Venice, Louisiana
His soft voice tickled her ears, slowly waking her up. He kept trying to wake her up with an annoying, yet hilarious tune.
Get your head out of bed
You ain’t listenin’ to what I said.
She couldn’t help but get a giggle out of it. Eventually, she listened and sat up. “I’m awake daddy, I’m awake!” He leaned in and picked her up out of bed. She was small enough for him to carry, but not easily. He walked away from the empty bed, the room illuminated with red from her old alarm clock.
3:41 am. It’s too early for this.
“Daddy, I’m still sleepy,” She whined as he slipped her sock on for her. “Well baby, you can sleep in daddy’s truck until we get there okay?” She nodded sleepily. The rest was a drowsy blur of talking and packing and the sound of an old pickup truck being started. Daddy set her down in the middle seat next to the driver. “It’s okay Pumpkin, you can sleep. I’ll wake you when we get there.”
“Yes daddy,” She murmured and laid her head in his lap. The blonde locks covered her face as they drove down the interstate. The wind from the window of the truck lightly whipped them around, tickling her nose. For a while, she couldn’t sleep. She was so excited to go fishing with her daddy, but she pretended to be asleep. From his lap, the only thing she could see were the lights illuminating the interstate. She tried to count them as they drove by. Eventually, she fell into a light slumber. That was her way of counting sheep. The tune would reiterate itself over and over once again.
Get your head out of bed
You ain’t listenin’ to what I said
She giggled and picked herself up. She was now surrounded by her people. Fishermen gathered around a huge tuna on a mount. Other’s helping drivers back their boats into the water. Her friends were at the cleaning station. “Alright Pumpkin, wait over there until we get the boat in the water.” She obeyed him gladly, because she’d do anything to go watch with the other kids. The gravel flung up at her as she bolted for the cleaning station. The kids were watching in amazement as the man cleaned a fresh trout. He’d take his angled saw and slowly cut the skin off. That part made most girls squeamish, but not her. She loved cleaning fish herself. It was quite fascinating. The skin had an iridescent glow to it as the man worked. Trout were known for being beautiful fish.
Just as the man was getting to the good parts, her dad called her to the boat. She hated leaving, but fishing meant she could spend time with her dad. She ran to her dad, who was holding her little pink lifejacket. She slipped her arms in and hoped in his arms to get on the boat. They rocked as he jumped from the dock onto it, but he held her tight. “Daddy, are we going to catch trout? I like trout!” She yelled in excitement. He laughed at her enthusiasm and nodded. “We sure are, and I bet you’ll catch the biggest one!” She messed with the snaps on her jacket and blushed, “You think so daddy?” He walked behind her and started the engine, “I know so.”
The feeling of salty wind in her face mixed with the smell of the ocean filled her with excitement. The ride in itself to the destination was pleasing to her. Her dad would spot an island and pull in, “This is the place Pumpkin, get your rod!”
She rushed to the bait and grabbed the biggest worm she could find. Swiftly, she grabded her pole and pierced the little creature, with no hesitation at all. “Daddy I’m ready!” He set his pole up as well and they began to cast together, into the deep blue water. The bobber would dance and thrash, welcoming it’s prey for a meal. Daddy taught her a few tricks, like how to flick the rod to get the fish to look at the worm.
Hours went by.
Hours upon hours.
The sun was at it’s highest and neither caught a fish big enough to keep. Tear began to fill in her eyes as she threw the pole on the deck. “Daddy this isn’t fair!” She began sobbing, looking down at her pole in shame. He kept his eyes on the bobber and spoke with gentleness.
“Pumpkin, what’s not fair?” She sat down in the captain’s seat and spoke, “We’ve been out here for hours daddy. Why can’t we catch anything?” He laughed and whipped his pole once more, “Now Pumpkin, it’s not about catching a fish on the first try. Sometimes you have to wait a long long time for something good to come your way, but you’ll never know if you quit before it happens.” Just as he finished, the bobber sunk down deep, nearly pulling the rod out of his hands. “I’ll get the net, hold the rod Pumpkin and don’t let go!” He handed her the rod and ran to the other side of the boat.
She was struck with panic as she attempted to reel the rod. “Daddy!” She yelled, “It’s too big I can’t do it!” He came back with the net and held the pole up higher for her. “I’ll help you, but I won’t do this for you.” She wiped her tears and planted her feet firmly. She put all her strength into the reel and reeled the monster in. Slowly, she felt the line getting shorter. She almost had it. “Come on Pumpkin, you almost got him!” She gave it one last tug and the fish emerged, glistening in the sunlight. “Daddy daddy! It’s a trout!” He scooped it up and held it closer to her. “It’s a monster baby! Look at him!” The fish danced in the net, filling her with a sense of pride.
“I did it daddy!” She smiled at him, the sun sparkling in her eyes.
He smiled back, “I’m so proud of you baby.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey Daddy
I hope you like your review 
Nothing wrong with the story or plot, it's all grammar issues and such. So let's get to the grammar:
no comma after gladly
*grabbed
*tears
*it, daddy
When it comes to dialogue like this:
this is how you format it,
“I did it daddy!” she smiled at him, the sun sparkling in her eyes.
here's another example:
“Yes daddy,” she murmured and laid her head in his lap.
She doesn't need to be capitalized.
new paragraph after the dialogue, always unless it's the same person talking after his last line of dialogue.
change the paragraph when it's a different character talking.
marmalade
Thank you so much for the helpful review mommalade <3
Everyone said everything already, but just let me say I can sympathize with your character. And yes the thrill when you finally catch something.
<3
Hey, it's crobbins here for another majestic and glorious review:
First off, WELCOME FRIEND! If I read correctly, this is your first piece you posted! WELCOME TO THE YWS FAMILY! *Distant confetti and those noise maker things kids use at parties go off*
Alright, now into the juicy details regarding my opinions about this story:
I loved this personally. I think this is because it is easy to relate to. Although I never went fishing with my dad like the girl in your story, I used to rock climb with him belaying me. I think most people recall instances like these with their fathers as small children, where they spend time and bond, yet learn to do things on their own at the same time.
Furthermore, I loved the last two lines, and the message I extracted from them. What I got from them was that while parents are always there for you, you have to do some things yourself. This is one of the most important principles of growing up, and I think you defined and applied it beautifully in this piece.
Grammatically I saw some errors, but they weren't significant enough for me to highlight them in here. I tend to overuse punctuation anyways, so it's probably for the best I don't cite examples down here. But KUDOS on spelling/grammar!!!!
As for the length of the piece I liked how you kept it short and sweet, yet meaningful. You managed to convey what you wanted to convey in a short amount of time, which makes a great story, but more importantly, a great author.
The imagery, however, is what blew me away. Your details you used helped me and other readers form a concrete picture of where the two were at all times, how they felt or looked, etc. It really heightened my reading experience.
One bit of constructive criticism is in regards to the parts in italics. Personally, I got confused as to what the role of these were. At first I thought it was for dialogue, then I thought it was for thoughts, but then the beautiful two lines at the end confused me more. I may just not be getting the message.
AGAIN: I LOVED IT AND WELCOME TO YWS!!!!!!!
Happy Writing!
<3
-Crobbins
Thank you so much! Your review was so helpful! I'm so glad you liked it and could relate to it. <3