Young Writers Society

To be honest, I don’t really know what to call this. What would this be classified as? A stream of consciousness? A prose poem? I’m not too sure.

All grammatical errors were intentional

I have included several references to various things so here are them all:

Also I get this vague feeling that I’ve used a similar cover photo before…. Hmmm…

Hi there Gengar! Lim here with a review.

General Impressions

The piece leaves me feeling contemplative. The ending makes it somewhat ambiguous who the ‘you’ is – is it the speaker’s ideal self? The speaker’s imagined past self? Or the personification of a dream? The speaker’s observation that the ‘you’ has “no wings” and no “sweat” on their forehead also seems to suggest that the ‘you’ hasn’t gone and done all the things the speaker has wanted, but is in somewhat the same place.

I think the images of the speaker actively doing things, while all in desideratum, linger the most in my mind after reading the poem. That makes it an interesting contrast for a poem where the speaker turns out to have been thinking something like ‘what if everything stays the same?’ at least in my earlier interpretation.

Themes

Some themes I’ve interpreted from this are:

1. Change – The things the speaker expresses as wanting to happen “one day” are things they want to change, whether it is an internal change or an external change. In the first two stanzas/paragraphs, those changes are things they want to do themselves. The third and fourth seem more like changes in circumstances, or at any rate they aren’t directly actionable by the speaker. The fifth goes back to things they want to do, but interspersed there are circumstances that hamper them from doing it. There is also the theme of change in:

I wonder if maybe I am an angel, and if I earn my wings I can fly back to the starting point and give it another go.

^ Here the speaker desires an even higher level of change that seems to require ‘turning back time’.

2. Being lost – The sense of being lost seems to manifest in the imagery of the speaker’s room, which requires “traversing”. The stanza/paragraph where the speaker says they have lost the instructions from heaven in that same room also connects the state of the room to the state of the speaker’s mind. This is then repeated in the end of the poem where the speaker compares ‘you’ to “a lost soul with a room full of junk”.

Language and Imagery

Something I liked was how you mixed both casual and lofty word choices. For example, the speaker uses colloquialisms like “knowing me”, “my poor old mind”, “bits and bobs” and “’til” but also more literary language like “excavate”, “subconscious” and “revel”. I think ordinarily this would feel incongruous, but it seems to work for the speaker of this poem because they are portrayed as someone who has these lofty ambitions and wants but remains caught in a more ‘ordinary’ life pattern. I also thought this mixture was kept fairly consistent throughout the poem, which helped unify the different elements, even though each paragraph/stanza deals with something new.

I also noticed on further reads that the comparisons of the room to the mind occur throughout the whole poem, including in the second stanza: “bits and bobs fill every corner of this room, as well as every nook and cranny in my mind.” There are also other continuities of imagery that help the piece flow, including “shot by the starting pistol” which calls back to the previous stanza’s discussion of violence.

I think the last stanza has some room to grow regarding imagery. Maybe it’s just because I don’t personally put much weight in eye colour symbolism, but the blue eye to brown eye image didn’t seem to be related to “a room full of junk” or “no wings on your back”. It stuck out to me since that’s the ‘new’ image brought forth in the final stanza whereas the other images like wings, etc. are echoes of the previous stanzas.

Edit: So I just read your pinned comment and went to look at the song lyrics. I can see the overall vibe of jadedness coming through, but I’m just not sure that the words in the song refer to eyes (rather than just general colour symbolism), so I’ve left this part of the review in, since I’m taking the ‘eye’ thing to be part of your poem specifically.

someday I’ll break out of this brimstone circle and get back to you.

As a minor nitpick, I thought “get back” was an odd word choice here. I guess it’s because I associate it more with the way we say “I’ll get back to you on that” in something like a teacher-student interaction or talking with coworkers. It didn’t feel quite like the reverence with which they talk about the ‘you’ in the next part. Maybe here could be a good place to switch to the more literary word choices? (like ‘return’, ‘reunite’?)

Structure

In general I think the structure of the poem is solid. The repetition of “one day I’ll” followed by the slight variation for the last stanza adds some poetic structure and emphasis to the prose poem. At a first glance the text can look quite dense, especially with all the em dashes creating insertions like “—some day—“. But when I read line by line, it helps add that stream-of-consciousness feel you mentioned (and alternatively makes it sound like the speaker is talking to somebody, since insertions like that are found in face-to-face conversation).

Something I appreciate is the capitalization of “I” despite everything else being small letters. I thought it was fitting for a speaker who wants even a “false sense of control” and wishes to do many great things.

Overall

The overall mood seems to be a kind of jadedness, as the poem asks questions about what people can really change in life and about life’s purpose. I think this poem succeeds at blending together a bunch of seemingly unrelated images into a unified ‘story’, with mountains, clothes, lavender clouds, spirits, shows and vampires that can all exist on the same page.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you'd like more feedback on something specific!
-Lim

Heyo Gengar, incoming review!

Not gonna lie, you got me with the description, so I had to pop by with a review. I am dumbfounded by the weight of this piece. I might have to save it so I can read it again and again. It's been so long since I've seen prose poetry like this. I'm absolutely in love with it. Let's get on with the review.

I'm going to do something different than I usually do and break this down piece by piece.

First Stanza:
I adore comparing those piles of clothes on forgotten chairs to mountains. It makes it even more apparent how something as minute as clothes can be as difficult to move as a mountain. It's like the destruction of the mind as your own incapabilities pile up (get it) and render you feeling worthless. You captured that feeling so well. And then you keep saying one day you will, but you know you won't. Ugh, the feelings are too real.

Second Stanza:
This brings in the same motif as the mountains of clothes, so my biggest critique would be to consolidate this stanza into the first one. Not necessary, and if you feel like separating them would make the themes weaker, then by all means keep it as is.

dust collects on paper scraps that haven’t felt the sun in years

This line is brilliant. It superimposes your suffering to the objects.


Third Stanza:
Ugh insomnia. Not only that but insomnia with a cause. I love these themes. There's something about how calm this all is, describing the horrors keeping you up that is, that makes the fear even more deep-seated.

I’ll dream of gumdrops and lavender clouds instead

The wishing for child-like wonderous dreams is one of those wishes that makes you melancholy when you realize you grew up so much that you're wishing for youth again. I can't express how much I love exploring that idea.

Fourth Stanza:
I think this is the weakest stanza in all. It doesn't fit with the very specific causes of these troubles. It's more of a "why am I even here" big thought than a hyper focus on the empty feeling of a messy room. The imagery you use is still great, but it could be better used as a stand-alone thing so the little things can shine rather than a big idea blocking it.

but I must have lost my instructions from heaven somewhere in my room, so for now I roam this planet in silence.

This is one of my favorite lines, though

Fifth Stanza:
OOOOOF this one hits a little too hard. The false promises, the guilt, the helplessness. There are feelings of wanting to make a name for yourself, and to do all the things you know you'd be able to, but depression and anxiety are the biggest roadblocks. And the biggest obstacle to becoming great is yourself. This whole stanza speaks to me as a tortured artist, especially this line

I’ll tell every story, paint every picture, dump every ounce of my brain onto a canvas ‘til the whole world knows my name.

Sixth Stanza:
I have nothing else to say but wow. Destructive love. yeah, I feel that. Loving someone who's all you wish to be and wish to want.

but as I gaze into your eyes, I notice that your once baby-blues are now wide-eyed browns

FALL OUT BOY FALL OUT BOY FALL OUT BOY nah but I get it. Interpolating their lyrics into your own work will always be a 10/10.

just a lost soul with a room full of junk and a head full of thoughts. and soon, as I notice no wings on your back or sweat on your forehead, I wonder if you still are.

I don't really have any way to describe what this line makes me feel, but again, I love it.

Ok, that's all I have for today. Hope you liked it. Let's count how many times I said love lol. Keep writing these things, they're amazing. I'll see you in the next one. Anyway, byeeeeeeeeeeeeee <333

Hello, fellow author! I saw your.... uh... writing(?) in the Green Room, and was immediately intrigued! I'm glad I decided to take a look, because wow! This was an amazing piece! (For lack of a better word, I'll refer to your writing as a "piece" from now on.)

This piece captivated me from the beginning. Your use of figurative language really captured how you felt about the "mountain of clothes" in your room. (Don't worry, I can relate- I hate folding laundry. Although, I have a feeling your words hold more meaning than mine)

I absolutely adore all of the figurative language you used! I find it so difficult to come up with good analogies, metaphors, etc. However, you found and implemented so many in this piece that I should seriously take notes.

Now, for a few honorable mentions of my favorite lines:

"and, maybe, my troubled subconscious will sort itself out, and I’ll dream of gumdrops and lavender clouds instead. but today is not that day, so for now I gamble on who I will see dead tonight."

This line captured me. Your word choice left me stunned. The abruptness of the last clause put my jaw on the floor.

" I wonder if maybe I am an angel, and if I earn my wings I can fly back to the starting point and give it another go. but I must have lost my instructions from heaven somewhere in my room, so for now I roam this planet in silence."

This part incorporated almost a sense of humor, while also tying it back to the extended metaphor at the beginning of the piece. If you couldn't tell from my username, I also have a small (not small) obsession with the aspect of wings and flying, so I really enjoyed this part. It sounds so elegant!

Now, I would include many more quotes, but then I'd practically have the entire piece pasted into this review. I honestly cannot think of any critiques on this piece! I loved every line, and every aspect of this piece.

Overall, I thought it was an elegant, intriguing piece that made me really think about the words. A very job well done!

Keep writing! -Avian