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140,860 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hi there, I like the overall poem. It reminds me of the meomeries of someone's infancy on a nice day out on the beach. It is simple and playful as well as well structured. However I am not really sure of what you mean in the last line, when you say:
"Forget-me-not
Blue and
Sky."
Overall good work
Hello there, Glimmerglass. While this poem certainly had an efflorescence of whimsy, I wouldn't say that you wrote a nonsensical poem. Over all, I thought it was a lovely and simple piece. I enjoyed reading it, and now I hope that I can assist you in polishing it up. You have written a great start, but it definitively strikes me as a rough draft, unfinished and incomplete.
Here, look at your poem. Read it aloud carefully and slowly. Close your eyes and deliberately taste each word. If you can, try to make yourself ignorant of your own intentions and motives behind this piece, and try to perceive, and understand it as if it were another's work and that you were reading and hearing it for the first time. What are the poem's weaknesses? What are its strengths?
How does your punctuation effect the way you read? Play around with the composition until you feel and believe that you are communicating exactly what you intended. Remember, that there is no way what so ever that you can satisfy everyone. It's not anyone else's job but yours to make you happy and content with your own writing. Remember that, if it rings relevant, worthy, or true to you.
Other than what I think you can discover for yourself, the last bit I have to share with you is in the last stanza, and the last two lines, I feel like the word 'sky' should proceed the word 'blue.'
Keep writing, dear!
At your service,
Mandorelute
Hey there!
You've pulled off the whimsical feel pretty well, and you've got some really nice imagery here. A couple of little issues:
This part jarred me on the first reading and pulled me away from the poem. I'm not entirely sure why; it might be that I automatically read it in the imperative (going on the antecedent of "Close, / White bloom.", which made it sound weird, but again, I'm not sure.
There's also the "pitter / Of warm rain." that made the apparition of the sun and the blue sky a bit surprising, although that might be intentional?
That aside, it's a nice little poem. Good job!
Hi,
I really enjoyed this. The structure is great. I especially loved the imagery of the first stanza.
The only thing I'd change is "Forget-me-not
Blue". " Sand castles
In the roses."
is brilliant, so beautiful and original, and I felt let down by the cliche "forget-me-not blue", so I'd try something fresher.
A great read overall.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I loved the way you wrote this, how it seems playful, like a child really wrote it. I can't really think of any way you could improve it, because I like it just how it is. The imagery you used was great, and the short lines keep it lighthearted and simple.