Elena Maionsa - Quatre

I stood beneath the large and twisted oak tree, that shadowed the doorway of Adel's tucked away haven, watching the house from afar, afraid that if I got any closer I'd never return. The rain that had beaten and bruised me two weeks before had now dispensed into early morning dew that weighed down the blades of vibrant green grass and made the smell of spring dance around me in the early sunlight.

My plans to leave Adel and "get out of his hair" were long forgotten and had turned to a series of quick murmurs, telling him that I was there to keep him company. He didn't seem to mind and for that, I was eternally grateful; I had no where else to go.

Sighing, I lowered myself onto the ground and moved my knees to my chest, resting my chin upon them and keeping my gaze on the Coven house, seemingly transfixed. Adel had told me that I should go and talk to them; ask for one more chance, but how could I return to my prison, when I was free?

That's how I met Adel, on one of my daily escapades into the small thicket of trees that shadowed the back lawn of the Coven. I could never settle into the house, always thought of it as a fortress; me the princess locked away in the highest tower. So, as soon as I hit the age of eleven, I would be out of those doors in a flash whenever anyone took their gaze from me. So they'd send out the cavalry, who brought me back and locked my door, waiting for the next time I fled.

But, one day I got away from the cavalry - my brother - and after a scuffle between us both, I was deep into the thicket, the sharpest of twigs never slowing me as I left his at the edge, profanities following me and ringing into my ears. I was free, I was the breeze.

Eight years before;

I ran as fast as my small plimsoled feet could take me, never looking back to the angry cries that protruded from the foot of the thicket and my brothers foul mouth, only to snag my foot on an offending willow branch that jutted from the dirt like a twisted and arthritic claw.

Gasping with shock - and soon enough pain - I landed on my fragile knees and slid across the dirt, grazing the skin on my shins and receiving a cut to my palm as I reached out and landed on a thorned branch. Tears sprang to my eyes and I bit down hard on my lip, whimpering at the sharp needles that seemed to be injecting their painful poison into my legs and hand.

Knelt on the floor, in too much pain to move, I remained silent and listened for the signs of my earlier enemy, Joseph, but heard none. I let the gentle flow of tears begin and I twisted so that I sat on the damp soil, able to study my knees, which were caked in mud, twigs and now; the escaping trickle of blood. I sniffed hard and wiped away my tears angrily, smearing blood and dirt across my face without realizing.

Be a big girl, daddy had always told me. Daddy; my idol, the one and only dark sorcerer in the Coven. The main man and the role model for my older years, I'm sure. The man that left without a fight when he was banished. The one I hadn't seen or heard of for two years.

I shook my head, hoping it would rid me of the replacement tears and thinking it would ease the pain in my knees, bringing me back down. After a few minutes, the pain had turned to a dull ache and I stood shakily, whimpering softly again.

My beret slipped from my head and just as I leant to pick it up I stopped, in half lean, as I sensed something different. Slowly and nervously, I looked up and my eyes met with an ocean blue pair, which were lost and mysterious. I gasped and stood straight, forgetting about the head wear that was slowly being swallowed by a murky puddle, and stumbling backwards, a scream rising to my lips and escaping in an almighty screech.

The eyes, which belonged to a long haired, creamy blonde boy, widened at this and he launched himself at me, covering my mouth with a hand and stifling the screams, looking me straight in the eye and stopping me in my tracks.

He was a wolf boy...

"I'm not gonna hurt ya'" He whispered, never taking his eyes from mine. "I promise. I'll even tell you my name - Adel. Just tell me; you come from the Maionsa Coven... right?"

I was too stunned to answer and just nodded quickly, lip quivering.

"My mother has sent me here... She has left and gone away, says you're the nice guys, right?"

I shrugged at this one and he smiled a little, rolling off me and taking my hand and hauling me to my feet, dusting me off and picking small twigs from my cuts. He stood taller than me, by about three inches and I later found out, he was one year older - twelve.

A shout echoed around the trees and out from behind the undergrowth, my mother appeared, face flushed and her beret askew as she ran to me quickly and swept me into her arms, in the process pulling me and Adel's hand's apart.

"You little... I was so worried. You know how much trouble you're going to be in you--" She twirled and looked at Adel, her breath catching in her throat as she studied him closely, eyes scanning his dirt smeared face - which matched my own - and tilting her head at the letter held tightly in his hand.

"You better come with me..." She said no more and took his hand, leading up back to the house which seemed more inviting now.

That was the last time I ran away.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Fan
Review
Fan wrote a review · Thu Oct 18, 2007 7:07 am

Hey ginger,

I stood beneath the large and twisted oak tree, that shadowed the doorway of Adel's tucked away haven, watching the house from afar, afraid that if I got any closer, I'd never return.


A misplacement of commas here. The ones in bold are in the wrong place. The second one isn't, but I've scored it away and placed another after 'if I got any closer' for greater effect.


I'm afriad the shortness of your chapters are starting to affect the pace now. But this does shed more light on background history, and I finally have a good picture of what Adel looks like in my head. Your writing style is still pretty good and clear but write more!

*Fan* :)

User avatar
sarahcrosbeh
Review

Niiiiiiiice.

We're getting to know more now, yay! :D

I really like how descriptive you are getting.

I can also see how much you've improved looking at this and looking at the first things you posted. You're getting good at this writing lark. lolll


Anyways, off i go to read the next bit...


Keep this goodness up ^-^


[runs away giggling]

x

User avatar
Alainna
Review

Ah, I'm glad we get to know a little more about Adel know. It certainly works to use a flashback.

Eight years before


Just slows that part down. Eight years before what? Try 'Eight Years Earlier'. It's a bit smoother.

He was a wolf boy...


I have the same problem with this line as Canislupis. We need more. Some kind of description or thoughts from the lead is needed and maybe a little background on what a wolf boy is...

Again, a longer chapter would be great. *Is picky*

I can't complain much with this piece- it's good how it is.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxx

User avatar
canislupis
Review

Ok, this has me a little confused. First she's remembering when she "escaped" from the coven, and for once eluded the guards. and then she's reliving a time when she runs away, presumably when she is much younger, and in the end when she gets caught, she says it's the last time she would run away..... Confusing! Tell me if I'm just misreading or misinterpreting this, but thats what it seemed like.

Other than that, this was interesting, and it definitely kept me reading until the last line. I don't know if you've continued this at all, but even just from this, I would say that you need to work on developing the characters. Also, I had kind of a problem with this sentence:



The rain that had beaten and bruised me two weeks before had now dispensed into early morning dew that weighed down the blades of vibrant green grass and made the smell of spring dance around me in the early sunlight.


And this is just one sentence! I'm not sure if this is grammatically correct or not, but either way, it is too long. It also seemed just a little bit too dramatic to me. You could make your descriptions more subtle, and still give the same effect. It could just be me though......

Also here:

He was a wolf boy...

How does she know he is a "wolf boy"? what is a wolf boy?

Other than that, I didn't find anything wrong with this. It could use some clarification,and a little more character description. but you still have the makings of a good, interesting story.



The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price