find some guards to guard the library door. When the guards had come and the two maidservants that went everywhere Vanessa did, Vanessa turned and held out her hand to Sheanna. “Are you coming, Sheanna?”

Notch looked as if she where going to speak against it, but bit her tongue. Sheanna slowly reached for Vanessa’s hand. It was hard to think of her as the same friend who had thrown water balloons at her and sprayed the hose at her when she saw the maids catering to her every whim.

So they walked down the dark hall again, but this time Sheanna felt safer; whether it was because the reassurance of her closest friend being here or the strong guards that even shooed the spiders away she couldn’t tell. Sheanna’s eyes wandered and fell on the maids whose gaze was on her and smiled at them.

Sheanna couldn’t believe the age differences. One of them was maybe seven, maybe eight, with long brown hair and light brown eyes that sparkled with zest. There was a slight hop in her steps, almost as if she was skipping. She had a large maid’s dress on that was much too big for her, and her left hand was stationed on her hip to keep it from sliding down. She smiled shyly back at Sheanna.

The other looked much different. Her red hair was pulled back into a short ponytail, and her dark brown eyes looked cold, hard, closed. She had a maid’s dress on, almost identical to the little girl’s except hers was much too tight. She interrogated Sheanna with her eyes, staring her down as if she had killed someone she knew. Sheanna looked away quickly, and throughout the long walk through the chamber tried not to make eye contact with either of the maids.

Finally they made it to the library. Sheanna had sometimes closed her eyes and imagined what the library in Beauty and the Beast looked like, but now she was sure she knew. There were bookshelves everywhere, even atop the windows, which were, like their sisters back in the room were Sheanna had seen Vanessa, glassless. So many books, so very many were stacked in the bookshelves erectly. A few tables scattered the room that held books on it, all stacked up in a somewhat orderly manner. It took all of Sheanna’s strength to not run out and stroke the book’s spines, not to go from book to book and look and examine every one as if it were her job.

Vanessa seemed to be looking at Sheanna’s face as if waiting for this reaction, and when she saw it she smiled in a pleased manner.

The doors slammed behind them and Sheanna jumped. For a minute she was scared that it was some sort of trap, but Vanessa’s face seemed unchanged, so Sheanna could assume the guards closed the door just a little too firmly.

“Come along, then.” Vanessa weaved her way through the bookshelves to five crimson red chairs surrounding a coffee table with books stacked on them. Vanessa sat at the head table and patted a seat out for Sheanna. Sheanna smiled when she saw she was sitting on Vanessa’s right side.

Notch looked at the left seat as if she had never seen anything more disgraceful. Finally she brushed a speck of dirt off the seat that wasn’t even there and sat on the edge of it, making sure her body was erect and tall even though she was a short woman. The maidservants each took their places in the remaining chairs, and the redhead again glared at her in such a way that Sheanna shifted uncomfortably and scooted to the back of her chair.

“So, you bring news for me?” asked Vanessa when they all were situated.

Notch looked at the maidservants and then at Sheanna as if she couldn’t tell the news with them in the room, but once she realized they weren’t leaving her eyes rested again on Vanessa.

“Well, Princess, I bring some urgent news from your kingdom. Some news you might not want to hear.” Notch made sure to speak slowly, as if speaking to fast might ruin the words.

Vanessa didn’t even reply, but tried to look unchanged, but her fingers began to mess with the edge of her sleeve. She had always done that when she was uneasy; messed with something.

“It’s from Athena.” Notch’s voice faltered, and she looked at the ground for a minute as if it were more important than the news she brought after all, but all too quickly she looked back up at Vanessa and continued. “Her exact words were: ‘Your mother is getting older and older, but her love of adventure has become more of an obsession in her growing age. Last night she captured a bear, something many of her men probably wouldn’t have done, even if commanded’.” Notch paused as if for a comment, but when she received none she went on, “‘She refuses to settle down, and if she doesn’t we both know what’s going to happen’.” Notch paused for dramatic effect. “‘We need you home, Victoria. When will you be home?’”

“Soon,” spoke Vanessa as if Athena herself were talking. “Notch, why do you tell me this as if it’s a crisis? I can go home now, Princess Reminisce is back. And she’s brought our new Princess, too.” Vanessa grabbed Sheanna’s hand and squeezed it.

“I’m not finished.” Notch’s voice held every ounce of fear. But it held the empty, desolate kind of fear. “‘Victoria,’ she told me to tell you, ‘they want to throw her off her throne. They’ve heard what she’s doing, that she’s going out at night. You should have heard them! They believe she’s irresponsible, and that all their problems are because she’s spending more time pursuing her adventures to help the kingdom. They can throw her off her throne, Victoria. Victoria, I know you’re so young, but the people of the West seem to listen to you, and though the people of the East love me, they love me too much. They’d not love me enough to listen to me; they’d love me enough to go against me so that I’d have the throne. Victoria, I know I could be on the throne and do well, but I simply couldn’t live with myself to see the look on my aunt’s face when she heard she was being removed from the throne!

“‘Victoria, help me. Come talk to these people. Please, Victoria, you must.’”

Vanessa looked away from Notch and looked at the sleeve on her dress. When she spoke it seemed like she was speaking to the sleeve rather than to Notch. “How long ago did you get that message?”

Notch didn’t respond at once. “Eight weeks,” she finally said.

Vanessa looked up immediately and gave Notch such a look she turned red.

“Well! I had to travel all the way from our meeting place to here, in my old age nevertheless! It was lucky I knew all the secret tunnels, or it would have taken much longer. But I had to climb down through all the mountains to go into the stupid little never-ending tunnels which had quick-sand tunnels every three feet. Do you think that was easy?”

The redhead maid stood and looked at Vanessa as if asking her if she could get one of the guards to show Notch some sense, but Vanessa shook her head so slightly that Sheanna thought she just was glancing over at the maid. The redhead understood, though, and returned to her seat somewhat regretfully.

“Alright, alright. I’ll set out tomorrow morning.” Vanessa’s voice seemed so solemn that Sheanna almost cried. What’s so great about this world? she thought. So far everyone has been depressed or anxious or something else terrible. How could a world be so great if it’s so, so depressing?

“Alright. So I suppose that’s the only news you have for me?” Vanessa looked up at Notch, folding her hands and placing them on her lap in a very calm matter, as if they were talking about the weather rather than the peasants threatening to take the throne away from her mother.

“Yes,” muttered Notch, then looked at the maids as if just noticing they were in the room. “Well, what are you two sitting there as stiff as if someone’s stoned you for? Come on, show me my room!”

The younger one jumped up immediately, and upon seeing the redhead didn’t move motioned rapidly for the redhead to follow her. Finally the redhead rose, glared at Notch, and murmured, “Right this way, madam.” As Notch left the room she held her head high as if she, not Vanessa or Sheanna, was the princess.

“Anna,” Victoria called after the redhead, a thought occurring to her, “after you show Notch her room, you are relieved of duty.”

The redhead’s mood increased greatly, and she smiled at even Sheanna.

“What about me?” asked the younger one. “Can I go to bed after I help Anna? Please, Princess?”

It seemed as if it pained Victoria to say, “I’m sorry, Mercy, but someone will have to show Sheanna her room. Then you’ll be relieved. Come here after you’re done with Notch. And don’t hurry back.”

Mercy nodded, and smiled sheepishly at the two before following Anna out. When the door closed behind them, it seemed to slam and echo in the empty room.

Sheanna let out a breath, feeling relieved of having to stay composed. She jumped up, letting herself wander to the nearest section there was. For a moment Sheanna forgot Vanessa was in the room, and she finally let her fingers run along the spines of the books. How beautiful they all were! If only she understood the letters on the spines . . . was this in Chinese?

“You’re in the Japanese section,” laughed Vanessa, standing up and leading her through the bookshelf. “This is the English section.”

“They speak Japanese here?” Sheanna didn’t look at Vanessa as she spoke, reading the spines of the book and letting her fingers rest on each one individually.

“Yes.” Vanessa laughed again. “Where did you think all these people came from? They’re all immigrants from the real world. Well, that’s how they started out. Then they just became natives here. Like your mom, for example.” Vanessa walked down the bookshelf and pulled out a large leather book. “Your mother is a native here.” She ran her fingers along the print on one of the pages. “Your great great great great great great great grandmother came from the ‘real’ world.”

“My mother is a native here?” Sheanna walked over to Vanessa, glancing at the book, and was surprised to find her own family tree. She followed her fingers until she found her mother. Sekala, Reminisce. Ashmen, Daniel, read the page with her parent’s names. There was an empty spot where their child would be put.

“Yes. See so for yourself.” Vanessa handed Sheanna the book and walked to a table placed behind them. She pulled out a drawer and slowly picked up an inkwell out of the heart of the drawer. She took a quill out too, and using the quill she stirred the ink.

“Yes, she is. And so is your father. They’re both very famous.” Vanessa looked inside the dark inkwell impatiently. “Yes, your father was said to be prince of something insignificant, like the dwarfs or the centaurs or something of that sort. But your mother . . . well, she was born in the castle as a princess. But the best thing was that it didn’t matter what your father ruled over, he was a prince all the same, so your mother was allowed to marry him. It was quite touching, really. He was in love with her, but she didn’t really fancy him. But one day she was in trouble and he came to rescue her.” Vanessa stopped to look in the inkwell again, and nodded in satisfaction. She then dipped the quill in the inkwell and wrote something on a scrap piece of paper and nodded again. “Then she fell in love with him and they disappeared shortly after their daughter was born.”

Vanessa took the book from Sheanna and bent over it with her quill. “Do they have a name for you here yet?”

“Yes,” Sheanna replied softly. “They call me ‘Day Dreamer’.”

“Ooh. What a lovely name.” Vanessa scribbled down Ashmen, Day Dreamer in the place for their daughter’s name to be. “There you go. You are now ‘added in history’.”

“I feel honored,” replied Sheanna, smiling. But all too quickly the smile disappeared from her face. “Are you a native here too?”

“No,” replied Vanessa softly. “But my father was. He lived here in Akea all his life until one day he was accidentally transported into our world. There he met my mother. They fell in love, got married, had a daughter . . . but my father still had a job to do, so every now and again I’m forced to come back here.”

“And your mother too? She apparently likes this world?” Sheanna remembered all too well Notch’s words. Your mother is getting older and older, but her love of adventure has become more of an obsession in her growing age.

“Oh, no, she’s never come here. The queen is my Dad’s first wife. He was married before he ended up in this world. He, um, never told my mother about his other wife. In this world it’s alright to have more than one wife.” Vanessa blew on the ink to let it dry.

“Did your mother ever find out about his other wife? I mean, is that the reason for the . . . ?” Sheanna didn’t want to finish her sentence.

Vanessa understood. “No. They divorced because he was never around enough. Which is understandable, seeing as he has to rule a whole country here.”

It was silent for a while. Sheanna shivered, rubbing her arms as if in fear they might freeze. “Haven’t they invented windows here yet?”

Vanessa laughed. “Yes, they have. But they’re only put it in fancy places.”

“Hm. Well, if a castle isn’t a fancy enough place, then where are windows put?”

Vanessa laughed and nodded at her. “That’s a very, very good point. You should be sure to mention it to your people.”

My people. Sheanna almost didn’t like the sound of that.

“How does it feel?” she asked. “To be a real princess, I mean. I’ve read stories and what-not, but . . . what’s it like?”

Vanessa didn’t respond for a while, but finally said, “Not what you think it’s going to be like.”

Sheanna gave her a look, but then didn’t say anything. They stood there for a while, while Vanessa blew on the ink and Sheanna looked at her hands.

“You’re setting out tomorrow morning, then?” Sheanna finally asked.

“Yes,” replied Vanessa, “when the sun’s just about risen.”

“I want to come,” said Sheanna, and Vanessa gave her a surprised look.

“Oh, heavens, no! As soon as word gets out their real princess is here they won’t let you leave three paces from this place! Besides, we both have duties to do, and we must do them.”

“But people don’t have to know I’m here,” Sheanna quickly said, inventing her thoughts as she went along. “Word that I’m here can spread later. But for now, I want to be with my closest friend. I’m in a new world, and I have to figure out how it functions.”

Vanessa sighed and shook her head as if she were teaching her how to speak and she was failing. “Word will spread no matter what. Nearly all my maidservants knows who you are, and they have families who will, for sure, tell more people. Probably hundreds of people know you’re here already. Besides, if you want to learn how this world functions, you have to stay here, where your mother can teach you along with the maidservants.”

Mother. Maidservants. Sheanna liked neither of those words.

Something in the room hit the floor with a thud.

“Mercy!” Vanessa screamed, rounding the corner of the bookshelves to find the source of the noise. Sheanna followed her.

Two books shelves away they found Mercy, looking terrified. The source of the noise was a large red book, lying on the ground. Mercy stammered to Vanessa, “I-I was t-trying to r-read it, P-princess!”

Vanessa sighed, shook her head, and said, “Pick it up.”

Mercy struggled to do so. The book was large, and very heavy as well. It was many tries before the book was successfully put back in its place.

When Vanessa saw what she had asked had been done, she turned away from her and walked to the table where the family tree sat. Sheanna and Mercy followed her.

“Please take Princess Day Dreamer to her room,” Vanessa said. She ran her index finger over the words she had written in the leather family tree book, and once satisfied they were dry she closed the book and put it back on the shelf.

Mercy looked at Sheanna with respect, even though her eyes lingered on her clothes as if just noticing them. “Yes, ma’am,” she mumbled, and beckoned Sheanna to follow her.

Sheanna followed Mercy out of the room but not before giving Vanessa a glance. Vanessa had her back turned, though, and didn’t see.

Mercy stood on tippy-toe to take the torch out of its place and lead her through the dark corridors. She didn’t speak a word.

“So, um, hi,” Sheanna said shyly.

“Hi.” Mercy turned red with but excitement or embarrassment Sheanna didn’t know.

“Mercy is your name?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

It was silent for a while.

When they finally reached a large red door Mercy turned to Sheanna. Her light brown eyes were sparkling with excitement.

“Are you really her? Princess Reminisce’s daughter, I mean.”

Sheanna nodded and smiled at her. “Yes, I believe so.”

Mercy’s eyes were wide as she looked up at Sheanna. “What about your father? Is he really the king of the elves?”

“I . . . I don’t know.” Sheanna’s voice was soft.

Mercy looked at her feet, embarrassed as if she had asked one question too many. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” said Sheanna. “Really, Mercy, it’s fine.”

Mercy gave a smile to Sheanna. “Thank you, ma’am. And this is your room.”

Mercy braced herself against the door, but apparently it was too heavy for her, so Sheanna helped.

When the room opened Sheanna found herself lost in a large, very fancy room. A wardrobe stood proudly by the door, a bed table next to the crimson bed with gossamer over it, and a glassless window.

Mercy left Sheanna to explore her room and pointed out the bell on her side table she was to ring if she needed any help.

Sheanna nodded but didn’t explore the room. Instead she lay down on the crimson canopy bed without even changing out of her ‘odd’ clothes. They made her feel more like home, even if she had never laid in a bed as fancy as this one.

She was just about to drift into sleep when she felt something vibrating in her pocket. At first she was scared but when she saw it was her cellphone she was only shocked.

"Good reception," Sheanna murmured, and then opened her phone.

The message was from Tessa.

hey sheanna. where r u? y dont we hang out 2morro?

Sheanna laughed softly. She had completely forgotten her promise to hang out with Tessa soon. She replied:

Tessa. Sorry, I won’t be able to make it. My mom took me on a surprise vacation. We’ll hang out when I get back, for sure.

It wasn’t long before Tessa replied again:

oh. ok. wen will u be bak?

Sheanna sat there for a long time, thinking over the words. ‘When will you be back?’ Something Sheanna had been wondering since the moment she fell into this other world.

She replied:

I don’t know when I’ll be back. I honestly don’t know.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
675 Reviews


Points: 28467
Reviews: 675

Donate
Fri Jun 12, 2009 6:35 pm
lilymoore wrote a review...



Hey Aush, chapter 4 is read and I’m rearing to review. First of all, *announces* this is your shortest chapter yet with only 4,376 words. I thought it read faster than the other three and I was right.

Sense Mars always gets all the nitpicking done, let me just do my usual over-view with you. I’m hoping it isn’t as confusing as the last one.

Now to the review thingy:


Dialogue
Okay, now we’re in this whole new land with all these exciting new things, but I haven’t heard any new world slang. Especially because there are people from all sorts of ‘our world’ nations, there should have been quite a mixing of languages and one would think that there would be some fun little words scattered throughout.

Plot
Hey, this is the first time I can say that not a single part of the plot confused me. What I really do think is awesome is the fact that she has, like, perfect cell phone service. I knew Verizon was practically everywhere but I didn’t think that they meant it seriously.

Characters

So the only new characters that you give us are Anna and Mercy but we don’t know much about them. It would be nice to get a little more about the two besides the way they looked and acted. Perhaps throw in more dialogue between Sheanna and Mercy so we get a better feel for her, ok.

Another point I want to make quickly is on the clothes. You talk about V’s dress in plenty of detail but you don’t say much about what everyone else is wearing. Think hard on style and search the web for artistic inspiration.

Other

Okay, now that we’re talking princesses and royalty and such, we’re going to need to back everything up with good old fashioned research so maybe go to the library and pick up some books on Elizabeth I or Henry VIII and see what you can learn about the old world royals. Not only that, but get some movies. A lot of them have been made in the last few years such as The Other Boleyn Girl and I think there was one about Elizabeth as well as that one *scratches head for the name Vanity Fair. I never actually saw Vanity Fair or that Elizabeth movie but I heard about both of them and they should help you get a feel for what it is you’re trying to write as well as lending a hand in things such as royal etiquette and the mannerisms of ladies in waiting.

Hope that this advice made more sense than the last batch. *huggles*

~lilymoore




User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 1730
Reviews: 48

Donate
Mon May 18, 2009 10:39 pm
RubinLikes2Write wrote a review...



Oh my god. You need to write/ post faster!! I'm constantly shocked at the talent in this place!! I agree with Tottalyyws, the cell phone working in another world should be noted as odd.

Also I know you put that Sheanna couldn't see her old friend in Victoria but does she physically seem different in this world? Is her posture straighter and bolder, or is she slumped, and seems tired? Just add a short sentence about that.




User avatar
312 Reviews


Points: 6403
Reviews: 312

Donate
Mon May 18, 2009 5:30 pm
Mars wrote a review...



Okay, first of all, I'm sososososososo sorry this has taken so long.

she probably shouldn’t of said those words

*shouldn't have

But again it faded into this girl, standing before her.

I really like how you have Sheanna comparing the Vanessa she knows to the one she sees. It's a nice look at her...confusion, I guess. Anyway, it's good, and good description as well.

Sheanna had almost forgotten about Notch; but Notch made her presence clear.

Semicolon abuse! I think you should replace it with a comma.

nothing was familiar, still; Vanessa was not the same girl who refused to wear dresses and would enjoy soiling all the pretty dresses her mother had bought her.

You can get away with this one, but I think the ; would be better as a : .

Notch said to jolt Vanessa out of daze.

To jolt Vanessa out of her daze.

When the guards had come and the two maidservants that went everywhere Vanessa did,

The word order here makes it a bit difficult to understand at first, because it reads like the maids are going to do something - if that makes sense. Because in this clause, before the comma, you have the guards [noun] had come [verb] and then, added, the two maidservants [noun] and then we're waiting for the verb...again, I'm not sure that makes sense. Anyway, my suggestion is to rephrase like:

When the guards and the two maidservants that went everywhere Vanessa did had arrived,

And, actually, however you order it, that's still pretty wordy. So you could even cut it down like:

When the guards and the two maidservants that followed her everywhere had arrived,

It's pretty clear whose maids these are, as Sheanna wouldn't have any of her own (yet) and also as Vanessa is the subject of the sentence. Just a suggestion. :P

a large maid’s dress on that was much too big for her,

Since you say much too big for her you don't need the large.

as if speaking to fast might ruin the words.

*too

Vanessa didn’t [s]even[/s] reply, [s]but tried to look unchanged,[/s] but her fingers began to [s]mess[/s]play with the edge of her sleeve. She had always done that when she was uneasy; messed with something.

I scratched out the even because it was unnecessary, and the same with the unchanged part. And the repetition of but is annoying, and I think play with is better than mess with, especially since mess with is in the next sentence.

Remember, these are all just suggestions, it's your story. (Obviously. :))

we both know what’s going to happen’.”

Periods and commas ALWAYS go inside the quotations, doesn't many how many quotations there are. Like how you put the question mark inside the quotations in the next part, that's how it should be with all punctuation.

gave Notch such a look that she turned red.

“Your great great great great great great great grandmother came from the ‘real’ world.”

Should be hyphens in between all those great's.

You are now ‘added in history’.”

Again with the punctuation. ;-)

But they’re only put it in fancy places.”

Should be them not it as it's plural.

When Vanessa saw that what she had asked had been done,

“Hi.” Mercy turned red, but whether with [s]but[/s] excitement or embarrassment Sheanna didn’t know.

At first she was scared but then she remembered her cell phone and slowly took it out.

It struck me as odd that Sheanna's cell phone would still work in this other world. It's fine that it does, I mean, it's your world and all, but I think Sheanna should make note of it as well, that it should strike her as odd, because, well, it is.

Another good chapter and I'm excited to meet this mystery character, dear. Hope this helps!
-Mars





I don’t really say anything quotable. Or anything at all on most days. I just quietly listen.
— KateHardy