I feel relaxed by way of writing
'Cause of it my mind is travelling
I temporarily forget things I should be doing
Just like the world full of singing.
When I write, I use my heart
Not just the mind, it's just a part
Not just words, it's just an art
At least it makes me feel like I am smart.
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I fly
You must know that I am shy
Sometimes, I smile walking on the aisle
You must know that you're now mine.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey, yo, Ghaylle22! Strange here on this fantastic review day and I have a review for you!
First of all, welcome to YWS! This appears to be your second work on here, so that's cool. It's a pretty darn neat community that I'm proud to be a part of, and I love it. I hope you love it too. The majority of writers here are poets, so you'll fit right in. I'm going to be honest, I thought this poem was okay. Nothing really hit me in the heart, it was just simple and sweet. I think that's the main problem with it, though. I'll go right into it.
This was an okay start, but may I suggest some things? I like how they both had even syllable counts, but it doesn't feel right with the lack of a comma after the first line. I don't feel like "'Cause" is the best way to start it off. It just doesn't feel write to me, but then again, I'm one of the most simple minded people on here.
This broke up the "sentence" that was made up of the first three lines. Something in that line makes me feel that it doesn't belong. You are going for the romantic theme, yes? This felt too childish, to be honest. Not only was it there to make it rhyme, but I imagined a little kid jumping out and yelling "singing". That ruined the mood for me, but it doesn't happen again.
I'm dumb, basically, so I imagined you smearing your heart all over a piece of paper. How romantic.
It's the control center of the brain. I use it to write, so should you.
This got on my nerves. You said just four times in two lines. That's a bit too much, I would say, so I suggest you changing up the words. In poetry, synonyms are always helpful. Makes the writer look colorful.
*In. I don't know what you mean by this sentence.
Overall, this was just a cute poem that came from the heart. The heart is important when a person is writing. I don't think you used enough heart though, because it felt small and contained. I want to see grand illusions and feel a sense of love you have for the person you're talking to. The problem with poetry, I would say, is sometimes let the poem go with no set goal. Let it all bleed out from the heart, don't care that much, and see what you came up with. This wanted to be a simple, cute poem and it was. Not really anything else.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
This is nice, I like how you convey your passion for writing and compare it to singing. At the end, when you say "you must know that you're now mine", are you speaking to the reader, meaning that you've captivated them through using your passion, or to the process of writing itself, meaning it belongs to you? Either way the sentiment is nice. In the third line it seems like "forgot" should be "forget" so that the verbs stay in the same tense. I agree with the other reviewer, I'm not sure if "just an art" really fits when the rest of the images are about writing as passion and a way to freedom, it seems like the art of it is really important to you.
Hello there!
Be honest with me: did you sing it out loud or in your head as you were writing it? I know I did while reading it.
I really enjoyed this one. Talking about your passions and making art about them is what everybody should be doing. There is just something so uplifting about it, something energetic and lively, and I am really happy to see people do it.
That being said, I got the feeling that you wanted every verse to rhyme a little bit too much. I say this because of "Not just words, it's just an art." The whole piece is about elevating writing and telling us just how much it means to you. You talk about your passion and how you perceive it, and you say "it's just an art". I think that this bit was a little unnecessary.
As for the last three rows, they can be interpreted in a whole lot many different ways, so that's why I won't go into them.
I really liked it though. It made me feel happy and warm inside, and I think it is highly relatable. The reader can substitute writing with pretty much any one of their passions and be reminded of why they do what they do.
Keep it up!
Candy Wizard