losing the girl

Hello there Gim! Dogs here with your review today. Firstly, if I may say: WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, I'm Tucker . If you ever need anything, a review, some help, advice, ANYTHING! Let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you out . Okey dokey, on to ze review now. I like this piece, you have a good concept that you're driving with here. You have a nice philosophical statement that you really throw at the reader. Although, I think that there are some bits where you can push this philosophicalness more.

Especially in the first stanza when you say: "Lost for now, maybe forever." I want you to explore that topic more about this girl being lost, perhaps you want to describe her as physically lost. Is she lost in someone else's eyes? (that's cheesy I know) Or is she just distracted by the dregs of society and their bodies and physical lust rather than emotional love. You pose a great question with your poem, but trying to perhaps make a statement. You could go down the path of how some people are so easily swayed but lust and looks rather than looking past the skin.

Again, you pose some great questions, but what exactly happened to this girl? I want a little bit of plot line in this poem. Was she killed? Did she run away? Did she go off with some other boy or girl? Play with that idea, see where some of these potential plot lines can take you and what could happen down that road.

Final note, you say: "And End alone."

I'm not entirely sure why you decided to capitalize "End," because grammatically it should be just "end."

All and all a good piece, I enjoyed reading this. Just add in a few more points and you'll be raring to go. I hope my comments were helpful, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi Gimlitown! Welcome to YWS!

I am GeeLyria and I will be reviewing for you today. What I like about this poem is the consistency and the appearance. The punctuation is well placed, and not only does it look organized but it actually is organized. When it comes to writing, that is really important; they say that one shouldn't judge a book by its cover but we all know that doesn't keep us from judging. (Besides un-organized pieces make us lazy readers).

However, I want to talk about the Title. I noticed you do use capitals in your piece, that's why I don't understand why the title has no upper cases. I am pretty sure that what is grammatically correct, when it comes to the title is to capitalize the first letter of every word (excluding the prepositions). That means that you title should look more like this: "Losing The Girl".

Now, let's get a little less lame. xD I want to talk about the content now. So, this poem is simple. But simplicity is good. However, I noticed you're telling us a really common situation in a very common way. That's the reason why, as someone who doesn't know the story behind this, I don't find this to be something to remember. What I'm saying is that this piece would be more shocking if you take what's common and transform it into art. It's not what you said it but how you say it. Create metaphors, show us similes, play with words!~ just tell us how you see the world. That would make this way more interesting, and I know the readers would appreciate it. And I know you can do it! You have already shown you have the potential to be a great writer!

There's my grain of sand. Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly. However, feel free to let me know if you have any questions. Keep writing!

~GeeLyria

The girl he loves is gone.
Lost for now, maybe forever.

If your true love leaves,
Where does that leave you?

After that you’re left alone,
Loneliness is all that is left.

You start alone,
And End alone.

Well written and wonderful idea.
Keep writing things like this.
I really enjoyed it.

Hi there, Gimli. Welcome to YWS! It's nice to see new faces around!

I think you've got some interesting concepts in this poem that can really work for you. The ideas in the last stanza especially would be nice to expand on.

As it is, however, I found it rather dry. Though you have interesting ideas, it's not enough to keep the reader interested in it after they've read it. And that's important. It's forgettable as it is because of the fact that you have no images in it at all.

Poetry is about showing and not telling. I'm sure you've heard that phrase before when applied to prose; it should be applied even more intensely here. I want to see the emotions the narrator has. I want to be able to see what it feels like through concrete images that I'm familiar with, too. Let me give you an example of this:

I

Like a gondola of green scented fruits
Drifting along the dank canals of Venice,
You, O exquisite one,
Have entered into my desolate city.