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Young Writers Society



Soul Cutters Chapter 13

by Gnomish


The next day we arrived at Brutehaven. Mel seemed normal again, last night’s episode having worn off. I offered her a bun, but she declined. I shrugged and took a bite out of mine.

“How long do you think it’s going to be?” I asked.

“’Till the station?” She looked surprised. “Ten minutes maybe?”

I finished my bun and reached under the crate for my stack of smuggled items, trying (unsuccessfully) to stuff them into my pockets.

“Here.” Mel handed me a small cloth bag. I thanked her, not wanting to think about where she got it. I grabbed my other bag, and slung one on each shoulder.

“Do you know any good inns around here?” I asked.

“Why don’t you stay with me?” She suggested.

I was faintly surprised she offered. “Where are you staying?”

She chuckled. “I live here.”

“You do?”

She nodded. “I was just visiting Artona, and decided to come home.

“Our you sure your parents won’t mind?” I asked, cautious of stepping on anyone’s toes,

Mel’s gaze darkened, and she looked away. “My mother died a long time ago. My father-“ she paused. “He isn’t here.”

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “My father died when I was young as well.”

She nodded, still not looking at me. “Anyways,” she began, false enthusiasm in her voice. “This way!”

I followed her through the dark, winding streets of Brutehaven. As we walked, Mel talked.

“Brutehaven, being only accessed via the Cartrain, and far away from the city, is a haven for outlaws, gangs, and of course,” she paused, chuckling a bit, “Brutes.”

I smiled. “Do you have any idea where I might find someone who would know anything about unconventional cutting methods?”

She stopped. “There aren’t any real Cutters here, but one comes here a lot.”

“What’s his name?” I asked eagerly.

“Jonathon.” She replied. “Jonathon Ledwell.”

“As in Jonathon, power and money loving Jonathon?” I asked out loud.

Mel looked at me strangely. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!” She said.

“Never mind.” I replied, but my mind was racing. Mr. Hillington’s words came back to me. Not to mention he’s obsessed with “other” ways of Cutting. Always leaving and coming back with stupid ideas, trying to completely change our system.” I couldn’t believe I didn’t think of him sooner. He was probably coming to Brutehaven when he left, and probably knows the most about strange Cutting ideas than anyone. When Mr. Hillington and Mr. Sallon were talking about him I thought he was just someone who was trying to take over the Cutting Center, but maybe he actually had good ideas, and nobody was listening to him.

“Where does he stay?” I asked. “Is there a Cutting Center here?”

Mel shook her head. “There’s no Cutting Center here. At least, not an active one. I think there’s an old Center, but it’s probably overrun by some gang, and I doubt Ledwell would be there.”

I pondered this. “Does he have any relatives?” I asked.

“There’s a woman in town who he spends a lot of time with. She might know where he stays.” Mel replied. “Mary Parson is her name, she lives on 6th Street.”

“Parson, as in Dan Parson?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Possibly. I doubt Parson is a very rare surname though.” Mel had stopped walking in front of a small but neat little house, wedged between to other similar houses. “Here we are. 114 2nd Street. Home sweet home.”

I waited on the porch as she fumbled with her key, until the door finally swung open. She marched inside, and I followed cautiously, closing the door behind me. It was dark, but I could make out the shapes of a small kitchen and a sofa, and a couple doors at the end of a hall.

Mel crossed over to the kitchen and drew back the drapes on the window. Light streamed into the room, causing me to look away. She then proceeded to go around the house, pulling back curtains and replacing the candles in the lanterns that hung from the ceiling.

I set my bags down onto the floor, and looked around again. One of the doors was open to reveal a small bed and closet, which I assumed belonged to Mel.

“Let’s get your room set up and then we can go look for Mary.” I followed Mel into one of the rooms. It was almost bare except for a trunk in the corner of the room, a bureau and a bed. “This is my father’s room.” Mel explained. “He’s rarely here, and I don’t think he’s supposed to come back for another month or so. All his stuff is in that trunk so don’t go through it.”

I placed one of my bags on the bureau, and the other on the bed. “You have a nice house.” I said.

She nodded, almost reluctantly. “The houses on 2nd are the nicest, really the only nice, houses in Brutehaven. 5th and 6th Street aren’t bad, but the rest of the streets consist of crumbling buildings and hideouts for gangs.” She led me back into the kitchen. “Are you hungry?” she asked.

I shook my head. I’d eaten a bun this morning and I was used to going without food for long periods of time. She grabbed her key and left the house, closing and locking the door behind me. We set of towards 6th Street, and hopefully Mary Parson.

Mel was certainly right about the niceness of the streets. After we passed 3rd Street the buildings became increasingly shabby, and I stuck close to Mel, avoiding the eyes that followed us from alleyways. The sun was high in the sky, and the rickety buildings didn’t provide much shelter. I was sweating by the time we made it to 6th Street, and took a minute to catch my breath before looking up at the house we had stopped at.

It was smaller than the Mel’s house, very narrow, with two stories and a couple of grimy windows. Mel rapped on the door, and it was opened promptly. A large golden retriever barreled out, licking our hands and wagging its tail. A middle-aged woman with graying hair and kind eyes followed.

“Are you Mary Parson?” I asked.

She nodded, looking around warily.

“I’m looking for Jonathon Ledwell.” I said, getting straight to the point.

“Come on in,” she said, opening the door wide and pulling back the dog. “Don’t mind Tesla, she gets excited about visitors.”

Mel and I followed her into the house, which was dim despite the many lanterns. She pulled out a chair for each of us around the small table, scooping up a gray cat and placing it on the floor.

“Your pets are adorable.” Mel said.

“Thank you!” Mary replied. “Now what was that about Jonathon.”

“I’m a-“ I began, quickly remembering the story of Mel’s mother. “I’m looking for Mr. Ledwell, are you related?”

Mary nodded. “He’s my brother. We grew up here, and he visits often, but lives in the city now.”

“Do you know whether he’s here and where he’s staying?” I asked.

“I believe he arrived just a couple days ago.” She replied. “If he is here he would be staying at 76 5th Street.”

“Thank you,” Mel said, grabbing my arm.

I wrenched my hand out of her grasp. “If you don’t mind me asking, Ms. Parson,” I began. “But are you related to Dan Parson.”

She sighed. “Yes, he was my husband. As I’m sure you’ve realized many Cartrain workers live here.”

“And do you think he actually helped Barry Dunhill escape?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Danny was a good man. He would have helped someone get out of the city if he thought they needed help, but he would never have helped a criminal.”

“Thank you Mrs. Parson.” I said, finally letting Mel drag me out of the house. 


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386 Reviews


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Mon Aug 12, 2019 2:43 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi again @Gnomish I desided to do a real quick review for you on this chapter to. So lets get right into it shell we.
So I really do like this story and all the chapters and stuff. But I do have some dislikes about it.

So first, I feel like there is just to much talking going on. It can be a little boring sometimes when there is so much talking, and not much else.

Second thing, this kind of goes with the first problem I have, I just feel like there is not much description because the talking is over riding that. I just feel like your have got your folk-es on sound mostly and a bit of description, and well sound.

Third thing, this is also one that is tide with everything else. I don't really feel like your really getting much of the other censers that you should have. I am going to list them of then I am will say witch ones need work and stuff.
Description, See, Sound, Smell, Touch, feelings, thoughts,

Okay so I think that you need to mostly work on Smell, Touch, and feelings. Also the touch is like touching something. And feelings are like feelings in side of the characters. also Description you need to work on to a bit. I just think if you can ficks this up with more of these things then it will be greater.

One last thing, I also feel like this is slow to really get moving. There is no real enemy or something to fight about. I just feel like there just moving really slowly and were not really talking about any action at all.

So that is all that I can say pleas also listen to @LanaOverland hew has some smart words to. If I was being to harsh witch I mite have been I feel like this was a ruff review then pleas I am really sorry will you forgive me for it. So keep it up.

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




Gnomish says...


Thanks for your review! I definitely agree with you and I'll try to add more descriptions!



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Tue Jul 09, 2019 9:01 pm
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LanaOverland wrote a review...



Hi. I'm Lana.

So I like to start out with a summary to make sure I have the details straight: Mel and POV character (who I'm sure has a name and pronouns, but I just don't know it, sorry) arrive or have arrived in Brutehaven where Mel lives. They have just stolen some stuff in the last section. Mel it turns out lives in a really nice house with her dad who is away a lot. They meet Mary Parson, who gives them their next lead.

I'm going to be honest. I'm not a mystery writer. I've written mysteries before (never again), but that will come up later. It's a little difficult to review content when I'm in the middle of the story where world building has already happened and words have been established, so I'll be honest I don't know what mystery they're solving or what the tone/world should be like. So if I sound confused in places, that might not be your story, it might just be that I'm jumping into the middle of something. With that out of the way I had three(ish) critiques I want to talk about.

First: “I followed her through the dark, winding streets of Brutehaven. As we walked, Mel talked.” ----I’m not noticing a lot of technical errors (syntax and so forth, not like spelling and grammar which I make a point not to review for), but I am a little bothered by the lack of environmental detail. I for one am a writer who likes a lot of environmental detail and specification in my own writing (not everyone does and that’s okay it's a matter of taste), so the lack of environmental details sticks out to me. In this example there’s a cursory glance over what Brutehaven is--dark and winding—but because it is such a fast description I don’t have the time to really get a good idea of how I should feel about the characters being in Brutehaven. Is this a good thing? Do they like not being seen? Or is it intimidating? Do they have mixed feelings about it. I don't necessarily want you to say "I was scared" or "I felt at home," but by giving us some physical details about the place (ie what stands out to the POV character, some physical response from the characters, etc) would help. Basically expand on what it looks like, set the scene a little more (maybe you already did that, but you're repeating some description here so it must be important to the scene now).

On the whole of the beginning section I felt there was a lack of some emotional detail. For example there's the point about the buns earlier. “I finished my bun and reached under the crate for my stack of smuggled items, trying (unsuccessfully) to stuff them into my pockets,” stuff like that. It has a lot of specificity, but it lacks an emotional appeal to it. Like it’s specific, it describes what is going on, but it doesn’t give the audience much information about what the characters are feeling. Is the MC embarrassed by not getting stuff in their pockets, are they frantic about getting them in their pockets quickly, are they embarrassed about being a thief? It’s something that kept coming up for me, the tone felt very matter of fact, kind of monotone, uninterested. It pushed the characters away from me, and made it harder for me to connect with them and their problems.

In a second draft of this I would probably hone in on some of these things and elaborate. My rule of thumb is environmental detail is important so far as it gives the audience an understanding of the characters. That’s because, usually, unless the detail is elaborated on and makes us understand something about the state of the characters and the tone of the world they are in, the audience--I don’t want to say doesn’t care, because we do, but the audience won’t understand why it’s being brought up. The amount of attention you give to these details shows the audience how much they should care about them and thus effects how immersed they are in the narrative as a whole.

Wow, I’m sorry that was long. Like I said there’s nothing technically wrong, it’s a stylistic thing that would probably be taken care of in further drafts when you have a better sense of what you want to emphasize and what the tone should be in each scene. You get better at this later on in the section, there's more physical details and responses from the characters about those details, but those again could still be further elaborated on. Slow down, take your time, the characters aren't rushing so there's time for introspection.

‘“Brutehaven, being only accessed via the Cartrain, and far away from the city, is a haven for outlaws, gangs, and of course,’”----So dialogue. It’s a bit difficult for me to gauge dialogue here because I don’t really know your characters and what their backgrounds are, but this piece of dialogue felt really unnatural to me. It’s a bit of exposition. Combining this with my last critique, this point about the city could have been addressed earlier in environmental details (like maybe they see the Cartrain earlier or when they’re walking or they see lots of shady people around) without the characters needing to say it out loud to each other. I hate to say “show not tell” because it’s not always true, but in this case it’s a detail that would set the tone so show is appropriate.

“I think there’s an old Center, but it’s probably overrun by some gang,”----Character Point: wouldn’t she know? She lives here right?

“It was almost bare except for a trunk in the corner of the room, a bureau and a bed”----Second, minor, Character Point: so I said I don’t correct grammar things, but it’s distracting when the first item of a list has a special specification and the others don’t. I would move the trunk to the end of the list since it’s not the first thing anyone would notice anyway. Like I don’t walk into a bedroom and notice the trashcan behind the desk before the bed.

““The houses on 2nd are the nicest, really the only nice, houses in Brutehaven. 5th and 6th Street aren’t bad, but the rest of the streets consist of crumbling buildings and hideouts for gangs.””----Third Character Point: HOW HAVE YOU NOT BEEN ROBBED?

““Thank you Mrs. Parson.” I said, finally letting Mel drag me out of the house.”----So, and this is coming from someone who has written this kind of scene before, they arrive at Mel’s house—leave—go to this woman’s house to get a lead—barely talk to the woman who gives them all the information they need without asking why they need it—leave. And again, I don’t do this to be rude, because I have written this scene dozens of times and it's a draft, but Mary seems like a prop character. She could have easily been replaced by the MC’s just starting out with some of this information, or making the assumption that it could be true. It’s a mystery story. The MC’s are therefore detectives (whether or not they are professionals), so they should be established as having some sort of investigative abilities. Something that makes /them/ special--the only ones who could solve it. And that could be anything. Mel’s a thief and a local, so she can find information from what she steals or has connections, I don’t know about the POV character, but maybe they’re really nice and charismatic and people open up to them, but that must be SHOWN. In a rewrite I would pay extra attention to this scene. It is your action scene. It should feel more tense than it does.

So yeah. That's my review. I know I can be a little intimidating at times, but in this case it's not the story. I think the story is fine, and I think the writing is fine and everything I talked about is easy to revise. You clearly have direction and momentum, you have an idea of what needs to be done and a skeleton to work off of, editing will just be filling in the blanks and setting the tone.




Gnomish says...


Thanks for all your advice!

I think I was rushing a bit on this chapter, and I've never been very good at descriptions. I was actually debating getting rid of the whole Mary Parson scene, because I've got another, possibly more interesting way of getting the information. Let me know if you think that would be better.

I know I called this story mystery, but it was originally just fantasy and I don't have any practice with mysteries so I'm sure that part's not very good. The plot just sort of drifted this direction.

Thanks again for the advice, I'll try to make those corrections right away!



Gnomish says...


I just wanted to let you know that I have actually got rid of the Mary Parson scene in my other drafts thanks to your advice. I think the story runs a lot smoother now!




Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.
— Enid Bagnold