Once upon a time when the sky was a clear shade of blue
When the day was as calm as the ocean
When you left me speechless and was in mixed emotion
The joy you brought in me; I had no exact explanation.
It was a stormy weather, I can still remember
Once upon a time we both got shivered
But we still enjoyed the moment we're together
Oh, I can still hear the melodies of our laughter.
But as fast as the ocean washing the sand
It seems it's already hard to reach your hand
You were a thousand miles away, I couldn't understand
It was such a nightmare once upon a time.
The word "regret" may never be invented
If we can only be able to go back time
But there's no such thing as stepping twice with the same river
Once it happened we'll no longer meet the same figure.
The country of memories you wrote in the tablet of my heart
They will always remain until the fading of sunset
I still want to see you smile again
Once upon a time when I was still the reason behind your perfect smile.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
"Was" should be changed with "were".
"Got"? Got shivered by what? You don't need it, remove it.
I don't get this. Steeping twice with the same river? What does this mean? Please enlighten me.
To me, this line is a bit random. There's no connection between this one and the line before. So change it.
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It flows better this way - there's cohesion and coherence.
I notice two things about your poem. One is stanza. Where are those stanzas? o.o I don't see them. These lines can be grouped into stanzas, it would make the poem neater and the reading less tiresome (because this one seems like we need to read at one go).
The second is about capitalization. I recommend you to read this: Capitalization in Poetry as it would guide you on what kind of capitalization you can make. Overall, you've delivered a sweet, touching message in this poem. Keep up the good job!
Happy Review Day!
Sorry, I'm gonna appear out of nowhere to hand this to you!
For anyone who's been in love or has fallen out of love, this touches very close to the heart. I think you encaptured the feelings perfectly, your use of similes and metaphors helps to paint a picture in the reader's head that is absolutely fabulous. Some of the lines are smooth, flowing and just absolutely wonderful, for example:
"But we still enjoyed the moment we're together
Oh, I can still hear the melodies of our laughter."
There are several lines like this in your poem that make it easy to read. But where there's good, there's also bad. Aside from a few easily fixed grammatical mistakes "we both got shivered" or an abuse of the comma, not much of this makes sense. Some of your lines are awkward and clunky and don't really work like they should. Also, it seems you've taken on a rhyming scheme for your poem-- while it's YOUR poem, the rhyming scheme only works if it has a pattern that keeps the rhythm intact, which yours does not.
Thanks so much for your writing, and this is a very great start to a poem! Remember that as authors, we never stop working on our writing, and things can always ALWAYS be improved!
Hi, and happy review day!
I'll be reviewing your poem today for you.
The way you put "Once upon a time," and all. I really love the endings of poems (most of the time) and this one especially.
I absolutely love that picture of yours at the top! I don't really find a lot of artwork around here, so I'm in luck!
Though several people may not notice this, I think it is necessary nonetheless to capitalize "memories" in your title. That would make more sense, but sometimes I've seen poems that aren't capitalized, which I guess is fine, I'm not going against that.
This was a sweet poem.
How sweet.
Hm.. I don't see anything else that could be criticized, this was a very clean simple poem. The rhyme scheme was very unique, I've never seen that yet on YWS until now. The language you used was poetic, but still understandable to get.
I'd say you could still improve on this piece of yours too. Maybe a bit more lengthy, you could add some similes or metaphors to spice it up. I don't know, but I bet you could think of something creative!
I think I've covered everything here. No incorrect spelling, vocabulary was excellent.
Toodles!
~ Sunset101
The literary work though began on a light tone.. but towards the end it blended into nostalgic memories.. Though a great effort.. yet the writing style can be improved
good luck
Thank you.