Chapter Three
Princesses of the West
“Where are we?” Sheanna’s voice shook so much it alarmed herself and she put her hand over her mouth again, this time not removing it.
Her mother sat up so hurriedly Sheanna flinched. “I thought I told you to leave the room!” she snapped, but when she saw the tears on Sheanna’s face she fell guiltily silent.
But Sheanna wasn’t really listening to her. She was staring wide-eyed at her mother’s hair. It was blonde, so blonde it was almost white.
“Miss, you hair,” she whispered.
“Take your hand off your mouth, sweetie, I can’t hear a word you’re muttering!” Miss’ voice sounded cross but Sheanna knew she didn’t mean it as harshly as it sounded. Miss stood up and began to pull some bright green grass out of her hair. The grass was so bright it stung her eyes to look at.
Slowly Sheanna removed her hand and looked at it. Her salty tears had run down her face and on her hand. She wiped the tears off her hand bitterly, yet she didn’t wipe the tears off her face.
“Miss, your hair . . . it’s blonde again!” Her voice was soft, surprised, and it still shook. Miss slowly turned to look at her with worry in her eyes. She seemed to have realized something; perhaps she realized it wasn’t Sheanna’s fault she had fallen into this Godforsaken world after Miss and how confused and scared she must be.
“Yes, yes it is,” she whispered and sat down next to Sheanna. She pulled Sheanna close to her, holding Sheanna’s head to her chest protectively. Sheanna could hear her hear beat, and breathed in deep to smell Miss’ familiar smell. Familiar. Yes, she’s the only thing that’s really familiar here, decided Sheanna, Miss, the clothes on my back, and the Hershey’s Kiss in my pocket . . .
Her mother kissed her on the head then slowly rose and began to run vain fingers through her hair, letting some bright green grass that she hadn’t already freed from her hair fall out. Sheanna pulled a bit of the bright green grass out of the land for herself to look at. She turned it in her hand over and over again, trying to find some similarities from it to the grass in her world.
It’s the same shape, she thought, stroking it. And it’s the same size. But it’s so much brighter here, like it hasn’t had time to be weathered and turned dark! But where is here?
“Miss, where are we?” Sheanna asked again. Miss held out a hand and Sheanna grabbed it slowly and stood up still shaking. Then she looked around as if to make sure no one was looking and stuck the bright green piece of grass in her jean’s pocket; the opposite pocket to the one that had the chocolate in.
“Please, don’t call me Miss.” Miss’ voice was tired and weary. Moaning, she passed a hand over her face as if it would erase the dreadful memory of that day away. Once she realized it hadn’t, she walked towards the clear lake.
“Form of habit,” muttered Sheanna, following her. She stuck her hands in both of her jean’s pocket so she could feel both the Hershey’s and the bright green grass. They both come from different worlds, Sheanna thought. That would make a good class project! I can see it now . . . it would start off to go something like, ‘The Parallel Universe’, but soon people would nickname it, ‘The Wacky Girl’s Equally Idiotic Project’! She couldn’t help but smile thinking about the boy’s teasing her. It seemed like such an odd thing to think about and smile, but she’d rather be sitting there, letting the boys tease her for the rest of her life rather than here right now.
Sheanna sighed. No, that’s against the rules. I’m not allowed to think of anything that has to do with the real world.
But just then she felt something in the pocket with the Hershey’s Kiss in it. It was very large, and rectangular . . .
Her cell phone. Of course, she thought, looking up at the sky. You really want me to think about the real world, don’t you? Well, remember how long it took my mother to get back? An entire month! And my Dad didn’t even come back! . . . No, that’s not allowed either. I’m not allowed to think of my Dad either.
And even though she tried, she couldn’t help herself from asking, “Is Dad here?”
But Miss didn’t answer her. Instead, she pressed on towards the lake with the waterfall.
Sheanna listened intently as she heard the waterfall’s water crashing down on the smooth, brown rocks forming the sides of the lake. When they finally reached the lake Sheanna noticed an elderly woman bent over the clear lake, doing her laundry. Even as she scrubbed her dirty clothes, the water remained clear, as if unfazed by the dirt the woman carelessly let flow in.
The woman had white silvery hair and a plump figure. She had on a dress that looked more like a quilt than a dress, and a brown knitted jacket resting over her dress that was as dark as the dirt on the clothes she was washing off; as if, perhaps, instead of letting the dirt wander into the water, she let it wander into her own jacket.
Miss studied her from a few feet away, then called out, “Notch? Mountain Notch, is that you?”
The woman froze. Her fingers stopped scrubbing the laundry, the song she was whistling under her breath stopped abruptly. She slowly straightened up, with difficulty, still holding out the dress she was washing, which dripped onto the ground as she turned to Sheanna and Miss.
As soon as Notch’s eyes met Miss’, they widened. “Is that . . . who I think it is?” She seemed too scared to say the name aloud, but the hopeful glow on her face was undeniable.
“If you think this is Princess Reminisce, then yes, it is who you think it is.” Sheanna saw her mother smile a real, full smile, but Sheanna studied the two with a confused look on her face. Princess Reminisce? Mountain Notch? What kind of names are these? But Sheanna answered herself. Fairytale names.
Her mother ignored her confused look and ran to embrace Notch, who had already thrown her laundry into the water without a care and was running towards her. “Notch! How good it is to see you!” She scooped Notch into an embrace, beaming.
Notch hugged her back tightly. “Ah, Princess Reminisce, how we’ve been waiting for you!” She pulled Miss away and studied her up and down. “You’ve grown!”
Miss smiled and looked down at her bare feet against the bright green grass. How dark her fair skin looked against the bright grass! “Yes, I suppose I have. And it seems you haven’t aged a day!” She looked back up at Notch.
“Why thank you!” she said brightly.
Sheanna didn’t walk towards the two; she kept her distance. Instead of approaching them, she took out her cell phone and took a picture of the two. She wasn’t planning on sending it to anyone; she was planning to just keep it for herself. Unfortunately, Notch had some manners and turned to her immediately. It was all Sheanna could do to conceal the cell phone before Notch saw it; but, she had gotten the picture.
“And who is this adorable child?” asked Notch, waving her over. Sheanna took slow, scared steps and gave her mother a worried glance. But her mother smiled softly and waved her forward.
When she stood next to her mother, Miss put her arm around Sheanna’s shoulders protectively. Then Notch examined her as if she were an art display while Sheanna turned a bright shade of red.
“This is . . .” Miss paused as if she must think about it first. “This is . . . is Day Dream.”
“Day Dream!” Notch repeated the name as if it were an honor to have such a name, but Sheanna cast her mother a glance. “This is your daughter, correct?”
Before Miss could answer Sheanna jumped in and said, “Yes.”
“Well! So you aren’t mute!” Sheanna turned bright red at these words. “You look just like your mother. Oh, I see the resemblance of your father! Don’t you see it, Reminisce?”
“Yes.” Miss’ voice was very soft, too soft. “I see it.”
“Speaking of which, have you heard from—”
“No.” Miss’ voice was so harsh it cut through the day like a dagger. “No, I haven’t heard from him.”
Notch didn’t seem to notice Miss’ uncomfortable squirm and the harshness of her words. “Ah, that’s a shame. He was such a handsome man, inside and out!”
There was a very uneasy silence after Notch said that, but silences were made to be broken, so Notch said, “And why is this fine young lady wearing a man’s clothes?”
“A man’s clothes?” Sheanna couldn’t stop herself from spitting those words out, as if wanting to rid of them. “We don’t live in some medieval, third world, woman’s rights deprived . . .”
But Miss gave Sheanna a look. The look said, Yes, yes we do.
Something inside Sheanna clicked. Realization came flooding to her.
“That’s what all the dresses were for!” she shouted at her mother, her voice rising with realization. “That’s what the crown was from! You . . . you’ve been here!”
“It’s not really a third world country. It’s quite nice here,” Miss muttered instead, still being evasive. You’d think a person would at least be a little less evasive when you get stuck in a different world and you’re asking just a few questions, wouldn’t you? Sheanna thought. But no. She’s still up to her same game.
Notch was watching this entire exchange with confusion and amazement on her face. “By the third star, Princess, what are you talking about?!” Her eyes found Miss’ and she bored a confused rage into them.
But Sheanna wasn’t confused at all. “The third star?!” She couldn’t help herself from screaming; she pulled away from her mother and glared her. “You mean the lucky star, the lucky star in the sky?! The one in the fairytale you always talked about?! And now she’s using it in an expression. So I was right! You have been lying to me!”
She was crying harder now. The tears ran down her face faster than she could stop them.
She might never understand why she had this outburst, but to this day she thinks she just wanted to be mad at her mother for something, since she couldn’t be mad at her for anything else.
“Yes.” Miss’ voice was soft, but she looked at Sheanna hopefully. “Please understand. I did it to protect you.”
“Protect me from what?” Sheanna screamed, and when Miss didn’t reply she nearly whispered, “To protect me from my father?”
“No!” Miss hesitated before she answered, though. “Why would I do that?”
“Why won’t you tell me about him?”
Miss flinched back. “I love him!”
“You didn’t give me a proper answer!”
“I wouldn’t try to keep you from him!”
“Then why can’t I ever see him?”
Miss didn’t respond immediately to that one. “I love him more than you know!”
Sheanna was so aggravated she would have loved to wring her mother’s neck. “Then why is it so hard to tell your daughter the truth about him?!”
“Because the truth is unbelievable!” Sheanna hadn’t noticed that she had been creating tears in her mother’s eyes until they poured out of her eyes right then. “It always has been.”
Sheanna hesitated before her answer; whether it was more to consider whether or not to finish this fight or to consider her next words, even she wasn’t sure. Her rage drew the words on, as if it had been rehearsed, “I believed those stories about the trolls and what-not!”
“Well you grew out of them!”
“I just fell from the sky of a foreign land after the clock stroke midnight, and I’m ‘grown-up’! I bet you there isn’t anything more far-fetched than that!”
“Believe me, there is.”
“For the love of the trolls, get a grip, child!” Notch’s voice cut through the conversation so quickly that Sheanna and Miss both turned to her. Notch’s eyes had found Sheanna’s. “Just go take a dive in the water to clear your mind or do whatever you want, I could care less, just silence that disrespectful little mouth of yours! You made your mother cry! Is that your life goal, you vulture?!”
Accepting Notch’s words as nothing more but the end of her fight with her mother, Sheanna walked over to the lake’s edge and stuck her foot in it, but hurriedly pulled it out. It looked warm with the sun glistening on it, but it might have been warmer frozen.
When Miss turned back to Notch, she was more composed, as if the fight with Sheanna had already been forgotten. “Notch, who’s ruling Akea now? I supposed my mother’s . . .” Miss didn’t finish her sentence.
“May she rest in peace,” said Notch quietly, nodding. “And who’s ruling now?” She paused as if for dramatic effect. “Victoria.” Notch’s voice was barely audible.
Sheanna glanced up for a second, almost expectantly. But Notch glanced at her and she looked down, studying the waters' ripples as she eased her foot in and out of the water.
“Victoria?” Miss’ voice rose uneasily high. “Does she have any—”
“Children? No.” She gave a bit of a laugh, but then turned serious all too quickly. “Everyone will be overjoyed that you’re back. Now, Reminisce, you must give your word to me that you’ll stay longer than a moon! One moon is not enough time to solve all the problems we have been having. And you gave your word that when you returned you’d help us, didn’t you, Reminisce?” Her eyes begged along with her voice.
Miss sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, again vain. “Yes, I suppose I did. I’ll stay as long as I can.”
“You must give your word! And please, longer than one moon! It can’t be just one moon!” Notch looked near tears, and Miss seemed to grasp her urgency.
“It’s not that bad, is it?”
“You have no idea.” Notch’s voice was much too soft.
“Well, my daughter wasn’t supposed to follow me here, and I might need to take her back. I hope you can understand.”
“No, I honestly don’t understand why you can’t send that little . . . that little . . .” Notch couldn’t seem to find a word to suffice, but finally decided to use the one adjective she had used before. “That little vulture home on own!
Sheanna cleared her throat to remind the two she was sitting right there.
“Well I’m sorry, sweetie”—Notch spoke ‘sweetie’ with distaste and anger—“but we have more issues than you do!”
Sheanna looked up at Notch with hatred in her eyes. Well, let’s see. When I was five my parents mysteriously disappeared to this magical world, I’m assuming, I find out that my mother is Miss as she said so all along, I get sucked into a magical world by this clock that we just bought today, and then I meet an old lady who is criticizing me but doesn’t even understand! Right, I’m positive you have more issues than me!
Sheanna had never been that self-centered before, but she felt at the moment as if she deserved it. She couldn’t help it; she began to cry again, but refusing to show her tears to Notch she looked out over the lake. How could it look so beautiful, so happy, as if it were the only thing in the world that mattered? Didn’t it know that there was a girl far, far away from home who just adopted the name ‘Day Dream’? Didn’t it care?
Notch’s frustrated and furrowed face immediately sagged into sadness when she caught Sheanna crying. No one could hide anything from Notch. She bowed her head in shame.
“Come on,” sighed Notch, walking towards Sheanna and holding her hand out to her. “It’s time for you to finally go home.”
But Sheanna refused her hand and made a point to get up and walk around her. Sheanna raced to her mother and grabbed her close, silently apologizing for exploding at her. Why would Notch say that? Didn’t she know that her home was on a hill in a different world? Did she care?
“It’s half a day’s hike,” reminded Notch, picking up her laundry bin. The one dress she had dropped in the water had already been sucked under by the waterfall, and was very unlikely to be seen again.
“I know,” Miss said. “We should make it there, if we’re lucky, by nightfall.”
“That’s the goal.” Notch beckoned the two to follow her. “I can lead.” And then she turned her back to them, falling silent for the rest of the journey.
Sheanna followed Miss silently while she whispered in her ear. “We’re going to a castle, Sheanna. Remember how I always told you that if we could afford it I’d get you a castle? Well I did, just in this world. And you really are a Princess, Sheanna. Princess of the West side of Akea! The East and West sides live in harmony. We’re all sort of like ‘the good guys’, and the sky is yellow on our side. But then there’s a distinct line between the Good Side and the Bad Side. On the Bad Side we have the North and the South. They skies there are black and gray.”
Can you say, “Read out of a fairytale book?” Sheanna asked herself.
“But the East and West sides have some problems, too. People on the West side more like to sing and dance and be happy and open about their goodness, and people on the East side more like to read and keep to their books and be kind but not overjoyed about it. It’s the same with the North and the South; the South is more exuberant in Evil then the North is. But the land’s beautiful, so very beautiful!
“Then there’s the valleys; oh, the Middle Valleys! Those are the valleys where all the corners of each kingdom meets. It’s so beautiful there! The sky there is white, pure white, and they have the loveliest flowers and the most beautiful water in all of Akea! But it’s kind of small, and then there are the woods. Each kingdom gets an amount of woods, whether it’s small or large. The East has a smallish amount of woods, and tons of villages. Why, the South barely has any villages at all there’s so much wood! But they’ve taken to cutting it down, those terrible people.
“But no one is bad in the Middle Valleys. That’s because each kingdom gets a piece of it. Everyone is kind of in harmony there. If you see a person from the North and you’re from the West, for example, they won’t harm you. They might ignore you, but that’s it. A person would be sentenced to death immediately for harming anyone in the Middle Valleys. But, perhaps, I’ve always assumed there’s something in the air there that keeps the dark side from attacking us, even in the middle valleys, for occasionally they can’t help themselves . . .
“But it’s dangerous, very dangerous. Sometimes someone from one of the good sides meets someone from one of the bad sides, and they get lured into evil. That’s the only problem, so beware; if you ever see any evil people there, know they won’t hurt you, but just don’t talk to them. Be happy they can’t kill you, because otherwise, they would!”
After that, Sheanna tuned out on her mother’s ramblings. She listened enough to know she was talking about the landscape, the mountains, the differences in forests; how you could tell if you accidentally stumbled into a bad side once in the forest, for people did that often, but she didn’t plan to be going into a forest any time soon, so she decided to not listen to the landscapes her mother described, but to take in the ones around her.
The green valleys had died away, but a river kept close of them, winding with them like a snake. The green valleys quickly turned to dark, cold dirt which felt to her bare feet fertilizable, but there wasn’t even a flower or tree to keep them company. All too soon the dark dirt died away and they moved on to a desert-like area. The three of them went to walk in the ravine instead of trying to walk on the hot sand; it was hottest now, seeing as it was still midday. They followed the ravine for what seemed like hours, and Sheanna found nothing notable so she tuned back to her mother’s ramblings, which were still going on.
“. . . and the collection is great. Every kind of book you can imagine . . . biographies, non-fiction, fiction . . . and you know what the best part is, Sheanna?”
“What?”
Miss jumped, almost surprised Sheanna was listening. “The best part is they have fantasy stories, but they aren’t fictional, because they actually happened right here! And I’ll take you there tomorrow morning, first thing. What do you think of that?”
Sheanna gave a shy smile. “Alright,” she said. “Where is this library, again?”
“In the castle.” Miss sounded relieved, as if glad to know Sheanna hadn’t heard everything.
Sheanna didn’t notice that the desert that had beside them had turned into a valley again, and then a town rose up out of no where. She only realized it when both Notch and Miss walked out of the ravine to go to the village.
Before Sheanna knew it, they were at the guard’s gate, who made sure no people from the dark side went into the city. They grasped Miss’ wrist, and upon seeing it was fine, let her go.
Sheanna observed this with curiosity. They looked at Notch’s wrist next, and then let her go.
Slowly, Sheanna gave her hand to them. “Your right hand,” growled the guard angrily.
Turning red, Sheanna gave him her right hand. He pushed her sleeve up, and though he did examine her clothes with slight interest, he let her go on without another word.
Everyone in the town was bustling about. Sheanna noticed them quicken their pace with each passing minute, and guessed they wanted to get their work done before the night came, and it was already sunset. No one even glanced at Miss or Notch. A few little girls pointed out Sheanna’s clothes to their mothers, who told them sternly, “It’s rude to point,” but observed her clothes with curiosity as well.
Sheanna looked at the village for a long time before stepping into it. Everyone wore bright clothes, and everyone was rushing about with their bread, or their carts, or they were simply calling out to people to buy their merchandise. It was like that little village in fairytale books you always read about, except ten times better in person.
The best part was that there was not one frown or one cross word; they all talked happily as they bustled about, laughing and smiling without a care in the world. There was not a beggar there, either; apparently Princess Victoria knew what she was doing.
And above the little sunset colored city, Sheanna could see a castle sitting on a hill. It was just like out of a story book; large, white, with spiral staircases among the sides of the towers. It took Sheanna’s breath away.
“It’s just as I always imagined it,” she whispered, and followed Notch and Miss into the castle.
They walked through the whispering village, for some had recognized Miss and others where whispering of her strangely dressed daughter, up towards the castle.
Miss grabbed Sheanna’s arm as they walked up the tricky hill which led to the drawbridge. The sun was just about gone in this world, and the shadows that were cast hid some pointed rocks or little holes. But Miss seemed to know the land like she knew her name and helped as Sheanna as she struggled up the side of the hill.
Notch, however, had no difficulty in leading them up the hill. She walked with surprising agility for a woman of her age going uphill.
When they finally arrived to the castle there was a large wooden door sitting squarely in front of the castle, and it was probably doing a better job guarding it then the guards where. They laid there, their eyes sort of closed, each of them bored to death. They were still very young, the kind who might be hunting at their age, and the kind that still believed they were immortal.
When they heard footsteps they immediately stood up and put their weapons across the door as if they had been stationed like that forever, but the group had seen the door since they began their incline and knew that they hadn’t.
When the guards saw who was approaching them, they both let their weapons down, and then the man on the left spoke.
“Princess Reminisce? Mountain Notch?” He took a long look at Sheanna, and then finally said, “And, uh, company? Where did you all spring up from?”
“I told you she was out there!” Notch’s voice rose dangerously high. “I told you I’d find her!”
Both the guards were white, their eyes wide. “We thought you’d never come back! We were convinced you died!” said the guard on the right hoarsely.
“Yes, well, I’m alive.” Miss’ voice was braver than ever. She then got a look on her face that only Sheanna recognized; it was her story telling face.
Pointing to Sheanna Miss said, “We got into a little accident and this one strayed of clothes so we had to use some men’s clothes. May we come home and change?”
Though a lot of confusion was relieved from theirs and Notch’s faces, the guards didn’t buy the story immediately and crossed their weapons over the door.
“Who is ‘this one’?” asked the left guard, nodding his head towards Sheanna as if nothing but a doll. Sheanna returned the guard’s nod with an angry glare.
“‘This one’ is her daughter,” responded Notch for her. “Her daughter’s name is Day Dreamer.”
“Day Dreamer!” They both whispered her name as Notch had, with a newfound honor and respect.
“Go right in!” the right guard immediately urged, and they both put down their weapons, letting them through.
“Thank you,” said Notch curtly as she and Miss pushed the door open, and they all walked in.
“Can you explain to me what’s happening?” whispered Sheanna as soon as the doors closed behind her. It was nearly pitch black in the hall way, except for a few torches, but they were much further down in the hall.
“Later,” replied Miss softly. “Come on, let’s go find Victoria and tell her we’re here.”
Sheanna really would have liked to change first so she wasn’t given the glances everyone was giving her, but she didn’t object. She walked down the hall with Notch and Miss in the lead. When they came to the wall with the torches on them each Miss and Notch took one and led the way.
Night was approaching faster than Sheanna could grasp. They walked on though, going through different halls with different pictures; some of happy things, like fairies, or sweet goblins, or funny trolls. It was as if the wall refused to hold a sad picture.
Even though each wall was painted a light lavender color and each floor was painted a creamy, vanilla color, it was so difficult to see anything. Sheanna held her mother’s hand even though she stood behind her.
The halls were empty, too. No suits of armor, no people, no nothing; only the walls, the floor, and the pictures and torches hanging on the walls.
When they finally came across a person Sheanna almost cried with joy. It had been so silent except for their footsteps!
The woman sitting there was oddly dressed in black. She was examining her nails with a bored expression on her face, sitting on an oddly placed barrel. Shadows were cast over her and Sheanna really couldn’t make out anything except her clothes and her feet, which where crossed.
The girl didn’t even look up as the three walked up to her.
“Hello, miss, we need your—”
“What do you want?” Her voice sounded as if her nose was squished in. Sheanna saw her mother’s hand was shaking, and grabbed the torch from her and pushed it closer to the woman. She could now see her black hair, her dark blue eyes that where concentrating on her nails, and her deformed nose. It looked as if it had been taken off her face, mashed all up, and stuck back on. It had different scars all over it, black, dead black scars. It looked as if it had been stitched a few times too, but Sheanna wasn’t sure; did people get stitches in medieval times, too?
“Stop!” The girls’ voice echoed through the empty halls when she saw Sheanna staring at her nose. She knocked the torch right out of her hand and onto the floor.
The girl realized too soon what she had done. Cursing under her breath, she jumped up and stomped at the fire with her left foot. The fire didn’t go out but her foot caught on fire, so she sat on the barrel and looked at the flames on her foot for a while before stomping again. This time the flames on her foot went out, but she didn’t attempt to put the flames on the torch out again. Her foot was now raw and red and she muttered a second curse under her breath.
Sheanna's eyes widened with terror. It was a very odd thing, to change from everyone being bright and happy to one person being dark and cold; and apparently, tough.
“I’ll take you to see her majesty,” said the girl darkly. There was nothing bright about her at all.
The girl grabbed Notch’s torch and started limping away. Her foot obviously hurt a lot more then she made it out to be. Both Miss and Sheanna glanced at the still alight torch on the floor, and once realizing it would just go out against the dark marble eventually, they moved on.
“What’s your name?” asked Notch.
“Crooked Noise,” she said darkly. Her voice was a bit strained, and not because of her odd nose, but because of the pain she was forcing out of her voice from her foot.
“Does her foot really hurt that bad?” Sheanna whispered. She had thought she was thinking those words, but when Noise turned with difficulty to glare at her she knew it was spoken.
Noise limped so close to Sheanna that she drew back. Soon Noise’s face was so close to Sheanna’s that their noses touched. Her nose felt so rough against Sheanna’s smooth one.
“Don’t you dare whisper secrets of me unless you’d like to find yourself in a prison chamber with no food or water,” whispered Noise. Her breath was so hot, and it smelled oddly of cherries. “Understand, you poorly dressed peasant?”
Sheanna shook with fear and nodded slowly, omitting the thought she was her Princess.
“Stop it!” That was her mother’s voice. “Leave her alone! She’s your Princess; she’s the Princess of the West!”
Sheanna felt her mother’s hand on her shoulder, and she felt Miss pull her away from Noise.
Noise glanced at Miss with her evil, dark eyes, then glared at Sheanna. “I doubt it,” she muttered, and slowly, and again difficultly, she turned and led them again.
It seemed to take too much time to get to the Princess. It seemed hours later that they finally reached the brightly lit room.
There were many maids, tons of them scurrying about, all of them talking in strained whispers. There were so many maids that Sheanna could barely see anything but people. People and light.
The room had a huge window in which the night was let in. There was no glass separating the night from the room. The candles in the room where so bright the night itself seemed to fear it, and every square inch that wasn’t already occupied by a maid had a lit candle.
“No, no, that doesn’t seem right,” said a familiar voice coming from the throne, which had it’s back turned to entrance and towards the windows.
The voice was high-pitched like a little girl’s. And it did definitely belong to a girl.
It belonged to a girl that Sheanna knew only all too well. No one else in the world had her voice, and when Sheanna saw the girl’s black hair sticking out from behind her chair, Sheanna was convinced.
“Oh, come on, Needle! I promise you against every single star that my design will work!” There was that voice again. Sheanna felt her mouth fall open.
“Yes, Princess,” replied Needle and she scurried away.
The second Needle left another maid took the Princess’ attention. It was a long time before Noise got to speak.
“Princess!” called Noise with distaste and anger in her voice, “You’ve got company!” Then Noise turned to a few maids walking by and whispered to them, “They call the youngest the ‘Princess of the West’.” The trio chuckled and glared at the girl.
“Ah, thank you, Noise. Who have you brought me this time?” And she turned in her chair to reveal her face. Miss and Notch immediately bowed in respect, but Sheanna was too shocked to move; and so was the princess.
It was Princess Victoria, otherwise known as Vanessa, Sheanna’s best friend.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Auuushy! You have every right now to send me virtual monsters to attack me. I can't believe I haven't reviewed this yet!
)
(Really, I'm just eager to get to chapter 8
So, one of the worst things about reviewing a story is coming to it and finding nothing worthwhile to say either because the story's that good, or the other reviewers have already tackled the important stuff.
At any rate, I'm being lazy-- my wrists hurt, so I can't really type much; here's what I can scratch up:
(Yes, I'm being that lazy! I'm doing an overall!)
• Sentence combination -
For your reader's sake, it's the best thing in the world to combine some sentences, dear. Sometimes it becomes repetitive going over some details that are important for us to know! The more you combine, sometimes, the better, because you're eliminating traces of deadwood. See here!
This is such an easy sentence to combine! You can easily remove the period in the first sentence, add "that said" and then have the final "yes we do" on it. You want to avoid using loads of words, because sometimes the audience will look at a story and skim over it, and be able to say, "too many words that haven't taught me anything."
Also! In publishing, word count is crucial. The less words, the better!
• But, a word you want to avoid as much as humanely possible
Another you will find throughout literature is that the word but should be used sparingly. To start many sentences, lines, paragraphs and so on with this can easily become annoying; for the sake of your readers, avoid it as much as possible, and resolve to rewording the sentence without the but to make it make sense, dearie.
• Compound sentences, your best friend and worst enemy
Compound sentences are very important things! See here:
This is a bit that you can combine into one sentence. However, it has to be done properly!
If you simply drop the period, and replace it with a comma, the sentence will just look icky, because girl is repeated, yada yada yay!
Now for the good part...
• Characters!
I love, love, love your characters, Aushy. Sheanna is undoubtedly my favorite, because she's easy to relate to. It's not like she fell from the sky in this strange world and is adjusted to it with a snap of the fingers.
I love Notch, too. She seems like a sharp little old lady-- which makes her one of my favorites because she seemingly has the potential to embarass or be embarrassing, which also makes for a good character.
Sheanna's Mother is also a nifty character, she seems so mysterious; I'm dying to know what clouds her background so.
• Events
I love the way you build up to each event. You transition us nicely, not a rapid jump from one scene to another. It's wonderful the way you've written this, and one of the nicest things about this is I haven't seen any elves yet.
Nice job on this, Aushy! =) Onto the next!
Juniper
Aushy!!! *huggles*
First off, I have a nitpick that Marzipan didn’t find. *beams proudly at finding your flaws*
I would recommend putting a comma after ‘footsteps’ because I think you’re breaking one of those rules my English teacher was always telling me about. I’m not sure what it’s called because I liked to sleep during his class. *hopes Mr. Dewald never reads that*
Now it’s time for my usual reviewing.
Plot
Okay, so there’s one problem in plot that I feel I must point out and that is in how you describe the North, South, East, and West thingy. Well, to be blunt, I was completely lost. Make lists and take notes. This will generally help.
Characters
I like all of these new characters. The thing about fantasy characters is we can make them far more unique than real world characters because there are more possibilities in new worlds.
But dear, would you pick between calling Miss/mother and stick to one or the other. Just choose one name to call her by when you talk about her (though you can alter that sort of stuff in the dialogue but you know what I mean, right?) and stick to it. This gets rid of reader confusion.
Other
Now here I go with the one problem I have here and that has to do with the Vanessa/Vicky (from here on out, I will refer to her has V. I don’t know what else to call her) thing. I know you did some editing by adding the phone call into Chapter 1 but well, I think you could have done it differently with a plot change (only a little one, way back at the beginning). Why not start with Sheanna and V hanging out and just chilling. This way we get a feel for V a little better. Then move into the clock show/shop thingy where you can get rid of the phone call scene. In my opinion, I think it could work out good.
Otherwise, I can’t say anything bad about this. This particular setting almost feels like what would happen if you are a whole bunch of little kids picture books then threw them back up (but in the best way) with the colors and description. Awesome though really!
~lilymoore
Hahahaha nice plot twist at the end!! In the begging try to speed thing up just a little. And I'm serious just a tiny bit. Otherwise I liked it the story line is progressing and it's good!
I'm about to read chapter four!
I'm back. =D
*nowhere (one word)
I'd cut out the 'upon seeing it was fine' because the readers won't know what was fine or why he's examining the wrist. I mean, obviously Sheanna doesn't either, so she wouldn't know that they had seen it was fine or what, really, makes it okay, etc, but this kind of makes it seems like she would? So you could just cut it out or put in something like 'peered at it' or 'examined it' or whatever.
*than, *were, *lay (instead of laid). Also, who are 'they'? The...doors? Notch, Miss, and Sheanna? I have no idea. Clarify please?
...oh, you're talking about the guards. But it was totally not clear (to me); maybe you could rephrase like guarding than the guards, who lay there, eyes... because otherwise it sounds like you're talking about the doors.
I don't know what this means. O.o
Er, that sounds a bit off. What about something like 'she wouldn't keep receiving curious glances' or something?
Describing her as first a woman and then a girl is a little confusing so what if you replaced the 'the girl' with just 'she'?
LOL I WAS RIGHT! I stand by what I thought about Victoria/Vanessa, by the way, I mean about mentioning her in the first chapter and not this third one.
-Mars
*pounces*
I cut that last part out because you repeated 'sounded' and I think it sounded (haha) better without.
Kind of an obscure grammar rule but you should never end a sentence with a preposition (at, to, by, etc.). So you could cut out the at, which I recommend, or I suppose you could add it after at, but I think that's unnecessary. Yeah.
One thing I've noticed about your writing is that you tend to repeat yourself a lot, which makes it a little stiff to read. Take this bit:
Slowly Sheanna removed her hand and looked at it. Her salty tears had run down her face and on her hand. She wiped the tears off her hand bitterly, yet she didn’t wipe the tears off her face.
First of all, you say 'her hand' in each sentence and you repeat 'face' and 'tears' when you don't really have to. It would be better, imho, to reword it so it's easier for the reader; pronouns are your friend, dear. For example, what about:
Slowly Sheanna removed her hand and looked at it. Her salty tears had run down her face and onto it. She wiped them off her hand bitterly, yet not off her face.
Yeah, I dunno, my example still sounds weird, but the point remains the same: play around with the words, experiment, have fun with it. Mix up the order etc. Otherwise, even if the plot is exciting, the writing itself is boring and blah and not good. The Da Vinci Code is an example of an exciting (if inaccurate) plot weighted down by boring writing, imho.
And I think June (springrain) suggested using a thesaurus in your ch. 1 review? It's a good idea. I use http://www.thesaurus.com a lot. ^^ Just for when you're doing serious editing, consider it.
Someday, perhaps when you've written a bit more or even finished the first draft, I think it would be a good idea to sit down and go through the book and cut out every single word that isn't absolutely one hundred per cent necessary. Eg adjectives, adverbs, and words that are redundant, like the above example (to her). I don't think you have an adjectives/adverbs problem but you do tend to repeat, as I've mentioned, and it can't hurt. And then go back and add some back in if you want.
(I would do this after you've written more though as serious editing too soon can really discourage a rough draft.)
Er...vain? Fingers? Her fingers are narcissistic/worried about her appearance? That makes no sense.
What day? This day? Or one we don't know yet?
'Cause otherwise it's not fully clear what you mean, if it's the waterfall or the rocks.
Double punctuation = bad.
Infesting is really, really not the right verb to use here. It makes me think of insects and parasites, isn't that what they do? What about simply, 'she hadn't realized her mother was crying until the tears poured out of her eyes.' Or something.
Stroke should be struck.
Double punctuation again. Also, I maybe shouldn't be saying this, as maybe I don't know enough yet, but it seems very very odd that anyone would interrupt a mother/daughter fight, especially when they have not a clear idea of what's going on, ESPECIALLY to yell at the child. I mean, okay, Notch loves Miss, but this is going too far, imo.
Actually I'm not sure about this fight at all. Like, I'm still not sure what it's about, and it goes on for too long, and it feels like the only reason it's there is to keep some mystery in the story and...I don't know, I think Sheanna's reactions are okay but I don't like how her mother is being such a child, especially when the first impression we get of Miss is very adult, very dark, very strong and silent. I understand that she's different as Princess but it still seems wrong.
Hope that made sense.
This is really random and unnecessary imo. Unless of course the Victoria in Akea is Sheanna's best friend but even then I think you'd do better to say this in the first chapter, maybe if she called Sheanna or something, and then Sheanna could be shocked when she realizes they're the same person.
I think you think that vain means something other than it really does?
vain
–adjective, -er, -est.
1. excessively proud of or concerned about one's own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited: a vain dandy.
2. proceeding from or showing personal vanity: vain remarks.
3. ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile: a vain effort.
4. without real significance, value, or importance; baseless or worthless: vain pageantry; vain display.
5. Archaic. senseless or foolish.
—Idiom
6. in vain,
a. without effect or avail; to no purpose: to apologize in vain.
b. in an improper or irreverent manner: to take God's name in vain.
Taken from here. So yeah, either IN vain or vainLY.
*the, also, I'm not sure about the geography here, eg North and South and East and West all sort of bleed into each other, don't they? Like you can have Northwest and Southeast and Northeast and Southwest so I'm having some trouble concieving how the whole thing would work. Maybe you could divide Akea up in provinces instead. Or have Sheanna and Miss study a map and explain everything later. *shrug*
I dislike the way all this info is just dumped on to us. =/ I don't know how to fix it though, as it's fairly necessary...the other thing I don't like is how everyone is so typecast; like, if you're from the east you're THIS and if you're from the west you're THAT and etc, etc. But maybe I'll change my mind about this later?
I am going to leave you with this half of the chapter reviewed and finish later (probably tonight, possibly tomorrow), as it's very long and I'm in need of a dinner break.
See you on the flip-side.
-Mars