This poem is almost five years old. ^^
*Locked*
peppermint whispers
‘please’
her eyes defiant
I know she wants me
the way she cocked her head
licked her lips
beckoned me to the stairwell
her costume
revealing just enough to make me
curious
I knew she wanted it
so we tumbled upstairs
her breath sweet
with
peppermint Scnapps
our dance ended on the couch
in the guest room
her boots, her fishnet stockings
her tiny black thong
piled on the floor with own clothes
‘no’
peppermint’s whisper rings
spinning in my drunk brain
she’s small, easy to overpower
and now, she’s stopped kicking
stopped fighting
stopped struggling
why would she struggle?
I know she wanted me!
now she gets me.
she asked for it.
I saw it in those smoky eyes
I saw it!
that makes it okay, right?
right?!
those defiant eyes
spilling tears
still desire me (I think)
it’s okay
holding her still
tasting her flesh
‘stop’
peppermint whispers
I stop
god knows why I stop.
and I finally remember
‘no’
peppermint whispered
‘no’
nononofuckingno!
I roll away
sitting on the edge of the couch
I can’t look at her as she gathers
her clothes
desperately trying to remember
what mistake I almost made
and when the door closes
her scent lingers on the air
and I swear peppermint whispers thanks.
This is great, I love stories like this, that show a not so noble act through the eyes of the person commiting it.
There is a underlyning innocence in the narrater is really well done.
I love the peperment wispers line, it shows some real character in the girl,
some suggestion and things to improve on.
the setting is hardly described
It's an idea to turn this into a short story instead of poetry,
there are a lot of adjectives, which are very welll used, try changing them, it will transform the writing.
keep writing
Vera
it's pretty good. i like how you add little details that make the poem more real. i do agree about the transition though it does seem a little off but i think overall good job.
This is good, to an extent. The conversion from "yes" to "no" was not as good as it could be. It seemed to lack something vital to the flow of the story. I believe the problem was you lost poetry and began narration. You had no metaphors, no sexual innuendos, no nothing, until it was too late and I was writing this post. I'm sorry, this is good anyway.
I'm just a bitch tonight.
I like this. The way the tone changed from the beginning to the end was very effective; it conveyed the idea if guilt and developing emotions throughout the time period in which this was happening. The clash of the guilty and the innocent is also deepened by the name "peppermint" given to the girl (suggesting sweet).
Good work.
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