Published May 23, 2007
I once had a friend, who all ways told me the truth.
I once had a friend who, looked deep into my eyes.
I once had a friend who wore only a blue and gold shirt.
I once had a friend who would defend me from bullies.
I once knew a friend, who would back me up and take the shit that those would throw.
I once had a friend, who would stay over some nights and we would watch movies till the very next day.
But now that friend has gone and left Me with nothing but a Blue and Gold memory...
As now that friend that once defended me, has now turned to the one who now would slay me.
That friend that once wore that blue and gold shirt, the shirt that let me knew i'd never be hurt.
My blue and gold memory is now my desserter.
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141,319 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
Hey great huh?
This is an incredibly self-serving, egoistic poem--i.e., it doesn't look further than the author, and it has no significance for anyone other than the author. Scrap it and try again later.
The idea behind this was good, and I do like the Blue and Gold thing but it didn't work as well as it could.
The repetition lacked structure and therefore didn't work. Maybe changing the word 'had' and 'knew' each time could improve the idea.
Doesn't really make sense. 'Rhyming for the sake of rhyming.' Forget the whole 'cold' bit.
Try elaborating on this, explain it more, give examples.
Rhyming for the sake of rhyming again...
I like this line, but it should be one sentence, not two.
Keep trying, if you revise this poem it could work really well.
All the best,
Alainna
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Hello and welcome to YWS!
With that said, I think your poem could stand some revision. It's not that the idea is bad -- I've read some very good poems with this theme. Instead, I think you can spice it up by putting more details and personal thoughts to your friend instead of just telling us what your friend was like and you were wrong.
Also, repetition can be your friend in poetry, but in this case it simply bogs down your poem. Don't worry about putting it in any special format. Just write what your soul tells you to. It's better that way.
I agree with Wiggy. this does seem like a oddly-written story and not much of a poem.
some lines are too big, you ought to keep the meter in mind.
Rated PG-13 for Language. Next time, remember to rate your work, or else!
The commas in both those lines should be taken out, it seems like you're going by the rule "Place a comma where you pause" which is not true (always). The word is always, not "all ways"Now, to the actual critique...
the first ellipse (...) isn't needed, and as for the ones separating 'cold' they would be better off as commas.[/quote]
Those....who/what?
This should all be one sentence. "Me with nothing but a blue and gold memory" makes no sense.
The poem was very...bland. And you did a lot of navel gazing. And I think someone else said this, but what does blue and gold have to do with anything?
This poem made me feel/think nothing, and you should always try to write a poem with the reader in mind. Make the reader feel the loss of a friend, just as much as you miss your friend. Try to use metaphors to describe how sad you are, but not in a cliché way either.
I suggest you read poetry, because you seem rather new to it. If you read it on the forum, go through the critiques and see what people think is good/isn't good. How can you do the same?
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
Bonne Chance!
This sounded more like an unrefined story than a poem. What was the point? I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this did absolutely nothing for me. Spice it up with some imagery or something! Tie in the blue and gold thing a little better-it just didn't fit in this poem. If you need some help with it, feel free to pm me, and good luck! You've got a good idea, but just need to work on the wording a bit.
Good idea. I don't see how the part of blue and gold works, though.