It never snowed in her town, a town known for being scorching hot in the summers and normal in the winters. None of the children were expecting it this year. In fact, no children were outside to witness it beginning. There was no need to be outside without the comfort of snow that would cover the icy grass. It was unheard of for it to snow there. However, one morning her window was covered in frost, shielding the view of the outside. She walked into the living room, sliding on her cute little Christmas socks. Her parents were sound asleep, leaving her to fend for herself. She reached for the cereal and poured a little in a small little bowl. She sat in the dining room, munching on the mushy cereal and cold milk.
The only sound in the little house was her spoon hitting the edge of the bowl and the soft sound coming from the TV. She glanced over at it, noticing it was on the weather channel. Part of her doubted it would even be close to snow, but the weatherman pointed in the direction of a huge white blob on the screen. Terrified, she dropped her spoon and ran to her parent's room, yelling for them to wake up. “Mommy! Daddy! There’s a big white blob on the weather channel! It’s a hurricane!” Those were quite common in her area so she thought every big strange thing on a weather map was a hurricane. Her mother giggled and pulled her into bed with her. “Baby, that’s no hurricane. It means it might snow.” The little girl sat puzzled and sat up. “But mommy it never snows. It’s too hot you said.” Her mom got up out of bed and pulled away the curtains in her room. The frost melted slowly from the warmth of her hand swiping across the icy cold glass. It revealed what seemed to be a miracle.
A thick white layer of white, fluffy snow covered the backyard. The trampoline looked like an ice rink and the playground was covered, even the slide. The little girl screamed and ran out her parents room. Her mom called out, telling her to cover up good. She yanked her closet doors open and pulled down her thick purple coat. She slipped her arms in and covered her little ears with soft white earmuffs. Each little finger slid into the gloves perfectly and she waddled out the room straight to the door. She unlocked it and opened the door, causing a blast of winter wind to hit her face. She shivered a little and walked on the concrete outside. Her first time seeing snow was quite overwhelming. She didn’t know if she’d sink to the bottom of the snow or slip on the surface. The tip of her boot gently touched the surface. She heard a satisfying crunch as she rolled the rest of her foot in. It sunk in slightly, but she felt safe. She ran around the yard, sending snow flying from behind her.
She could hear all the other kids around her house screaming in excitement. It was truly a moment to savor since it could never happen again. She flopped into the pillow of snow and behind moving her arms and legs. She saw kids do that in movies and wanted to make a snow angel like them. She got up slowly and admired her masterpiece. She then remembered the most important part of a snow day. “Snowman!” She yelled. She began making a ball of snow for the base. She didn’t really know how to make one, so she made a smaller version. She’d call it, “Snowbaby”. She stacked the snow to form a person and used some sticks and rocks to decorate the snow baby. It was complete and she felt accomplished. She ran inside and held the snow baby to her parents, who sat up in bed, watching her from their bedroom window. “Daddy! Look! It’s a snow baby!” Her dad smiled and told her it looked like a real baby. She laughed and held it close. Her face turned into worry at that instant.
“Daddy? Will my snow baby melt?” Her innocent tone sent a pang into the parent’s hearts. They looked at each other and sighed. “Yes, darling. But you can keep him until he melts.” Her eyes began to fill with tears as she ran into the kitchen. Her parents followed her, only to find she was standing in the refrigerator, moving things around. Her dad walked around to see she was making room for her creation. He put a hand on her and asked, “Baby, what are you doing?” She shut the door and smiled, “Now he’ll never melt and he can stay there forever!” He sighed and opened the fridge. “Baby, you can’t put him in there, it isn’t cold enough. He’ll still melt.” She began to cry again, grabbing her snow baby from the shelf. “But that’s where cold things go! Daddy I don’t want him to melt away! I’ll miss him!”
He pat her on the hand and walked with her outside. “Then enjoy him while you can. All good things will soon come to an end. But why worry about the end when it hasn’t even happened yet? Enjoy it while you can. Who knows? Maybe it’ll snow again.” She looked down at the little snowman. “Okay, daddy. Maybe he needs a family too! Can we make a big snowman? And a snowlady! And a snow puppy?” He laughed and began forming a snowman with her. She helped him roll the snow into the base and then built up from there. When they were done, they had created a whole family of snowmen. The little girl laughed and walked inside to be with her family just like snow baby.
She knew when she woke up, they’d be gone. But it was okay. She enjoyed the snow day while it lasted.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
I really enjoyed this, the simplicity of the subject and the amount of detail added was so interesting! I love how you described the little girl through her excitement of the snow, it's cleverly done and gives the reader a picture of the character
Thank you for the great read
Hi! I'm a big fan of snow so this wasn't a hard choice when looking for the next thing to read
I'm not sure about 'normal in the winters' partly because normal is a subjective word but also because normal in winter would be cold. Perhaps you could say 'cool in the winters' or lukewarm.Specifics
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2. This is too many short sentences all clumped together which slows down the flow of your writing and means that none of them really stand out, which is what short sentences are normally used for. I think you could combine the first two to something like 'None of the children were expecting it this year and none of them were outside to witness it beginning.'
3. What do her Christmas socks look like? Do they have snow on? Or is it more normal to have socks with jolly, warm pictures in hot places? I know in Australia it's normal to have BBQ's on the beach on Christmas day and I always wondered what their Christmas cards looked like.
4. Choose one adjective! Small little bowl is redundant so just small bowl or little bowl and small it better to avoid repetition.
5. If there are frequent hurricanes in the area and never any snow then it seems odd that the mother immediately knows what it is.
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8. I feel like this has maybe been done too many times in relation to snow? Like, every snow movie ever has had the kid try to keep the snowman from melting by putting it in the fridge. Maybe at least if you referenced she'd seen it in a movie than that would make it seem like you're acknowledging that? Or is there another cold place she could put it? Maybe she could take it back outside and build a snow house to protect it from the heat?
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Overall
This is a sweet story and it's easy to read and for the most part flows very nicely. I think it could use a few more details, like the description of what her socks look like or a little more description of her building the snow baby - does she draw a face? Use twigs? - and that would help differentiate it from similar stories. There aren't many stories left which haven't been told so it's all about those extra details which make your characters come to life!
Best of luck with this.
~Heather
Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions! <3
No problem!
Hi GalaxyUnicornz!
This was such a sweet story. I really like the innocence of the narrator and the way she panicked at the sight of the white blob on the weather channel. That detail of her expecting it to be a hurricane, because that's all a white blob on the weather channel has ever been, is fantastic. Easily the most distinguishing image of this story. The tone and choice of language reflects the age and experience of your narrator well, and kept me in the story the whole time I was reading. Wonderful!
I do wonder, though, whether there are opportunities to take this story and make it more distinguishable from other first-snow-day stories. This is a pretty familiar narrative: someone who lives in a place that doesn't get snow experiences a freak snowstorm and plays in the snow. It's a nice story, but it's not the MOST interesting story that could be told. That isn't to say something dramatic needs to happen! Just consider the child narrator you have. What is unique about her and the way she views the world? How does someone who has never seen snow before describe their first experience of snow?
She seems to do a lot of things she knows you're supposed to do on a snow day from seeing it in books and movies. How does the experience of making a snow angel line up with the expectation of it? Is it colder than she expected? Does she step in the center of it trying to get up and mess it up (I did this ALL THE TIME AS A KID AND I EVEN LIVED IN A SNOWY PLACE ITS THE WORST)?
We all know the saying that there are no original stories, that every story has already been told. What makes a story excellent and unique is by diving into that basic story at a different angle. By taking characters with interesting and unique perspectives and looking at something familiar through unfamiliar eyes. There's already that amazing image of the little girl thinking there's a hurricane coming because of what she sees on the weather channel. See if you can find more details like that! Or, maybe, there is something you can connect to in her past. As she experiences the snow storm, does she think about other kinds of storms (hurricanes) they've had? Does she reflect on her past experiences with inclement weather, to show us something different or special about the snow?
All in all, this was a lovely story that was a joy to read. I think really getting into the head of your main character will take it to the next level, and make it something really amazing.
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Thank you so much for the lovely review! It helped A LOT <3
You're very welcome! I'm glad it helped ^^
Heya, this is Jedi, here for another review!
First, before my critique, I wanna say that this was a really enjoyable read. It has a very good lesson, and has it's sad and happy parts. I'm warning you though, I am going to be very nitpicky.
First off, in the very beginning when you say, "scorching hot in the summer and normal in the winters," what exactly is, "normal"? Is it snowy, or is it warm? Is it chilly? The norm is different depending on where you are, so instead of just using that vague word, you should SAY how the winter is.
Also, you use words and phrases like, "cute little Christmas socks". Instead of telling the reader that it's cute, instead, tell us HOW it's cute. What makes the socks so cute?
I also find that there are many uses of the word, "Little". Too many. Perhaps change a few to words like: small, petite, elfin, etc
Also, when you say, "She unlocked it and opened the door, causing a blast of winter wind to hit her face. She shivered a little and walked on the concrete outside." it should be "onto" not "on". She walked ONTO the concrete outside.
Also, the story lost some of its quality when you said "she didn't 'really' know how". The "really" seems unprofessional and doesn't sound good. My suggestions are to change it to something like, "she didn't know exactly how" or something of the like.
Other than that, this was a great story! Really enjoyed reading it.
My favorite line is, "Her innocent tone sent a pang into the parent's hearts." I really liked how this story was about an innocent little girl, rather than most stories which are about a teenager falling in love. Not to say I don't enjoy those stories also, just that this was a breath of fresh air for me.
Great job and keep writing! I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your works!
Thank you so much! This helps tremendously! <3
Thank you so much! This helps tremendously! <3
Sure! Glad I could help and keep writing: )