Prayers for deliverance and justice,
desperate hope that there might be
an end this side of death.
They waited in the shadows
and asked with mournful truth
when exactly is enough?
Righteous troubadours went,
and struck a solemn chord,
with songs of Revolution.
Men and children went,
to fight, to die-
to live.
Girls too, went,
not much more
than children themselves,
They wept for their fallen,
and learned to cry
like grown women.
With brilliant fires
and cold steel,
the dawn rose once again,
In the shadow of
the Valley of Death.
Such children as they were,
they too, wept,
For mothers, for home,
for brothers
laid to rest, eternal,
in Sunday best
of dirt and blood.
So silently we watched
through thousand-mile windows.
What could we say?
Were they Visionaries,
or rebels,
or traitors?
Enemies of the public,
who raped and killed,
and spilt blood
across virgin snow?
We would give them titles,
but we never learned their names.
One by one they rose
and then fell.
Their flesh turned to ash,
then memory, then nothing.
But still, one by one they came.
Knowing their bodies would die,
they knew they had to fight
else all would be lost.
So spake with rakish grins,
and the burning tears of martyrs-
"Shoot, coward,
You are only going to kill a man."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey there, God. Been a long time since I've read your work, let alone critiqued it. Good to know you still have your flair.
I don't really do nitpicks, but before I get to the overall run down, I want to throw somethings at you that stood out:
>
And seems like it should be an. Unless you're using poetic license and whatnot it seems awkward.
> Watch your wording. It's excellent to maintain a style of voice and here you kind of vary, especially at the part when you say "girls, too, went" -- just say girls went too or something more fluid, because you're staggering. And flow's important!
> And, last nitpicky thing: watch the questioning. Too many questions in poetry comes off as preachy even though you're merely doing it to raise a point. Don't over do it, and towards the end, I felt that you were straddling the fence of too much.
*
I like your poetry voice; very similar to that of a few classic American poets. Nonetheless, it's terribly appreciative in the way that you don't cloud everything up with pretty words and such not. It would be good to toss in flowery stuff such as imagery, simile, personfication and whatevernot to bring your words to life a little more.
The easy narrative style is good, and does leave us with a lot to think about; two thumbs up on that. Remember that how you write has an important effect on what you write (and this is why I mention adding poetic devices). You have a load of potential to write stuff with great impact and lasting impressions on your audience.
Put it to good use. Thanks for the read. I enjoyed it.
Two thumbs up,
June
Dear God, (haha)
Profound. Seriously. *Star*
Sincerly,
Ash
Dear God:
Wow! This was really good! It looks like everyone else has caught the errors, so I can just shower you with praise! *throws flowers*
I loved your wording! it was so sad, yet true.
This was a beautiful piece of work-- please keep writing.
--Dreamy
Hey there God. Let's take a look at this, shall we? I found it to be quite good. I loved the plot, the mood and the feel, but I do have a few nitpicks. ^^
The language in the first part is beautiful. It reminds me of an old bible verse, which is funny, since your name is God.
The 'T' in 'they' should be capitalized, because it's the beginning of a new sentence. In poetry, you also make the first word of ever line capitalized. I see you don't do hat, so remember to fix it. ^^
The ending of this sentence/stanza just seems a little flat to me, like turning a movie off in the dead middle of it. I feel like there could be more substances to it, possibly talking about the preparations for the first battle, or some of the motives the people have to start a revolution.
Are you talking about the civil war or the American revolution? If it's the latter, children didn't fight in it. Secondly, the dash after die should be a comma.
This stanza is confusing and better deleted from the poem. Women and girls didn't go to war, and the fact that 'girls not much more then children' is a little redundant.
The rest is perfect.
You're a fantastic poet, and I was hooked by your poem from beginning to end. I love your style. Please PM me if you have any questions, and/or if you post something new.
there ya go, fixed and re-edited version. better than before
I apologize, but something seems to be wrong with it... or maybe i'm just computer illiterate, but i cant get the line breaks to work, so I underlined the last line of each verse, I hope that it will help, enjoy the poem, yeah?
Hello! Call me Freak, if you like.
Well, let's start. First of all you kept capitalizing things, words:
I don't know if you're trying to emphasize this, but you shouldn't do it for good grammar.
What did you need the little line (forgot what it was called, sorry)for? Well, I don't think it should be there.
Other than those small nitpicks you did a really good job
Keep chillin' like you do