Published December 13, 2004
sea of green and one lone
grey building stands mute
amongst the reeds
lonely, broken, empty home
free from the burden of a
family, soulless and eternal
lazy drifts by the boats
and ships destined to
other-where, as poor jack
stays behind to watch
with six sick sad eyelids
drooping and pleading
in silence
Remember! Do not forget!
but
who can halt the current
past the house that once
thought he was a palace
and even thou one
boat one person one empty
vessel on his sea-sick
weary bark may heed the
cry
the river flows on
and none may return
**note on the formatting**
I wrote this as one long sentence in my journal. The line breaks you see here are where I jumped to the next line. This is exactly how it looks in my little book.
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141,439 Literary Works • 674,453 Reviews
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to give you a review. This is a really cool poem. It’s the perfect length in my opinion. It’s long enough to have a good amount of detail, but it’s short enough to easily read. Now, onto the specifics.
This was definitely my favorite part of the poem. It’s a sad part, but it is the most descriptive part too. I can really imagine Jack staring out at the boats, full of sadness.
One thing that might help to make your prom even better is if you changed the format. It is a little irregular as of now and it definitely hinders it. If you split up the lines differently and make stanzas, the flow will be improved. Other than that, this poem is awesome! Keep writing!
While I understand that this is fresh out of the notebook, I think it may be beneficial for you to do some editing. As for the Poem itself, you did a good job conjuring up images, especially in the first ten or so lines which I think are especially strong.
Good work!
Aww! Thanks Nate!
Wow... I really, really liked this. You conjured up the scene of a port at the end of a river really well, and I got an idea of who the character was. I have absolutely no criticism for this piece.