Soul Cutters Chapter 21

by Gnomish

Published March 6, 2020

In Soul Cutters

Ten minutes later we were on our way to Mr. Teller’s office. On the way out of the office we had seen Mr. Teller leave, and now Mr. Ledwell and I were racing him to his office.

We needed to get there before him, to warn Mel to get out and wait for the Orderer’s to arrive. With any luck had found something a letter or diary that could be used as evidence. If not, then we had to go to plan B.

I saw a glimpse of my reflection in a store window and stopped. My curved nose and fair skin were familiar, but I had dark bags under my eyes from stress and traveling. It was a wonder Darren even recognized me. In comparison he looked the healthier of us, other than that he was dead. The thought sobered me up, and I swallowed back the lump in my throat. He’s happy, I told myself. He’s happy and you can remember him. That’s more than most people get.

Mr. Ledwell grabbed my arm and pulled me forward, cutting through the crowd. I glanced back and thought I could see Mr. Teller’s hat through the hoards of people.

Luckily we were almost at Brook Avenue and Mr. Teller’s office, where we would warn Mel and get out, hopefully to hide in a nearby office. We reached the office and bounded up the steps, knocking three times on the door as a signal to Mel. She opened the door and peeked out, before running across the hall and opening the door of the adjacent office. I felt a prickle of fear at being in front of the office again. But this time I had backup with me.

“This is empty,” Mel said, beckoning us in. “I checked before I started the search. Once we were all in the room, with the door closed and locked behind us, I asked the burning question.

“Did you find anything?” I asked eagerly.

She shook her head, disappointed. “Unfortunately not. What about you? Success with Mr. Sallon?”

I nodded. “He’s gone to get the Orderer’s. Hopefully between him and Mary they’ll be here soon.”

Mel suddenly clamped a hand over my mouth, pointing at the door. I stilled, and could hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The floorboards creaked with the unmistakably sound of Mr. Teller’s heavy boots. I heard the door across from us open, then close, and I held my breath.

“I think I hear the Orderer’s,” Mr. Ledwell whispered. “Mel, are you sure you want to do this?” She nodded. “Right, then you should go into the office now, try to entice him into confessing without putting yourself in danger. I’ll go down and greet the Orderer’s, hopefully it’ll only take a couple minutes-“

“-And I’ll be here in case you need help.” I finished.

Mel and Mr. Ledwell unlocked the door and slipped out. I closed the door and heard her open the door of the office as Mr. Ledwell’s footsteps faded down the stairs.

“Father,” Mel called out. “Father, John are you here?”

I didn’t here a response. “He’s not here!” She called, and I could here her walking around the office.

I opened the door to help her, and came face to face with Mr. Teller, gun in hand. I opened my mouth to scream, but he slammed a hand over my mouth and backed me into the office, kicking the door shut and locking it behind him.

“Well, well,” he hissed, keeping the pistol pointed at me. “Look at the little eavesdropper!” He laughed. “And a snitch too. Luckily for me, not a very bright snitch.” I took another step back towards the window. “When you’re trying to stay ahead of someone, it’s best if you don’t stop and let him see you,” He stepped forward and whispered in my ear. I jerked away and struggled against grip. One more step and I would be by the window.

And then what? I doubted I could break the window, and in any case I wasn’t about to jump out. He cocked the pistol and I froze, paralyzed in fear. Where were the Orderer’s?

“It’s time for you to take a return trip to the Otherworld,” Mr. Teller spat. He aimed the pistol and the door flew open. I ducked as he fired a shot, and ran under his arm towards the Orderer standing in the doorway. He spun around and shot again, this time missing me by a hair and hitting the wall by the doorway.

“Run!” Mel yelled, safely blocked.

“Mel!” I ran past the Orderer and embraced my friend, crying into her shoulder.

“Mel?” Mr. Teller lowered his gun and stared at his daughter. “You knew about this-this evil plot against the city and all cutters?”

She stared him down, letting go of me. “Don’t try that, father.” She said, anger burning in her eyes. “You deceived me and lied to me and now you tried to kill my friend. The only one who’s planning an evil plot here is you and your dirty friend.”

He glared at her. “It’s your own fault. This would have had nothing to do with you until you brought her to me.” He turned his gaze to me. “And you! You came to me with all your plans and delusions of Cutting. It was almost too easy! And then it worked and I had to find someway of doing you in myself.”

“Well, it didn’t work.” I said, sounding braver than I felt. “I’m here and I’m alive.”

He growled and fired again, the Orderer’s barging in as Mr. Ledwell grabbed both Mel and I and pulled us out the hall and down the stairs.

“Let’s go,” he said, pushing us out the door and into the cool, crisp air. “The Orderer’s will handle this.”

I nodded silently, shocked. I glanced over at Mel, who was crying. “Are you okay?” I asked stupidly.

She wiped away her tears. “I’m fine, just scared. And I wasn’t even being shot at!”

I giggled, a little hysteric. “Let’s get you home,” Mr. Ledwell said, seemingly concerned.

I frowned. “Won’t they want statements?”

Mr. Ledwell scoffed. “Statements? What do they need statements? They just saw a man shooting at an unarmed girl, didn’t they?”

“Miss Alander!” We turned to see an Orderer striding towards us from the building. “We’d like a word with you before you head off. And you two as well,” he said, gesturing to Mr. Ledwell and Mel.

Mr. Ledwell cursed under his breath. “Very well. I’m Jonathon Ledwell, and this is Mel Teller.”

The Orderer frowned. “Does she have any relation with Mr. John Teller?” he asked, speaking to Mr. Ledwell.

“He’s my father,” Mel said quietly.

The Orderer looked uncomfortable. “Right, then. I’m sorry, but I’d like all of you to come to the station to explain the situation.”

“What about Mr. Teller?” I asked.

“He’ll be brought to the jail until we can figure out what’s happened and arranged a trial.”

I glanced back at the office as we turned and left, hoping to never return there again.

After our questioning (which consisted of being separated and asked a series of questions regarding Mr. Teller, myself, and what Mr. Sallon and Mary Ledwell had said), I was allowed to go home. Mr. Ledwell was speaking to Mr. Sallon, and Mel was staying at the station until they could find somewhere for her to stay.

When I got to my house, I sat down at the kitchen table and waited for Mother to come home. I expected she would arrive soon, and I had much to tell her. Had it really only been this morning that I heard Mr. Teller’s conversation? So much had happened, between going to Artona, seeing Mary, returning to the city, meeting with Mr. Sallon, hiding out in Mr. Teller’s office, almost being shot, and my questioning.

I looked up as Mother opened the door and wearily hung up her coat and purse. She looked up, saw me, and ran over. I stood to accept her embrace, and found myself shaking with tears again.

“Oh, my dear,” Mother said, sitting me back in my chair and taking the seat opposite. “What’s the matter?”

I pulled myself together to briefly describe how Mel and Ledwell had found me, and how we’d gone to see Mr. Ledwell’s sister. “She was sweet, but crazy,” I said. “She had an adorable dog, but her poor cat!”

“What was wrong with her cat?” Mother asked.

“She was engaged. To the neighbor’s cat!”

Mother laughed, but concern was still etched into her face. She could tell there was a lot more to the story.

I didn’t bother explaining our conversation with Mr. Sallon, just saying that we managed to convince him and he went to the Orderer’s. She was dead silent when I told her how we had ran ahead of Mr. Teller and hid in the office until he got home. At this point I started shaking with fear, and it took a moment before I could speak again.

“Mr. Ledwell went down to wait for the Orderer’s,” I said in a quivering voice. “Mel went into Mr. Teller’s office. She started calling for him, but there was no answer, so I unlocked the door and-“ I stopped and took a deep ragged breath. “I unlocked the door, and there was Mr. Teller.” Mother gasped and I talked quickly, speeding through the story. “He had a pistol, and he locked us both in the office we were hiding in. He was talking, but he had the pistol pointed at me. I thought about breaking the window, but before he could shoot the Orderer’s barged in. He shot at me, but I ducked, and the next bullet missed. Mel, Mr. Ledwell, and I left, and Mr. Teller was arrested, but we had to go to the Orderer’s Station to answer some questions. I don’t know when his trial will be.”

“Oh my poor girl,” Mother stood and hugged me again, and I leaned my head on her shoulder, letting tears slide down my face. “Go to sleep,” she said. “It’s late, and we can figure things out in the morning.”

I nodded silently, and when I reached my room I collapsed on the bed without changing or brushing my hair. Tomorrow I would go to the Cutting Center and talk to Mr. Sallon about the cutting, and maybe go to the Orderer’s station to talk to Mel. But first, I would sleep.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
LadyMysterio
Review
LadyMysterio wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2020

Hello! Lady Mysterio here to review.
The whole story flows nicely. you portrayed the anxiety and rush of the situation nicely as well.
Absolutely no spelling mistakes!

I found a few sentences need to be reworded or changed.
With any luck had found something a letter or diary that could be used as evidence.
I jerked away and struggled against grip.

Also, keep in mind these things when writing dialogue
Make sure that when the tag is at the beginning set the quotation mark off with a comma

When the tag is at the end, place the punctuation mark inside the quotation marks

When the tag is in between, use quotation marks around
each part of the divided quotation and set off the speaker’s tag with commas,
unless the quotation is divided into two complete sentences,
in which case, punctuate as when the tag is at the end

I also love your choice in words. It really helps create a word picture.

Thanks for the review!

Thanks for the review!

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2020

Heya Gnomish,

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Slytherins! I feel like I've reviewed for this story in the past, but I honestly can't remember many details, so I'm going to jump into this as if I hadn't read any of the previous chapters. Let's get started...

Ten minutes later we were on our way to Mr. Teller’s office.


So, the danger with doing direct continuations like this, is it doesn't leave your reader with any context for what's going on in this chapter. It's important that in your first paragraph of every chapter you give some context so the reader is able to follow along. It doesn't have to be a lot, and you definitely don't need to re-explain everything, but chapter breaks are generally where people pause when reading if they need to accomplish something else. In an ideal world the readers would be reading this immediately after they read chapter 20, but maybe the went to put in a load of wash and made dinner, and they come back and need to be gently re-immersed into the story, rather than being thrust in with a "ten minutes later" does that make sense?

Add some more context. You could start this more like "___ and I hurried towards Mr. Teller's office, panting for breath as we pushed our way through the busy street" or something like that. I'm not suggesting you use that exact example. Just add in some more context for who is in this scene, what they're seeing/smelling/touching/sensing, and what they're doing right then and there.

I opened the door to help her, and came face to face with Mr. Teller, gun in hand.


Wow! That's a twist!

I think I would like if you took another sentence or two to really build this. This! is! a! big! thing! Character coming face to face with a bad guy with a gun! Scary! But it almost gets glossed over, how you have it now. Maybe try to add in a bit more suspense? Some descriptions?

For example, short sentences generally have the feel of building suspense and being more urgent. So, if you had something like:

"I opened the door to help her, stopping short as I found my path blocked. My heart felt like it fell straight to the pit of my stomach as I found myself staring into the face of Mr. Teller. A glint in his hand drew my eye, and my nervous gaze flicked down to the pistol in his hand. My mouth instantly went dry. I opened my mouth to cry out, gaze desperately searching for Mel."

Or, something. I'm not suggesting you copy that (though you're welcome to take whatever parts of it is helpful if you like) but do you see what I mean? Add some description in and some emotion and really build this suspense. Get your readers to tap in to the anxiety, not just "oh no a gun I guess" you know?

“Mel?” Mr. Teller lowered his gun and stared at his daughter. “You knew about this-this evil plot against the city and all cutters?”


This dialogue seems a little canned. If that's Mr. Teller's style then go for it -- I don't know the characters well enough to fully say. But this "evil plot against the city" sounds like something out of a movie -- not something that is actually believable dialogue for a character to be saying unless you're intentionally characterizing him as pretentious.

After our questioning (which consisted of being separated and asked a series of questions regarding Mr. Teller, myself, and what Mr. Sallon and Mary Ledwell had said), I was allowed to go home. Mr. Ledwell was speaking to Mr. Sallon, and Mel was staying at the station until they could find somewhere for her to stay.

When I got to my house, I sat down at the kitchen table and waited for Mother to come home. I expected she would arrive soon, and I had much to tell her.


So, take the next comment I have with a grain of salt (as in, don't feel obligated to accept this suggestion by any means, but I think it's a good idea so I'll share it in case you like it as well).

This is another somewhat anti-climatic moment in this story. I in general am strongly against parenthetical statemetns in fiction. If it's important enough for you to include it, then it doesn't need to be in a parenthetical. And if it's not important enough of a detail for you to include without a parenthetical, then it's not important enough to be there at all.

I think however that a bit more showing rather than telling would substantially improve this bit.

What I mean by that, is what if you cut straight to the scene of your MC being home? Have like:

"I paced back and forth in the common area of our house, waiting anxiously for my mother to come home. There was so much I needed to tell her. The questioning had been stressful. The officers separated me away from my friends and asked a series of questions regarding Mr. Teller, before allowing me to come home. Mr. Ledwell had left to go speak with Mr. Sallon. Mel was being kept at the station until they could find a place for her to stay. And here I was, bursting with things to tell my mother, barely able to contain it until she got home from work.

I sat down at the kitchen table with a heavy sigh."

Again, not suggesting you copy that. But you see the difference? Instead of passively telling us what went down, give us a bit more life and emotions to go with it. Give us actions as your MC thinks through all of it. Help us to feel what they are feeling while they wait for their mother.

~ ~ ~

Overall, this was a nice chapter! It was very dramatic! I think, as I mentioned, that if you slowed it down a bit and fleshed it out it would help for the suspense to be more poignant and convey the urgency that your MC is no doubt feeling during all of this.

I'm going to throw in a good ol' fashion schadenfreude and fahrvergnügen in the spirit of review day ;)

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

Image

Thanks for the review! I'll try to add some more details and draw it out more.

Random avatar
Stellarjay
Review
Stellarjay wrote a review Review · Apr 26, 2020

Hello Gnomish,
Stellarjay here for a quick review. I must confess, I haven't read the other chapters of this story, so I will not be critiquing your story line or your characters. But since this is review day, I'll be jumping in with both feet!
1) This chapter had really good flow to it, it was easy to read and I didn't get stuck anywhere.
There were a few times where you missed a quotation mark or misspelled a word. I would just re-read and check everything over.

2) I know I wouldn't comment on the story line, but in the scene where the main character is being threatened by Mr. Teller and the Orders barge in I noticed a few inconsistencies. First, if the door was locked how did the Orderers get in so easily? Second, what were the Orderers doing while Mr. Teller and Mel were talking? wouldn't they be handcuffing him or something? That was the only place where I noticed something like this.

3) I don't think you ever mentioned the main characters name throughout the entire chapter. I didn't even know her gender until the end of the chapter. I would definitely have the other characters address her by her name some where.

That is all! Overall a nicely laid out chapter with lots of action. It flowed nicely and no major inconsistencies! Keep on writing!!

- Stellarjay

Thanks for the review! I've actually never mentioned her name in the whole story, but I'm going to change that (Probably).



"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind