--Deleted
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, Ribbons!
So remember I told you I would review this centuries ago? Well yes, here I am after all that time. I apologize for taking forever but I did not forget about you, I've just been busy with 'stuff'. Anyway, let's get onto the review, shall we?
Firstly, I'm reviewing the newer version that you posted in the comment so yeah...
The first thing I want to point out is what asxz said about the knitted eyebrows, I picture them just fine and I've read other works in which such expression was used to describe an emotion. Anyway, going back to the character introduction part of this, I think you did a pretty decent job. Considering that we don't know much about the character besides what you already mentioned in the beginning - it's done quite well.
I can picture him, standing there with a stern, emotionless glance and yes, I'd want to punch that sort of face too. The thing with this type of character though is that because there is no personality besides being emotionless and cold while still being mysterious is probably a tad bit hard to explain since you feel like you're not telling enough but then again, there isn't much to tell about him, right? With that said, I don't think you should worry about this too much since it's already doing it's job at making the introduction to the new character quite clear in my eyes.
I love this line. If you take it out, I will be very upset.
The only thing that I have to say about this that I would work on would be the ending. The part where he he lazily shrugs and says "who cares" was bit off for me. He came off as mysterious cold sort of character but then that part like he was a bit 'sloppy'. Do you know what I mean? I'm not sure how I would explain, really. But you might want to try editing that bit somehow...If you're confused, just send me a PM and I'll try to explain it a little more. xD
Well, your novel is coming along quite well based on the excerpts that I keep reading. It's really good and you must let me have a read when you're through! I want to read it - really badly. xD
Hopefully this review helped you in some area....
Keep it up and all the best,
-Pink
My eyebrows knitted
Uh.... knitted eyebrows? It sounds like it should be a good description, but I have no idea what the sentence is describing. Take it out?
This is a cool paragraph, but I changed it to two different sentences in the begining (beccause you had about three clauses and it sounded awkward) and crossed out the 'silent' and 'when I looked at him'. These add nothing to the point, as well... when your expression changes from anger to happy, does your face make any sound? Don't make over-describing a habit, or you'll end up like Stephanie Meyer.
This adds nothing. You can tell that she had issues later when she mentioens that father's side of the family. Also, this is a few chapters in, right? We already know that she has issues. You can just say 'I wanted to avoid talking about certain subjects.' or something like that.
You've never actually met him, have you? I thought you had only seen him a few times, and that meant that you held no... emotional attatchment to his opinion, so why would you not just walk away? Think of another way to say that he is strong willed?
Hmmm... just read the rest of your second re-working. Um...well...
It does sound interesting. A person who is very mysterious and he comes and whisks her away suddenly. Good start for a promising chapter. However, after your description of him, he does not seem like the type of person who would suddenly kidnap her without telling her where they are going, and she seems very sceptical of him in the rest of the description, so wouldn't she be hesitant?
Just putting it out there...
But yes. Good decription, and I can imagine him well. But the whole 'oh, he's so patient' and 'hey! Let's randomly go somewhere together' seem contrasting.
Otherwise, good!
Deleted
Gheala,
I just have a few critiques.
First of all, Penguin is correct about what she said.
Second, the 'n' in " 'not great.' " should be capitalized.
And third, instead of using these things ('), 'Insert talking here,' you should use these ("), "Insert talking here."
Hope I helped!
~ Moonlight
The 'have' should be 'has'.... Just a minor comment, other than that, good job!