I will not die a shell
I will die within a violent opera of colours,
bleeding over my eyes
blue, black, red
only the paint survives.
Sound ripping the sky open,
like a relentless knife
bursting down through the earth,
the deafening scream of Life.
I will not die a shell.
I will die with a fight,
from my lips streaming ribbons of blood,
my smile still bloody bright.
I will die with a bang,
stealing the wind, lightening and thunder
before they bury me in shit, before I'm even six-feet-under.
I will not die a shell,
I will yell in my blind hate
loud as I arrive
at Hell's wrought-iron gate.
Oh and how I will dance in Hell's sweet music
beneath a new sky of fire
me, who everybody knows as the Laugher, Thief and Liar.
And in those fires
the dammned will cook
I relish it, but I miss the preachers
and the thumping of their Holy Book.
Stared at by all those Sheep,
but I sing nonetheless,
fearlessly slapping away Death's coaxing caress.
I will not die a shell.
I will swagger over the littering corpses
howling as I frolic
accompanied by Hell's choir; earsplittingly demonic.
I will not die a shell.
I will blatantly revolt
until the Devil is on his knees,
and I will spit from my heart
upon Lucifer's pleas.
I will not die a shell.
When I die, I will be so alive
that Hell will spit me straight back out
filing complaints regarding my behaviour,
that I knew nothing about.
And they'll ask me how I did it,
how I escaped the Dark Prince
wondering how even in His Hellhole,
can the invincible be vinced.
"I'm not ready to die. I'm a selfish one," I'll say
and I'll faintly hear the music below
as the sky tears itself into day.
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So, I think the real thing that makes up for the lack of any discernible rhyme scheme in this poem is the internal rhyme. Your end rhyme pattern is absolutely horrible. It starts out with every other word being rhymed, so it's a pattern like abcbdefe... and you scatter that one line: "I will not die a shell," in at odd unrecognizable points. The first one is at ten, next is at 17, 31, 34, 39. It's odd, it's not timed, it's not spaced in any fashion and there's really no reason to it aside from the actual words themselves. Now here's the trick of this poem. Your rhyme scheme switches right around line 15, right before the third time we hear that line. It just puts one couplet together, then goes back to the pattern, then we get a string of three rhyming words, well almost. Fires and fire actually are just the same word, aside from the S. In the plot of the poem, this is where we enter hell. That, to me, is the interesting point of this poem. Even though the end rhyme scheme is hell, you use internal rhymes to make up for it, like "hell," repeating "music," and "sing," so even though we don't have the nice rhymes any more at the end, we still have a lot of rhymes in the poem which make it sound clean to the ear. After we get to hell, it's a bunch of couplets with intermixed non-rhymed words that again, has no real rhyme about it.
That being said, there are some things you can work on in this poem regardless of rhyme. I was disappointing to hear this was a tale of how hell spit someone back out. That's a really over-used 'thing to be' however, it would have been acceptable, if you hadn't had line 41. "that Hell will spit me straight back out" yeah, so hell spit you back out, don't we have a new way to describe it? Come on, you prove in the rest of the poem you can avoid that, now why are we running into it?
Your imagery is pretty cool, like how the choir is 'earsplittingly demonic' very nice. Also death being a wave of colors, very nice.
I'd suggest working on breaking this poem up a little more, maybe taking out some of the weird rhymes, like fire and fires. Try to use the same words less often, like limit yourself to only using words once. Also, try doing some real structured poems. I think you would have a blast. For instance, check out this week's structured poem challenge in Writing Gooder on the homepage of YWS.
I frankly haven't read a bigger load of rubbish in my entire life. Firstly, you mentioned the rhyme scheme, 'Your end rhyme pattern is absolutely horrible'. And why is this, if I may ask, Oh Educated One? If thee hasn't noticed, the whole style of the poem is written around the basis of it not rhyming and not having a particular rhythm. This poem is not your usual rhyming 'cat sat on the mat' sort of piece. It is a work of art which has meaning and soul to it. I am not going to take every work that you said and prove you wrong(if you really wish me too, I will) since I don't like to waste my time on narrow-minded people with so much time, who have nothing better to do than talk down on young writers who are practically just discovering their talents. I cannot ask you if your work is any better, since I am not interested in anything that a person like you can compose and call it poetry. 'I was disappointing to hear this was a tale of how hell spit someone back out. That's a really over-used 'thing to be' however, it would have been acceptable, if you hadn't had line 41. "that Hell will spit me straight back out" yeah, so hell spit you back out, don't we have a new way to describe it?'. This, I have to point out. Firstly, check your own grammar before trying to correct someone else. Secondly, this is how this poet wanted it done. Why are you telling her to change it? It is the way that she saw it in her mind. And, mind you, this is Poetry! It is not calculating the mass of Pluto. Poetry comes to the poet from the heart and soul, and what you put on the page is what needs to be there, regardless of how 'overused' it is. Please, I understand that you may be trying to make this poem better and educate the poet, but most of the points such as the previous one are completely irrelevant. I suggest that you try thinking before you type, and open your mind to different forms of poetry. Thank you.
Dear disgusting writer,
hahahahaha <3 <3 <3
It makes me sick to read such violent, pornographic, SATANIC 'art'. I did not find it enjoyable as I believe in our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ(or JFC, for short), and you are Satanic demon if you write such words. I believe that this poem supports the ungodly belief against our faithful Lord who dies for our sins. Sins such as this poem. I hope that you will get help and maybe when your time really comes, or Saviour will accept you for his own.
Now, all jokes aside, Mads, This work of art is Astounding. I always knew that you were an extremely talented poet, but this really exceeded by expectations. I love the fact that it doesn't rhyme, but yet all of the word connect as if they were made to be next to each other. I would go on forever about the imagery, and the fantastic creativity, but you already know all of that. You are Wondrous.
My vocabulary isn't strong enough to describe how much I LOVE YOU! <3
PS: *an opera of colours*
Thanks ljubavi! I LOVE YOU!!! <3
Ginger. Well. Looks like I have been summoned. Here is...a short review. -.-
Though I disagree with what this poem is saying, I enjoyed it. It was well written. I liked how the theme of defiance rang through clear. However, sometimes the rhythm was off, and it was a little long for my tastes. It sounded more like lyrics to a rock song than a poem, but it was very strong and well written.
Congrats. You earned yourself a review.
Keep writing and being awesome!
~GC
I liked the poem you just submitted. It had a lot of big vocab words. Along with a lot of meaning. I hope I can read more of your great work.