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Birds (by Sméagol)

by GoldFlame


We was tolds to write a ballad,
Sixteen strings of words,
Abouts anything, anything at all,
So we writes about little birds!

Birdsies, birdsies, so juicy sweet,
Heaven between our nine teeths!
Birdsies, we likes, we likes a lot,
Almost as much as fishie meat!

Hobbitses says they are revolting
(Nasty, mean, fat hobbitses),
But Precious and me’s response
Is a loud, indignant hiss.

Bird-free sky makes Sméagol mad;
Sméagol hatesss eating Hobbitses’ bread.
Oh, birdsies, birdsies, so juicy sweet;
Sméagol’s hungry for one of their heads!


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Thu Jul 02, 2015 12:36 am
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fantasydragon01 says...



Hi!
I like this poem, mainly because of the fact that it's the Lord of the Rings. Everyone about the poem is true. Great job!




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Mon Apr 28, 2014 2:30 am
Snowery says...



Hahah!!

(Nasty, mean, fat Hobbitses),


My favourite line XD , poor, poor Sam!

Brilliant poem Goldie! :) <3




GoldFlame says...


Haha, thank you! I don't even remember writing this. But my heart really went to Sam :P ...



Silverlock says...


Yeah I feel like he was the real hero of the series. I still haven't read the third book though :(



GoldFlame says...


You haven't? *jumps up and down* You're in for so much awesomeness ... agh ... now you got me fangirling ...

And so you were the one who killed Professor Peach in the library with the lead pipe.



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Mon Apr 28, 2014 2:29 am
GoldFlame says...



Whoa. This was from ages ago. :shock:




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 2:35 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Happy Review Day! ;) Here is a short review for your hilarious poem!

Wow, okay, I started laughing. I love how this is in "Gollum's" point of view, and his words are plural and messed up. It makes it funnier, too.

I especially love this topic. Birds? Wonderful! The humor is in it, as well, and I mean, it's birds.

I don't have much to critique because you did such a great job with this, so I'll just gush with positive comments . ^_^

I have to say, I think I like the second stanza best. It has Gollum's feelings, but the "nine teeths" part as some description.

So, yup, I loved this poem of yours! Keep writing!

WillowPaw1~




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! Happy Review Day to you, as well! :D



WillowPaw1 says...


Haha, your welcome! And review review reviewwwww!



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Tue Dec 31, 2013 10:03 pm
TimmyJake says...



This poem is as good as birdsies... :D The number of likes and reviews proves it! I have already reviewed on this. Allllllll the way down the long line of reviews you'll see it, but I just wanted to tell you again how awesome and genuinely Smeagolish this is!
~Timmyjake




GoldFlame says...


Thanks again :)! Did you post another chapter yet, by the way?



timmyjake says...


Not yet... In progress!



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Tue Dec 31, 2013 10:02 am
therealme says...



This is so perfect :') Thank you




GoldFlame says...


:)



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Tue Dec 31, 2013 5:35 am
EmilyLemke wrote a review...



Hello Goldflame!

I am absolutely obsessed with this poem right now! Almost as obsessed as I am with The Lord of The Rings and the Hobbit and just Middle Earth all together. J.R.R. Tolkien was a truly amazing writer and I'm glad that there are many other people that enjoy his books and tales as much as I do. I mean honestly though, I have posters on my wall. I am a teenage girl, I'm supposed to have half-naked guys taped up not Bilbo Baggins.


What I truly love about this poem is how I can hear his squeaky, raspy voice as I read the poem (cleaning up my drool as I read of course) And it fits Gollum so well, he's my third favorite character in the movie, behind Gandalf and Bilbo of course.


I'm really glad that you wrote this poem. It really made my day, well rest of the year for that matter!

-Emily




GoldFlame says...


Wow, thanks! I never expected my poem to have this great an impact. Oh, and happy New Year's!



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 9:33 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



I think you have really honed into the voice of Gollum here in a scarily accurate and kind of creepy way. :)

'Birdsies, birdsies, so tender sweet,'

The way you have coined some of his key phrases. This piece is just brilliant. :)

I would like to see more imitational works from you in the future.




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! This was easier than it looks, as Gollum was a well-developed character with so many quirks!



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 5:34 pm
Swiftfurthewarrior wrote a review...



Hey there GoldFlame!
I count J.R.R. Tolkien as one of my favorites too! I've seen the entire LOTR series, read more than half of The Hobbit, and seen Part 1/2 of the movie, (I thought it was terrible and hardly followed the book).

I think you portrayed Smeagol's character quite nicely! Also, I liked his reaction to the Hobbits and their food. It made me think of the line when he ate the bread in the bog and also when he said, "We ought to wring their filthy little necks!"

There were no spelling or grammar mistakes, and you added the s's at the right moment too.

Overall, I give it 5/5 stars! Keep writing!

Cheers,

~Swiftfur




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! I also thought that the movie was so inaccurate...I mean, Legolas wasn't even in the Hobbit! So you're a big fan, too :D...



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 2:49 pm
Storybraniac wrote a review...



Hi. Storybraniac here to review. I really liked this piece and how the boy talks. And I agree with blacknether12 about the fish and fishes thing. And i don't really think this is long enough for a review, should not have written the things at the beginning. And I like J.R.R. Tolkien too. I just love his series. That's enough for this time.

-Sibuna-

(That's my way of saying bye)




GoldFlame says...


Thanks, Sibuna! I consider it long enough; it's awesome to still be getting comments!



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 10:46 am
StoneHeart says...



lol, okay this was amusing. One nitpick though.

Gollum would have said 'fishesss' and not 'fish' :P

He didn't really seem to get the whole 'plural' thing down, and always hissed the end off.

(btw, you only love JRR Tolkien because you've never read Brandon Sanderson).


~Black~




GoldFlame says...


Whoa, there...J.R.R. Tolkien is an AMAZING writer. I suppose that I'm a patient reader, but he's nailed character and plot development. Will take a look at Brandon Sanderson's work, though, and I'll fix the plural thing.





I will agree that he was amzing



GoldFlame says...


:D



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 12:50 am
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mephistophelesangel wrote a review...



Hello GoldFlame!

I really liked this poem, because I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings. Also, I kinda like-ish Gollum too! This poem was very creative, well written, and the grammar mistakes made it, ironically, even more well written. I don't know if I'm the only one, but I read this in Gollum's voice.

Great job! I mean it, GREAT job!!! I never saw a poem like this and I absolutely love it.

Thanks and keep on writing, mephis




GoldFlame says...


Gollum is, hands down, my favorite character. Even before Gandalf, Merry and Pippin, and Bilbo! Glad you like him and the poem, too :).



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Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:51 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Hi! This is going to be quick, but I just wanted to tell you how cute and awesome this poem was. I could hear Smeagol saying the words and everything in his sing-song lilting, and I love all the little asides and whatnot that really kind of capture Smeagol's way of talking!

The only thing that could make it (possibly?) cuter is if Gollum took over a stanza or two. Since the last couple stanzas are supposed to have a "change" of tone to them (since it's a sonnet and all that), I can totally see Gollum taking over and changing the tone. XD

Still! I really like this. Good job! :D




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! Wow, awesome to be still getting replies :).



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Fri Dec 06, 2013 2:49 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...



This is very Gollum like. I can imagine Gollum in his cave actually saying this. The way you spell the words helps to create the picture of Gollum and helps to show the reader how he would in fact say it.
This stanze of the poem:
Bird-free sky makes Smeagol mad;

Smeagol hatesss eating Hobbitses’ bread.

Oh, birdsies, birdsies, so juicy sweet,

Smeagol’s hungry for one of your heads!

I feel like it comes to show the largest amount of Gollum, as it shows his personality.

Overall this a good poem, and it is as perfect as you can get without being a perfect human. :D




GoldFlame says...


Thanks, and welcome to YWS :)!



GreenTulip says...


Thank you!



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Thu Dec 05, 2013 3:44 am
Dreamery says...



I call him Smeagol, mostly. I love Lord of the Rings and the "Hobbitses."




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! I used Gollum because it's found more in the Hobbit, in case any Hobbit fans wanted to read this.



Omi1 says...


Hey, don't know that my opinion counts for much, but here it is anyways. :)
The way I get it is that his name used to be Smeagol when he was a hobbit (or whatever he was...) and lost his name after finding the ring, then replacing it with Gollum (which, according to the books, was one of the only other things he said aside from precious). So, it can be concluded that when in his right mind, he is Smeagol, and when possessed by the power of the ring, he is Gollum.
For this reason, I feel it very appropriate that the name Gollum was used because it shows his darker side. :)



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Thu Dec 05, 2013 3:30 am
milica5532 says...



oh my gosh this is really cool! Smeagol is such a creepy character and to hear a poem from himself, made up of course, is pretty interesting. I like how there is a rhyme scheme like the "words, birds", "sweet, meat" and "bread, heads". I can barely make up rhymes!




GoldFlame says...


Same! I'm a new poet, and sometimes I cheat and use RhymeZone :).



GoldFlame says...


Same! I'm a new poet, and sometimes I cheat and use RhymeZone :).



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Thu Dec 05, 2013 3:09 am
gottahaveFaith wrote a review...



To GoldFlame,

Ha, I like it. It is interesting to put a poem into a point of view we all know about. Since I have seen the LOTR I could hear him speak while reading this. And since I was reading it like him I didn't picture him saying the word indignant. That is the only thing to break the poem for me. Overall definitely very creative. Nice work.

-gottaHaveFaith




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! Now that you point that out, I completely agree. I admit, it's difficult finding a balance between Gollum-speech and toddler-speech :). My original words were "loud, loud, loud hiss." What do you think would be a suitable replacement?





maybe if you said screeching so it would be, " is a loud, screeching hiss"



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Thu Dec 05, 2013 12:41 am
MooCowPoop says...



How humorous! I've never read or seen any of the Lord of the Rings series, but I've heard about Gollum. I like the way you make him speak. This is a very funny poem, I wish I knew more about it so that I could know more about this series, but cool.




GoldFlame says...


Ah, you need to read Lord of the Rings!!! Or watch it, I guess, but as always, the books are better...Thanks!



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 8:40 pm
Jonathan says...



Nice job buddy.




GoldFlame says...


Thanks!



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 8:19 pm
ElectricSkies wrote a review...



First off, I would like to thank you for writing a poem as Gollum. I had no idea I wanted this until I read it. You did a great job mimicking his character and I really appreciate how the subject of the poem would be something that he would actually write about. Again, fantastic job! I absolutely loved it!

~ElectricSkies




GoldFlame says...


Thanks!



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 6:40 pm
Messenger says...



Hehehe. Hilarious. Just came off watching three of the four Tolkien movies, so Gollum is fresh in my mind. Great poem.




GoldFlame says...


Thanks!



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 6:39 pm



This is really good, I'm currently reading The Hobbit and this fits Gollum just right! :D Good job! :D




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! Loving the Hobbit? :)





Yeah, it's so good! I intend to go onto The Lord of the Rings book after! :D



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Calvinn wrote a review...



Hey there, Calvinn to review!

This is the first time I am reviewing poetry, but I had to read this! Don't eat my head off, but I'm not a huge fan of the books themselves (the movies yes), but I still got the gist of the poem. Well, wow! The rhyme feels natural, not forced EXCEPT for the third stanza. Also, as has already pointed out, the second verse of the third stanza is indeed somewhat off-putting.

The idea is brilliant - whoever would have thought to write a poem from Gollum's perspective? Really curious as to how you got the idea, but seeing as you're a fan of the books, I guess that explains it.

That's all I have to say really. I guess the one good thing about Gollum-speech is that it's goodbye to ortography and hello hisses!

Well done and good job!

Calvinn.




GoldFlame says...


Thanks! I'm not much of a poet, so I used Gollum as an excuse for any possible mistakes :).



Calvinn says...


Didn't realise it was you GoldFlame! Haha, the irony! Really well done on this :)



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 5:38 pm
strawberrybeaches217 wrote a review...



Hi there my friend! I read this and immediately fell in love with it! You captured Gollum entirely in his fullness! You should seriously write more poems like this! ;)

Your rhyme and rhythm was superb! I especially loved when you wrote (nasty, fat hobbittses)! I love it in the story and your poem!

Keep up the good work!

~BlimeyLimey217




GoldFlame says...


Thanks!



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 5:05 pm
Omi1 wrote a review...



I really liked this and I love the idea of dedicating this to JRR Tolkien. :) The humor in here was great and I really appreciate the effort you put in here. On all accounts it was great. However, since this site is meant to help everyone develop their talents, I'm gonna point out all the stuff in here I didn't like. Hopefully you'll be able to use it to make your poem even better. :)


To start off... I think you may have over done it with the "gollum type" of speech. Gollum talks funny but he isn't a kindergarten kid. He might use words like "Hobbitses" and "birdsies" but the way you've set it up makes him sound unintelligent. Remember that Gollum is still rather intelligent, just extremely illiterate.

Also, the last line...

Smeagol’s hungry for one of your heads!

...is rather strange... I can tell that it was meant to be humorous and I get that, but you have to remember that humorous or not, this is still a poem and should follow certain rules. One being that you should stick true to Gollum's character. Gollum has eaten orcs/trolls/ and possibly hobbits too, but why does he suddenly turn on the reader. In the books, we find that Gollum does have some sense of self control except when it comes to the ring, and I didn't see any indication that the reader might have the ring.

Now, I can't be sure if I like this or not, but you keep making references to the movie...
juicy

tender sweet

nine teeths

Stupid, mean, fat Hobbitses

It makes sense and all, but it doesn't display any creativity.


Well, I think I'll stop there. Hope it helped!!




GoldFlame says...


Yeah, now that I look back on it, it's not very original...My intention was to make it light and funny, but you're definitely right. And about the last line, he was supposed to be addressing the birds; I guess that that just wasn't clear. Thanks, that really helped :)!



Omi1 says...


For sure, this was definately a humorous peice of litereature and I thoroughly enjoyed it!



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 4:54 pm
Ossum says...



Hehe, pretty funny there guy ^-^

I enjoyed reading it a lot, I had Gollum's voice rivetting my head with the words so it made it very enjoyable, hehe. Write more ^-^




GoldFlame says...


Thanks!



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 2:47 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmyjake here to write a review!

First I want to tell you that J.R.R. Tolkien is my favorite author, too. Perhaps not his writing style as much as his imagination and just how the characters play out. Gollum(And Sméagol. Can't forget him) is one of my favorite characters on the humor side of things. Of course Gandalf is my favorite, period. ;)
I don't actually see anything worth critiquing. It is obvious that Gollum himself wrote this, who obviously hasn't gone to any grammar classes. Funny how he was able to get all of the punctuation in, though! :)
Wonderful poem, very funny. I hope you make a few more from Gollum's point of view in the future. Maybe a "ballad" on the virtues of the precious? :P
Keep writing!
~Timmyjake




GoldFlame says...


True, I was wondering how to incorporate the Precious, and I thought that punctuation errors might be too much. Thanks for the review!



timmyjake says...


This was a while ago....



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 12:51 pm
Alvarin says...



Haha, this is awesome xD Your really managed to capture Gollum's way of speaking. It's awesome. You should write more of these ;)




GoldFlame says...


Thanks!




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